Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Mary Worth 11

This is the most startling thing I've ever seen in Mary Worth! One moment Dawn Weston is having lunch with Debonair Doctor Drew Corey, telling him she was a fat teenager and hoping a good horse ride will help her forget "those painful teen years."

Then! It's "Several Weeks Later..." Weeks? Several?? Mary Worth's stock and trade is in suspending two minutes of time over several weeks, not the other way around! And what, do tell, are we to surmise we've missed? Knowing Dr. Drew's relationships only last several weeks at best, I see a break up coming.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Mary Worth 10

Thank you Karen Moy for writing such scintillating dinner conversation. Drew likes to play sports and to try new things. That's awesome. And Dawn wants to do something she hasn't done in a long time. What could it be? I believe her first question in panel one gives us a clue: Playing Doctor! Dawn, shame on you. For shame, for shame, for shame. Don't you know his heart belongs to Vera? Please stop conducting this "research!"

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Mary Worth 9

It is three a.m. I can't sleep.

How could I?

Through relentless investigative research, I have uncovered a Mary Worth mystery that I find disturbing and important. You will recall that on July 4, 2007, in my Mary Worth 5 post, I wrote about this interesting exchange at the Charterstone Pool Party:

Compare this to a similar exchange on July 7, 2004, again at a Charterstone Pool Party, and featuring Wilbur Weston, Dawn's father:

And at that moment (well, the next day in real time) into Wilbur Weston's life walked Iris Beedie. (I won't tell you how that one ended; let me just say, drugs were involved.)

Note the dates: 07/04/07 & 07/07/04... Note that both events occur at the Charterstone Pool Party. Note the attire - at neither party does anyone wear a bathing suit. Note the snacks (pretzel sticks and round things). There are just too many similarities for this to be coincidental.

Could the residents of Charterstone Condominium be living in some sort of strange circuitous time loop? Could Santa Royale, California, have fallen into some tragic tear in the fabric of time and space? Could this have something to do with the Dharma Initiative?

I fear I may have stumbled onto something dangerous. Something bigger than I can understand, and yet, strive to understand it I must. If you have any answers, please contact me.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Mary Worth 8

Poor Dr. Drew Cory. But, hark, who could be calling? Could it be the local Days Inn asking him to return all the furnishings he stole from the motel? Including the phone?

I'd just like to state for the record that if it isn't Dawn Weston, hot-to-trot college student turned medical researcher needing some help with her quote/unquote "research," I promise to give up all my ambitions of becoming a staff writer for Mary Worth.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

I am Such a Muggle

I'm such a muggle. Mrs. Wanders is not. Mrs. Wanders is a full-blown graduate of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft. As a first year, she was sorted into the Pufnstuf House.

On Opening Day (Wednesday for us muggles), Mrs. Wanders took Children Numbers One and Two to see “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” (Installment the Fifth), which the children raved about. However, while my wife seemed to enjoy the film, it somehow lacked the detail and nuance she recalled from her days as a student. I think she loves seeing in these movies and stories details such as what the little students are studying in potions class, or what’s the latest defense against the dark arts spell. I said, “Yeah, but we’ve seen that in four movies now. How much more can we take?” For this remark, she transfigured me into a rabbit. So I went out and ate her vegetable garden.

She insisted I take her to see the movie again on Saturday night. Which I did. If you haven’t yet been convinced that the powers of witchery and wizardry are real and that the Dark Lord lives and is seeking to rule the world, you never will be. Still, you don't want to upset Mother.

The movie was pretty good – not my favorite Harry Potter movie, but I give it three Hobbits out of five.

After the movie, I asked her what spells she would most like to learn. These are her top five:

Crustulum Prandium:Cook dinner
Congelo Vicis: Stop time so I can get something done
Brain Peniculus: Imports knowledge directly into my head without study
Tersus Vestri Cella: "Clean your room." (Actually, she can do this one, but she has to repeat it over and over and over to get it to work, and even then it’s not done very well. Sometimes it’s just easier to do it yourself!)
Minnivanum: Instantaneously transports the kids where they need to go.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Mary Worth 7

I only wish I had been this smooth with the ladies when I was single. But, no, I had to get by trying to respect women. Oh, to have been a handsome, cartoon doctor.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Oh Thank Heaven for July 11

This afternoon, I was sitting in my office and heard Starry Girl down the hall announce that it was Free Slurpee Day. My throat got tight, my skin started to burn and I went into a deep crimson blush. I can't hear the phrase "Free Slurpee" without having a serious psycho-traumatic response.

You see, when I was in the second grade, some older kids at school told me that if I took my souvenir Willie Mays Slurpee cup back to the store, they would refill it for free. I hopped on my Schwinn and headed to one of my favorite places in the whole world: 7-11.

I handed the clerk at 7-11 my plastic cup and asked him to fill it with cherry flavored Slurpee. In the early 70's, the Slurpee machines were behind the counter, but I guess 7-11 has since figured out they can save millions in labor costs and reduce their work force by making Slurpees self serve. He handed me the Slurpee and said, "79 cents" (or whatever), and I felt my stomach drop, my knees go weak and tears start to build behind my lids. "Isn't it for free?" I asked. "Free?" the guy scoffed. He took my Slurpee, dumped it in the garbage can and handed me back my cup. The memory still stings.

So, today, I had to find out for myself if this time it was true: Free Slurpees. I walked to the nearest 7-11 and there were throngs of people filling up little 7.11 oz. Slurpee cups which I assumed were free. But I was still so traumatized that I was afraid to risk it. I grabbed a regular cup and filled it up and went and paid full price. But as I walked back to the office, I was thinking, "Dang! Dang it! Why couldn't I take a free Slurpee? I couldn't even ask if they were free. I'm a coward!"

After work, I spent the evening doing some volunteer work. I had some people in my car and I told them, very sagely, "You know, it's free Slurpee day." And I stopped at every 7-11 we passed to fill up on free Slurpees. I tried Whoo-Hoo Vanilla, and Cherry, and Pina Colada... there were so many flavors to choose from (I resisted Full Throttle because frankly I imagine that tastes like engine grease).

Store after store. Free Slurpee after free Slurpee. Call it my revenge if you will, or perhaps immersive therapy. Regardless, I will never fear Free Slurpees again!

For those who missed Free Slurpee Day, mark July 11 on your calendar (7/11). Each year, the company celebrates its birthday with free Slurpees - trust me on that. This year was their 80th year!

Mary Worth 6

Holy Cow! Since when did Wilbur become Dawn's father?? I always thought he was her mentor. This story line has taken me for a complete loop and makes my last Mary Worth blog entry really sick! At one point, years ago, I know Dawn was a little nerdette college student. Then she became the college flirt, and Wilbur helped her through some rough spots, but I swear he wasn't her father. At least I didn't think he was. Am I wrong about this? I hope so, otherwise, "Ewwww."

Edited to add: Read response #50 at the Comics Curmudgeon. Yes indeed. Daddy, daughter. But to be fair, Dawn calls her dad, "Wilbur," all the time.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Mary Worth 5

Wow. Wow. This one took me by surprise. I didn’t see this coming at all. Dr. Drew, aren't Vera and her business cards enough for you? Now you must steal Dawn away from her mentor Wilbur Weston? Not that I ever thought Wilbur had a chance with Dawn, but I think secretly inside he sees himself as Dawn’s ideal man.

I know Central Casting would most likely place me in the role of Wilbur rather than Dr. Drew (I can only hope they make the movie version of Mary Worth!). Yet, as a young man, I dreamt of having Dr. Drew’s mojo, so today’s strip cuts particularly deep. This is what it is like to be handsome? I knew it!

How many business cards will Dr. Drew go home with tonight? Grrrr. I'm starting to hate this guy.