Ten Things I Learnt About Scamming By Reading Mary Worth(less):
1. You need to live in incredibly shabby surroundings.
Do not, repeat, not, ever attempt a scam if your home has paint on the walls and your floor is fit to walk on without heavy duty boots. Do not attempt a scam if your upholstery isn’t torn in at least twenty places. Just don’t.
2. Always pick someone rich for your mark.
Rich people are always lonely and gullible, and they’re always eager to part with their money. That’s how they got to be rich in the first place!
3. Pretend romantic interest in your mark.
That’s the way to get money out of them. Do not under any circumstances pitch a business plan (like, “I’m a saleman, and I want to market your muffin!”). It will not work. Trust me. Or trust Moy.
4. Practice fighting a skank for your mark’s affections.
Also practice swearing in grawlixes. It’ll come in handy, believe me.
5. Never under any circumstances overestimate the intellectual capacity of your mark.
You can’t go wrong by assuming they have the brains of an oyster. The stupider you think they are, the even stupider they’ll prove themselves to be.
6. If you must steal a watch, make sure it’s an heirloom, and return it claiming you found it.
This will be a far better investment than pawning it. Also, any other skank who steals it won’t return it, so you’ll automatically be ahead!
7. Think Big, damn it.
Ask for an emerald ring or fifty thousand dollars. Anything less is just for pikers. The mark will be meddled into realising it’s a scam if you try the incremental approach!
8. If you go to prison, pretend you’ve changed!
You’ll have changed your clothes, anyway, if not your earrings, so you won’t even be lying.
9. Do not wait to fold your clothes in incredibly tiny suitcases before making your getaway. You can buy a new wardrobe with the $50000 you just conned.
10. It takes absolutely no brains to become a doctor.
All it takes is birth. In fact imbecility is a positive asset. Your best mark is a doctor! If you're young, you can take him for money. If you're old, you can take his father for free meals at the Bum Boat and free boat rides!
Bill the Butcher, you’ve mastered the Mary Worth/Karen Moy Scammer’s Playbook.
Ah, Drew’s lack of medical competence is explained. He didn’t follow the usual path of medical school, residencies, board certification, etc., he was BORN into the position. That’s how Adrian became a doctor too, and probably dear old dad Jeff as well. Don’t get sick in Santa Royale!
Ashlee misspoke; she meant to say, “You were a grift from heaven!”
It's amazing how many times I look at a hand in this comic strip and then put my own hand in the same position to see if it could possibly look like that. Drew's hand is rather zaftig.
@KitKat -- A grift from heaven! Ha haaa, excellent!
After she gets Drew's money, we'll next see Ashlee lying on her couch with a couple beers and a bucket of KFC while binging on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She'll start that gym class tomorrow.
Yeseree… I was born to be a doctor, just like old Dad. In fact, there’s science to support that. No; really; there is! I’ve read that a child is more than likely to follow in the path of either their mother or father than to choose an entirely different career. Adrian and I are so fortunate that our mother died when we were just little kids. Talk about dumb luck! Hoo boy… that was a close call. I was too young to read at the time but Adrian was able to sound out “Walmart” on the back of the vest we found with our mother’s name on it. Dad had draped it around a skeleton we found down there at the back of a closet in the basement. Ha.. What a kidder! He must have brought that thing home from an anatomy class or something. Anyway; yeah; Mom died while Adrian and I were visiting my cousins so we never got to go to the funeral or anything. According to Dad, it was some really fast-acting, incurable disease. In fact, he told us he didn’t even bring her to the hospital. I mean, why bother, right?
And look at you! Your mother was a waitress in a sport’s bar. And you ended up waitressing, right? And your dad… I’m sorry; remind me again what your dad did for a living?
Don't be shy! I'd love to hear what you have to say about Mary Worth. Just keep it clean, that's all I ask. This is a FAMILY FRIENDLY blog. I don't want to moderate comments, but I will if I have to.
Ten Things I Learnt About Scamming By Reading Mary Worth(less):
ReplyDelete1. You need to live in incredibly shabby surroundings.
Do not, repeat, not, ever attempt a scam if your home has paint on the walls and your floor is fit to walk on without heavy duty boots. Do not attempt a scam if your upholstery isn’t torn in at least twenty places. Just don’t.
2. Always pick someone rich for your mark.
Rich people are always lonely and gullible, and they’re always eager to part with their money. That’s how they got to be rich in the first place!
3. Pretend romantic interest in your mark.
That’s the way to get money out of them. Do not under any circumstances pitch a business plan (like, “I’m a saleman, and I want to market your muffin!”). It will not work. Trust me. Or trust Moy.
4. Practice fighting a skank for your mark’s affections.
Also practice swearing in grawlixes. It’ll come in handy, believe me.
5. Never under any circumstances overestimate the intellectual capacity of your mark.
You can’t go wrong by assuming they have the brains of an oyster. The stupider you think they are, the even stupider they’ll prove themselves to be.
6. If you must steal a watch, make sure it’s an heirloom, and return it claiming you found it.
This will be a far better investment than pawning it. Also, any other skank who steals it won’t return it, so you’ll automatically be ahead!
7. Think Big, damn it.
Ask for an emerald ring or fifty thousand dollars. Anything less is just for pikers. The mark will be meddled into realising it’s a scam if you try the incremental approach!
8. If you go to prison, pretend you’ve changed!
You’ll have changed your clothes, anyway, if not your earrings, so you won’t even be lying.
9. Do not wait to fold your clothes in incredibly tiny suitcases before making your getaway. You can buy a new wardrobe with the $50000 you just conned.
10. It takes absolutely no brains to become a doctor.
All it takes is birth. In fact imbecility is a positive asset. Your best mark is a doctor! If you're young, you can take him for money. If you're old, you can take his father for free meals at the Bum Boat and free boat rides!
So what are you waiting for? Scam away!
Bill the Butcher, you’ve mastered the Mary Worth/Karen Moy Scammer’s Playbook.
ReplyDeleteAh, Drew’s lack of medical competence is explained. He didn’t follow the usual path of medical school, residencies, board certification, etc., he was BORN into the position. That’s how Adrian became a doctor too, and probably dear old dad Jeff as well. Don’t get sick in Santa Royale!
Ashlee misspoke; she meant to say, “You were a grift from heaven!”
It's amazing how many times I look at a hand in this comic strip and then put my own hand in the same position to see if it could possibly look like that. Drew's hand is rather zaftig.
ReplyDeleteAnd why are they rubbing their noses on each other's cheeks?
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete@KitKat -- A grift from heaven! Ha haaa, excellent!
After she gets Drew's money, we'll next see Ashlee lying on her couch with a couple beers and a bucket of KFC while binging on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She'll start that gym class tomorrow.
-- Scottie McW.
Yeseree… I was born to be a doctor, just like old Dad. In fact, there’s science to support that. No; really; there is! I’ve read that a child is more than likely to follow in the path of either their mother or father than to choose an entirely different career. Adrian and I are so fortunate that our mother died when we were just little kids. Talk about dumb luck! Hoo boy… that was a close call. I was too young to read at the time but Adrian was able to sound out “Walmart” on the back of the vest we found with our mother’s name on it. Dad had draped it around a skeleton we found down there at the back of a closet in the basement. Ha.. What a kidder! He must have brought that thing home from an anatomy class or something. Anyway; yeah; Mom died while Adrian and I were visiting my cousins so we never got to go to the funeral or anything. According to Dad, it was some really fast-acting, incurable disease. In fact, he told us he didn’t even bring her to the hospital. I mean, why bother, right?
ReplyDeleteAnd look at you! Your mother was a waitress in a sport’s bar. And you ended up waitressing, right? And your dad… I’m sorry; remind me again what your dad did for a living?
HelenClark
Her dad is into hard rock.
Delete....breaking it in prison.
Truffade Wanders? Don't you mean his Freedom Fries?
ReplyDeleteI really like that the restaurant removed the table so Drew and Ashlee could seal the deal with a kiss.
ReplyDelete