I guess we didn't see this coming. I mean, we all did, but we didn't really think Karen Moy would go there. The story went from sublime to ridiculous very quickly.
I guess we didn't see this coming. I mean, we all did, but we didn't really think Karen Moy would go there. The story went from sublime to ridiculous very quickly.
No words. So much more satisfying than a full-fledged rescue by the ship. I feel complete.
ReplyDeleteWho could have predicted this sentence appearing in Mary Worth “When Wilbur wakes up on an unfamiliar shore, he attempts to climb a tree.” I never expected to read anything like that. I still can’t believe that Chub-Chub Combover is capable of a feat like that. BTW, wouldn’t it have been easier for Wilbur to shimmy up the tree if he had removed his remaining shoe?
ReplyDeleteIn lieu of a Charterstone pool party, we might get a different kind of party on The Island of Dr. Moreau. What mad scientist wouldn’t leap at the chance to experiment on Wilbur? Will there be statuesque women in scanty attire, like Ashlee Jones in her fringed mini dress (“click click click!”)?
I... I'm at a total loss for words. Is this what it feels like to be flustered?
ReplyDeleteThere's still hope that Wilbur will use his Diner's Club card to get liquored up poolside, feel better alread-ee, and try Leo's pose from the highest palm tree on Private Cruise Island.
Which of the following possibilities could rescue this story?
ReplyDelete1. Weelbur is hallucinating, and those tables and tourists he sees are all in his mind.
2. Those are real tourists, and Weelbur is so shocked at his own stupidity in not having explored the island earlier that he resolves to throw himself into the ocean.
3. In both 1 and 2 above, trying to scramble down the palm tree which he somehow managed to climb, he loses his grip, falls on his head, and dies/develops amnesia.
4. Eshtelle is in one of those tourist chairs, talking to the captain. She looks over his shoulder, shakes her head, squeezes her eyes shut, and takes another peek. “What’s wrong, my darling?” the captain asks her. “I just thought I saw the ghost of Weelbur up in a palm tree,” Eshtelle replies. "Poor dear, he must be trying to climb up to heaven. Sigh.”
Whichever answer you prefer, it’s certain Moy and Brigman will do the absolute opposite.
By the way, someone conveniently husked those coconuts for Weelbur! How kind!
Greetings Senor Weston. Welcome to Isla de la Muerto, where you come but never go, where the drinks are bottomless but your thirst is never quenched.
ReplyDeleteIt’s the original Fantasy Island. Mr Roarke will hire Wilbur to understudy Tattoo.
ReplyDelete[Jim Carrey spittake gif]
ReplyDeleteOH COME ON!
Sustenance acquired.
ReplyDeleteThat’s more of Wilbur’s butt than I wanted to see
ReplyDeleteWhat the world needs now is love, sweet love. But not for you, Karen.
ReplyDeleteNOW she's stealing storylines from "Golden Girls"! I see a lawsuit in Moy's immediate future....
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteA new low, Moy. A new low.
-- Scottie McW.
WOuldn't it be funny if Estelle was there drinking away her sorrow - or pity. I'm not sure which.
ReplyDeleteI agree. This has to be a dream. Because if those were real people, they’d be purple.
ReplyDeleteFor Wilbur, once he settles in at the bar, it will be as if nothing happened between the moment he left the bar on the ship and the moment he arrived at the bar on the private island. He will not ponder his despicable behavior and will show no signs of concern for Estelle.
ReplyDeleteWhat would Wendy say about all this?
This is going to turn into the Piña Colada song.
ReplyDeleteDoes the bar have karaoke?
ReplyDeleteMoy is toying with us. And now she's turning the knife. I had no idea she was this evil.
ReplyDeleteIt’s official. Moy has crossed over to the snarkside.
ReplyDelete@MissScarlet -- I definitely would not want to run into her in a dark alley.
ReplyDeleteMaybe Wilbur will fall out of the tree and break several bones. That would be particularly funny because he didn't have to climb the tree in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI've reached the stage where I hit the Angry button on azcentral before the Mary Worth image even begins loading, and today's episode - where Weelbur didn't even contact his DAUGHTER one week into his falling overboard to let her know he's all right - is a prime example of why.
ReplyDeleteAnd when the two thousand and twenty second night had come, and the Sultan Shahryar and Shahrazad had done as was their wont, little Dunyazad spoke up from her place at the foot of the bed.
ReplyDelete“Dear sister, I am eager to hear the rest of your tale of Abu Weelbur al Mayonnaisi. He is such a foul person that whatever dark fate might befall him will fill me with great pleasure.”
“It will be my privilege,” Shahrazad said, smiling, “if this august king will only give his consent.”
“By Allah,” the Sultan replied, “I am no less eager than this little one here to listen to the rest of that marvellous tale!”
“Your word is my command,” Shahrazad responded, and continued with the
TALE OF ABU WEELBUR AL MAYONNAISI AND THE IFRIT MARYWORTH
********************
Last night (Shahrazad said), we had stopped with Weelbur at the top of a coconut tree, where he had just plucked one of the nuts – conveniently already husked – when over his shoulder he saw men and women sitting together under a woven shade, eating and drinking.
So astonished was Weelbur at this sight that he would have certainly fallen from the coconut tree, but for what happened next.
Now it so happened that the coconut he was holding was the home of a jinniyah, one of those who had risen in rebellion against our master Sulaiman ibn Daud, and in consequence had been imprisoned in the shell of the nut for thousands of years. However, Weelbur’s touch – slick as it was with mayonnaise oozing through his pores – had lubricated the magical hinges that held her shell closed, and she poured out of the nut like a cloud of purple smoke.
“By Allah,” she said, “free at last! And by such a strange creature too! One might almost mistake it for a human.” At that moment Weelbur’s grip on the tree trunk failed, and he began to fall.
Delete“Trying to jump down to escape me, are you?” the jinniyah, whose name was Brigmoy, said, and quick as a flash, she scooped up Abu Weelbur before he could drop away. “You don’t get away as easily as that!” She swept her captive up to the top of the coconut tree, and there, sitting on the highest frond, set about examining him.
“It’s a man!” she realised in amazement. “I must think of what to do with him. You, who are you and what are you doing on this tree?”
Abu Weelbur, who was almost half dead with fear, looked from the jinniyah down to the ground, which seemed so far away that he – in reflex – tightened his limbs so much around Brigmoy that she yelped in agony.
“Let me go, ” she roared. “Let me go and I will reward you!” And in her pain she uttered these lines:
“A thousand years I waited in a nut
Hoping one day to be free
But now I find myself embraced
By a combovered monster in a tree.
With his weight the trunk does bend
The fronds they writhe in pain
And as for me, I feel as though
I will be torn in two again.”
Abu Weelbur’s mind, slow moving and dull as it was, finally began turning its wheels, slowly and ponderously. “Reward?” he said. “Yes! Make Umm Eshtelle agree to marry me!”
“I do not know this Eshtelle,” Brigmoy replied, “but I will find out about her. Until then, my master, what will you wish from me to keep you happy?”
Weelbur did not waste a moment. “Put me down there at a table and get me an unlimited supply of liquoring up…and mayonnaise sandwiches to sustain myself!”
“By Allah, I promise you that I will do what you want. I will get you proper clothes and money first,” Brigmoy said, and, having installed Weelbur at a table where he began sucking down alcohol and mayo in equal quantities, she flew through the air until she at last arrived at Charterstone. The first thing she saw there was a girl saying “Life is Brutal” in between sobs, while another grey haired woman cried bitter tears and spoke these lines:
Delete“I could have had Dr Ed
With the flick of a feather
But I was meddled into taking back Weelbur
And now we’ll never ever ever get back together.”
And in between them was a hag so horrible that the jinniyah almost forgot her promise.
“This must be the evil ifrit Maryworth,” she realised. “For time beyond memory, she has done harm to all – not just to people and jinn, but to angels and beasts. This creature is an enemy to all! What can I do?” Shaking her head, she flew back to the island.
“Abu Weelbur,” she said, “Umm Eshtelle is in terrible danger. I need to take you back there immediately!”
Weelbur, in the meantime, had been busy trying to magnetise chicks, but failing because he was so drunk he saw double, and always tried to magnetise the double image instead of the original. “Thish ish a shtupid plaster anyway, ” he said. “Take me shomewhere with karaoke. I need to shing.”
“That’s a good idea, by Allah,” the jinniyah exclaimed. Taking up Weelbur in her arms – and groaning at his weight – she flew back to Charterstone, arriving just as the ifrit Maryworth had baked a pile of muffins and was forcing them on the crying girl and Eshtelle. “Have a muffin,” she was urging. “Muffins heal all wounds! It’s been a week, and normally I would be getting on with my next meddle, but your grief is so delicious!”
“Quick,” the jinniyah said, dumping Weelbur in front of the piano. “Begin singing.”
Weelbur began to bang out a tune while bawling at the top of his voice:
“And I would do anything for love
And I would do anything for love
But I won’t do that.”
At the first sound of his song, the evil ifrit looked around, startled. Then, before either Eshtelle or Dawn could react, she snatched up muffins and jammed them into their ears.
“Now cry some more,” she said, happily. “Cry some more for me!”
The jinniyah, seeing what had happened…
*******************
At this point Shahrazad saw the approach of day and discreetly fell silent.
Then little Dunyazad said, “Sister, your words are sweet and your tale is marvellous. Please continue it tomorrow night.”
And the Sultan Shahryar nodded. “By Allah,” he said, “I will spare your life so I can hear the rest of this marvellous tale.”