Friday, June 12, 2009

Local University Welcomes You!

Dear applicant,

Thank you for considering Local University. We think that you will be pleased with what we have to offer. Our professors are some of the best mid-level academics in the county. And we offer several outstanding degrees:

1) Doctoring. Our excellent three-and-a-half-year medical program will prepare you for an exciting career as a doctor at a hospital where sick people go.

2) Professor. Teach pedagogy or philosophy. Or something else. Be a university professor at Local U. Why leave?

3) Art. We'll teach you to draw all kinds of things. And if you can't get a job as an artist, you can still be an art professor here at Local U.

4) Graphic Design. This is a really exciting program that is sort of like art.

5) Newspaper writing. Write for a newspaper using a chic pseudonym. Men can even pretend to be women. Or take pictures for the newspaper and destroy people's so-called relationships.

6) Town Councilman. We'll show you how to bypass the democratic process to get appointed to the choicest seats of power.

7) Ice Skater. You'll learn to keep it tight.

These are just a few of the eight rigorous academic programs available at Local U. But if you think of any others, please let us know and we'll be happy to add them.

Sincerely,


Martin Dean
Dean of Academics
Local University, Santa Royale

P.S., Send us some money. We're going to build a building.

14 comments:

  1. Prof. ConfeyJune 12, 2009 at 8:25 AM

    8) Con artist. Learn the skills necessary to pull of the long con. Even if it blows up at the end, you still keep the $50,000.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ChesterJune 12, 2009 at 9:53 AM

    9) Tiling Specalist.

    What the heck is going on in todays strip? All these young men posing and holding bottles? Looks like the International Male catalog is doing a photo shoot at the pool party.

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownJune 12, 2009 at 10:41 AM

    10) Fashion design, with an emphasis in swordfish and palm trees.

    ReplyDelete
  4. VickiJune 12, 2009 at 12:37 PM

    11) Advanced Surveillance Techniques: Hospital and Restaurant emphasis. Will feature world-renowned local expert as guest speaker!

    Toby is trying to swat that boy with her plate! This is a Girls Only conversation, apparently.

    Charterstone residents need to follow the "Golden Rule" at their pool parties--Prepare foods they themselves wouldn't mind eating!! LOOK at the waste going on with the food. None of it looks appetizing and little of it is being eaten! Even teenage boys would rather drink pop than eat that sh--tuff!

    ReplyDelete
  5. duckduckgooseJune 12, 2009 at 12:52 PM

    12) Marital, Couple, and Family Counseling.

    You will learn to apply BOTH leading theories and their therapeutic techniques: the Riding Wave/ Hard Work theory and the Glassy Seas/Ideal Love theory.

    This specialization requires clinical meddling experience.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Gold-Digging NannyJune 12, 2009 at 1:41 PM

    13) Culinary Arts. Learn the art of making casseroles, seafood scampi, and unidentifiable finger food.

    ReplyDelete
  7. ChesterJune 12, 2009 at 2:53 PM

    I think the rule for Charterstone pool parties, Vicki, is that you take whatever has been in the back of your freezer for more than a year, thaw it and serve in the hot sun. Be sure to ignre the expiration date!

    ReplyDelete
  8. tuffenufJune 12, 2009 at 4:23 PM

    14. Automobile Manufacturing Quality Control Manager.

    LORD, we need some of those here in Santa Royale. Missing steering wheels, steering wheels in the backseat... Job are available immediately.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Miss EmishJune 12, 2009 at 5:04 PM

    15. Online security specialist.
    Learn the details of securing information online. A lucrative consulting career awaits!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Barbara L. HansonJune 12, 2009 at 8:55 PM

    Physical Education: As your swimming instructor, I will explain what a bathing suit is, what a pool is for, and what it is filled with. Advanced study in chlorine.

    ReplyDelete
  11. jennahrationexJune 13, 2009 at 1:23 AM

    Intervention Leader: Learn to drive (literally and figuratively) your intervenee off a cliff fueled by anguish and alcohol.



    from jennahrationex

    ReplyDelete
  12. jennahferraraJune 13, 2009 at 1:24 AM

    Intervention Leader: Learn to drive (literally and figuratively) your intervenee off a cliff fueled by anguish and alcohol.

    ReplyDelete
  13. manzJune 13, 2009 at 1:33 AM

    17) Meddling. Learn the art of making people believe they are making choices, while you guide them toward the preferred outcome. Must be a skilled listener and manipulator.

    ReplyDelete
  14. duckduckgooseJune 13, 2009 at 11:35 AM

    How to Make Pink Ambrosia Salad:
    2 pkgs cherry gelatin
    16 ox cottage cheese
    1 tub whipped cream
    2 cans mixed fruit
    1 cup chopped walnuts
    Large bowl and spoon

    Dump gelatin into bowl and mix with tub of whipped cream. Add the rest of the ingredients and mix. Serve with spoon.

    Ambrosia is often depicted as conferring AGELESS IMMORTALITY upon whoever consumes it.

    ReplyDelete

Don't be shy! I'd love to hear what you have to say about Mary Worth. Just keep it clean, that's all I ask. This is a FAMILY FRIENDLY blog. I don't want to moderate comments, but I will if I have to.