You know that unsettled and anxious feeling you have when you stand on top of a cliff without a guardrail or look down the center of a tall flight of stairs? A friend once explained to me that it wasn't because you were afraid of falling... it was because you were afraid you might jump! There's a part of your subconscious brain that wants you to back away so that you don't try anything stupid. And Wilbur is especially stupid so he must be especially unsettled and anxious.
ReplyDeleteOkay, Moy, we get it! He's a self-absorbed, mewling tower of quivering Jell-O. Now can we finally move along?
Meanwhile in Beautiful Italy, some of Harlan's students have partaken in a little too much vino at a Venetian trattoria, and they decide to steal a gondola and go for a joy ride. The Polizia are not amused.
-- Scottie McW.
Today's Boldface Haiku is titled
ReplyDelete"More Than One Yawning Chasm Here".
Remember...friends. Cry on.
Thanks.
Excellent. Are?
Despite...unsettled, anxious!
How are they? They're excellent! Didn't you just say that?
ReplyDeleteOn sober reflection, Wilbur, you really have nothing to live for. Do the math and make a decision.
ReplyDeleteOkay, let us all remember that the next time we have someone tell us how lonely, depressed and hopeless they feel, let's bring them up to the top of a cliff and encourage them to stand three feet from the edge.
ReplyDeleteWell, here it comes! Mary is going to push Wilbur over the edge and take over "Ask Wendy" AND the survivor column--"I shouldn't be alive, but I AM!" Mary will start her new job with a column called "I survived the strong wind at the top of Lookout Point ... but not everyone did!" and another one in which "Wendy" types up all of Wilbur's complaints for the past week and a half and 'answers' them with "just find a nice neighbor and ask her for her help! Don't be afraid to cry, either." Mary will resist the urge to complete the sentence "... even though she may end up pushing you over a cliff!"
ReplyDelete@Scottie McW., maybe Dawn will encounter Silvio Berlusconi and get invited to one of his bunga-bunga parties.
ReplyDeleteYes, Mary always has an open ear for Wilbur. His whining goes in that ear, through her head, and out the other ear.
And Wilbur always has an open mouth - for Mary muffins, casseroles, Splak snacks and Kelk treats.
ReplyDeleteThis whole Wilbur is depressed - some people aren't in your life forever - standing precariously on a cliff in earthquake country thing is really unnerving. As my daughter used to tell her grumpy little summer campers, "Let it go and move on!" Seriously, Ms. Moy, can't you update us on Iris and Zak? How is little Tummy Brain girl doing? John Dill? The ponytail waitress and her soccer star boyfriend? An-y-thing, an-y-one, please!
ReplyDeleteTruth: over the past six months I have had to install a new roof, a new water heater, a new furnace, and last night the fridge went bonkers and I am waiting for a repairman to see if it can be salvaged. Wilbur? Suck it up, Buttercup, I got no sympathy for you!
ReplyDeletefauxprof, I am waiting with bated breath to hear the news about your refrigerator's health! Please keep us updated.... I care way more about your fridge than about what's happening to Wilbur Weston... And Nance, thanks for the "yawning" in today's haiku title.
ReplyDeleteOn the sympathy chart where Charlie Brown rates a 10 and Lucy is a 0, Wilber is a -5.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteYou tell 'im, fauxprof!
And good luck to you. We've gone through the appliance uprising ourselves, and it's no fun.
-- S. McW.
In the past month I have bashed my nose on a metal saddle rack (the nose I've broken 3 times and had surgically repaired twice, including a full rhinoplasty), hyperextended & sprained my knee, smashed my pinkie finger in a drawer, and suffered a horrendous 5-day allergy attack that made me miss 3 days of work. I've had to pay someone to ride my horse for a month, as well as paying someone to ride my son's polo pony because he broke both his wrists. Wilbur gets zero sympathy.
ReplyDeleteFauxprof, you said it! Suck it up, Buttercup! (One of my personal faves, btw.)
@Sandi Ego and fauxprof: You have my sympathy. I hope things are getting better.
ReplyDeleteWell, I come here for the escapism, and I really LOVE mopey Wilbur on the cliff with Mary standing there just DYING to give him "good advice" ... which has been predictably bland but still hilarious!
Friday's strip is up on the interwebs! Mary Worth has been replaced by a platitude-generating ROBOT! Stepford Mary is being tested to her limits with mopey Wilbur's persistent pessimism! I LOVE IT!!!
ReplyDeleteFriday
ReplyDeleteFauxprof and Sandi Ego, you both qualify to give Wilbur a push over that cliff. Mary is on thin ice as well with her list of platitudes. “Wilbur, what about kite flying? Or dance lessons at the Santa Royale Rec Center - you could try salsa!”
Friday
ReplyDeleteI know we've all been hoping that Mary will give Wilbur a shove, but I'm thinking now that if she doesn't quit with the lame advice that she might end up being the one channel surfing.
Unaccountably we remain... it is but a thought, although a fearful one, and one which chills the very marrow of our bones with the fierceness of the delight of its horror. It is merely the idea of what would be our sensations during the sweeping precipitancy of a fall from such a height... for this very cause do we now the most vividly desire it.
ReplyDelete(Edgar Allan Poe, The Imp of the Perverse)