Mary Worth 4012

Dang it, Jared, don't do that! What was a sandwich called before it was called a sandwich? Everyone knows about the Earl of Sandwich, but the interesting fact is what is was called before. And now we don't know. But we all know that now it's called a weston.

Mary Worth 4011

Oh, dear. It turns out that Jared is the one turning into Wilbur (either that, or he's moonlighting as a caterer). A variety of soft drinks? How many sodas can the two of you drink?

2022:

2020:

2017:

Mary Worth 4010

The story continues with Jared and Jess going on a picnic. But first, we get some moral encouragement from sister Tessica. "And remember, if he runs out of things to say, just smile and ask him if he knew the rancor was scheduled to battle a Krayt dragon shortly after his encounter with Luke Skywalker. You know, small talk."

Mary Worth 4009

Jared, that's a great idea! Jess will love talking with you about your ex-girlfriend and how there's no bad blood between you and how many good times you had together. Brilliant.

Mary Worth 4008

It's easy to be cynical about the emotional pain of a fictional character, but break ups are real, and they hurt. In our modern world, we are so afraid of feeling pain that we often choose to numb ourselves with drugs, alcohol, and meaningless sex. "Mary Worth and Me," however, embraces the pain. We accept it. We acknowledge it. And then we viscerate it. And we spread it all over our bodies in all its stenchy gore, and then we howl to the moon and dance the bw'hama ceremonial dance until dawn. Dawn? Did I say Dawn? Whaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

And thank you, Carlye N. for your recent donation!!

Mary Worth 4007

I'm not crying, you're crying. No seriously, I'm not crying.

Mary Worth 4006

Oh, Jared, sweetheart, no. Don't ask that. It's just so wrong. This is called closure. Closure. Don't try to pry that door back open.

I want to add my sincere thanks to these recent generous donors to the Mary Worth 4000 campaign:

Peter Mullin
Vince Reddy

Mary Worth 4005

Dawn, you weren't the best, but you were the first. And that means something. I mean how many girls stuck around after Jared started talking incessently about Leia's copper bikini and his mother's naked yoga?

Mary Worth 4004

All those years ago? You mean five years ago? When you were in college? Which you still are.

A great big thank you to everyone who participated in the Mary Worth 4000 campaign yesterday! Much generosity was shown, and I am really touched.

Thank you to:

Eric M.
Brett S
Mary R. Y.
Anonymous
Cheryl J.
Mark F.
Jim S.

Thank you, one and all.

Mary Worth 4003

Bad blood? What are you talking about, Dawn? Is this some kind of threat?

There's no bad blood between Mary Worth and those who have donated to the Mary Worth 4000 Campaign, including our most recent donors:

John M.
Cheryl A.
Sarah A.

Many thanks to everyone who has made donations over the weekend!

Mary Worth 4002

No, you don't have to repeat your father's mistakes. Let me repeat, you don't have to repeat your father's mistakes. But you do have to repeat your entire conversation for anyone that may have missed something.

While Mary helps Dawn find clarity, let me thank those who have recently donated to the Mary Worth 4000 campaign! You have all been so generous:

Harold S.
Leslie S.
Julie C.
James W.
Charles P.
Candice W.
Stephen C.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and your generous support!

Mary Worth 4001

Thank you, June, for your symbolic calla lily, appropriate at any funeral as it symbolizes rebirth and purification. Dawn has been reborn! She isn't like her Dad anymore. That wrapped up really nicely.

THANK YOU to those who have donated to the Mary Worth 4000 campaign! And thanks for your patience while I set up the proper link. Thanks for all your kinds words and support as we celebrate over 4,000 Mary Worth and Me posts.

Donors so far:
Karen K.
Helen M.
Deep Value Letter
Marilyn T.
Margaret T.
Richard F.
Conrad R.
James D.

Mary Worth 4000

Wait. What happened to Dawn turning into her dad? Are we just going to ignore that 500 pound gorilla? Have we moved on? ...Okay, looks like it. Let's just talk about Jared for the rest of the week.

Today marks my 4,000th Mary Worth post. Which is nothing compared to what Karen Moy has written. Still, I want to celebrate. And I'm looking for good ideas. Your thoughts, and your tips, are always welcome! Let's celebrate together!

Mary Worth 3999

It sounds like Jared is about to be written out of this series. It makes me kind of sad, really. I could almost tolerate Dawn when Jared was with her. He didn't remind me of Dave, not at all.

Mary Worth 3998

"Yes, Dawn, let me reassure you - you are turning into your father. Change must come from within, and your father has failed miserably at change. And so have you. Your fate is sealed so there is no point in discussing it. My only advice is for you to embrace your inner-Wilbur and let your endearing quirks destroy everything that is precious to you."

Mary Worth 3997

Mary's expression is perfect: "Oh, Dawn. Don't despair. You've got a few years left before you become a completely non-functioning alcoholic.

Mary Worth 3996

This the one drawback to Mary's life at Charterstone, any time anyone has a crazy dream, they ring Mary's doorbell as soon as they're done brushing their teeth. Or in Ian's case, he doesn't even brush his teeth first. Mary hasn't slept in for 60 years.

Mary Worth 3995

I'm just going to bask in this all day. It is everything I dreamed it would be. Was it worth the wait? I'm not sure I'd go that far, but definitely Mary Worth gold.

Mary Worth 3994

Cooool. Even though Dawn has never met Jess, her subconscious brain was able to conjure up the exact image of the type of girl Jared would dump her for. Aren't brains amazing things?

Mary Worth 3993

She dreams. She DREAMS! It's happening.... It is HAPPENING! I am giddy with excitement and anticipation. Yes, I realize this is not a wise emotional state in the Worthiverse, but I can't help myself.

Mary Worth 3992

No, Dawn! This isn't about Jared! It's about you. More specifically, you turning into your father. Try to stay on topic. This problem is not going to resolve itself. You need to go to sleep and have a crazy, hilarious dream sequence that will bring you clarity! Until then, I won't be able to sleep.

Mary Worth 3991

Spicy green chili, combined with thoughts of Wilbur, guarantees the dream sequence we all crave. Fall asleep, Dawn! Fall asleep, now! We can't wait any longer! Augggh!

Mary Worth 3990

Dawn, everyone turns into their parents, and since you have no maternal influence in your life, you're pretty much doomed.

Mary Worth 3989

Do kids really think "OMG"? I know it stands for "Oh, my God," but does Dawn? When I was a kid, if I ever said, "Oh, my God" out loud, my mother would patiently and kindly tell me that I had hurt her feelings. Her gentleness was very effective. She would sometimes remind me that saying "Oh my God" was using the Lord's name in vain, and because she loved God ("He is my friend"), she wanted to keep his commandments and wanted her children to do so too. Never wanting to intentionally hurt my mother, I really worked at not using the Lord's name in vain even though all my friends did. So the repeated use of "OMG" in yesterday's and today's strips actually makes me a little bit sad, thinking of how it would disappoint my mother. Of course, I don't know if it would offend Wilbur. Or anyone else on the planet. But then you don't know my Mom who is still the kindest woman on earth.

Mary Worth 3988

We can now confirm that you certainly are not turning into your mother. I think Dawn has finally found clarity.

Mary Worth 3987

I, like Wilbur, feel as if this break has been much longer than it really has been. I was surprised to see that it has just been going on since January. It feels like it has been at least a year. Strangely, though, I can't remember anything that has happened since then? Maybe something about Dawn and Jerome (was that his name?). It's all just a blur.

Mary Worth 3986

Don't flatter yourself, Wilbur. He makes way more than twice your salary!

She wasn't a 'hot lady,' Wilbur. She was a con artist. And you blew Dawn's college fund on her.

Mary Worth 3985

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

It has happened! For 15 years I've waited for a just a little information about Wilbur's ex-wife! I had finally decided to just ignore that Dawn ever even had a mother, and was just created in Wilbur's dark basement with some cleaning supplies and double-A batteries. But here we have it. Wilbur was married to an uptown girl and it didn't work out. Oh my gosh, the one time I want a Wilbur story, and I think Dawn is headed out for muffins with Mary.

Mary Worth 3984

"Take for example Estelle. She wants to break up with me just because I didn't die when I fell off a ship. And because I'm a drunk. And obese. And a complete charicature of a man."

Mary Worth 3983

I can't remember for sure, but weren't Estelle and Wilbur on a break the last time we saw them? Now they've gotten back together and she wants another break? I can't keep track, and I don't want to know. For those of you who were getting tired of Dawn and Jared, please remember that it could be worse. Much, much worse.

Mary Worth 3982

Dawn talks to Cathy, she talks to Wilbur, but she will listen to Mary Worth, so why don't we just cut to the chase? Stop eating your green chili, and run straight to Mary's for a muffin and advice: "Be friends with Jared, but date gorillas. It's what you really wanted in the first place."