Sunday, January 30, 2022

Mary Worth 3823

It's not just the ladies you don't understand; men don't like you either. But by all means keep writing your advice column with the nom de plume Wendy. Someone was recently commenting on what an excellent columnist you were before you died.


Ian Cameron, PhD said...

Oh for Pete's sake Mary, cut the Poor Soul some slack. You said it yourself, with all these endearing quirks he's a real diamond in the rough under all that fluster. Besides, this whole trip was all thanks to you, I'd think you'd be happy it was such a success. I hope you'll take a moment to reflect on some fitting Nietszche quotes during your next lap around Charterstone Lagoon, before the drought authority orders it drained and replaced with xeriscaping.

And Estelle - to clarify, by "that's it, I'm done here", do you mean you are Never Ever Ever, Getting Back Together? You know, like you repeatedly sang for several hours before immediately caving after Flustie brought you some ribs? It's not that I don't agree with your decision, but after reviewing past interactions I think we're going to need this from you signed and notarized in triplicate.

fauxprof said...

Perhaps Wilbur needs a session with Dr. Sweatervest. After an hour’s reassurance that these women are too dense to appreciate his playful nature, his self-esteem will be fully restored.

Sharon said...

"I'll never understand women" ... is there a pet for that?

RogerBW said...

Clearly Wilbur should resort to online dating. There's a Mrs Euryale, a widow of Greek extraction, looking for a man ready to make a long-term commitment…

KitKat said...

This is a new low for KM in the laziness category. No explanation of how Wilbur survived, no adventures on Roco Cay, no explanation of how he got new clothes and shoes (!), how he made his way back, etc. etc. All week Wilbur will be complaining about the women in his life, until Mary Explains It All with a platitude palooza.

Next week: Wilbur publishes “I Survived!!! My Amazing Survivor Story,” which quickly rises to best seller status - at Santa Roymart.

Bill the Butcher said...

The Meddler Of Charterstone
A Play
By Willm. Stirspeare.

Act 20, Scene 22.
Charterstone, a room.

ENTER the three witches, Mary, Dawn, and Eshtelle.

THREE WITCHES: Double, double, fluster, bubble
Bad combover and face o' stubble
Far better Madi's granny's cake
Along with mayo thou mayst bake
One lost boot, bulk of log
Full of fat just like a hog,
Palm tree broke, none to sing
Karaoke, or buy some bling
For a giantess that is just trouble
Drown, Weelbur, sink and bubble.
Slab of mayo, piece of wool
Dawn's mummy, left her in school
Ran away, who knows...hark!
I hear Pierre give a bark!
Comes someone who weighs double,
Quick, Weelbur, drown and bubble.

ENTER Weelbur

WEELBUR: Freinds, ladies, stupidesses, lend me some beers
I come to return to you, in your praise swim.
The weevil that crops slew hungers after them
While I am buried in fat, unto my bones.
So let it be with mourners. The cruise captain
Hath told you my fall was injurious
And seriously might the sea have injured me
If I wasn't Moy's favourite man.
So are they all...

FIRST WITCH (MARY): Hail, Weelbur, Stain of Charterstone!

SECOND WITCH (DAWN): Hell, Daddy, Stain of Mayonnaise!

THIRD WITCH (ESHTELLE): Is this a bread knife I see before me
Its handle towards my hand?
Come, let me clutch thee.

(They stab Weelbur. Eshtelle strikes the first, Mary the last blow.)

WEELBUR: Et tu, Worthe? Then fall, Weelbur!


ENTER Libby and Pierre

LIBBY: Miaow.


(Begins looking for mayonnaise-flavoured brains.)

Thunderheels said...

I am so looking forward to Mary platituding her way out of this one. Can we move on to a Chatterstone pool party?
Bill the Butcher, lovely parody of Shakespeare.

Chester the Dog said...

Wilbur is the biggest hole on the planet.

Anonymous said...

I was disappointed when Wilbur survivived, but I'll be happy if he simply becomes a complete pariah forced to wallow endlessly in his social isolation.

KitKat said...

Bill the Butcher, that’s a gem!

hmmm said...

You and me both, Estelle.

Sandi Ego said...

Even if Wilbur didn't call the "ladies" to let them know he was alive, it seems reasonable the cruise line folks would do so. Not calling right away is actually quite cruel. Wilbur is the worst, as always.