Thursday, January 31, 2019

Mary Worth 3055

Poor, Ian. The only student he ever loved, turns on him like a weather vane in Kansas. I really, really thought they had a future together.

And when he gets home, his jealous wife will have packed her bags and left again.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Mary Worth 3054

A day without a secret message is like a day without sunshine.

"Certain things are meant to be overlooked. Like your obesity, and your chin beard."

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Monday, January 28, 2019

Mary Worth 3052

"After all that time I put into buttering him up, I could have been working on my assignment instead! And believe me, flattering Ian was a lot more difficult than the assignment!"

Friday, January 25, 2019

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Mary Worth 3050

Of course, I can't be certain, but I believe his exact thoughts are, "Thank heaven for our tiny little utensils! Portion control is the only way I'll get the body Jannie craves."

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Mary Worth 3049

I don't recall seeing Jannie in a turtleneck sweater before, but I'm glad that when Ian imagines Jannie in the privacy of his own brain, he dresses her in additional clothing.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Mary Worth 3048

That look was cute on Libby the One-Eyed Cat, but on you it just looks strained.

Monday, January 21, 2019

Mary Worth 3047

We get it, June. Kids today spend too much time staring at their phones, making them as cold and detached as Medussa's statuary.

Friday, January 18, 2019

Mary Worth 3046

I fell in love with June Brigman this week. I wonder if she'd like to hang out and smoke.

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Mary Worth 3045

Awww, Afficionado - the new cigarette for femme fatales. It's like smoking cotton candy through a knitting needle.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Mary Worth 3044

The audacity, making all his students think that he's an easy A, and then, wham, Expectations! Helicopter parents must hate him.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Mary Worth 3043

Jannie is an Ice Princess! The only thing that keeps her warm at all is her Virginia Slims cigarette. This woman is pure evil. You can't even sign onto the Virginia Slims website without certifying that you are over 21 and already a smoker! Stir clear, Michael, my boy. Stir clear. You're better off joining the hiking club.

Monday, January 14, 2019

Mary Worth 3042

How can Hey-Mickey-You're-So-Fine Boy even hope to compete with the beguiling Quaker Oats Man? Clearly, Jannie has Ian enthralled. He can barely contain his lust.

Friday, January 11, 2019

Mary Worth 3041

I don't know who concerns me more: Toby and Ian unable to communicate about a certain stalker co-ed, or Mary reading Outlander and thinking about her friends.

Does that melting candle symbolize something waning?

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Mary Worth 3040

Will she, or won't she? I hate these cliff-hanger endings! The suspense is KILLING me! Or maybe it's just gas.

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Mary Worth 3039

Suddenly, Toby is worried about appearing petty and selfish. Who says Mary Worth characters can't change. And to prove it, she's suddenly in mourning for Bella the dog.

Hey, everyone, thanks so much for making donations after the Worthy Awards yesterday. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it! And I hope you enjoyed the ceremony.

Monday, January 7, 2019

Eleventh Annual Worthy Awards

Ladies and gentleman welcome to the 11th Annual Worthy Awards!

It's a grand night for celebrating all that is Worthy of celebrating. Don't let that mob of #MeToo protestors outside discourage you from enjoying all the excitement inside Auditoreum.

Muffins are available in the lobby for $1. All proceeds support Local Animal Shelter.

To get us started, here is the lovely Patty Page with her beloved, "How Much is that Doggy in the Window?"

Generally, it's been a wonderful year in Santa Royale, and everyone has been over the moon about all the great stuff that has happened. But there has been sadness and loss too, so we want to take just a moment to present the annual Aldo Kelrast Memorial Award. Each year, one lucky recipient who has died receives this coveted prize. This year, the trophy goes to Bella!

Congratulations, Bella. I'm sure you will never be replaced!

Our first award is for outstanding pefromance by an inconsequential character. This year's nominees stirred up some controversy because some voters felt Wilbur's Therapist was ignored by the condo board because he is black.

The condo board has issued the following statement: "How can you call Wilbur's therapist inconsequential? He cured Wilbur in one session. So, despite his brief appearance, Therapist, did not qualify for this award. The condo board is eager to recognize all outstanding contributions to the Worthiverse, regardless of race, religion, gender or how embarrassingly cliche he or she may be."

And now, on to our first Worthy Award:


Santa Royale Gothic
Claudia the Cat Woman
The Widow Estelle
Father Therapist
George the Agent

And the tropy goes to...


Brony made his first appearance in Mary Worth on December 28, and normally would have missed the deadline for consideration. His last minute appearance, however, has taken Santa Royale by storm. Here's hoping we see much more of him. But we won't.

Our next category is:


The nominees are:

Iris Beedie



Libby the Cat

Mary Worth

Father Therapist

The Quadrumvirate of Abandonment
And the Worthy goes to:

Libby the Cat
See, what did the Condo Board say about not being prejudiced. Libby has only one eye! I mean, that's kind of gross. But now she has a Worthy Award, even if she can only see half of it.

Our next category is:


The nominees are:





Mary's Muffins

Saul Wynter

Ted Miller

And the Worthy goes to:

Ted Miller
Okay, okay, settle down. Settle down. It's not like he was nominated for the Supreme Court or anything. #MeToo, #QuiteACharacter

Our next category is for:


The nominees are:

Dr. Jeff Cory, M.D.

Mary Worth

Mr. Allora

Toby Cameron

Tommy Beedie

Wilbur Weston

And the Worthy goes to:

Wilbur Weston

No one has earned more loving cups than Wilbur Weston!

Our next category is perhaps the most anticipated:


The nominees are:

Old Footwear
Infinite Possibilities
Muffin Hat: It's funny because he assaulted her

Ol' Green Eyes

Screw California's Water Shortage

Italian Discos are the Best Discos

And the Worthy Award goes to:

Muffin Hat: It's funny because he assaulted her
HaHaHaHaHa! I'm still laughing about how funny it is.

Our final category is STORY OF THE YEAR.

The nominees are:

Mary's Muffins

Wilbur Spirals into Suicidal Depression

Mary Buys Tires

Libby the One Eyed Cat

And the winner of the Worthy Award for STORY OF THE YEAR goes to:

Wilbur Spirals into Suicidal Depression

2018 was a phenomonal year in Santa Royale. Thank you everyone for hanging out with Mary Worth and Me. If you feel so inspired to leave a tip in the tip jar, you can do so here:

2019 looks promising already, so I wish you all a wonderful New Year!

~ Wanders