Mary Worth 3698

Text dumped. It's okay... Shauna still loves you, Drew.

P.S., I came home from work late last night to discover I had forgotten to press "publish" on yesterday morning's post. Today is like a single admission double-header.

Mary Worth 3697

Great job offer out of town: Denny's in Keokuk.

More PayPal thank yous: Thank you to Cheryl and Buckley for their generous donations to the "Santa Royale Rehabilitation Fund." I'm sure Ashlee Jones will be rehabilitated in no time.

Mary Worth 3696

"Your kindness and compassion as a doctor inspire me to go to medical school. Please PayPal me $200,000 instead of five grand."

Mary Worth 3695

Not only does this doctor walk his patients to the door, but he gives them $5,000 as well, thinks every patient in the waiting room.

Mary Worth 3694

"Sometimes I get so caught up in my job that I totally forget what my job actually is. When my brain finally clears, I'm left wondering, why am I covered in blood, and whose body is that?" A great big thank you to Cheryl and Karen for your donations yesterday. They were very generous.

Mary Worth 3693

Psycho Ashlee is even more frightening than Violent Ashlee. Drew truly looks scared for his life.

By the way, you can PayPal me $5,000 right here, right now:

I will do my best to pay you back in laughs, eye rolls, and a special tote bag. Don't have $5,000? I will still do my best on the laughs and eye rolls. But for $5,000, you get a tote bag.

Mary Worth 3692

Perhaps a more accurate text should read, "Killed another patient today. Buried in paperwork. Don't barge in and swear at me."

Mary Worth 3691

Drew prays that one day the clinic can buy a defibrillator.

Mary Worth 3690

Did you forget to send him a Venmo request?

Mary Worth 3689

"It's five grand, five thousand clams, 50 Benjamins, quite a lot of moolah, five thousand smackers, a real bucket of samolians, five thousand smackaroonies... what I'm really trying to say is, it's a lot of bread. But I'm happy to lend you the dough so I can share you with the world."

Mary Worth 3688

Ashlee only asks because she loves to be compared to Shauna.

Mary Worth 3687

Drew deftly slips Ashlee's earring into his shirt cuff. Later he feels guilty and claims to find it in his truffade.

Mary Worth 3686

Wow, the price of a good grift has really dropped. Ten or 12 years ago, Ted Confrey got 50 G's, a few years back, even Arthur Zero could get $10,000. It is definitely a victim's market.

Mary Worth 3685

I'm hoping that Ashlee asks for $50,000, which is exactly the amount Drew's sister gave to her conman boyfriend.

Mary Worth 3684

"Thanks! The security video of you slugging me in the head was also fab!"

Mary Worth 3683

"What time?"

"I have no idea. My Rolex is missing again."

Thank you to Matthew Cunningham at the super-underground dark-Facebook page that I will not name. I totally stole this joke without asking his permission because it was too good not to steal.

Mary Worth 3682

"I am tired. My coffee is on your face."

Mary Worth 3681

"There is no moving on." Accurate.

But, listen, this is the best story we've had since "Dogs are Good," and I for one hope it never ends.

Mary Worth 3680

Ooooo, she called Shauna, "trash." Heh heh. Good one.

Mary Worth 3679

The lines in this image look a little blurry. It is almost as if it's been photocopied and reused so many times, it is starting to lose its integrity. Much like the Red Cross if they don't issue that cease-and-desist letter soon.

Mary Worth 3678

I'm so relieved that Shauna consented to the doctor sharing personal medical information with Ashlee. There is hope for their friendship at last. Because we all know how this will end: Ashlee and Shauna both dump Drew.

Mary Worth 3677

Please, please, please take them both to the same exam room and then, like every doctor in the country, make them wait for 17 minutes alone. A lot of violence can happen in 17 minutes. And then, hopefully, Drew can get punched four or five more times when he retruns.

Mary Worth 3676

Has the woman hiding behind her desk hit the panic alarm button yet? The People's Clinic really needs to improve security for the safety of patients and employees. Perhaps in addition to Shauna and Ashlee getting arrested, Drew will find himself in court for negligence.

Mary Worth 3675

MissScarlet! Calls it AGAIN! The Fury v. Wilder heavyweight fight is in Las Vegas on July 24th. Just saying.

Mary Worth 3674

Well, Miss Scarlett got her wish: Hair pulling. Hair. Pulling. Today I'm hoping she wishes for jail time. Jail. Time. Or at least a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

Mary Worth 3673

I hope the People's Clinic has a decent burn unit.

Mary Worth 3672

Please, help me decide which panel is the best!

Shauna slaps Ashlee:

Ashlee slaps Shauna:

Or Dawn slaps Drew:

Mary Worth 3671

Yesterday, Drew acknowledged that having two people in love with him was difficult. So this is what love looks like.

Mary Worth 3670

We pull back to discover that he has woken up next to Suzanne Pleshette and this has all been a hilarious dream.

Mary Worth 3669

So while this dream has quickly become tedious, I am still left to ponder the meaning of Drew's left hand appearing on his right arm.

Mary Worth 3668

Earlier this week, we discussed some of the historic sybolism of circles and squares in ancient religions and cultures. Today we will discuss the deeply meaningful symbolism of blondes and brunettes: Blondes good; Brunettes evil.

Mary Worth 3667

And just like that, she was gone. Having contributed nothing to the plot, she disappeared into the night. She even forgot her prescription.

Mary Worth 3666

I'm completely drawn to the symbiology of Shauna's earring. I understand Masons revere circles as a symbol of the compass, which I used in the fifth grade to draw circles in geometry. And the square is symbolic of a square that you can use to make squares and measure square things. Historically, and in many cultures, the circle represents our spiritual selves and the square represents our physical selves. The common image of a circle inside a square can be symbolic of our spiritual selves suppressed by our physical bodies. But Shauna's earring is a square inside a circle, and seems to be indicating now that she's clean and sober, her spiritual self has overcome the addictions and weakness of her flesh. Not like that !@#$% Ashlee!

Mary Worth 3665

"... She's not like that with me. She found my watch!"

Mary Worth 3664

Sometimes a little Nair is the best thing for the embarrassing hairs.

Mary Worth 3663

Ashlee and Shauna are already friends! I did not see this coming.

Mary Worth 3662

I bet Shauna wouldn't have returned the watch she stole.

Mary Worth 3661

Interesting fact. The Red Cross doesn't want you using their logo. From their website: "When the emblem is misused, it puts humanitarian workers and medical personnel at risk. These teams depend on community trust—both during peacetime and during war." Cease and desist letter forthcoming.

Mary Worth 3660

"Shoot, it's inscribed. Now I'll never get full value."

Mary Worth 3659

I can just imagine the conversation Jeff had with his wife, "You bought our son a $10,000 watch?? Can't it at least be from both of us?"

Mary Worth 3658

"I mean, at least she was always late after she gave me her watch."

Mary Worth 3657

"No, Ashlee, my watch. I'm worried that I may have stitched it inside of Mrs. Jacobson."

Mary Worth 3656

A couple of years ago a brony was a last minute nominee and handedly won a Worthy Award, but now it just feels like pandering... even if it is Princess Twilight Sparkle, my favorite of the Pegasi.

Mary Worth 3655

So it's not just cell phones. Ashlee has never been able to hold any phone comfortably:

Mary Worth 3654

You know who else was a busy doctor as a child? This guy:

Mary Worth 3653

Mrs. Wanders and I went to Longwood Gardens in Pennsylvania yesterday. It had the variety we needed.

That's it! Give me more of that! Click! Click! Click!

That's it! Lovely! Click! Click! Click!

Beautiful, Mrs. Wanders! Click! Click! Click!

Keep away from my watch!