Thursday, January 30, 2020

Mary Worth 3278

And his drugs grew your hair back as well. It’s thicker and more lustrous than ever. I guess, once properly diagnosed, thyroid problems really aren’t a problem at all. 

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Mary Worth 3277

Actually, love disagrees with you. Love says, “You didn’t make up. You couldn’t make up because Zak was never in the wrong. You broke up because you were an idiot. And you still are an idiot. The only thing that changed in this story was your weight... and at a very unnatural and unhealthy rate.” That’s what Love says. 

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Mary Worth 3276

"I'm moving back in now that I'm comfortable with my body again."

"I'll be playing video games at the studio while you move in. I'll see you tonight, sweetheart."

Oh, I do so hope that Iris gets to thank Mary Worth while she's at Charterstone.

Monday, January 27, 2020

Mary Worth 3275

Good news! Iris is hot again and eating breakfast at Zaks! The hussy.

Thursday, January 23, 2020

Mary Worth 3274

She sounds like an eighth grader trying to convince her bff that she's super mature.

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

Mary Worth 3273

Perfect, Mary! A paper bag. Cats love playing around in garbage. No, it's true. Here's our little kitty in the cardboard box he adopted as his home, sneaking a stretch on the tin foil we laid out for some freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and playing with one of the many wadded up foil balls he loves. Cats are easy to please.

Monday, January 20, 2020

Mary Worth 3272

"And do you remember when I got totally hammered when we double dated with my ex and her studly boyfriend?"

"Yes! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Saturday, January 18, 2020

Friday, January 17, 2020

Mary Worth 3270

Well, Iris is back at Charterstone, resting with the old folks. And maybe after she's taken her prescribed medications and eaten wholesome groceries, she will one day have the strength to visit Zak at his groovy bachelor's pad.

Thursday, January 16, 2020

Mary Worth 3269

You know who I'd like to meet? Zak's parents. I want to know all about them and how he was raised. Because, you know, Freud.

Also, tell us more about this volunteer work you claim to be doing, Iris, that we've never heard of before. Does this mean that you also have a real job that we've never heard of either?

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Mary Worth 3268

So, wait a minute. When you thought you were -- heaven forbid -- AGING, you ended the best relationship you've ever had because you didn't want to be a burden on your boyfriend. But now that you have an actual disease, everything is awesome because your boyfriend is awesome and he has an awesome doctor who happens to accept your cut rate insurance? Oh, Iris, what did we do to deserve you?

Friday, January 10, 2020

Mary Worth 3265

Despite Iris's hyperbole, I'm gratified to know her misery is rooted in her condition, rather than her relationship.

Also, another spectacular medical exam room in Santa Royale, California!

Thursday, January 9, 2020

Mary Worth 3264

Well this is a surprising development. With the proper treatment, Iris should be back to her smoking hot self by next week!

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

Mary Worth 3263

"Dr. Howard, my girlfriend is gaining weight and losing her hair. Can I bring her in for a check up tomorrow?"

"Sounds serious, Zak. I'll cancel Mrs. Freibusch at 9:00. Anything for you."

"Thanks. Also, I want to bring my buddy Wilbur along who is also gaining weight and losing hair."

Tuesday, January 7, 2020

Mary Worth 3262

So, Iris, finally tells Zak that she went to see a doctor and her diagnosis is that they're all the same. This made me think back on all the doctor's we've met. Both Doctor Corys. Dr. Kaphut, who was shooting heroine before performing surgery on that little girl, Olive. The doctor who was married, but tried to seduce Dawn. And the doctor Iris saw, who was less like a doctor and more like the "Guess Your Age" barker at the amusement park.

Gosh, I hope Doctor Howard is more like the Corys.

Monday, January 6, 2020

The 2019 Worthy Awards!

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the 2019 Worthy Awards! So many celebrities are on hand to celebrate the overwhelming awesomeness that is the Worthiverse! And you have a front row seat!

Nowhere on the planet are more people gathered together to celebrate Mary Worth and her friends! And that's a guarantee.

The votes have been tabulated and secured by the partners at Santa Royale Accounting Associates. Over eight thousand votes were cast, so obviously, you care! And tonight we announce the winners! Can you hardly wait?

I know I can hardly wait!

But wait, before we start, let's begin with a wonderful musical number beaming directly from the private karaoke room at the Starlight Lounge! Ladies and gentleman, Jinny Boum performs, "Jellyfish, Monkfish and Crab!"

Ladies and gentleman, if you'll stop applauding and sit down again, we want to change the mood with our most depressing award of the evening. Each year, the Condo Board presents the Aldo Kelrast Memorial Award to a character who died during the year. This year, we are pleased to announce that tonight's winner is...

... the monkfish in Jeff's chowder!

Congratulations, monkfish! You look delicious! We know this is your "first time with it," but this is an award you only win once!

And now, the moment you've waited all year for! It's time to announce the winners of the 2019 Worthy Awards!

Our first category is: Inconsequential character!

First, the condo board has asked me to address the contention that Terry Bryson is not an inconsequential character. To that, I simply respond, she used to be very important. But then she got married and quickly became inconsequential. We'll see how she does tonight. If she doesn't win, she's even less consequential than we imagined.

The nominees for outstanding performance by an inconsequential character are:

Friendly Burn Victim 

Misogynist Mitch

Blind Date Hobo


Terry Bryson

And the most inconsequential character of 2019 is:

Blind Date Hobo

Congratulations, Hobo! We've loved you since you first helped Nola Wolvenson change her life from selfish to kind. Everyone deserves True Love, and I hope you have better luck on than Estelle had when she me met you.

(Terry Bryson who?)

Our next category is Outstanding Representation of Food. 

And the nominees are:

Tuna Casserole fit for a cat

Organic Falafel (Non-GM)

Lasagna Pancakes

Tuna Sandwich Recipe (the secret ingredient is tuna)

Beefcake Sandwich

Some Type of Seafood

And the Worthy Award goes to:

Beefcake Sandwich
Aw, yes... Because everything's better in France!

The nominees for Outstanding Performance by a Guest Character are:

Hugo of France




And the worthy for outstanding performance by a guest character goes to:

Arthur couldn't be here to accept his award tonight. But if you send him $10,000, he can be here tomorrow!

The nominees for Outstanding Floating Head are:

Ivan Ingham, Male Model

Hugo of France

Jannie, Fantasy Version

Jannie, Reality Version

And the Worthy Award goes to:

Jannie, Reality Version

Thank you, Jannie, for speaking for all of us.

And now, Outstanding Performance by a Regular Character. Year after year, this award has gone to Wilbur Weston. Will he sextuple?? We hate to even think about it!

Dr. Ian Cameron, Ph.D.

Dr. Jeff Cory, M.D.

Mary Worth

Toby Cameron

Iris Beedie

Wilbur Weston
Dawn Weston

And, the Worthy Award for outstanding performance by a recurring character goes to:

Wilbur Weston

He's done it! He's done it again! He blew away the competition and kept us all cringing in our seats for the entire year! Thank you Wilbur Weston. You are, indeed, the Meryl Streep of the Worthiverse.

"Did he mention my name?"

The nominees for Panel of the Year are:

Hamburger Dreams

Say Anything Else

Family Portrait

Parallel Emotional Histories

Chopstick Mastery

Mystery Date from Milton Bradley

And the winner is:

Family Portrait

Okay, this was well deserved. I remember when I first saw this, I had a little fit of the man giggles. Now is a good time to thank June Brigman for all she does to keep us smiling! Thank you, June. It was a very fun year.

And speaking of fun, the nominees for Outstanding Story are:

Ian's Unfortunate Distraction

Estelle Dates a Loser

Estelle Dates a Loser 2

Hugo Paints a House

A Fate Worse than Death

And the Worthy Award for Outstanding Story of 2019 goes to:

Estelle Dates a Loser 2

Yes, ladies and gentleman, this is one of those wonderful moments where the sequel is even better than the original! The Empire Strikes Back, Godfather Part II, and now Estelle Dates a Loser 2! Well done Karen Moy and June Brigman! Well done! Congratulations, and thank you for your devotion to creating a magical place like the Worthiverse! 

If we didn't appreciate what you do, we wouldn't be here honoring your accomplishments and celebrating your characters. Without you, none of this would be possible. 

Also, a lot of you bribed the judges, and I'm grateful for that as well. If you didn't get the chance, and if you've enjoyed yourself today, please consider making a special voluntary donation and help me put my kids through college. (Three in college this year, and they are awesome).