Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Mary Worth 514

One of the most reasonable things you can do when you need to get your head together is run out on your spouse without explanation. It really helps lay the groundwork for that family you want to start.

Today's Full Strip

Monday, June 29, 2009

Mary Worth 513

Of course there are some Lawrence-and-Delilah things of which Lawrence would not approve of sharing, such as the New York Times crossword puzzle. Lawrence is insanely jealous of anyone who tries to do the New York Times crossword. That is their thing! He once punched out a valley cab driver because he saw a half-done crossword sitting in the passenger seat.

Other things that Lawrence refuses to share with the general public:

Pride and Prejudice
Orange juice
Large saucepans
Burro refrigerator magnets
Howards End
Robbie Benson
The Empire State Building
The Dixie Chicks
Burt Reynolds
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
Daniel Johnston and Jad Fair
The Prime Directive
High School Musical 2
Aluminum foil

If you doubt the other-worldliness of Rodgers and Hammerstein, then listen again to Edelweiss on the Charterstone Jukebox.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Mary Worth 512

If one considers the Mary Worth comic strip to be, by virtue of its age, a "classic," I'd say Delilah's statement is irony worthy of E. M. Forster. Especially in that outfit.

But even great writers are susceptible to bad editors... especially when modern word balloons are so tiny:

I contend that after something is necessary, it remains necessary until after it becomes unnecessary. But I could be wrong; I'm no E. M. Forster.

I have added "Edelweiss" to the Charterstone Jukebox, even though I know loyal reader Toots McGee wanted me to add "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Delilah?" But I added Edelweiss because over the past 11 years I have sung that song nearly every night to our various children, sometimes three times a night. So I think I'm close to 10,000 performances. That is, if you include the altered version I still sing to my 12-year-old son. He insists I sing the words of the Spider-Man theme song to the Edelweiss tune thusly:
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can.
Spins a web, any size,
Catches thieves just like flies.

In the chill of night,
At the scene of the crime,
Like a streak of light,
He arrives just in time.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man,
Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.
Today's Full Strip

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Mary Worth 511

Another great cliff hanger. How will I hold on until tomorrow? How could Delilah have possibly brought something that could make this visit even more wonderful? I mean, what could be better than spending time with a prima donna so unhappy in her marriage that she seeks shelter and escape in the home of her parents' old neighbor? Granted, Mary Worth was like a mother to her when her own mother was wholly inadequate. And now, she can be like a husband when Delilah's husband is wholly inadequate.

I'm betting $10 that the gift is some sort of a book. Because that would be a really clever gift and make this story even more fascinating.

Today's Full Strip

Friday, June 26, 2009

Mary Worth 510

I mean, we literally rejoiced! We were so glad to see you go. But now you are back. And I will do everything in my power to return you to the valley.

Today's Full Strip

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Mary Worth 509

"But don't you see, Mary? We're family now. You and me. Won't we have such wonderful times together?"

Today's Full Strip

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Mary Worth 508

That's because you've never eaten so many salmon squares before. A little Pepto-Bismol should take care of that.

Today's Full Strip

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Mary Worth 507

Well, it is clear that Delilah was not a cooking prodigy. But who could be, growing up in the shadow of Mary Worth.

Really though, Delilah, you just left your husband, so why is it such good fortune that your spouse validates your cooking? He's a jerk, remember?

First dish set on the table? The coffee pot!

Here's a recipe that you might enjoy.

Today's Full Strip

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Mary Worth 506

Still not sure what our favorite child prodigy is good at, but she might be an architect or a sculptor since she thinks of herself as Michelangelo without abash.

One thing's for sure, Dawn Weston must despise her!

Today's Full Strip

Monday, June 15, 2009

Mary Worth 505

Something about today's strip reminds me of when Benjamin Franklin first sent Vera to live at Charterstone back in the 18th century. Hopefully, this plot will rise to the standards set by the the Vera/Drew/Dawn story. So far, I think there is an excellent chance.

Today's Full Post

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Mary Worth 504

It's been a very important week and we've learned a lot about Lawrence and Delilah Jonis, even though they weren't even around. Here's what we know about Lawrence and Delilah so far:
  • Delilah is Toby's and Mary Worth's old neighbor.
  • She was a teen prodigy.
  • She grew up at Charterstone.
  • Toby loved how Delilah and her husband got together.
  • Delilah and Lawrence became fast friends from the day they met.
  • She and Lawrence were such good friends before they were married.
  • Lawrence was a brilliant young philosophy professor.
  • Lawrence has become a world famous lecturer like, um ... no, I can't think of any.
  • She and Lawrence are the perfect couple.
  • They were one of those perfect couples that give you hope in ideal love whenever you think about them.
  • She and Lawrence are having problems.
  • They were so happy together and their separation is a surprise.
  • They have too much going for them to give it all up now.
  • It is hard to believe that she and Lawrence are separating.
  • Mary plans for her to stay for the next few months, but really has no idea how long she'll stay.
  • We can only hope her story will have a happy ending.
What we now know about Toby:
  • She and Ian are going to Scotland in a last ditch attempt to save their marriage.
  • For her, marriage has been series of compromises.
  • She tries to ride the waves.
  • Toby has never known ideal love. She thinks marriage is hard.
  • She likes salmon squares.

Today's Full Strip

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Mary Worth 503

Much has been said over the years about the food at the Charterstone Pool Party. But allow me if I may to share a true story...

When I was in the second grade, we went to my grandmother's house for Thanksgiving. We kids sat at a card table in the living room. Grandma fixed this classic Jell-o salad that grandmas fixed in the 70's... it was essentially the same color as the glop in that bowl at the pool party, and that's why I'm reminded of this story. Grandma's Jell-o salad was prepared in a bunt cake pan and then sliced and served on a leaf of iceberg lettuce. Well, I took one bight and immediately gagged. Quite loudly. GY-ACK. The salad was the same color I used to color skin in coloring books, and for about a year, whenever I used that color crayon, it would make me gag. I'd sit at my second grade desk, coloring away, and gagging over and over.

Funny that after all these years, looking at the pool party spread, I want to gag again.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Local University Welcomes You!

Dear applicant,

Thank you for considering Local University. We think that you will be pleased with what we have to offer. Our professors are some of the best mid-level academics in the county. And we offer several outstanding degrees:

1) Doctoring. Our excellent three-and-a-half-year medical program will prepare you for an exciting career as a doctor at a hospital where sick people go.

2) Professor. Teach pedagogy or philosophy. Or something else. Be a university professor at Local U. Why leave?

3) Art. We'll teach you to draw all kinds of things. And if you can't get a job as an artist, you can still be an art professor here at Local U.

4) Graphic Design. This is a really exciting program that is sort of like art.

5) Newspaper writing. Write for a newspaper using a chic pseudonym. Men can even pretend to be women. Or take pictures for the newspaper and destroy people's so-called relationships.

6) Town Councilman. We'll show you how to bypass the democratic process to get appointed to the choicest seats of power.

7) Ice Skater. You'll learn to keep it tight.

These are just a few of the eight rigorous academic programs available at Local U. But if you think of any others, please let us know and we'll be happy to add them.


Martin Dean
Dean of Academics
Local University, Santa Royale

P.S., Send us some money. We're going to build a building.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Mary Worth 502

I'm really uncomfortable with a university professor dating a teen prodigy, no matter what his subject is, be it philosophy or pedagogy. And no matter what she might be so prodigious at, be it violin or floor tiling. Or where he teaches, be it Harvard or Local U. Hmmmm, this Lawrence and Delilah couple sure don't remind me of another couple that had their ups and downs last year shortly after Jeff and Mary had their ups and downs.

I'm going to go tuck in my shirt.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Mary Worth 501

There must be an awful lot of grass and mud in that pool. Which would explain why no one swims at these parties. And where's the required safety fence? And what are they all drinking? It seems no one can keep away from the Styrofoam cups and straws this year. But more importantly, has Adrian changed her outfit just to look more like Mary Worth? Not surprising. She is a role model.

Today's Full Strip

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Mary Worth 500

Since we are forced to simply take Toby's word for it that Delilah and Lawrence are the perfect couple, I can't help but wonder what makes them so perfect. It can't just be that they were friends before they got married. Perhaps they both like seafood, or they enjoy watching travel videos together. Maybe they like to ride horses, or call each other endearing nicknames like "Queeny" or "Conny." Perhaps they like listening to popular singing duos or upping each others' antibiotic regimens.

But maybe there doesn't really need to be a reason. Perhaps the fact that Mary and Toby say they are the perfect couple should be all the motivation I need to really care this way about saving their marriage.

Today's Full Strip

Monday, June 8, 2009

Mary Worth 499

Didn't I say on June 2 that the only thing we were missing was a good Charterstone Pool Party? Well, thank you Karen Moy for inviting us! Everybody's here and not a swimsuit in sight: Ian and Toby, Mary, Wilbur, and look, there's Adrian going on about her new lawman. It looks like the Styrofoam cups and straws are a huge hit this year. Now, where are those famous pretzel sticks?

I've added the song "Delilah" to the Charterstone Jukebox. Enjoy.

Today's Full Strip

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Mary Worth 498

Is that the house talking? Because if it is, I can name several reasons it should beg for forgiveness. No wonder Delilah wants to leave the Valley and live at Charterstone.

One thing you have to admit about Mary, when it comes to meddling, she does not procrastinate.

It just seems to me that Delilah is acting as irrational and idiotic as Mary was acting when she was dating Ron Amalfi and giving Jeff the silent treatment. But in the end, she was able to blame the whole affair on Jeff and make him beg for forgiveness before letting him crawl back to her. She should be the perfect confidante for Delilah.

Today's Full Strip

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Mary Worth 497

If it were possible to assess the quality of a marriage, or an individual's impact on a relationship, based on just two or three sentences, I'd have to say this one is as bad and as irrational as when Mary and Jeff were having their issues. Fortunately, with a slight change of the drapes to fuchsia, things will be patched up in no time.

I have to say it's been a little jarring to see so much yellow fabric over the last few days. I thought fifth grader Beatrice Chestnut, coloring artist, was reserving that exclusively for Toby's hair and jaundiced skin tones.

Today's Full Post

Friday, June 5, 2009

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Mary Worth 495

It's all very mysterious and intriguing. Delilah needs a week to take care of "things." She can't go into detail over the telephone for fear someone may overhear. She keeps looking over her shoulder to see who might be sneaking up from behind. Who is she afraid of? Lawrence? The mob? The police? How desperate she must be to actually move in with Mary. The horror. The horror.

Today's Full Strip.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Mary Worth 494

This strikes me as a really good idea. By staying with Mary, Delilah will have the privacy and alone-time she needs to get her head together, and Mary will have new flesh to eat. It's a complete win-win.

Today's Full Strip

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Mary Worth 493

This is perfect! Mary knows all about taking a break. She and Jeff did it exactly one year ago today. I guess Karen Moy somehow understands how much we need another "Taking a Break" story each year. The only thing we're missing is a good pool party. It seems like forever since we all got to put on our best business casual and hit the pool. I wonder what Delilah did to get kicked out of the house?

Today's Full Strip

Monday, June 1, 2009

Mary Worth 492

While I'm saddened to hear that Lawrence isn't doing so well, I'm thrilled to see Delilah make an appearance. As many of you know, I'm a huge Delilah fan. I can't think of a better meddling duo. However, because Delilah is a radio phenom, I wonder if we'll only get to read her voice over the phone, and never really get to know her!

If Lawrence needs to up his anti-biotic regimen, Mary was the perfect person to call.

Edited to add: I really, really think that the title of the book Mary is reading is Love Mattersby Delilah herself! I've been looking at this image all day and I am convinced.

Today's Full Strip.