Mary Worth 3699

Roll up, roll up for the Mystery Tour!

So Ashlee Jones really does have a great job offer out of town? And Drew is heartbroken? I saw none of this coming.

Just an aside, I've taken Greyhound several times in the past five years. I've actually enjoyed it as a way to travel, but without doubt the worst customer service I've experienced in years. If you have to call their overseas call center, be prepared for a fight.

Mary Worth 3698

Text dumped. It's okay... Shauna still loves you, Drew.

P.S., I came home from work late last night to discover I had forgotten to press "publish" on yesterday morning's post. Today is like a single admission double-header.

Mary Worth 3697

Great job offer out of town: Denny's in Keokuk.

More PayPal thank yous: Thank you to Cheryl and Buckley for their generous donations to the "Santa Royale Rehabilitation Fund." I'm sure Ashlee Jones will be rehabilitated in no time.

Mary Worth 3696

"Your kindness and compassion as a doctor inspire me to go to medical school. Please PayPal me $200,000 instead of five grand."

Mary Worth 3695

Not only does this doctor walk his patients to the door, but he gives them $5,000 as well, thinks every patient in the waiting room.

Mary Worth 3694

"Sometimes I get so caught up in my job that I totally forget what my job actually is. When my brain finally clears, I'm left wondering, why am I covered in blood, and whose body is that?" A great big thank you to Cheryl and Karen for your donations yesterday. They were very generous.

Mary Worth 3693

Psycho Ashlee is even more frightening than Violent Ashlee. Drew truly looks scared for his life.

By the way, you can PayPal me $5,000 right here, right now:

I will do my best to pay you back in laughs, eye rolls, and a special tote bag. Don't have $5,000? I will still do my best on the laughs and eye rolls. But for $5,000, you get a tote bag.

Mary Worth 3692

Perhaps a more accurate text should read, "Killed another patient today. Buried in paperwork. Don't barge in and swear at me."

Mary Worth 3691

Drew prays that one day the clinic can buy a defibrillator.

Mary Worth 3690

Did you forget to send him a Venmo request?

Mary Worth 3689

"It's five grand, five thousand clams, 50 Benjamins, quite a lot of moolah, five thousand smackers, a real bucket of samolians, five thousand smackaroonies... what I'm really trying to say is, it's a lot of bread. But I'm happy to lend you the dough so I can share you with the world."

Mary Worth 3688

Ashlee only asks because she loves to be compared to Shauna.

Mary Worth 3687

Drew deftly slips Ashlee's earring into his shirt cuff. Later he feels guilty and claims to find it in his truffade.

Mary Worth 3686

Wow, the price of a good grift has really dropped. Ten or 12 years ago, Ted Confrey got 50 G's, a few years back, even Arthur Zero could get $10,000. It is definitely a victim's market.

Mary Worth 3685

I'm hoping that Ashlee asks for $50,000, which is exactly the amount Drew's sister gave to her conman boyfriend.

Mary Worth 3684

"Thanks! The security video of you slugging me in the head was also fab!"

Mary Worth 3683

"What time?"

"I have no idea. My Rolex is missing again."

Thank you to Matthew Cunningham at the super-underground dark-Facebook page that I will not name. I totally stole this joke without asking his permission because it was too good not to steal.

Mary Worth 3682

"I am tired. My coffee is on your face."

Mary Worth 3681

"There is no moving on." Accurate.

But, listen, this is the best story we've had since "Dogs are Good," and I for one hope it never ends.

Mary Worth 3680

Ooooo, she called Shauna, "trash." Heh heh. Good one.

Mary Worth 3679

The lines in this image look a little blurry. It is almost as if it's been photocopied and reused so many times, it is starting to lose its integrity. Much like the Red Cross if they don't issue that cease-and-desist letter soon.

Mary Worth 3678

I'm so relieved that Shauna consented to the doctor sharing personal medical information with Ashlee. There is hope for their friendship at last. Because we all know how this will end: Ashlee and Shauna both dump Drew.

Mary Worth 3677

Please, please, please take them both to the same exam room and then, like every doctor in the country, make them wait for 17 minutes alone. A lot of violence can happen in 17 minutes. And then, hopefully, Drew can get punched four or five more times when he retruns.

Mary Worth 3676

Has the woman hiding behind her desk hit the panic alarm button yet? The People's Clinic really needs to improve security for the safety of patients and employees. Perhaps in addition to Shauna and Ashlee getting arrested, Drew will find himself in court for negligence.

Mary Worth 3675

MissScarlet! Calls it AGAIN! The Fury v. Wilder heavyweight fight is in Las Vegas on July 24th. Just saying.

Mary Worth 3674

Well, Miss Scarlett got her wish: Hair pulling. Hair. Pulling. Today I'm hoping she wishes for jail time. Jail. Time. Or at least a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

Mary Worth 3673

I hope the People's Clinic has a decent burn unit.