Thursday, November 20, 2008

Mary Worth 371

And Mary Worth has made it her mission to help them remember!

I was hoping that Mary was about to launch into another flashback about something she regrets, but clearly Frank has come knocking on Lynn's door. Only Frank would knock so heavy-handedly.

I think it's time for another Not-A-Real-Contest! Whoever correctly guesses what Lynn regrets, will get to choose a song for the Charterstone Jukebox (all songs subject to Condo Board approval). I just worry that with Frank's interruption, we may never hear Lynn's confession. Should that prove to be the case, we'll award the prize to whoever comes up with the most likely regret, as determined by the Condo Board. Post your regrets in the comment section today!

Today's Full Strip

26 comments:

caroline said...

Ooh ... my vote, she did something that either directly or indirectly led to her mother's death and she's been guilt ridden ever since and doesn't think she deserves skating success therefore sabotages her own chances of winning frustrating her father and causing further alienation between them ... [deep breath]

... quite the longest sentence I ever typed.

maconmemad said...

Well caroline my guess is a slight variation to your vote. I think she simply regrets not havig spent more time with her now gone mother because she was always so busy with skating under Frank's dominating instruction. Or maybe she just regrets that she didn't "keep it tight" enough!

mrs carlos alorra said...

An abortion? No, probably not... Um, she really bungled a triple Lutz? Something borrowed from Tanya Harding's story (which would mean she ordered a rival attacked or made a crappy sex tape).

Anonymous said...

She regrets being a poorly developed character in a Moy written storyline.

shandyowl said...

My money is squarely on something involving cannibalsim.

Maude Findlay said...

What I think Lynn's regret is- While performing a particularly intricate spin, one of Lynn's skates flew off, and slit her mother's throat- all the while as Frank was standing on the sidelines, yelling; ''Spin FASTER, damn you! FASTER!''

shandyowl said...

or even cannabilism

Amber said...

Man, maconmemad took mine. So I'll come up with another one: Lynn was snotty to a friend/competitor and created a rift between them. That's why she doesn't have any friends.

johnny said...

I think Lynn regrets not puttng on the blue striped t-shirt before Mary barged in.

viscosity said...

Clearly Lynn regrets allowing Mary into her room ... But also she regrets not having confessed to seeing her father kill her mother with a knock-off designer scarf in a post-regional-short-contest fit of rage.

Anonymous said...

Well, in real life, she would regret having followed her mother into the world of competitive skating, because in reality, Lynn was born out of wedlock. Her real father was a third-rate Russian skater with strong cheekbones. Lynn's mother met him at some low-rent European competition (she was not competing--she was on some kind of tour thing and happened to find out that her rival would be skating at the event. She spotted Ivan near the ragout counter.), they had a tryst, and she wound up pregnant with Lynn. Her own father (Lynn's grandfather) would have been outraged, so she married the first schlub skater she could find who would marry her almost instantaneously.

Voila! Enter Frank, another second-rate skater (heterosexual, though) who falls for her and whisks her away to Vegas to be married by an Elvis impersonator, never once suspecting that Lynn, born "three months premature" was an awful big baby FOR A REASON.

As Lynn grew up, she learned to land a Double Lutz before she could walk--clearly a skating prodigy. Frank resented Lynn's natural talent, but saw in her the keys to his own personal success, so he became her "coach" (in reality, it was her mother who taught her anything worthwhile). Lynn dominated the local pee-wee skating circuit, then moved up and up in the rankings until at 17 she was ready to take on the world.

Lynn's mother, though, seeing that Frank was crazy (see previous posts--I suspect it's because a "good friend"--a guy named Ivan with a Russian accent--told him Lynn wasn't Frank's child, and the cognitive dissonance with his own personal narrative drove him around the bend), tried to spirit Lynn away to Florida, where she could skate in relative anonymity and develop her skills away from Frank's increasingly erratic and dangerous behavior. However, Frank, having exerted his only realy talent--mind control--on Lynn, convinced her that her mother was actually trying to destroy her career. Under the power of post-hypnotic suggestion, Lynn killed her mother in a hotel room that just happened to have a security surveillance camera in it.

The night watchman, recognizing skating prodigy Lynn on the monitor, saved the tape and has been using it to blackmail her for lunch money (he's not really bright).

So now Lynn regrets ever having laced up a skate. Her real coach is gone, she's suffering tremendous guilt from having killed her mother for a man who isn't even her real father, and to top it all off, her skills are degrading rapidly under his poor tutelage.

Talk about regret! I only regret that Mary Worth isn't real life, so the most likely reason Lynn has regrets is that she has spent so much time skating that her studies have suffered, she won't be able to get her GED, and that half-tuition scholarship to Lake Tranquil Community College is probably going to go down the tubes, all because of a stupid game like competitive figure skating.

wanders, if I win, then I want "She's a Girl and I'm a Man" by Lloyd Cole to go on the jukebox.

--wheelhead

Anonymous said...

She regrets sabotaging the performance of a competitor - perhaps one that we've already seen.

The Enthusiast said...

She regrets telling her father that she loved the designer gloves her father bought her last christmas. They made her an outcast at the large skating events.

Anonymous said...

I say that the day/night her mother died she had a fight with her about skating and whether or not she(Lynn) wanted to do it and during this fight Lynn said something mean IE. "I hate you." or stormed out maybe even making her mother sad enough so on the way home she crashed or something.

Anyway, because her mother wanted her too, she is now guilt ridden into skating and doing well even though her father is trying his best to make her hate both skating and life.
-Suomynona

BaHa said...

I think Lynn still regrets not pursuing a career as an offensive defenseman with the Buffalo Sabres. (I think that's the nearest NHL team to Lake Tranquil.)

BaHa said...

Or perhaps she regrets that ponytail, which is totally understandable.

Miss Emish said...

she stole a friend's hot manfriend and it DESTROYED their friendship and then he dumped her too.

Heidi said...

Lynn clearly has an eating disorder. She eats food and vomits. She probably regrets that bagel she ate for breakfast, as Mary came in minutes before she was about to purge it. Now it sits in the pit of her stomach. Making her a fatty. Just like her morbidly obese mother.

Anonymous said...

Encouraging her mother to go through with the sex change. Who knew she'd be such a miserable father?

caroline said...

Suomynona I like yours - that's probably closer than my guess.

Although the latest Anon did make me laugh out loud. I like the sex change idea!!

caroline said...

maconmemad - just said your username out loud and I finally get it (red face). I'm always envious of peeps who make up these cool usernames for stuff like this, I just end up using my boring name all the time. I need to think of a cute nom de plume!

Birdie said...

I agree with BaHa. It's the ponytail. It's been annoying me since we met her.

Anonymous said...

The problem is that you all have imaginations. You are all offering ideas that would actually be interesting. Moy's lack of imagination guarantees that Lynn's confession will be much less interesting than anything that has been offered here although I'm sure it will be good for a laugh. My guess is that she will regret not living up to her father's standards or something equally boring.

Carol said...

talking to Mary is what she regrets. How the hell is she going to get that old bat to stop touching her?

boojum said...

Some great ideas here. Suomynona, caroline and maconmenad all seem to have a firm grip on the demographic. If one of their guesses isn't right, I say we lock all three of them in a room and let them hammer out a joint concept to submit to Lifetime. Jaclyn Smith would play the dead mother, growing more beautiful with each flashback. Wheelhead would write the screenplay.

Some alternative regrets:

Once shot a man in Scottsdale, just to watch him die.

One time, at skating camp, had a late-night pillowfight with a goth chick and things got... out of hand. Now she's afraid she may be Lebanese.

Bought WaMu stock at 36.25.

That fourth chocolate martini at the Airport Hilton.

Invented the iPhone, but forgot to file the patent.

Should have killed Mary in her sleep, when she had the friggin' chance!!

JLH said...

Oh, I vote for boojum for the best response!