Monday, June 26, 2017

Mary Worth 2625

Derek mourns at the wall of missing passengers. Most of them either slipped under the "safety" rail, or were thrown overboard by Entertainer Esme.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Mary Worth 2624

"Attention passengers: Parents are reminded to never ever ever ever let go of their child's hand while onboard this vessel. That is all."

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Mary Worth 2623

Citizen Scottie McW rightfully accused me of abandoning ship yesterday. It was heartbreaking to be unable to post on such an historic day... So I'm reprinting yesterday's panel with Scottie's comment:

"I forgot to credit fauxprof too for noticing what an Olympian athletic achievement under pressure Esme pulled off. A full pike, half-twist, reverse grawlix. A unanimous 10 from the judges." - Scottie McV.

Of course, this left us hanging (see what I did?) for 24 hours, wondering what choices Katie might make. This morning, ta-da!

Now they're friends. And they can team up to make Derek's life utter heck.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Mary Worth 2622

This seems to be more than a 'lurch.' Based on the angle of the horizon, that ship is going down.

But given the image below, how far do you think Entertainer Esme will fall? How many times do you think she'll hit something on the way down? Will she splash in the water, or splat on a lower deck? Either way, tonight's Cabaret Showcase has been canceled.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Mary Worth 2621

As the star of the shipboard entertainment, Esme is probably aware of the extensive network of security cameras throughout the vessel. She knows their blind spots. She's hidden the deaths of dozens of wives. I'm starting to worry about Katie.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Mary Worth 2620

Moy and Brigman do it again, establishing an entirely new genre: Comic Noir. Someone is going to commit a murder! My money is on Katie, and she gets away with it, too, knowing that Derek will never turn her in. Or rather, she almost gets away with it. Unfortunately for Katie, Mary Worth is on board and her meddling senses are tingling.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Mary Worth 2618

No... Katie would never suspect a thing. I mean she's only thrown him out of the apartment twice tonight, once for kissing Entertainer Esme. Besides, Derek has too much integrity to cheat on Katie without telling her about it.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Mary Worth 2617

"My roommates and I have been looking for a fourth for Spades."

So, let me see... Katie throws Derek out of their cabin and then wanders up to the designated smoking area on deck 5, port side, where she sees Derek and Entertainer Esme (and nobody else) kissing. In tears, she runs all the way back to their cabin and locks out Derek who has followed her all that way without catching her. Then Derek, with his marital relationship at risk, hikes back to the designated smoking area where Entertainer Esme is smoking another cigarette, holds her, calls her "Beauty," and uses a metaphor of doomed romance, which Entertainer Esme quickly turns sexual.

Being good looking sure comes with a lot of stupidity.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Mary Worth 2616

But we all know Derek's secret power is kicking in doors!

Panel 2 gives us two more Loves. Current score:

Enjoy: 19
Good: 18
Love: 13
Nice: 7

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Monday, June 12, 2017

Mary Worth 2614

"This isn't what it looks like. What I'm really doing is resisting the urge to smoke cigarettes!"

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Mary Worth 2613

This cruise just keeps getting better and better for poor Katie. Kind of puts Derek's smoking into perspective, doesn't it?

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Friday, June 9, 2017

Mary Worth 2611

"You remind me of my mother! And Mary reminds you of YOUR mother! That means Mary reminds me of my grandmother! And my grandmother taught me to smoke! In fact, she used to give me money for cigarettes. I'm going to follow the fish carpet to Mary's cabin and hang out with grandma! She understands me."

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Mary Worth 2610

Enjoy: 19
Good: 18
Love: 11
Nice: 7

One thing's for sure... this story is changing my opinion about smoking.

You have to understand, throughout my life, I have been a huge hater of tobacco. First, I never knew my maternal grandparents because tobacco killed them. But there were other influences in my life. My father taught high school, and his classroom posters made a big impression when I was a child: "Smoking stinks," "Don't be a butt head," and especially "Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray."

Then there was the demonstration we had in sixth grade: A health worker brought in a mannequin head and torso that was open in the back so you could see a large pickle jar full of golden blonde hair representing the dummy's lungs. A tube with a pump connected the jar to the dummy's mouth. The worker put a cigarette in the mouth and lit it. With one squeeze of the pump, all that golden blonde hair (bronchi) instantly turned black.

I worked my way through college with Dr. David P.L. Sachs at the Palo Alto Center for Pulmonary Disease Prevention and Smoking Cessation Medical Group. I answered phones. "Thank you for calling the Palo Alto Center for Pulmonary Disease Prevention and Smoking Cessation Medical Group. How may I... hello, are you still there?"

In the year 2000, I started working for World Wildlife Fund in Washington D.C. to help finish a major fundraising campaign. Shortly after I started, they wanted to honor their emeritus chairman with a huge birthday party at the American Museum of Natural History in Manhattan. I was startled to learn it was for Joseph Cullman, III, who had led Philip Morris as Chairman and CEO through the 1960's and 1970's when science knew all about the dangers of tobacco, and who was still very active in the company. This was the guy who invented the Marlboro man (or at least paid an advertising agency to invent it for him) and lied to Congress repeatedly about the health dangers of smoking.

In a planning meeting for Cullman's party, I looked at my very patient boss Rachel and said, "We all realize that this guy is the corporate equivalent of Adolph Hitler, right, with the blood of millions of people on his hands, right?" There was some foot shuffling under the desk and after the meeting Rachel told me, "You don't have to participate in the event." A few weeks later, though, it turned out that they needed a stage manager, and with my theatre background, they asked me to come anyway. Curious to see what the devil looked like, I went. Turned out he was just a silly old man who loved being praised by 300 people celebrating his birthday. He was pathetic. Also, I didn't work for WWF for very long after that.

So, clearly I hate the tobacco industry and all it stands for. And yet, last night at Walgreens, I saw a display like the one below and thought, "Those cigarette boxes are really cool. I'd love to buy a pack." Karen Moy, if I take up smoking and die of lung cancer, my family is going to sue.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Mary Worth 2609

Derek performs magic with cigarettes, making it levitate and return to his mouth whenever Katie isn't looking.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Mary Worth 2608

When was the last time you saw a mariachi band before you heard the mariachi band? What are these amigos doing, silently posing for pictures?

Good: 18
Enjoy: 18
Love: 11
Nice: 7

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Mary Worth 2607

Guys, if you're married, and you've gone out to a show, and you manage to ditch your wife to smoke cigarettes with the star, you're probably okay. But if you start singing romantic 1940's songs from Bing Crosby "Road" movies with her, you've either crossed a line, or you're gay.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Mary Worth 2606

Especially if your friend is a Marlboro cigarette.

I really have no idea what Derek's motives are right now. I know he's struggling with his cigarette addiction and that this cruise has completely stressed him out for some unknown reason. But, seriously, how did he end up in a secluded designated smoking area with Esme? Twice? They never talk, they just look at each other and smoke. I guess the world is different for attractive people.

Good pulls ahead, but Nice hangs in there:

Good: 18
Enjoy: 17
Love: 11
Nice: 7

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Mary Worth 2605

"You remember Ian? The man who was pounding on my door at 2:00 AM last year because you ran away from home until he promised to respect your clay figures and clown paintings? The man you vowed to be faithful to in sickness and in health till death do you part? You know, Ian?"

"Nope. No clue. Is he good looking?"

Good: 17
Enjoy: 17
Love: 11
Nice: 6

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Mary Worth 2604

Such wonders await! Hadas de la flor!

Good: 17
Enjoy: 16
Love: 11
Nice: 6

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Mary Worth 2600

Because everyone needs multiple piano lounges in one evening...

And "Good" ties it up!

Enjoy: 16
Good: 16
Love: 11
Nice: 5

Friday, May 26, 2017

Mary Worth 2599

Well, nothing happened with the talking horses, or the pineapples, but while we were distracted by the romance of Jamaica, I missed an exciting new development. Last year, North America Syndicate relinquished power to King Features Syndicate, resulting in protest from Susan Sarandon during the Worthy Awards. But ever since Derek kicked down the bathroom door, it appears that North America Syndicate has also done some butt kicking and taken control of the Worthiverse once again, kicking King Features Syndicate off its gilded throne. It's like we're making North America Syndicate, Inc., great again! Or at least good.

Enjoy: 16
Good: 15
Love: 11
Nice: 5

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Mary Worth 2598

This morning, I was imagining that it was the horses talking, rather than Derek and Katie. Ha ha ha, I thought. That's funny.

But then I read yesterday's comments and Dear Reader Alice introduced me to Latawnya the Naughty Horse who likes drug smoking. Ha ha ha ha, I thought. That's really funny.

And then Dear Reader Cherie sent me an email and made yesterday's smoking horse dreams come true. Ha ha ha ha ha:

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Mary Worth 2597

Well, we're back to our old plot extolling the various activities available on a cruise. But at least we get horses. Let's give those horses some cigarettes. I'm not sure why that strikes me as so funny. I just want to see the horses smoking.

But here's hoping Entertainer Esme locks Katie in the stable.

And panel 1 brings back our old favorite: "Enjoy"

Enjoy: 16
Good:14
Love: 11
Nice: 5

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Mary Worth 2596

The passengers in the designated smoking areas are always so relaxed and cool. No wonder Katie goes out of her way to make sure Derek gets plenty of secondhand smoke.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Mary Worth 2595

Well, Entertainer Esme has been outsmarted by the meddling of Mary Worth, and it probably won't be the last time, either. But maybe if she can get Katie to lean on that rickety wooden rail, she'll get to smoke Pall Mall's with Derek before the day is through.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Mary Worth 2594

So... Toby is fleeing from Mary, but has forgotten who she's searching for? At least that's what Lord Montaigne thinks. He also said, "I quote others only in order the better to express myself," but I'm not sure it applies to today's strip.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Mary Worth 2593

That kick may qualify Derek as one of Entertainer Esme's back up Abe Lincoln dancer's.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Mary Worth 2592

The "sovenir" stand is right next to the bathroom?? Was Derek buying tacky caps for his assistants just four feet from Entertainer Esme as she locked up his wife? Or maybe that's some other restroom, and that's some other wife that Entertainer Esme has also locked up.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Mary Worth 2591

Of course! Of course! Why didn't I think to just ask Mary? Mary knows. She always knows. Of course, Esme is going to have to kill Mary if she ever hopes to carry out any other diabolical plans.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Mary Worth 2590

Please don't misconstrue new Take-Charge Toby's leadership for altruism. Once on board, she won't have to worry about missing the boat. And she can use the bathroom. If only she'd thought of that down by the beach.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Mary Worth 2587

Unfotunately, of the thousands of passengers enjoying this port of call, only Katie has to use the bathroom. It will be days before anyone notices she's missing. Things are going just as Entertainer Esme planned.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Mary Worth 2586

Uh-oh. Has Entertainer Esme actually hired Haitian gang members to abduct Katie in the ladies' restroom?

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Mary Worth 2585

Wait! What happened to Derek and Entertainer Esme? Were they up all night smoking cigarettes? We may never know for sure, but of this I'm certain: Katie is never going on another cruise.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Mary Worth 2584

I am not certain how Nobel Laureate and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel would feel about being quoted out of context in Mary Worth, but at least he can rest easy knowing that he received no attribution. Except that I just exposed him. Dang. Sorry, Sir Elie.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Mary Worth 2583

Woah, hey! What happened? How did these two end up alone together in the designated smoking area? This is bad, real bad. Derek is already lying to Katie and confiding in Esme the Entertainer. Smoking and flirting. Now if he'll just murder someone, I'm pretty sure Katie will divorce him.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Mary Worth 2582

Because one thing every entertainer knows: They are irreplaceable. I mean, how could they ever find someone else to sing "At Last?"

Friday, May 5, 2017

Mary Worth 2581

What does Entertainer Esme mean by "I can have him?" Does she want to add him to her collection of top-hatted chorus boys? Does she need a "Mr. Allora" in her life to keep her from hurting her back? Or is her tummy brain suggesting something more untoward.