Mary offers excellent advice! The only problem is that she's basing it on faulty information. I think Derek should probably "review past interactions" one more time and see if he has anything else to add, like "Esme is a goddess, and she kissed me on the veranda!"
Thursday, June 29, 2017
"The other thing I have in common with Esme is we both know all the words to all the songs in all the Bing Crosby "Road" movies. So we have two whole things in common. Katie and I have built our entire world around each other, but if I can't be free to smoke and sing show tunes, well, I'm just gonna die. Oh, Mary, what ever shall I do?"
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Derek, it's your choice. You can either be a caveman (smoking, lying, cheating), or you can be a sensitive new age man (crying on the shoulder of an old lady you don't even know). You can't be both. Being both wouldn't make sense.
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
Monday, June 26, 2017
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Citizen Scottie McW rightfully accused me of abandoning ship yesterday. It was heartbreaking to be unable to post on such an historic day... So I'm reprinting yesterday's panel with Scottie's comment:
"I forgot to credit fauxprof too for noticing what an Olympian athletic achievement under pressure Esme pulled off. A full pike, half-twist, reverse grawlix. A unanimous 10 from the judges." - Scottie McV.
Of course, this left us hanging (see what I did?) for 24 hours, wondering what choices Katie might make. This morning, ta-da!
Now they're friends. And they can team up to make Derek's life utter heck.
Thursday, June 22, 2017
This seems to be more than a 'lurch.' Based on the angle of the horizon, that ship is going down.
But given the image below, how far do you think Entertainer Esme will fall? How many times do you think she'll hit something on the way down? Will she splash in the water, or splat on a lower deck? Either way, tonight's Cabaret Showcase has been canceled.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
As the star of the shipboard entertainment, Esme is probably aware of the extensive network of security cameras throughout the vessel. She knows their blind spots. She's hidden the deaths of dozens of wives. I'm starting to worry about Katie.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Moy and Brigman do it again, establishing an entirely new genre: Comic Noir. Someone is going to commit a murder! My money is on Katie, and she gets away with it, too, knowing that Derek will never turn her in. Or rather, she almost gets away with it. Unfortunately for Katie, Mary Worth is on board and her meddling senses are tingling.
Monday, June 19, 2017
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Thursday, June 15, 2017
"My roommates and I have been looking for a fourth for Spades."
So, let me see... Katie throws Derek out of their cabin and then wanders up to the designated smoking area on deck 5, port side, where she sees Derek and Entertainer Esme (and nobody else) kissing. In tears, she runs all the way back to their cabin and locks out Derek who has followed her all that way without catching her. Then Derek, with his marital relationship at risk, hikes back to the designated smoking area where Entertainer Esme is smoking another cigarette, holds her, calls her "Beauty," and uses a metaphor of doomed romance, which Entertainer Esme quickly turns sexual.
Being good looking sure comes with a lot of stupidity.
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Monday, June 12, 2017
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Saturday, June 10, 2017
Friday, June 9, 2017
"You remind me of my mother! And Mary reminds you of YOUR mother! That means Mary reminds me of my grandmother! And my grandmother taught me to smoke! In fact, she used to give me money for cigarettes. I'm going to follow the fish carpet to Mary's cabin and hang out with grandma! She understands me."
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Enjoy: 19 Good: 18 Love: 11 Nice: 7
One thing's for sure... this story is changing my opinion about smoking.
You have to understand, throughout my life, I have been a huge hater of tobacco. First, I never knew my maternal grandparents because tobacco killed them. But there were other influences in my life. My father taught high school, and his classroom posters made a big impression when I was a child: "Smoking stinks," "Don't be a butt head," and especially "Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray."
Then there was the demonstration we had in sixth grade: A health worker brought in a mannequin head and torso that was open in the back so you could see a large pickle jar full of golden blonde hair representing the dummy's lungs. A tube with a pump connected the jar to the dummy's mouth. The worker put a cigarette in the mouth and lit it. With one squeeze of the pump, all that golden blonde hair (bronchi) instantly turned black.
I worked my way through college with Dr. David P.L. Sachs at the Palo Alto Center for Pulmonary Disease Prevention and Smoking Cessation Medical Group. I answered phones. "Thank you for calling the Palo Alto Center for Pulmonary Disease Prevention and Smoking Cessation Medical Group. How may I... hello, are you still there?"
In the year 2000, I started working for World Wildlife Fund in Washington D.C. to help finish a major fundraising campaign. Shortly after I started, they wanted to honor their emeritus chairman with a huge birthday party at the American Museum of Natural History in Manhattan. I was startled to learn it was for Joseph Cullman, III, who had led Philip Morris as Chairman and CEO through the 1960's and 1970's when science knew all about the dangers of tobacco, and who was still very active in the company. This was the guy who invented the Marlboro man (or at least paid an advertising agency to invent it for him) and lied to Congress repeatedly about the health dangers of smoking.
In a planning meeting for Cullman's party, I looked at my very patient boss Rachel and said, "We all realize that this guy is the corporate equivalent of Adolph Hitler, right, with the blood of millions of people on his hands, right?" There was some foot shuffling under the desk and after the meeting Rachel told me, "You don't have to participate in the event." A few weeks later, though, it turned out that they needed a stage manager, and with my theatre background, they asked me to come anyway. Curious to see what the devil looked like, I went. Turned out he was just a silly old man who loved being praised by 300 people celebrating his birthday. He was pathetic. Also, I didn't work for WWF for very long after that.
So, clearly I hate the tobacco industry and all it stands for. And yet, last night at Walgreens, I saw a display like the one below and thought, "Those cigarette boxes are really cool. I'd love to buy a pack." Karen Moy, if I take up smoking and die of lung cancer, my family is going to sue.
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Saturday, June 3, 2017
Guys, if you're married, and you've gone out to a show, and you manage to ditch your wife to smoke cigarettes with the star, you're probably okay. But if you start singing romantic 1940's songs from Bing Crosby "Road" movies with her, you've either crossed a line, or you're gay.
Friday, June 2, 2017
Especially if your friend is a Marlboro cigarette.
I really have no idea what Derek's motives are right now. I know he's struggling with his cigarette addiction and that this cruise has completely stressed him out for some unknown reason. But, seriously, how did he end up in a secluded designated smoking area with Esme? Twice? They never talk, they just look at each other and smoke. I guess the world is different for attractive people.
Good pulls ahead, but Nice hangs in there:
Good: 18 Enjoy: 17 Love: 11 Nice: 7
Thursday, June 1, 2017
"You remember Ian? The man who was pounding on my door at 2:00 AM last year because you ran away from home until he promised to respect your clay figures and clown paintings? The man you vowed to be faithful to in sickness and in health till death do you part? You know, Ian?"
"Nope. No clue. Is he good looking?"
Good: 17 Enjoy: 17 Love: 11 Nice: 6