Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Mary Worth 2821

I'm not that bright, so it is difficult for even this strip to insult my intelligence. But when it does, I tend to get a little worked up. Why in the world would a grocery store allow someone to do this? What's their cut? It's not like they're doing it for charity, like letting the Girl Scouts sell cookies out front. It isn't like they've contracted with a temp agency to provide minimum-wage workers to hand out a chip with some salsa on it to Costco shoppers. This is about undermining sales in their bakery department. And it makes no logical sense.

Usually, I can make it to about June before I invoke my first logical fallacy penalty, but this year I'm calling it in early.

Monday, February 19, 2018

Mary Worth 2820

Hey, here's something else they have in common! They both hold their expensive cell phones in that impossibly awkward and risky way. It's meant to be!

Friday, February 16, 2018

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Mary Worth 2817

Yes, Ted Miller is quite a character. It's his definining character trait.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Mary Worth 2816

In panel one, it is clear that Mary is uncomfortable with Ted's lingering hug. In panel two, however, it's "boys will be boys." Plus, Mary looks like she's ready for a nap instead of a furious phone call to her boyfriend Dr. Jeff Cory, M.D.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Mary Worth 2815

You mean this isn't a story about starting a muffin company? What a shock.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Mary Worth 2814

"Okay. How much cash will I have to risk? How much cash will you be investing? What is your personal debt load? What is your personal credit rating? What is the level of success for new food products? What is the level of success for new food distribution companies? How many initial employees will we need to hire? What equipment will we need to purchase? Where will our production kitchen be located? Will we outsource our human resource department, or manage it in-house? Internet sales? Have you ever managed a company before? Have you ever started a company before? What licenses will be required to sell food to the public? These, of course, are just off the top of my head. I'll have hundreds of more questions when I call you. I'll talk to you later."

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Mary Worth 2813

Gee, Mary, maybe you could ask Google. But why don't you invest thousands of dollars and countless hours first. It really is the best way to find out.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Mary Worth 2811

Boy, I wish someone like Ted had taken me aside and told me about the perils of fame before I started this blog. Fame is arguably the biggest burden of blogging about Mary Worth as you can imagine. People interrupting my dinner at restaurants to tell me how awesome I am, flirty emails from readers, constant telephone calls from the media... The real danger is that I let it go to my head. Fortunately, I'm so humble that I can handle it.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Mary Worth 2810

"What am I really afraid of? Well, my tummy brain is telling me not to give you my money."

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Mary Worth 2809

Ted's door approach seems a little pushy. What was he selling in his former sales career? Magazines?

The reason I ask is that back when Mrs. Wanders and I were first married, she was in our apartment when two guys in their late teens or twenties knocked on the door. When she answered, the bigger of the two guys explained that they were selling magazines. He asked, "Are you a model?" perhaps to interest her in a fashion magazine. Then he asked, "Is that your Porsche in the parking lot?" perhaps to interest her in an automotive magazine. She said she wasn't interested and they desperately explained that if they could sell just two more subscriptions, they'd earn a trip to Disney World, perhaps because they knew she wanted them to be that far away. She finally got rid of them and a few minutes later I came home. She told me about the encounter, and I went back in the hallway and found them on the floor below knocking on doors. I said, "Hey! What do you mean coming around here asking my wife if she's a model?" At that point, the little guy ran out of the building, and the bigger guy started to say something, but he only got four words in before I started walking toward him, "There is no soliciting in this building." He left, too.

To this day, my wife cringes every time I ask her if she's a model, or it that's her Porsche in the driveway. Which I do a lot.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Mary Worth 2808

"I've already made 12! If we sell them for $200,000 each, we'll be rich!"

Friday, February 2, 2018

Mary Worth 2807

The money Paul Newman made selling salad dressing was attractive because he gave it all to charity, dimwit. Also, it wasn't just his money that was attractive. His steel blue eyes and smirky good looks made him box office gold even after his death in 2008. Putting Mary's face on the polypropylene wrapper of a moldering muffin isn't going to do much good in the world, no matter who draws her, or who profanes her name.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Mary Worth 2805

Don't dismiss it too quickly. Muffin World is a magical place, where everyone is happy all the time, flower fairies roam freely, and everybody's head is shaped like a muffin. You'd be very happy there, Mary.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Mary Worth 2804

I once got a sliver under my fingernail. I used to think that was irritating.

Monday, January 29, 2018

Mary Worth 2803

But seriously, Ted. You're a salesman. Do you have any experience in the food distribution industry? Any at all?

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Mary Worth 2802

Last night, I dreamt I was Frank Zappa, and I was performing solo in my elementary school cafeteria. I was disappointed that only about 40 children showed up, sitting on the floor as I told sardonic jokes from the stage. A few of the children asked their teacher if they could leave, and I knew I was bombing. But I had one last trick up my sleeve. I grabbed my guitar and was going to play my greatest guitar solo of all time: The Muffin Man. But as I started to play, it was like I really didn't know how to play the guitar at all. It was like I wasn't really Frank Zappa. I was humiliated in front of the remaining children who stared at me bored. I left the stage, only to remember my glory days:

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Mary Worth 2801

I don't think Wilbur will like the idea of having to pay for his muffins! He's a little short on cash these days.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Mary Worth 2800

"If you make one million muffins, and I sell them for $1.49 each... well, you do the math!"

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Mary Worth 2799

Soon, Mary's (Personally Developed) Magical Muffins™ will appear wrapped up in polypropylene in 7-Eleven's and Sunoco A-Plus marts all across California and the Pacific Northwest. The Sunshine State is about to get a whole lot sunnier.

Congratulations to Nance for yesterday's haiku title, which referenced the "pink path of high-stakes baking." Now we know that the entire Weston Muffin Love Fest was all just a set up for the real story about Mary's junkfood empire.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Mary Worth 2797

As Mary and Ted greet each other with the Secret Meddling Society handshake, they already understand one another better than Jeff Cory ever will.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Mary Worth 2796

Ted Miller sounds like quite a character! In fact, he sounds like two characters. I'm thinking of Ted Confey, and Adam Miller. I'm wondering if there's a relation, or if the NameCranker 2000 just has a very limited data source.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Mary Worth 2795

This is what I love about Wilbur Weston. He can spend an entire year, traveling the globe and spending time with the victims of natural disasters, writing intimately about their experiences, thoughts, and feelings. He can lose the woman he loves to a 22-year-old millionaire, get scammed out of $30,000 by a salsa dancing bombshell, and spend hours eating muffins with Mary Worth... and not learn a single thing.

But at least the ending is "beautiful."

Friday, January 19, 2018

Mary Worth 2794

I'm also not going to think about pink elephants... dang, I just thought of a pink elephant! Every time I try not to think of Iris or pink elephants, I think of Iris and pink elephants!

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Mary Worth 2793

Really, there isn't much more that I can say to add to the humor of Wilbur's self-delusion. Sure, Wilbur. Your daughter needs you, so you take off for a year while she dates her art history professor and her married boss. Stellar.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Mary Worth 2792

That's an excellent goal, Wilbur. Giving up on love really suits you. You just seem so much happier!

Monday, January 15, 2018

Mary Worth 2791

"Whatever, Dad. I don't get the reference."

"It's just a little joke about the woman who stole 30 grand from me."

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Mary Worth 2790

Dawn, the 'e' in email stands for electronic, not ether. The ethers have never been a very reliable delivery system, which explains why Wilbur never heard from you.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Mary Worth 2789

It looks like Wilbur will have some survivor stories to write about right in his very own community. Thoughts, prayers, and donations to everyone struggling in Santa Barbara County and elsewhere.

A friend of a friend...

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Mary Worth 2787

"Muffins! Dad, I haven't had muffins since I broke up with my married boss!"

Judging by the look in Dawn's eyes, I'm starting to wonder if the muffins are Mary's mind-control drug of choice. Just the perfect "recipe" for solving everybody's problems. Heaven knows it isn't her advice that makes them happy.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Mary Worth 2786

Although Wilbur hasn't uttered a word of agreement with Mary, he walks away consoled, knowing a bag full of warm muffins will do more good for his emotional state than three hours of therapy with Mary Worth. "Take these muffins home, Wilbur. Dawn already knows how to bury her feelings in a good muffin."

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Mary Worth 2785

And now he has a muffin. What more could he want? Oh, yeah, Iris and the 85 million pesos he spent on a ring in Colombia.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Mary Worth 2784

So to sum up...

Wilbur is doomed to live without

But he has lots of...

So he should go make a sandwich...

Friday, January 5, 2018

Mary Worth 2783

"You've traveled all over the world (alone), and spoken to survivors of horrific disasters. At least your girlfriend didn't die. She only broke up with you and hooked up with a 22-year-old millionaire while you were out of town. That's much better."

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Mary Worth 2782

There's no 'maybe' about it. You of all people should be much more certain than that.

Meanwhile, here in the Northeast, my snow blower won't start. That's my day. Everyone stay warm.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

The Tenth Annual Worthy Awards

The Charterstone Condo Board welcomes you to the Tenth Annual Worthy Awards! Brought to you by Norwegian Cruise Lines. See the world on a Norwegian Cruise. "Our fish point toward the front of the ship."




And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the show! Please stop mamboing and take your seats.

Before we get started, here is perhaps the most charming opening number we've ever had, featuring several of our Charterstone residents:


Keeping things on an upbeat note, each year we take a moment to award the Aldo Kelrast Worthy Award to a character who died during the year. It's our little way of saying, Thank you.

Unfortunately, this year the Worthiverse was very light on death. Several near misses, but not a whole lot to choose from. But then, Wilbur Weston's self respect took a complete kamikaze dive into the Bogota sea. This year's Aldo Kelrast award goes to Wilbur's self respect. Mr. Weston, please pass along our congratulations should you ever find it again. And could you please send us a photo of your legs?



Who wants to see some winners?? It's time to award the Worthy Award for the Best Performance by a Guest Character!

The nominees are:


Entertainer Esme in "Ginger vs. Mary Ann"

 Fabiana in "But there are no beaches in Bogota"

 Medical Assistant Jared in "For the Love of Bagels"

Torn in "Ask Wendy Again"


And the Worthy Award for Outstanding Performance by a Guest Character goes to: 

 Entertainer Esme!

She may have lost her man, but she won something even better! Congratulations to Entertainer Esme.

Our next category is:

OUTSTANDING STUNT

The nominees are:

 Derek Hoosier: Katie! Stand Back!

 Entertainer Esme: Nooooo!

 Medical Assistant Jared: AUGGH!

 Fabiana: You'll need a drink to do this!

Smoker: Tiny puffs of smoke

And the Worthy Award for Outstanding Stunt goes to:

Entertainer Esme!

This is Entertainer Esme's second Worthy Award. She also won this year's Outstanding Guest Character. In case you forgot.



Next we have:

OUTSTANDING COSTUME

The nominees are:

Dawn Weston: Tommy's Not the Only One Who Found Religion

Entertainer Esme: That Dress

Fabiana: Leopard Skin Perfection

Toby Cameron: Leapord Skin Wanna Be

And the Worthy goest to:

Toby Cameron

I'm really not sure how many Worthy Awards Toby has won over the years, but probably not very many! Congratulations, Toby!



Our next category is:

2017 BOLDFACE HAIKU OF THE YEAR

This new category is thanks to Santa Royale Citizen Nance, who composed short poems using the bolded words of each day's strip.

The nominees are:

"In International Waters, People Start Talking Like The Hulk"

Gorgeous hunk? Have!
Is passenger! Know off-limits!
Me--challenge. Want!
Can. Should!



"In Which You Can Either Read This As A Metaphysical Treatise On Adulting Or The Alternative Lyrics To Whip It By Devo"

Work grind!
That...like. Change pace!
Wrong! Like! Vibe this!

"Meaningless Blather From Blabbing Blondes" or "If The Patty Duke Show Theme Song Were A Boldface Haiku"

Switch? I'm you!
Yeah! Here! You me!
Thanks!


"Thanks To Zak And All Bran, Things Are Moving On"

Sorry, moved on...you.
Not! That's!
Too late. Friends...


"If A Tree Falls In The Irony Forest And Only An Oblivious Pot Is There To Hear It, Is The Kettle Still Black?"

New boyfriend...
Strange!
Why? Attractive couple, happy.
Don't know. Younger!

This year's Boldface Haiku winner is:

"Thanks To Zak And All Bran, Things Are Moving On"

Sorry, moved on...you.
Not! That's!
Too late. Friends...

And of course, the real winner is all of us, thanks to Nance!


Our next category of nominees is:

2017's OUTSTANDING FLOATING HEAD

The nominees are:

 Dr. Ned Fletcher

 Tommy Beedie

 Wilbur Weston

 Wilbur Weston

 Wilbur Weston


And the winner is...

Wilbur Weston

Congratulations to Wilbur Weston, who is no stranger to Worthy wins. His three floating head appearances really split the vote, but ... wait a minute... What's all that commotion in the back of the theater... Sir, please take your seat... Security... Security... You can't come up on the stage, sir... Hey, everybody! It's...

... it's 22-year-old Chris Hemsworth! What a great honor to have you here. To what do we owe the pleasure?

22-year-old Chris Hemsworth: G'day mate. I'm here to say how completely devo I am about this year's awards. Everybody knows I played Zak, and I think my performance was bonzer. But I was completely ignored by the Condo Board. The worst blow of all was to appear in a floating head next to Wilbur and to be completely ignored. I'm only 22, and can't even grow a beard, but I'm still totally hot and old women want to take me home, but the Condo Board completely ignored me. I'm here to protest the entire process and -- I'm sorry, I don't mean to cry -- but I haven't been this devestated since Iris broke up with Zak. I've got heaps of money now, too, and I think I really deserve this.

Twenty-two-year-old Chris Hemsworth everybody! Okay, take your seat. I forgot how young 22 really is. Seriously, take your seat. I don't want to ask again. Security, get this kid out of here. Get him a Kleenex, too, to wipe away his tears.

Sorry, folks. That was pathetic. Let's get on with the show, and everyone, please, just try to enjoy yourself.

Our next category of nominees is:

2017's OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE BY A RECURRING CHARACTER

The nominees are:


 Mary Worth

 Dawn Weston

Iris Beedie

Wilbur Weston

And the Worthy goes to:


Wilbur Weston

This is Wilbur Weston's 3,000 Worthy Award - it seems like.

Our next category of nominees is perhaps the most eagerly anticipated category all year long:

2017's OUTSTANDING PANEL OF THE YEAR!

The nominees are:

 AAAUGH!

Bogota Beach

Star Wars

Riding Horses

And the winner is:

Bogota Beach

Thank you, thank you, June Brigman, for all of your contributions to this strip. It just keeps getting better and better!

Our next category is:

2017's STORY OF THE YEAR!

The nominees are:


 The Hoosiers are Cruisers

 Han Solo and Luke Skywalker Can't Both Love Princess Leia

 Ask Wendy

Iris Loves a Poor Man

Iris Loves a Rich Man

Bogota Blues

And now, the Outstanding Story of 2017:

 The Hoosiers are Cruisers!

Well, that just about wraps up another wonderful year of outstanding quality and family values in the comic section of a few remaining local newspapers.

I want to thank Karen Moy and June Brigman for keeping it fun, and everyone who voted! Thousands of votes were cast.

I have enjoyed your comments throughout the years, and your donations have been especially appreciated! If you didn't buy a ticket to this year's Worthies, it isn't too late to make a contribution.

 Happy 2018 to everyone! God bless!