Monday, January 14, 2013

Mary Worth 1,507

Mary really has her heart set on first prize. It's as if she's been "prepping" her entire life for this moment. But she may be surprised to learn that the competitive cake designing community is a very broad based, devoted and supportive community. I've been doing some online browsing of cake competitions and forums, and I've learned two things: One, Cake decorators aren't out to "win." They're out to design really cool cakes, and to support one another; and two, team entries are rarely allowed!

But go team Dillworth!

Today's Full Strip


fauxprof said...

Talk about prepared! Mary arrives with two shopping bags full of kelk. As for John Dill, could he look any creepier than in panel two? Uncle Joe has taken to drawing him as one of Batman's wierder mad-scientist foes. Do we really want to see the designs he's come up with?

Nance said...

Probably that's Mary's computer and monitor in those two bags. She wants to be able to pontificate as she preps.

Doodle Bean said...
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Doodle Bean said...

Great research, Wanders! This is what we pay the big bucks for!

I wonder if whatisname, the artist, is going to violate someone's copyright for this amazing cake design....

Naw, he probably doesn't know how to google!

meg said...

KSRY proudly presents the Greater Santa Royale Cake Design Extravaganza, featuring Bob Costas, Anderson Cooper, Wayne Newton, and the finest cake designers competing for cash and prizes.

Bob Costas: Good afternoon, cake design fans! We're here at the vast Santa Royale Arena where the Santa Royale Kickers play arena soccer. But today's festivities are very different- and equally exciting. We have Anderson Cooper here,too; he's just been out on the arena floor scoping out what's happening. Anderson, there's a huge crowd here; did you know that cake design was so popular?

Anderson Cooper: Actually Bob, some of the attendees are dog lovers here for the Corgi Bark, Snarl, and Bite Competition* which will happen immediately after the cake design finals (*foreshadowing).

BC: Anderson, this year's cake design theme is "Famous Maritime Disasters." What have you seen out there- anything surprising?

AC: As a matter of fact, Bob, there are some wild and crazy cakes out there. Of course, there are the standard disasters represented- the Titanic, Lusitania, Edmund Fitzgerald, Sloop John B, SS Minnow...but there's also the Lily Maid of Astolat, the Three Stooges in a overturned rowboat...

BC: What? I'm as big a Stooge fan as there is, but I never remember seeing that one!

AC: Actually, it was the final one they made. Some of the cakes have motion, lights, and sound. I saw one very peculiar one. Queen Elizabeth II was making her way on board the royal yacht when she fell off the gangway into the sea, and Prince Charles was standing by singing 'God Saves the Queen'.

BC: That's an odd one, all right. Anything else notable?

AC: I noticed a lot of contestants wearing bracelets with WWCBD.

BC: ?

AC: It means "What Would Cake Boss Do?" Apparently there will be musical acts before the judging begins; in fact, they're starting now.

BC: And the Santa Royale Senior Citizens Vuvuzela marching band enters the arena, playing a medley of cake-themed songs- let's listen.

I know it's only cake design, but I like it, yes I do....

I am the cakeman goo goo g'joob....

He's the Cakepan Wizard
Got crazy spatula fingers,
Never seen 'em shake,
That ex-hotel manager
Sure bakes a mean pound cake....

If you liked it, you shoulda put i-cing on it.

Knock three times on the cakepan when you bake it;
hit it once more, it'll fall on the floor...

BC: That was just ever see anything like it, Anderson?

AC: (giggles nervously)

meg said...
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meg said...

BC: Looks like the competition is getting started. Who are the judges?

AC: Martha Stewed, Anthony Bored, and Bobby Flayed.

BC: Apparently they've already narrowed it down to the four finalists, and they'll be introduced momentarily.

Theme from Rocky plays.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, please direct your attention to the corners of the arena. Entering from the Southwest corner, Mary Worth, busybody extraordinaire, from the Charterstone Complex! Give it up for Miss Mary!

Mary Worth jogs to the center, wearing a mauve pantsuit with Mary Worth embroidered in gold on the back, waving with both hands.

Announcer: Entering from the Northeast corner, Dawn Weston, hospital volunteer and student, also from the Charterstone Complex! Let's hear it for Dawn!

Dawn skulks to the center, wearing a lavender pantsuit, also with Mary Worth embroidered in silver on the back. She looks around warily.

Announcer: Entering from the Southeast corner, Toby Weston, housewife and clown painter, and can you believe this- she's also from Charterstone? Go, Toby!

Toby walks sinuously to the center, wearing a short red romper suit and high-heeled sandals.

BC: My gosh, what a beautiful woman! She's so lovely, and she's married to a professor, so all you Santa Royale boys, if you want to get a beautiful girlfriend, better study up to be a professor.

AC: (giggles nervously). Bob, simmer down, don't act like Musburger.

Announcer: And entering from the Northwest corner, the final finalist, John Dill, a retired hotel manager from....CHARTERSTONE! Must be something in the water there.

Crowd: Johnnnn Diiiilll, clap clap clap, Johnnn Diiilll, clap clap clap!

John Dill strides imperiously to the center, wearing a white terry bathrobe with "Stolen from Quaint and Lovely Hotel" on the back. His face is impassive, yet radiant. He knows this is his moment.


meg said...
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meg said...

BC: The judges are conferring, writing on cards, which they're handing to Wayne Newton. Each cake will be shown on the Jumbotron and described by their designers.

Mary's cake is shown first. It is a large sheet cake frosted with blue waves, and a cabin cruiser on the top. Small figures are leaning over the sides, white frosting falling from their mouths.

Mary: My cake represents that time we ate some bad clams at the BumBoat before going on Jeff's cigarette boat.

AC: (giggles nervously)

Next is Dawn's cake. It is a rather amazing sight: one end represents Moses parting the Red Sea, followed by the Israelites. The other end represents the Egyptian army being swallowed by the Sea.

BC: !!!

Then it's time for Toby's cake, entitled The Drowning of the Clowns. There is a tiny boat on the deep blue sea, and dozens of clowns are falling overboard. There are red rubber noses, giant clown shoes, orange wigs, and polka-dotted clown suits floating and bobbing on the surface.

BC: (sotto voce, to Anderson): please, Andy, shoot me now.

And the final finalist, John Dill, strides forward with great determination and purpose.

John: My cake represents the sinking of the Unita del Mare. You'll notice the mimes diving overboard, a small child crying for her mother, and a portly man being rescued by the Italian Search and Rescue. Through the windows of the principal dining room, you can see the remains of the swordfish the fat man never got a chance to eat. Through the windows of the bridge, you will see the bearded captain with a shocked and angry grimace on his face... and so on and so on, and blah blah blah.

For just a moment, the arena was silent. And then, a mighty roar of approval.

Wayne Newton: Third runner up: Mary Worth for "Bad Clams at the BumBoat"

Mary: This is an outrage! I'll have your job for this, Newton! !@#$%^&! John Dill, you'll be sorry!

BC: Where's arena security? Oh, there they are! OOOH, they shouldn't have tased that old lady!

Security escorts Mary from the arena as she continues to swear, struggle,and shout imprecations at John Dill.

Wayne Newton: Second runner up: Toby Cameron for "Drowning of the Clowns"
Toby pretends to pout, and flirts with Wayne Newton.

First runner up, who will serve if the winner is unable to continue: Dawn Weston, for "Lego Moses and the Red Sea: Lego my people, Pharoah".
Dawn leaves in a snit and is never seen again in Santa Royale.

And the winner of the competition is John Dill, for "Unita del Mare: *&^%$! I didn't see it!"

John Dill steps proudly to the microphone, but then, suddenly, chaos!

BC: What's happening, Anderson?

AC: It's the dogs! They're on the arena floor! They're heading for the tables full of cakes! They're eating the cakes! They're biting the contestants! Oh, no, I can't believe it! This is the greatest thing that ever happened!

BC: Simmer down, Andy. You sound like Bart Simpson.
And that's it, ladies and gentlemen. Another fine event from the Santa Royale Arena.
Stay tuned for the Corgi competition, hosted by Brent Musburger-oh, how the mighty have fallen. Good night, everyone.

heydave said...

Oh meg, I just 'heart' that story!

You have subsumed my snark for the day; thank you, thank you!

r u ok? said...

History question - has Mary entered into any contests before?

meg said...

Thanks, heydave- it's just something I do during my spare time working third shift as an air traffic controller at JFK.
meg(giggles nervously)

KitKat said...

@meg, I am awed at the humor and breadth of your scenario (Brent Musberger AND the Unita del Mare - wowee!). Take a bow!

Envisioning Mary being tased gives me immense satisfaction.

KitKat said...

Wanders, I noticed this in the official rules for the Big E contest (thanks for the research, by the way): "No dummies may be used for sculpted cakes." I suppose the Santa Royale competition doesn't have that rule - it would exclude too many dumb SR contestants.

Anonymous said...

Meg, thank you for the excellent play-by-play on the cake contest. It will save me a lot of time over the next several weeks by not having to read the strip.

Anonymous said...

Mary and John looks like they're about to unleash ultimate villainy on Santa Royale.

kathyo said...

"I'm glad you're here. I'm starting to get nervous." What are they planning to do, cook drugs or something? I thought it was just baking a cake.

kathyo said...

And why does Mary wear a coat and carry a purse just to go over to her neighbor's condo in the same complex?

Carlye said...

kathyo - she's got to have her purse! Where else will she keep her taser? What if John Dill gets frisky?

(Oh, please, please, let it happen...)

Dave in Parma said...

John Dill shows Mary the cake design, and as his maniacal, evil cackle subsides, Mary speaks:

"There's you, there's Giorgio... What's with the midget over here? You can't make a cake with living props!"

Mary said...

The Big E!

I grew up in Western Massachusetts, and believe you me, the Big E was a big deal in my childhood. Thanks, Wanders.

The other big event was the World Kielbasa Festival, but I don't think it exists anymore.

Anonymous said...

Oh Joy, Oh Rapture! I am so excited to show you my cake design. It's my best design ever. It's got a round lower layer and a smaller round upper layer. It has pink frosting. I really think I can do this.

Allen said...

After seeing John's menacing look, Pinky and the Brain immediately popped into my head.

Mary: "Gee John, what do you wanna do tonight?"

John Dill: "The same thing we do every night Mary... try to take over Santa Royale!"

They're Mary and John Dill
They're Mary and John Dill
One is a meddler, the others inane
They'll intrude in your life
With irritating tripe
They're Mary, they're Mary and John Dill, Dill, Dill, Dill

Inkwell said...

On the other hand, Food Network has big baking competitions that usually have teams of MORE than two people. So it's not unheard of.

I never really thought the day would come when I defended Mary Worth on the internet.

phoebes in santa fe said...

meg, that was delightful.