Friday, September 11, 2015

Mary Worth 2140

"Yes, I know how sensitive you are. Every payday, you blow up when Ian tells you he got paid. If Ian says, 'I'm off to work. See you tonight,' you rush over here begging for alcohol. And at night, when he says, 'Honey, I'm home,' the entire building can hear you screaming, 'Stop rubbing it in my face! I know! You work!'"


The condo board wishes to thank Toots McGee for recommending Sh-Boom by the Crew Cuts for the Charterstone Jukebox, and congratulates him once again for winning our most recent Not-A-Real-Contest contest.

Today's full strip


limber Joe said...

In panel one, the part of Toby will played by Ann Coulter.

Delilah said...

Hee! You’re spot on, limber Joe!

KitKat said...

Toby and Ian seldom argue, yet Toby has trigger points? Sounds like a lot of pent-up anger building up in Toby. Maybe we're heading for a gender-bending update of The Honeymooners, with Toby channeling Ralph Kramden: "To the moon, Ian!!!"

Observe Mary's frowny face of disapproval in the second panel. "I did notice, but unlike you, with your vicious, uber-judgmental, hair-trigger temper, I figured he had a good excuse...." And, is that steam emanating from Mary's glass? Maybe it's not milk after all.

Chester the Dog said...

Mary's table lamp is also named Mary.

Chester the Dog said...

Hold it! Was Mary at the gallery opening? Why didn't Toby talk to her then?

fauxprof said...

Mary: Toby, dear, there are factors to consider on both sides. You have forgotten that your main obligation as a trophy wife is to be ornamental, bolstering Ian's image as a man of ...ahem...prowess. On the other hand, Ian has not kept you as befits a trophy wife. No mansion, just a cheap condo, no servants, no Mercedes, no jewels. True, as an unpublished English professor at a low ranked community college, he had no business acquiring a trophy wife. By the way, I hear Food Team is hiring.

KitKat said...

@fauxprof at 10:54 a.m., I expect Toby would reply, "Mary, I am an artiste! Artistes do not involve themselves with something as crass as money! No self-respecting artiste would work at Food Team!"

How about this scenario: Hilton Berkes agrees to hire Toby as an adjunct professor of art at the University of Santa Royale Community College in exchange for Ian promising to burn his AstroTurf sport coat. Toby acquires status and a salary (minimal, no benefits, no parking pass), Hilton never has to see Ian's garish jacket at his lectures, and Ian gets to go shopping at Maisie's (in the Portly Boorish Guys' department).

Yahoonski said...

Mary looks more haggard with each panel as the stress of having Toby move in begins to weigh upon her. Indeed in P2, the blood has begun to drain from her extremities leaving her thumb pale and numb. She is perhaps trying to goad Toby into leaving by coming up with excuses for Ian's loutish behavior. Wouldst there were a third panel today in which Toby snarls "Who the %$#@'s side are you on anyway?"

BTW, only in her dreams does Ann Coulter look as good as Toby in P1, the blue whale striations on her upper right arm notwithstanding.

Petunia said...

Is that a floating hand in panel 2? Are we moving on from floating heads?

meg said...

Santa Royale CC Homecoming Events:

Friday evening at the triangle (SRCC is not prestigious enough to have a quad):

The Burnin' o' the Green -(newly-tenured) Professor Ian Cameron will cast his beloved AstroTurf (registered trademark Monsanto) jacket into the bonfire, pursuant to a sworn agreement with College Director Hilton Berkes.

Protesting students: "Hey, ho, Hoot, toot, please, Professor, don't pollute! Greenhouse gases our concerns, when your chemical jacket burns!"

Professor Cameron: "Shut up, you damn dirty stinking hippies! Ian Cameron's coat is made of the finest naturally-grown Scottish moss, transplanted from the shores of Loch Ness."

He lowers his head and advances on the protestors with a loud roar: "Scotland Foreverrr! I'll kill ye all!"
Suddenly Mrs. Cameron (Toby) emerges from the crowd, glowing and radiant in a white maternity dress.

(This is not the beginning of the end, but perhaps the end of the beginning.)

meg said...

Thanks for the inspiration, KitKat. Or perhaps, the blame for the above post rests with KitKat.

Captain Obvious said...

None of this would have happened if it weren't for that homewrecker Hilton Berkes flaunting his sophisticated aura at poor, helpless, one coat Ian.

Anonymous said...

Just who are these people?? I recognize the hair, but the faces are unfamiliar to me. They look so scary. Have I developed prosopagnosia?? And what is that orange thing behind Faux-Mary? It looks like an angry orange, puckering up to stick his tongue out.

Dawn Weston's Evil Twin said...

"There, there, dear. Let's just put the trigger (and the gun!) away. We'll rip Ian to shreds verbally. That's so much more fun!"

Wait ... Mary was at the gallery opening? How come we missed out on that? That would've been awesome! I can just imagine all the passive-aggressive comments that Mary made about Toby's "sculptures" ... and the comments would have gone right over Toby's head! What a missed opportunity for us!

Gina said...

You guys, the "Mary Worthless" sketch was just on the Carol Burnett Show. That was even better than I thought it was going to be!! :-)

Dawn Weston's Evil Twin said...

"There, there, dear. Tell me all your troubles so that I can dismiss them as trivial and inspire you to a fit of fiery rage."

Need a Life said...

The entire Ian statement:
"You'd realize I'm the main breadwinner in our relationship!
What I do for work, I do for the both of us!"

If he was going to throw it in Toby's face, it could have included comments about Toby's relative lesser contribution. And possibly about her potential to contribute.

Despite their low-cost lifestyle (no mortgage, no kids) Ian can only afford one jacket. , In most no-children couples, both partners work.

Toby could be deflecting anger from something else (a tepid review of her artwork at the gallery show?) or is just angry that she picked the wrong sugar-daddy.

Good luck playing the field - to either of them.

The grass is not greener on the other side of Ian's coat.

fauxprof said...

In Saturday's panels, Toby does begin to resemble Ann Coulter...or perhaps Nancy Grace. Those two seem to be the prototypes for scary/angry blonde women.

Dawn Weston's Evil Twin said...

"There, there, dear. You're welcome to sleep in my bathtub. It'll be more comfortable than this gigantic couch. I'll be sure to fix the dripping faucet one of these days ..."

True Standish said...

I dig the thought bubble in the last panel! Mary is such a faker. She really wants Toby to leave.