Monday, May 14, 2018

Mary Worth 2884

Based on their word balloons, it looks like Mary is now sitting on the passenger side of the car. Which explains why the car has swerved into oncoming traffic.


Martin said...

All this time, Santa Royale has been somewhere in the UK, maybe Ireland. Stupid me, thinking it was in California!

meg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nance said...

Today's Boldface Haiku is titled

"Playing The Part Of Tony Robbins Will Be Mary Worth".

Really? This?
Especially. All right.

meg said...

After escaping from Mary at Lookout Point (Oh, Mary, I just remembered I have to go home and feed my ferret, bye!), Wilbur feels somewhat relieved. At least I’m no longer drunk and hanging out with a bossy old woman, he thinks.

He heads out to Food Team and Liquor Team to restock his pantry.
As he leaves the store, he sees a notice on the bulletin board: Meetings, every night at 7PM, community room at Charterstone, SPFA. Wilbur thinks, maybe I’ll give it a try.

7PM. “Will the Self-Pitying Fools Anonymous meeting please come to order. We will begin with the introduction of new members. You, sir, in the third row, the portly, unshaven, slovenly attired gentleman: No, the other one, the man in the olive green tee shirt.”

“Hullo, my name is Wilbur, and I’m a self-pitying fool.”


“It has been two days since I last pitied myself. First I encountered my old girlfriend with her handsome young lover. Then my radio broke. Then a nosy old lady tried to get all into my face.”


“You, sir, in the Astroturf blazer and the white chin beard:”

“Mah name is assistant associate adjunct perfessor Ian, and Ah am a self-pitying fool. “


“Ah last pitied myself thes morn when Ah heard my ex-wife won the Powerball, an’ when Ah read ‘at Hilton Berkes was appointed head ay th’ Heavily Accented English Department. ‘At job should have bin mine!”


“Now, you, the lady in the third row with the drab gray hair and the defeated posture.”

“My name is Hanna, and I’m a self-pitying fool.”

“hi, hanna...”

“I last pitied myself this morning, and, frankly, every day of my life before that. This morning, my ‘charming’ husband refused to put his teeth in, and I had to cut his bacon up for him. Just as he settled into his ugly avocado green vinyl Laz-Y-Boy recliner, my teenaged grandson Gordie showed up demanding money for cigarettes, and, by gosh, I wanted to slap that puerile smile right off his pimpled, lumpen face.”


“Now, you, sir, the well-dressed young man who just walked in.”

“My name is (twinkle, wink, smile) Zak, and I’m a self confident young stud. I last felt self confident this morning when I drove my new Maserati, and I felt young when I saw myself in the mirror, and I felt like a
stud when I kissed my beautiful blonde girlfriend.”

“Dead silence”

“Zak, I think you’re looking for the room next door where the SCYS group meets. This is the SPFA group.”

“Thanks, man, I should have realized that when I looked around. Oh, hi, Wilbur; Iris says to say hello.”


fauxprof said...

Between Nance and meg, I can only stand in awe of their snarky brilliance. Kudos, ladies!

Anonymous said...

It shouldn't be any surprise that the creator of telephone-holding hand contortionism can't tell the difference between a car's front end and rear end.

Man, does anybody involved in publishing this strip pay any attention at all to real life?

-- Scottie McW.

LouiseF said...

Of course Mary's "glad" to be Wilbur's friend. His woes give her a Purpose For Meddling (PFM).You'll notice she didn't says she was PROUD or HAPPY to be his friend....

TimP said...

"I'm tempted to believe it!"

I am going to have to give Mary a low mark on this particular instance of re-meddle-ation. If she doesn't start pumping him full of Mary Muffins stat, he may relapse into singing Country & Western tunes in the shower.

Regina Wolfe-Parks said...

Meg you hit a home run as usual!

Sandi Ego said...

I can't wait for this story to end. A few days ago the singer of one of my favorite bands committed suicide by drowning. He'd battled depression for years as was clearly evident in his song lyrics. Scott Hutchison of Frightened Rabbit was 36, at the prime of his life and creative career. So the Wilbur story just annoys me mightily at this point.
The only saving grace here is the comments, especially Meg's today. Thanks for the laugh! Mary Worth without this blog would be impossible for me.

LouiseF said...

Since Mary seems incapable of involving any assistance beyond herself, I'm doubtful that she will drive Wilbur to the psych. emergency room as she should. Unless, maybe she has a closet degree in psychology and is secretly making a pile of money submitting her neighbor's problems for billing to their insurance companies...

KitKat said...

After reading Wanders’s post and all the comments, I can’t think of a thing to add. Except a firm wish that the rest of this week is not Mary driving Wilbur back to Charterstone - bleah.

Kudos to @meg! Professor Chinbeard has been MIA way too long! And I can’t recall if June ever drew a pool party. Enough with the Westons - a big change is needed.

Nance said...

@fauxprof--Thank you. I'll take Snarky Brilliance as the highest of Compliments.

r u ok? said...

All that Mary has to do in the Worthiverse is to drive Wilbur to the animal shelter and let Wilbur rescue a dog - problem solved.

Garnet said...

What does she mean by "especially after this?" His coping mechanism for his shower radio breaking and his adult daughter going away for three months was to get wasted, go for a drive, and get even more wasted at the top of a cliff. That is not the sign of someone who is going to be okay.

meg said...

Thanks for the kind words, but I don’t see how Nance does it day after day, delivering the very finest of haiku snark.

Regina Wolfe-Parks said...

My question is what about Wilbur’s car? If Mary’s driving Wilbur, how is he going to get his car. My hope is it gets towed, adding to the litany of troubles.

cobrasteve said...

alt end...wrong way mary and aldildo hit head pun intended

Johnny Culver said...

Where is Wilburs car?

Nance said...

@meg--You're too kind. Thank you so much!