Friday, June 12, 2009

Local University Welcomes You!

Dear applicant,

Thank you for considering Local University. We think that you will be pleased with what we have to offer. Our professors are some of the best mid-level academics in the county. And we offer several outstanding degrees:

1) Doctoring. Our excellent three-and-a-half-year medical program will prepare you for an exciting career as a doctor at a hospital where sick people go.

2) Professor. Teach pedagogy or philosophy. Or something else. Be a university professor at Local U. Why leave?

3) Art. We'll teach you to draw all kinds of things. And if you can't get a job as an artist, you can still be an art professor here at Local U.

4) Graphic Design. This is a really exciting program that is sort of like art.

5) Newspaper writing. Write for a newspaper using a chic pseudonym. Men can even pretend to be women. Or take pictures for the newspaper and destroy people's so-called relationships.

6) Town Councilman. We'll show you how to bypass the democratic process to get appointed to the choicest seats of power.

7) Ice Skater. You'll learn to keep it tight.

These are just a few of the eight rigorous academic programs available at Local U. But if you think of any others, please let us know and we'll be happy to add them.


Martin Dean
Dean of Academics
Local University, Santa Royale

P.S., Send us some money. We're going to build a building.


Prof. Confey said...

8) Con artist. Learn the skills necessary to pull of the long con. Even if it blows up at the end, you still keep the $50,000.

Chester said...

9) Tiling Specalist.

What the heck is going on in todays strip? All these young men posing and holding bottles? Looks like the International Male catalog is doing a photo shoot at the pool party.

Unknown said...

10) Fashion design, with an emphasis in swordfish and palm trees.

Vicki said...

11) Advanced Surveillance Techniques: Hospital and Restaurant emphasis. Will feature world-renowned local expert as guest speaker!

Toby is trying to swat that boy with her plate! This is a Girls Only conversation, apparently.

Charterstone residents need to follow the "Golden Rule" at their pool parties--Prepare foods they themselves wouldn't mind eating!! LOOK at the waste going on with the food. None of it looks appetizing and little of it is being eaten! Even teenage boys would rather drink pop than eat that sh--tuff!

duckduckgoose said...

12) Marital, Couple, and Family Counseling.

You will learn to apply BOTH leading theories and their therapeutic techniques: the Riding Wave/ Hard Work theory and the Glassy Seas/Ideal Love theory.

This specialization requires clinical meddling experience.

Gold-Digging Nanny said...

13) Culinary Arts. Learn the art of making casseroles, seafood scampi, and unidentifiable finger food.

Chester said...

I think the rule for Charterstone pool parties, Vicki, is that you take whatever has been in the back of your freezer for more than a year, thaw it and serve in the hot sun. Be sure to ignre the expiration date!

tuffenuf said...

14. Automobile Manufacturing Quality Control Manager.

LORD, we need some of those here in Santa Royale. Missing steering wheels, steering wheels in the backseat... Job are available immediately.

Miss Emish said...

15. Online security specialist.
Learn the details of securing information online. A lucrative consulting career awaits!

Barbara L. Hanson said...

Physical Education: As your swimming instructor, I will explain what a bathing suit is, what a pool is for, and what it is filled with. Advanced study in chlorine.

jennahrationex said...

Intervention Leader: Learn to drive (literally and figuratively) your intervenee off a cliff fueled by anguish and alcohol.

from jennahrationex

jennahferrara said...

Intervention Leader: Learn to drive (literally and figuratively) your intervenee off a cliff fueled by anguish and alcohol.

manz said...

17) Meddling. Learn the art of making people believe they are making choices, while you guide them toward the preferred outcome. Must be a skilled listener and manipulator.

duckduckgoose said...

How to Make Pink Ambrosia Salad:
2 pkgs cherry gelatin
16 ox cottage cheese
1 tub whipped cream
2 cans mixed fruit
1 cup chopped walnuts
Large bowl and spoon

Dump gelatin into bowl and mix with tub of whipped cream. Add the rest of the ingredients and mix. Serve with spoon.

Ambrosia is often depicted as conferring AGELESS IMMORTALITY upon whoever consumes it.