AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!
Back in the day, you could read Mary Worth and come away a better person. Wiser. Kinder. With a clearer direction. These days, Mary's advice will drive you tens of thousands of dollars into debt, and enable nothing less than total self absorption.
From one comic strip character to another:
18 comments:
This wrap-up of Dawn's past and future plans has been going on for weeks now. Helped along by Mary's platitudes. There has to be a time-limit for Moy to spout platitudes and we've reached it TODAY!
Let's move on - past Dawn and Jim. Bring the doctor and the cop back. Bring on ABD - Anybody But Dawn.
Please.
When I read "Mary concludes her visit with Dawn" I was so relieved, I opened some champagne. This has been interminable.
Dawn, your hair-dipping attempts are awful. Start lower.......much lower.
Better yet --- give up.
That's not hair dipping, those are roots showing from growth since the start of the conversation.
The target audience for this comic strip must be people with inner ear disorders. Plot turns that happen "too fast" (i.e. normal speed) might make them dizzy. Unfortunately, for the rest of us, this storyline pacing is coma-inducing...
This is very irresponsible advice, especially given the cost of college these days. I am NOT a fan of "college for all at all costs" nor am I a fan of most college majors IF you don't have unlimited funds (i.e. my friend who majored in French & minored in Art History & couldn't find a job yet was $60k in the hole. Go figure on that one)
The good news is, no one under the age of 100 (besides us) reads this tripe so no real college student with listen to this old bird.
Dawn and Marymorphosis
Yes, the experience of the incident in the Sea of AIEEEEEEEE has changed Dawn. She has learned many things. For example, Wilbur is a quitter- he was all, 'save yourself, Dawn, I can't make it'. However, his passive agressiveness worked in his favor, and the strong swimmer Dawn stayed by his side.
She learned that she was attractive to men other than Dave. Those big hunky rescue guys couldn't keep their hands off her, and they hugged her tight. And now she has attracted Jim....who has a nice smile.
She has learned that being a volunteer at the hospital is a drag. All those whining, disgusting sick people who expect you to hand them books and things. And those lavender scrubs are gross.
She has noticed that Mary has a nice apartment, seemingly plenty of money, and no one to answer to. Mary filled in capably (hahahahahaha) as Wendy, and Editor actually paid her for THAT bit of meddling in other people's business. Mary has the perfect life (except for Dr. Jeff and being 132 years old).
Hmmm, she wonders, what would happen if Wilbur were no longer able to or interested in being Wendy?
I think Dawn will travel to Monaco and party for a while to "find herself" and then maybe visit Hawaii or something afther that.
And, with the school she goes to, she might even get college credit for it.
Dave moved on. Dave moved on from what, Dawn?
How serious could their relationship have been? He broke up with her IN A TEXT MESSAGE for heaven's sake.
I just wanna slap that girl.
Later...
Wilbur bustles into apartment 3F, brimming with self-importance, and carrying a bag from Subway. "Dawn! I've had a marvelous offer! The cruise line association wants me to go on a lecture tour speaking about my experiences. Mary has agreed to take over Wendy again, and I leave tonight. Please help me pack." "Great, Dad! I'd love to help you pack."
That evening, a black limousine pulls up to Charterstone. Wilbur and his baggage are loaded aboard. Wilbur recognizes the captain of the Unita del Mar. "Hey! What is this about?" "We meet again, Signor Weston, and I'm taking you for a little ride. Mwahahahahahah!" And Wilbur, proving that life is indeed brutal, is taken to where Jimmy Hoffa is.
Dawn, reveling in her freedom, continues to plan her new life. She has noticed that Mary gets very confused at just about sundown every day. Dawn visits each day, and slips a drop of absinthe into her cup. Soon Mary is unable to write the Wendy column. The phone rings, and Dawn answers. "This is Editor! Get me Worth!" he barks. "That undead biddy (TM heydave) owes me a column, and if she doesn't get it to me by tomorrow morning, she'll be even more undead, or something."
Mary staggers to the phone. "Hawlo, teditor, I'm typin' that column right now, you betcha."
Dawn knows what must be done. She changes the ribbon of Mary's typewriter, takes out Wilbur's advice columnists' bible, ''The Ann Landers Big Little Book of Pat Answers", and answers all the letters. Every day, she submits the Wendy column, and every day she doses Mary with the absinthe. Editor is never aware of the change.
One day, she calls Dr. Jeff: "Mary isn't herself these days. Can you come over at about 6:30 this evening?" When Dr. J arrives, Mary is swinging from the chandelier, singing the Charterstone Fight song.* Soon the SR medivac helicopter arrives and Mary is taken to the lovely facility where she continues to live until this very day.
Dawn sells the condo which she inherited from Wilbur, and starts to make improvements to the apartment formerly known as Mary's. She hires Serv-Pro to rid the rooms of their distinctive Mary-smell- a combination of lilac cologne, mothballs, gin, and genteel perspiration. Next she goes to IKEA and purchases all new furniture.
Dawn: "Hi, Jim, remember me, your tablemate from a month ago? Would you like to come over to my apartment and help me put together my new dining table?"
Probably The End
(same tune as Notre Dame fight song)
*Fight, fight for dear old Charterstone,
Our unofficial manager's a meddling old crone.
If you want to keep your business your own,
Never let Mary into your home.
And if she brings you something she cooks,
For gosh sakes, don't eat it, it's worse than it looks!
Remember to always avoid Mary Worth-
She's the nosiest person on earth!
Oh, I'd like to believe that this concludes our visit with Dawn, too, but remember how Moy dropped a hint last Sunday Summary about there being more to Jim's story? I fear, friends, that Dawn and Jim are going to be the focus of another glacial, Dawn-centric story arc.
Let's extend some compassion to Uncle Joe, who does his best to amuse us. I suspect he really REALLY hates drawing Miss Weston.
AGHH, notice Mary's death stare into Dawn's eyes in the last panel! Now that's ominous!
Considering that Dawn is still undeclared after about ten years at The University, anything she's considering may be obsolete by the time she gets around to it.
Most universities offer a broad curriculum for a student's first two years, with the expectation that he/she will then be ready to choose a major to pursue in the third and fourth years. Then, with a degree, the graduate can find a job, maybe pursuing advanced degrees later. Someone in the Worthiverse must know this.
I was so much younger when this story began.
I've been on Travels of my own since Thursday, and of course, have missed nothing.
Give The Westons the hook and let's move on. Holy crap, I can't even be witty, I'm so irked.
NEXT!
@ Meg: Just when I thought my day couldn't get any better, I read your comment.
@Spode- thanks!
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