Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Mary Worth 1,572

Mary may get a variety of letters, but the wonderful thing is that her answers are pretty much boiler plate. Easiest gig in the world. Too bad Wilbur is currently unemployed. Is Beth about to choke the life out of Mary and assume the mantle of Ask Wendy?

Today's Full Strip


Lost in the Worthiverse said...

I'm reeling from Mary Worth's usage of surfer slang ("For sure") instead of the more proper, "For Certain"!

Dave in Parma said...

Thoughts from today's strip:

--reeling from disappointment that Mary used 'for sure' and not only bypassed 'For certain' but her more common phrasing of 'fo shizzle.'

--am also shocked, particularly after the cap fell off the shaker whilst Beth was cooking Sunday, that she opened for the opted for the plain phrase of 'all walks of life' when describing Mary's readers. I fully expected the sentence to read something along the lines of "Mary, your readers are the salt of the earth."

--Remember Mary, love is not for everyone, even if romance and speed dating is.

--Nice to see mary picked up the stylish Zenith Black and White display computer monitor to accent her grey books and the black walls in the room.

Yahoonski said...

1. How can Beth write anything with that tiny little deformed arm?
2. "Romance novels are not for everyone" is NOT Elinor's opinion; her opinion is that they aren't for ANYONE.
3. Mary has been replaced by somebody 40 years younger in the second panel.

Nance said...


Mary looks like she is designing exterior cafe doors on a clapboard-sided house.

Also--Beth's comment "My books are within a specific genre" is apropos of nothing. Mary's "advice" column is also within a specific genre--advice columns. So...what is her point?

These two need to get on with it.

meg said...

FBI Raid at Long Island Home Frees Elderly Cartoonist Pair

East Meadow, Lawn Guyland: FBI hostage negotiators stormed a mansion in East Meadow last night to free Mary Worth producers Joe Giella, 87, and Karen Moy, (over 21). Moy and Giella were being held captive by Mr. Giella's grandchildren, Beau, Moe, and Khloe. The hostage situation began several months ago when the grandchildren came to Mr. Giella's studio to help him to produce the Mary Worth comic strip which has been in newspapers for eight decades, and is currently running in about a dozen papers across the country. Instead of helping their grandfather color, ink, or organize his work, they took over production completely and shut him off from his partner, Miss Moy, who lives in Manhattan.

Ordinarily Miss Moy writes the Worth "stories" and sends them to Mr. Giella to illustrate. When she observed a sharp decline in the art work, she became concerned. She noticed that characters in the strip looked different in each panel. Mary Worth, in particular, would be grotesquely festooned with facial hair in some panels and have a tiny, compressed head in others. Occasionally she would be so short that she could barely reach the top of the stove to stir the garish messes she was cooking. Other characters' faces morphed into strange and eery resemblances of famous people, such as Christopher Walken, Willem Dafoe, and John King. The character Toby Cameron would appear as a Marilyn Monroe lookalike in one panel, and Hillary Clinton in the next. Bit player Nola Wolvenson started out as Jane Russell (a full-figured gal) and wound up looking like Betty Crocker.

When Miss Moy arrived to investigate, she, too, was taken hostage by Beau, Moe, and Khloe. Then the trio began to write the strip as well. Plots became almost incomprehensible, occasionally getting bogged down for days on end with panels of Mary Worth staring into an old Commodore or Heathkit computer and speaking in platitudes like "Friendship is the strongest weapon we have against despair" apropos of nothing. Double entendres infiltrated the formerly staid yet wholesome dialogue.

In the most startling development, a new character was introduced and his entire story line was concluded in less than two months. Many smutty cake baking jokes appeared in the strip. In his departure scene, a ghostly vision of Mary Worth floated in the air above the wing of his airplane.

During all this time when the Giella Three were diverting the strip, not one single newspaper or reader called attention to the madness. Then an anonymous Maryland blogger known only as "Wanders" decided to take matters into his own hands. He took a one week break from blogging and drove to East Meadow to observe Mr. Giella's house. Not once did he see Mr. Giella walking into the village for a cup of Sanka and an onion bialy. Not once did Mr. Giella walk his fat and elderly Pomeranian around the block. Not once did Mr. Giella go to his weekly canasta game. But "Wanders" did see daily deliveries from Pizza Cave, Shake Shack, and Papaya King-large deliveries far beyond what a man like Mr. Giella could be expected to eat.

Fortunately for Giella, Moy, Comic Kingdom Syndicate, and more than a few Worth fans, "Wanders"' neighbor's brother's mother-in-law's friend was an FBI agent, and "Wanders" called the agent and expressed his concern.

The Giella trio surrendered without incident at 5AM this morning, and the Worth strip will return to normal shortly. Mr. Giella and Miss Moy declined to press charges, but Mr. Giella did change his will to benefit "Wanders" instead of his feckless grandchildren.

fauxprof said...

OK, nobody is going to top Meg today. (Lady, you're brilliant!)

My first thought on reading today's strip was of a little phobia of my own. I can't stand to have anyone behind me when I'm working on the computer. BACK OFF, BETH!!

Joolz said...

Most books waver wildly among many genres -- hard-boiled detective, gothic horror, repair manual, political satire -- but Dawn's book is "within a specific genre."

Joolz said...

Sorry, her name is Beth! Beth is the genre writer.

Anonymous said...

Mary invited Beth over to watch her type a column? Sadly, Beth's life is so dull that this is the highlight of her day.

Still, typing with the monitor up against the window like that is going to give them both a headache. I hope Beth returns home crankier than Elinor.

Chin Napkin Groupie said...

Due to the post traumatic stress suffered by Wilbur after the cruise ship disaster, he has been unable to resume his duties as the author of "Ask Wendy".

meg said...

When Mary started writing Ask Wendy, I assumed that it would give her new opportunities for meddling in the lives of total strangers, some of whom would make brief guest appearances. But the only guest appearances have been by the grotesque computers she has been using.
Note to self: No assumptions about MW. Like Popeye, she is what she is. And, like Popeye, she never goes swimming with bow-legged women.

Not the Cake said...

Bravo Meg!

We all knew that Wilbur would never get Ask Wendy back once he let Mary get her meddling hands on it.

Not the Cake said...

So it was bugging me where I've seen this this idiotic, I mean brilliant plot before and then read someone by the name of Jeanne on the site's comments. Yes, this is the remake of Now, Voyager with Beth as the Bette Davis character, Tom as Paul Henreid's, Elinore as Gladys Cooper's controlling mother and for Mary Worth, Ask Wendy advice columnist for Claude Raine's psychiatrist character.

euclidmary said...

@Not the Cake,
I hope that means there will be a romantic scene in which Tom Harpman puts two pieces of asparagus in his mouth and then hands one to Beth.

Peggy Olson said...

Bette - I mean, Beth is going to start wearing gardenia corsages, talking very fast, and smoking - a lot.

NonnyMus said...

We haven't seen a trace of Chin Napkin since it was slammed down by Elinor. I hope it's o.k.

Wanders said...

Meg, do you really think I'm in Giellas will? I mean, that guy must be loaded. Why else would he be doing this strip? He must have no need for money!

I am kidding. I love Joe Giella and would live to meet him someday. He may hate me though.

Not the Cake said...

LOL euclidmary and Peggy Olson

How could Joe Giella hate you? I for one never read Mary Worth EVER until I discovered your hysterical blog and your funny commenters. Now I'm reading Mary Worth every day. See. You're bringing in new Mary Worth readers. Joe Giella must love you for that. On the other hand, I will never forgive you. (I kid.)

fauxprof said...


Beth is initiated into a Worthiverse ritual: sitting on Mary's ugly couch while eating indigestible desserts with tiny utensils. (Mary must have tons of practice pinkcake left in the freezer.)

I note with alarm that Beth has placed her teacup, sans saucer, on Mary's highly polished endtable. That sort of error would produce a spate of verbal abuse from Elinor.

Dave in Parma said...

"So Beth.....have you ever been to a Turkish prison?.......No, huh..... Have you ever..."

"Out of your league you say?"

Dave in Parma said...

Maybe Mary can give Beth some fashion tips. that will he her reel in Tom Harpman.

Anonymous said...

Whatever league Beth is in, they have really dopey looking red uniforms.

Lost in the Worthiverse said...


Beth would make a pretty hopeless advice columnist. All her advice would be along the lines of "obsess about the problem and make sure to add plenty of garlic to anything you cook!"

meg said...

Wanders, I'm sure Mr. Giella doesn't hate you. It's been my experience that very old people don't remember why they hated people in the past, and they don't have the energy or interest to start hating someone new! And as for his will...don't hold your breath.

Dave in Parma said...

@Anonymous 11:44---

Perhaps a League of Her Own

Anonymous said...

@Dave in Parma,
I'm kind of thinking the same thing. Go Beth, you free spirit!