Saturday, October 18, 2014

Mary Worth 1911

Mary, drugs are never the answer.


fauxprof said...

Santa Royale has strict ordinances. You need a valid prescription to buy the pink books. You wouldn't want just anybody to get those pink books.

Mike in Cleveland said...

I love it! She's at a 1930s style Apothecary where the druggist actually has time to stand around carving his initials into the counter top.

Yahoonski said...

On the contrary, Wanders, in this case drugs provide ALL the answers: Ritalin for Gordon, Adderall for Hanna, birth control pills for Amy, and a speedball of Metamucil, hemlock, and rat bane for Mary.

meg said...

While Mary ponders how little she can help Hanna and still retain her title of "Charterstone's Most Compassionate Widow", another resident of the neighborhood is determined to handle the Dingdon Dilemma in his own gruff way.

Although Ian Cameron apparently acquiesced to Toby's order to not approach Hanna, inwardly, he was seething (what else is new?).

By golly, he was thinkin', thes is th' first brain new part Moy has given me in years, an' I'll nae lit 'at yellow-haired vixen teel me whit tae dae.

After arming himself with some liquid courage, and taking a restorative nap in his Lazy Lad recliner, Ian considered what to wear to confront his enemy.

"Shud ah weor the matchin kilt wi' me blue brocyed jacket, or wud somethin wi' fair mare contrast be bettor? mebbies the blue sequined kilt wi' the gra velvet jacket wi' gold epaulettes....
Ah divvint want tuh be an' aaal matchy-matchy."

Thusly attired, he had a wee drinkie, and set out to Chez Dingdon. His only encounter with Hanna had been behind the wheels of their respective cars, and they had shared no words at the time, unless you count, "Why divvint yee lyeuk wheor yee weor ganin, yee crackers aad bat?" on the part of Ian, and a silently mouthed, "I'm sorry!" from Hanna.

Ian marched, staggering just a wee bit, filled with righteous indignation, straight up to Hanna's door, and rang her doorbell firmly. The first notes of 'Dixie' rang out in her apartment.

"Who is it?"

"It's adjunct professor Ian Cameron, heor tuh speak wi' yee on a mattor iv class importance!"

The door opened, revealing a petite silver haired woman wearing a plaid caftan, and holding a glass of something brown and fragrant.

"Why, Professor Cameron, it's an honor, suh, to welcome you to my little home. Won't you please come in and set a spell? Could I get you a glass of ice tea- sweet or unsweet?- with maybe a little bit of something stronger added?"

Ian: "Ach, wey, sputtor, sputtor, mebbies ah cud tek a wee dram."

Hanna: "Oh, I'm so glad- it's so wonderful to get to know my neighbors here in Santa Royale. I've just moved here from Atlanta, Gawja, and I hardly know anyone. Goodness, what a big tall fine-looking gentleman you are, and if I may say so, with your lovely beard and that Confederate gray jacket, you very much resemble General Robert E. Lee."

Ian: "thank yee, madam, but ah am heor tuh discuss that incident in the parkin lot when yee gev wor a bad freet when yee suddenly appeared in yor yellaa automobile."

Hanna: "Oh, I am so dreadfully sorry about that, but I was so worried about my daughter and my grandson that I must have just been careless. Can you ever forgive me?"

Ian: "oka, rites, ha abyeut that "ice tea" yee mentioned?"

Hanna: "I'll just be a little minute in the kitchen, and then we can have a nicetalk."

meg said...

In a few minutes, Hanna brings out a pitcher of ice tea (unsweet) and a crystal decanter of Auld Blowhard, as well as a silver platter with a few snacks- kippers, kedgeree, mini Haggis, bannock cakes, Dundee cake, and deep fried Mars bars.

Weel, Ian thinks tae himself, a cheil has got tae eat an' bevvy, nae matter whit subject is needin' tae be discussed.

Several hours later:
All the snacks are finished (except for a bit of kedgeree), and the pitcher of ice tea is nearly depleted. The bottle of Auld Blowhard has been emptied and replaced by a bottle of Glengarryglenross.

Ian: "Me missus doesn't understand me. Aaal she thinks abyeut is clowns an' pyeul laddies. An' mary worth, that aad biddie, hez caused wor see many problems, pretendin tuh be helpful."

Hanna: "Oh, Ian, I mean Adjunct Professor Cameron, Mary means well, bless her heart. Why only yesterday, she told me to not hesitate to call her if I needed something now that she's forbidden me to drive."

Ian: "Is it a ride you'll be needin? Ah will be happy tuh drive yee anywheor, anytime. Ah hev hardly owt tuh dee except attend a staff meetin once a month an' referee the Santa Royale Junior College footie team. Jush gerrus a caal, an' i'll be thor. in fact, why divvint ah just wait in me screeve, an' yee gan just cum downstairs an' git in, anytime."

Hanna: "Oh, Ian, you are just the most wonderful man! I could almost kiss you if you weren't married! Could you baby-sit with my grandson Geordie, I mean Gordy, once in a while?"

Ian: "Ah wud be proud tuh bairn sit fo' any geordie, spehully yor grandson."

And so the problem was solved. Yet when Mary got wind of it, another problem reared its Mingin' heed . And I do mean ugly. To be continued...

fauxprof said...

meg wins the internet! And a braw brave lassie she is!

meg said...

Mary has been sitting in her car for hours, waiting for Ian to come out of Hanna's apartment. Luckily she has her woolen granny panties on tonight, and a Thermos full of hot and sweet sweet tea, with a few shots of schnapps to make it taste better. She sips, she waits and she seethes. How dare Ian disobey Toby! Doesn't he know who's boss here? And Hanna is going to wait a long time for that ride to the Food Team. But Mary Worth knows how to solve problems, and tonight she intends to solve two.

Just then, Mary spots Ian weaving his way back home, singing "The March of the Cameron Men" (as he is wont to do after having a few),
"Thor's many a man iv the Cameron Clan that hez followed eez chief tuh the field.
He hez sworn tuh support him or die by eez side for a Cameron nivvor gan yield."

Enraged, Mary guns the engine of her Oldsmobuick, drives directly at Ian's kilted backside, and knocks him to the pavement. She then quickly parks her car, uses scissors to snip a few sequins from his peacock blue kilt, and then places the sequins on the bumper of Hanna Dingdon's yellow Ford Pinto. Mary goes up to Chez Worth, pours herself a stiffie, and clicks on the tv to see who Jack Paar has on. "Oh, good, it's Charley Weaver and Myron Cohen." She sips, she smiles, she laughs. She has solved the Dingdon problem, and life is good.

As Ian lies groaning on the Charterstone pavement, ("Ach, wot a headache that Glengarryglenross hez give wor. Next time I'll stick wi' the Rob Roy myed wi' Rob Roy leek me sainted ma used tuh drink.") By and by Toby comes to find him and is not surprised at his condition. However! When she gets him inside, she notices his dirk is bent and his sporran has tire marks on it. "Oh, my darling, you've been a victim of a hit and run! Who did this to you?"

(Moan)"Th' lest hin' Ah min' is Hanna Dingdon."

Later that evening:

The Santa Royale Detective Squad arrives to investigate Ian's 'accident.' He is comfortably ensconced in his Lazy Lad, wearing his Sean Finnerty onesie, and having a wee hot toddy. Detectives Tracy and Ketchum question him and then go out to investigate. Almost immediately they spot the sequins draped casually on Hanna's bumper.
"Tracy, it looks like the old lady did it, all right."
"Not so fast, Sam. We have to question her first."

Gordy answers the door- and their questions. (very high-pitched voice): "Granma's sleeping in her chair. She was here with the old man all evening, and then she watched a Game of Thrones marathon with me, and then she passed out. She hasn't been outside for days, 'cause Mary Worth ordered her not to drive."
Tracy: "Thanks, Gordy. You've saved your grandmother. Do you like movies about gladiators?"

And so it came to pass that the Great Detective found blue sequins embedded in the tires of Mary Worth's car. The trial was brief and the jury returned a guilty verdict within 15 minutes. As Santa Royale State Prison has no one bedroom cells available for elderly women, Mary Worth was sentenced to home arrest for the rest of her natural life or two years, which ever comes later. Hanna Dingdon, with the money she won in her civil suit, was able to get corrective eye surgery, and now enjoys driving her brand new Cadillac car. Ian Cameron recovered sufficiently to meet Hanna for brief tete-a-tetes where they continued their conversation about Ian and how wonderful he is.

The story you have just heard is true. The names have not been changed in order for Mary Worth's past victims to be able to enjoy gloating at her comeuppance.

Nance said...

@Yahoonski--As They say, "Better living through chemistry."

@meg--Just the thought of typing all that dialect does me in! You're too much.

Maybe Mary is going to delegate her meddling now--and Sincere Druggist is the point man.

Anonymous said...

It dawns on Mary that the answer is right before her eyes....assisted suicide. She's always loved being able to assist others.

meg said...

Nance, lass, it is me native lolly, an' the keyboard makes sweet music as ah type.

Chester the Dog said...

As Mary ventures out of Charterstone, she sees people with grey boxes near their ears, and they speak into these grey boxes. Mary is confused and heads to the pharmacy.