Toby has a right to be angry. There were many ways Ian could have earned the good graces of Hilton Berkes, New University Director, that did not impose on his loving wife. He could have invited Director Berkes to see Toby's gallery show. He could have taken him out to lunch and then shown him around the town. He could have washed Hilton's car windows and offered to wash his laundry.
How would you like to see Ian earn Hilton Berke's good graces? Let's make this a "Not a Real Contest" contest. We haven't done that in a while. The arbitrarily chosen winner will get to pick a song for the jukebox. As always, all jukebox selections must be approved by the condo board.
24 comments:
I would like to see Ian tap dance for his boss, while the Director and Mary, seated in lawn chairs with a nice cooler between them, pitch pennies at him.
Ian should dress up in full Scots regalia, kilt, sporran and all, break out the bagpipes and serenade Hilton beneath his office window. A medley of "Scotland the Brave", "MacPherson's Lament", and "Amazing Grace" ought to do it.
I think a hot air balloon ride would have been a better first date/good graces (worked well for Adam). Ian could have given Hilton a birds eye view of Charterstone which would be much more impressive.
Ian can offer to reupholster the cracked leather sofa in Hilton's office with his sports coat. And make a few throw pillows with the leftover material.
Ian could introduce Hilton to his tailor so that Hilton too could have his own lush green pubic hair jacket.
As Ian declared that he "had to jump at the chance of getting in [Hilton's] good graces," I suggest either bungee jumping or skydiving with Hilton. Heck, Ian should throw caution to the winds and do both.
Three words: Kites Are Fun!
How about getting Hilton to sit for Toby so she could sculpt a bust of him? This would get Ian in BOTH Hilton's and Toby's good graces. It would certainly increase the cachet of her "gallery show", which at this point looks like a sculpt-a-palooza of children's modeling clay.
Can there be any doubt that an evening with Mary would seal the deal on Charterstone? By the way, my college prep English teacher made the class memorize that wonderful Macbeth soliloquy. I still remember it word for word. "Out, Out brief candle!"
Ian should wear that "fat & happy chef" costume from his closet and host dinner for Director Berkes and Mary.
At the Bum Boat, impersonating the guy who actually makes their salmon squares.
And then serenade them both on the bagpipes.
Ian should take Hilton out to dinner down by the wharf, then arrange for someone to pretend to rob them, and use a karate chop to take down the robber. Don't ask me where I got that idea.
There's no question a Pool Party would do the trick on Hilton. Schedule it so that it coincides with the Republican Presidential Candidates forum in Santa Royale. The highlight would be an arm-wrestling contest between Donald Trump and Charterstone groundskeeper Mr. Allora. Winner gets to set U.S. immigration policy! Since Toby will be busy with her gallery showing, Megyn Kelly could stand in for her. Remember on the old tv show "Dallas" how somebody would always end up pushed in the pool? How would "The Donald's" hair look all wet? Lot's of good press for the University to boot.
Since Ian is wearing the same jacket that Wilbur wore on his cruise with Dawn, I think a luxury cruise to Scotland on the Unita del Mare II would be just the thing.
My, my, Wanders ... so tempting! I can think of MANY activities for Ian and Hilton to engage in, but, alas!, they are not family friendly. Sigh!
Ian- LEAVE HILTON ALONE!!!!!
Why introduce him to the fabulous Mary Worth-solver of problems big and small, real and imagined-of course.
Ian could sell Toby's clay animals at auction and donate the proceeds to Hilton's slush fund at the university. Win-win.
Poor Ian, he's now developed a second thumb on his right hand, and a wonky right eye. Maybe he's having a stroke. We haven't had a hospital story in awhile.
Ian: "And in the morning I'll compete in the Papa Hemingway lookalike contest."
WEDNESDAY
It's 3:07 a.m., and Ian is thinking about making sacrifices. Human sacrifices, maybe? And who is "we BOTH"? Is he lying in bed fantasizing about himself and Toby making sacrifices? Or is he thinking about himself and Hilton? Stay tuned, Mary Worth lovers ... !
THURSDAY
Oh, glorious day! Toby's cereal box is worth Panel of the Year consideration. Surely "Splak" cereal should enter the Worthiverse food lexicon along with Kelk. Anyway, it seems to require a great deal of milk to make it edible. Thank you, Uncle Joe!
Thursday
@fauxprof at 9:39 a.m., Splak is not cereal. Toby is so exhausted, she's carried in the box of modeling compound she uses to craft her gray critters and dumped it into a bowl. Just wait till it firms up - "Mmmffttt!"
It's "Dress Like Your Favorite 1990's TV Character Day" at The University today, and Ian is rocking the Andy Sipowicz look.
I hope the Gallery show is sponsored by Splak with Splak shirts, Splak banners, Splak products everywhere.
Harumph! There's trouble in paradise ...
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