Sunday, January 1, 2017

The Ninth Annual Worthy Awards!

Ladies and Gentleman, Old and Young!

The Charterstone Condo Board is pleased to present the Ninth Annual Worthy Awards! Brought to you by Vicodin, available at many different pharmacies near you! Boss got you down? Girlfriend dump you? Then strain your back, and try Vicodin! It's all you'll ever need.

Many of Santa Royale's blue blood establishment are here tonight, as well as many up-and-comers. So put on your yoga pants, it's time for an opening number!

Before we get started with tonight's winners, each year we present the Aldo Kelrast Memorial Worthy Award posthumously to a character who has died. This coveted prize recognizes outstanding achievement in death. The competition is always tough, and always bitter, but in the end, we can't ALL win this one.

Tonight's winner of the 2016 Aldo Kelrast Memorial Worthy Award goes to ...

 Tommy's Dad! 

Mr. Beedie, thank you for the powerful influence you've had on your son! His fear of hospitals and preference for prison food is all thanks to you!

And now, for our first Worthy Award. The nominees for OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE BY A FLOATING HEAD are...

 Harlan Jones in "Title IX"

 Dr. Jeff Cory M.D. in "No Need to Rush Home"

 John Dill in "Thanks for Visiting My Dreams"

 Tommy Beedie in "Floating Head Shop"

Mary Worth in "Reversed Floating Head"

And the winner is...

 Tommy Beedie in "Floating Head Shop"

This is Tommy Beedie's first Worthy Award, and this one truly represents his courage to push artistic boundaries, establishing new standards of genius.


 Dr. Leone in "Yes, I'm a Doctor"

 Harlan Jones in "The Yoga Code"

 Homeless Man in "Everything But My Faith."

 Sabrina in "The Teen-Aged Meddler"

Mr. Allora in "You're Late! Everything that Happens Next is Your Fault!"

Olive Taylor in "Meddling Munchkin"

And the winner is...

 Harlan Jones in "The Yoga Code"

Harlan Jones impressed us all with his many interests, but his green suit surely impressed us the most.

The nominees for OUTSTANDING PANEL OF 2016 are...

 Chaos Must Be Controlled

 Olive Can Read Your Mind

 Care for a Cup of Perspiration?

Good Grief, Charlie Brown

 Pork Chops and Acrobats

 Joe Giella's Last Mary Worth Panel

And the winner is...

Pork Chops and Acrobats

Perhaps the best seats for the most amazing performers in the most fantastic venue in the greatest city in the world! And the pork chops are very good!


Dawn Weston in "The Yoga Code"

Iris Beedie in "It's All Mr. Allora's Fault"

Mary Worth in "The Yoga Code"

Toby Cameron in "The Yoga Code"

Tommy Beedie in "It's All Mr. Allora's Fault"

And the winner is...

Tommy Beedie in "It's All Mr. Allora's Fault"

Tommy Beedie is proving to be our big winner tonight, and we will --

Wait a minute! Susan Sarandon, sit back in your seat! This is not the time to make a political statement. Susan, please, no, please...

SUSAN SARANDON: I will not be silenced, Wanders! An outrage has taken place in our country and no one is talking about it. Not in any meaningful way. There has been a change that occurred without the consent of a majority of citizens, and I for one will not be silenced. No, I will not! A great man has been serving us for years, and then suddenly he has been replaced. Joe Giella is gone. He will be missed. We wish him the best. We also wish his replacement, June Brigman, the best. She's really good. Maybe even a little too good. She is so good that we failed to notice the real change that took place. With the departure of Joe Giella, there was a change in our syndicate. North America Syndicate, Inc., was silently usurped by King Features Syndicate, Inc., a royalist! It was there between panels day after day, but no one said a thing! All it takes for tyranny to prevail is for good people to remain silent! This is antidemocratic! I for one object to a monarchy! We are Americans! King Features Syndicate will have us groveling before the King. Oppressed subjects of a Tyrant! Down with the King! Down with the King!

Okay, Susan, we love you, and you are right. Our syndicate did change to King Features, Inc. It's right there between the panels every day. I'm sure that if the citizens of Santa Royale begin to feel oppressed... Wait a minute... Santa Royale? That sounds suspicously sovereign, itself. Perhaps Santa Royale is nothing but a colony of the King? But one thing's for sure. We can't solve the world's problems at the Worthy Awards, so please take a seat.

Thank you... may we continue? Thank you...

And now, the nominees for OUTSTANDING STORY OF 2016 are...

Meddling in Manhattan

 The Yoga Code

It's All Mr. Allora's Fault

And the winner is...
The Yoga Code

Well, it's been a horrible year in so many ways, but at least we will always have memories of Professor Harlan Jones and Yoga.

It's been a long night, but before you go, I was trying to think of a way to thank Joe Giella for his awesomeness and to honor him in some way. I know that Uncle Joe probably and hopefully won't ever need their services, but the Hero Initiative is a fund that is set up to support comic book creators in need, generally in need of essential medical treatment. I've just made a donation there, and I invite you to do so as well. If you donate using PayPal, in the special instructions link just before you make your payment, please mention that this is "In Honor of Joe Giella," and I'd be honored if you mention Have a great night everybody!


fauxprof said...

Thank you, Wanders, for again producing the best awards show on the planet; indeed, the only one worth bothering with. And what a great opening musical montage, representing some of the fondest memories of my youth. I'm sure Maggio Nollaig can't compare--unless, of course, they're a British Invasion tribute band!

Peggy Olsen said...

Another Worthy Awards election carried out with the utmost integrity. Some of my choices didn't win, but I support the results of the Charterstone Electoral College.

meg said...

Wait just a darn minute! How can we be sure that the sinister-sounding North American Syndicate didn't hack this blog and tamper with the results? After all, they won twice as many categories as King did. I think it's quite possible that a recount would show a different outcome.
Calling Agent Terry Bryson....

MissScarlet said...

Thank you Wanders and all you wonderful commentators. My day is always better with you.

smooth said...


You deserve an Emmy as Outstanding Worthy Awards Host.

I must say I am thrilled that Pork Chops and Acrobats won as Outstanding Panel. When it first appeared, I knew it was destined for greatness. I now find myself craving some pork chops!

KitKat said...

I second the comment by @smooth - bravo bravissimo to Wanders for a stellar Worthy Awards! This ceremony has it all, including Lulu. I admit I haven't thought about Lulu in some time (okay, decades), but who couldn't picture Dawn singing "To Sir with Love" to Harlan Jones? The classroom even looks like those at the U. of S.R. Perfection from start to finish, Wanders. You've set a high bar for Jimmy Fallon.

Olive's Angel said...

Bravo to all the winners!

Hermite said...

A superb job, Wanders, as always. And what a nice tribute to Mr. Giella.

@meg - perfect addition.

Happy 2017 to everyone.

mrvy said...

Yes, the opening number is the best 9th day of Christmas gift EVER! Thank you Wanders!