No matter how hip and gorgeous June Brigman may try do draw these characters, they still talk like government-issued robots intent on cooking all humankind into a giant casserole.
Oh, poor Derek! Welcoming Mary's helpful hints is like inviting a vampire into your house. On your head be it, Hoosiers. You're in for a full on meddling cruise.
Mary felt the line suddenly go taut. With a gentle but snap of the wrist, she set the hook and then let the line play out. Then she smiled. “This is just too easy.”
Mary: This ship is beautiful! How did you ever get such a great deal? Toby: I found a discount coupon in Ian's AARP magazine. Mary: What's AARP?
Meanwhile, on board the ship...
The Hoosiers, the Boozers, the Bruisers, the Schmoozers, the Users, the Abusers, the Snoozers, the Losers, the Goobers, the Wheezers and the Whiners all go off to find their staterooms, and so do Toby and Mary.
Look, Mary, there's a welcoming note on the desk!
Welcome to the SS Nursing Home of the Seas!
We know you and the other cruisers on Rascals Deck are going to have a great time.
Here are your fellow passengers:
General Amos and Mrs. Martha Halftrack (avoiding the fast-paced life of golf and cocktails at Camp Swampy)
Mr. Snuffy and Mrs. Loweezy Smith (escaping the dismal hopelessness of life in Hootin' Holler)
Mr. Julius and Mrs. Cora Dithers (evading the ennui of fifty years of marriage)
Mr. B.O. and Mrs. Gravel Gertie Plenty (avoiding the fetid odor of their trailer home on the outskirts of Big City)
Mr. George and Mrs. Martha Wilson (dodging Dennis, the annoying neighbor boy)
Mr. Hagar and Mrs. Helga Hansen (time traveling from the squalor of 9th century Scandinavia- but in all fairness, there was squalor pretty much everywhere in the 9th century)
Mr. Augustus Mutt and Mr. Jeff (enjoying a long-delayed honeymoon)
Mr. Toby Cameron and Mrs. Mary Worth (taking their meddling to the high seas)
Mr. Scrooge McDuck and his caregivers, Huedina, Dewina, and Louvina Duck (occupying the Penthouse Suite, and his gold is stored in the adjacent stateroom)
Here are a few hints so that you all can enjoy your week aboard:
Take turns with the stairlift. Put your name on your cane, your walker, your glasses, your teeth, and your hearing aids. No, you may not ride your Rascals round and round the Promenade Deck.
Early bird dinner is served promptly at 4:30, and the midnight buffet opens at 8:00.
Activities available especially for this deck are: shuffleboard, shuffling, dominos, canasta, and bragging about your grandchildren and your IRAs.
Quiet time begins at 9:00. Honeymooners are requested to keep it down, and Mr. Cameron and Mrs. Worth, please try to keep it respectable. We gave you twin beds for a reason. Mr. McDuck, please count your money silently, none of this 'FIVE THOUSAND and ONE, FIVE THOUSAND and TWO' like on your previous cruises. Mr. Hansen, do not loot any of the other staterooms. Mr. Plenty, for the love of Mike, please bathe daily. Mr. Smith, if you wish to drink, you must buy your beverages from the ship's lounge. That jug of XXX was removed from your tow sack and handed over to the revenooers. Mr. Dithers, we've assigned you to sit with General Halftrack at meals, so you can take turns yelling at each other. Mr. and Mrs. Wilson, we've arranged for some of the children on board to knock on your door at random hours so you'll feel at home.
Have a great time, and remember, we'll be having the lifeboat drill when you least expect it, so keep your slippers handy!
Tip # 1: Derek Hoosier: Hey, what's the name of this ship? Mary Worth: The Bosta Bombordia! It's Italian! Katie Hoosier: Golly, I'm sure glad it's not the Titanic! Toby Cameron: What was the name of that ship that Wilbur and Dawn went on? Mary Worth: Hush, Toby, let's hear more about the Hoosiers! Creepy Stranger in Hat (who is sure to play a larger role soon!): Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
13 comments:
Oh, poor Derek! Welcoming Mary's helpful hints is like inviting a vampire into your house. On your head be it, Hoosiers. You're in for a full on meddling cruise.
Today's Boldface Haiku is titled "Your Cruise Will Begin After This Short Film Narrated By Bess Myerson".
Yes, first!
Treat!
Tips orientation!
Super! Helpful Hints!
Wanders, of course your post today reminded me of the classic Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man":
http://twilightzone.wikia.com/wiki/To_Serve_Man
I'd like to serve Mary and Toby to those aliens. Probably the Hoosiers, too - they're well on their way to being insufferable.
What does she mean by orientation?
fore=front
aft=back
port=left
starboard=right
That kind of thing?
“Yes, this is our first cruise!”
CHOMP!
Mary felt the line suddenly go taut. With a gentle but snap of the wrist, she set the hook and then let the line play out. Then she smiled. “This is just too easy.”
-- S. McW.
Oops, gentle but firm snap . . .
-- S. McW.
Mary: This ship is beautiful! How did you ever get such a great deal?
Toby: I found a discount coupon in Ian's AARP magazine.
Mary: What's AARP?
Meanwhile, on board the ship...
The Hoosiers, the Boozers, the Bruisers, the Schmoozers, the Users, the Abusers, the Snoozers, the Losers, the Goobers, the Wheezers and the Whiners all go off to find their staterooms, and so do Toby and Mary.
Look, Mary, there's a welcoming note on the desk!
Welcome to the SS Nursing Home of the Seas!
We know you and the other cruisers on Rascals Deck are going to have a great time.
Here are your fellow passengers:
General Amos and Mrs. Martha Halftrack
(avoiding the fast-paced life of golf and cocktails at Camp Swampy)
Mr. Snuffy and Mrs. Loweezy Smith
(escaping the dismal hopelessness of life in Hootin' Holler)
Mr. Julius and Mrs. Cora Dithers
(evading the ennui of fifty years of marriage)
Mr. B.O. and Mrs. Gravel Gertie Plenty
(avoiding the fetid odor of their trailer home on the outskirts of Big City)
Mr. George and Mrs. Martha Wilson
(dodging Dennis, the annoying neighbor boy)
Mr. Hagar and Mrs. Helga Hansen
(time traveling from the squalor of 9th century Scandinavia- but in all fairness, there was squalor pretty much everywhere in the 9th century)
Mr. Augustus Mutt and Mr. Jeff
(enjoying a long-delayed honeymoon)
Mr. Toby Cameron and Mrs. Mary Worth
(taking their meddling to the high seas)
Mr. Scrooge McDuck and his caregivers, Huedina, Dewina, and Louvina Duck
(occupying the Penthouse Suite, and his gold is stored in the adjacent stateroom)
Here are a few hints so that you all can enjoy your week aboard:
Take turns with the stairlift.
Put your name on your cane, your walker, your glasses, your teeth, and your hearing aids.
No, you may not ride your Rascals round and round the Promenade Deck.
Early bird dinner is served promptly at 4:30, and the midnight buffet opens at 8:00.
Activities available especially for this deck are: shuffleboard, shuffling, dominos, canasta, and bragging about your grandchildren and your IRAs.
Quiet time begins at 9:00. Honeymooners are requested to keep it down, and Mr. Cameron and Mrs. Worth, please try to keep it respectable. We gave you twin beds for a reason.
Mr. McDuck, please count your money silently, none of this 'FIVE THOUSAND and ONE, FIVE THOUSAND and TWO' like on your previous cruises. Mr. Hansen, do not loot any of the other staterooms.
Mr. Plenty, for the love of Mike, please bathe daily. Mr. Smith, if you wish to drink, you must buy your beverages from the ship's lounge. That jug of XXX was removed from your tow sack and handed over to the revenooers. Mr. Dithers, we've assigned you to sit with General Halftrack at meals, so you can take turns yelling at each other. Mr. and Mrs. Wilson, we've arranged for some of the children on board to knock on your door at random hours so you'll feel at home.
Have a great time, and remember, we'll be having the lifeboat drill when you least expect it, so keep your slippers handy!
@meg, for the win!
Usually on Royal Caribbean you need to pay extra for a personal trip meddler.
Ever since the 'Hoosiers are Cruisers' comment I'm hearing Derek's voice with a lisp (i.e. lithp).
No, I can't explain it.
no one said they'd be helpful hints...
I had to look up Julie McCoy, Wanders. Never watched the Love Boat, but now I kinda wanna YouTube it.
Poor Hoosiers. Little do they know they've given Mary a opening she could drive a truck through.
Tip # 1:
Derek Hoosier: Hey, what's the name of this ship?
Mary Worth: The Bosta Bombordia! It's Italian!
Katie Hoosier: Golly, I'm sure glad it's not the Titanic!
Toby Cameron: What was the name of that ship that Wilbur and Dawn went on?
Mary Worth: Hush, Toby, let's hear more about the Hoosiers!
Creepy Stranger in Hat (who is sure to play a larger role soon!): Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
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