Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Mary Worth 2891

Nothing like an hour with Mary to make you not want to kill yourself.


meg said...

Mr. Allora’s Diary

Just as I thought- the idiot Charterstone dwellers have not noticed that my cousin Al has temporarily replaced me as concierge and general flunky, thus giving me a chance to revise and edit my tell all book about the residents- what fools they are. Al is 25 years younger, 50 pounds heavier, and looks more like a Mario Brother than an Allora cousin. What’s more, he is a member of the Blue-Overalled Union of Poorly Compensated Maintainers, whereas I belong to the much higher status Union of White Polo-Shirted Concierge Service Providers. It’s like the difference between Yugos and Mercedes.

Nonetheless, this is valuable experience for Al; he will be in position to inherit my job permanently. I’ll give my notice in an angry and high-pitched tirade when I return from my book tour. Then the blithely careless condo owners will feel the wrath of Allora!

Chapter Summaries

Mary Worth is a Slovenly Housekeeper- Even her Mice have Mice
Allora would never eat anything from her kitchen. She once force fed me a bite of her so-called muffins- I spat it into my bandana when her back was turned. “Allora,” I thought to myself, “you just had a very close call.”

Wilbur Weston Should Call Himself ‘Windy’. Because he is.
Allora always makes sure to keep the doors and windows open when he is in the Weston apartment, because he is entitled under EPA rules to work in a gas-free zone. Wilbur is a wealthy man, but he can never find his wallet when it’s time to tip Allora!

Dawn Weston is a Vapid Teen-Aged Girl Trapped in the Body of a 40 Year Old Woman
She’s perfectly safe with “Dr.” Harlan Jones, because he likes them younger than that. Her father can’t acknowledge that Dawn graduated from high school when the Macarena was popular and Eddie Murphy was still funny. Although Allora is not too proud to bum cigarettes from Dawn...

Ian Cameron Wears Tighty Whities Under his Kilt, and his Beard is a Stick-On from Michael’s Arts and Crafts.
Ian will never be a full professor, no matter how much he sucks up to that smug High-Tone Berkes. He prepares his Scottish literature lectures by watching binge-watching Highlander and Braveheart, and binge-drinking Rob Roys and Auld Stepdad. Strangely, his students love him, and his lectures are always well-attended. He never tips at Christmas, postponing it “til wee Hogmanay”, and Allora has no idea when that is.

Toby Cameron Pays Allora to Haul Away her Empty Gin Bottles, but she Discards her Airplane Miniatures Herself
Allora wouldn’t say Toby is a drunk, but he wouldn’t deny it, either. Mrs. Cameron is a very generous tipper. Those little gray animal sculptures creep Allora out.

fauxprof said...

I was preparing a hilarious comment about the thickness of the Santa Royale Penny Saver Shopper, but then I logged on to meg’s wild and wonderful brilliance. I will now quietly slip away.

Nance said...

Today's Boldface Haiku is titled

"In Which We Learn That Wallowing, Boozing, And Country Music Fix Everything (No Muffins Required)".

Reinstated! Dawn...great!

KitKat said...

@meg, you are brilliant beyond words! I was laughing out loud throughout, and I’m in a restaurant enjoying breakfast (without muffins).

@Nance, you scored another bullseye!

Just wait till Mary sends her counseling invoice to Wilbur. I wonder if his insurance covers Maximum Meddling.

Anonymous said...

Evidently, Moy has a license to steal.

If any of you will not have access to MW for the rest of the week, allow me to fill you in in advance.


I want to thank you, Mary, for helping me through the dark times.

That's what neighbors are for, Wilbur.


You really are a good friend.

So are you, Wilbur.


I owe you so much, Mary.

Just seeing you happy again is all the payment I need, Wilbur.


Boxed quote: "Love thy neighbor" -- God

Now that the Santa Royale Times has reinstated my columns, I'm feeling better than ever!

I'm delighted for you, Wilbur.

And I heard from Dawn. She's doing great.

I'm delighted for both of you, my friend.

I want to thank you, Mary, for helping me through the dark times.

That's what neighbors are for, Wilbur.

You really are a good friend.

So are you, Wilbur.

I owe you so much, Mary.

Just seeing you happy again is all the payment I need, Wilbur.

Now I'm going to go pay that rat bastard Zak a visit.

WHAT? WHOA! HOLD ON THERE! [Ah, if only.]

-- Scottie McW.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious, Meg!

-- S. McW.

Chester the Dog said...

But where is Wilbur's car? Still at the cliff?

LouiseF said...

Great comments, everyone!

Yahoonski said...

Ditto what LouiseF said. If only Moy put a fraction of Meg's talent/effort into her work...well, then I guess we wouldn't have anything to snark about, would we?

mr_darcy said...

Wilbur: I've taken your advice for decades Mary, but one session with a generic medical group professional turned my life around.

Mary: ---!

Next: Fury of a Meddler Scorned

meg said...

Snicker, snicker. Scottie McW said “bastard”.

Sandi Ego said...

Allora, you just had a very close call. Love it, Meg!
This group has the best comments, thank you for the laughs. As for Wilbur, I'll have what he's having (you are so right, Wanders!)

Maxwell Bacon said...

I just saw yesterday's strip. If Dawn and Co. are touring "beautiful Italy" why are they in Florence every time we see them? That cathedral in the background of Dawn's picture is obviously the Duomo in Florence.

Maxwell Bacon said...

@meg: Mary Worth "fans" asked, and you delivered! Awesome! Thanks for the hilarity!

meg said...

Thanks, everyone. It’s very hard to write with only one arm free from the straitjacket.

Regina Wolfe-Parks said...

Meg and Scottie McW, you had me snorting ice tea out of my nose. If Wanders needs a new category, it should be "Best alternative story by a reader". The Mr. Allora book is much better than anything KM could ever think of writing.

The way Mary and Wilbur are carrying on about his lousy columns, you would think he was Tolstoy or Hemingway. I bet Wilbur's writing pales in comparison to Meg (or anyone of us for that matter).

Nance said...

This blog and its comments are so superior to the comic strip. It's not even close.

@mr_darcy: Stellar quote from Imaginary Wilbur. IF ONLY!
@Scottie McW--Perfect. Especially the Celebrity Quote.
@KitKat--Oh, thank you. I appreciate it so much.
@meg--The Dawn synopsis is my favourite. Well done!

Anonymous said...

@ All

This is really a fun place to be, isn't it?

Thanks to Wanders for his genius in getting this started and keeping it going at a very high level.

And thanks to all of you for the many, many insights and laughs.

-- S. McW.