Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Mary Worth 51

I can go in so many directions with this one, so many directions. But don't worry, dear reader, this remains a family friendly blog.

So, Mary's risky bike ride down New Country Road continues. Even when she's only thinking, Mary is lecturing. Gosh, what it must be like to live inside that head.

Here are a few things four-footed friends have tried to teach me:

  • Pooping all over the yard is fun.
  • The fuel line for my grill is edible.
  • You actually can dig up the carpet.

  • But the one thing I actually did learn? Being black listed by the local animal adoption agency for returning their dog really isn't such a bad thing.

    Crazy Hillbilly Dog Lover wandering down lonely New Country Road on Halloween scares the daylights out of me.

    Tuesday, October 30, 2007

    Kung Fu Fighting

    Toonhead over at the Comics Curmudgeon posted this delightful salute to the awkward movements of all the deadly weapons living at Charterstone. I had to share.

    Monday, October 29, 2007

    Mary Worth 50

    Ah, yes, New Country Road. Except for the beheading last year, and the occasional gathering of Satan worshipers, New Country Road is a wonderful place for a 60-something widow to take a bike ride. Alone. Happy Halloween.

    Sunday, October 28, 2007

    Mary Worth 49

    What in the world? What planet do you live on? Vera may still love Drew, but if you think smiling about the fact is appropriate (if you call that a smile; it's really more of a maniacal meddler's grin), you may want to re-evaluate your feelings about love addiction, emotional abuse and co-dependency.

    Even Dr. Jeff, whose familiarity with romance is nebulous at best, chokes on his mug of warm cocoa (wink, wink) at the thought that after five months of this storyline, we can look forward to more Vera and Drew sometime in the future.

    I know it may be too early to predict, but something tells me that any future Vera/Drew story line will involve another pool party.

    Friday, October 26, 2007

    Mary Worth 48

    Uh-oh. This means one of two things: The story continues as Vera and Drew reconcile and somehow manage to make their relationship work despite the fact that Vera is as appealing as blanched beef and Dr. Drew Corey is a self-centered jerk. Or, if my Mary Worth instincts are correct, this panel is actually the resolution of the entire story line! Those of you who are new to Mary Worth might find that hard to believe, but we have seen less thrilling climaxes.

    Vera, here are a few other ways of seeing the stars that I recommend.

    Monday, October 22, 2007

    Mary Worth 47

    She's baaAAaack!

    Mary, we've missed you! Thank you for arriving and meddling. Now, I trust, Mary Worth, that you will do everything you can to protect Vera from getting involved with a jack ass like Dr. Drew Corey -- not that Vera isn't capable of making her own correct decisions concerning a jack ass like Dr. Drew Cory.

    Fortunately for us (though regrettably for Vera), the hard-to-distinguish (but-blatantly-placed) italics in the above exchange seem to indicate that Mary has no intention of keeping them apart. Rather, she seems to be making long-term plans to become Vera's mother-in-law. Those will be long term plans indeed.

    Sunday, October 21, 2007

    Mary Worth 46

    Dr. Drew Corey, it won't be any easier for Vera to throw you away, than it was for you to throw away your precious Bum Boat marlin shirt in the middle of an emotionally intense telephone conversation. Not only have you two-timed Vera, but you've two-timed your shirt. Have you no shame?

    Saturday, October 20, 2007

    Mary Worth 45

    And Mary Worth fans around the world rejoice. It's another Drew-smack to the gut. Adding to the satisfaction, Vera's hand is clenched in the traditional "I'm going to stab you in the throat" knife grasp, while her shadow literally leaps off the wall and sits up in mid-air to say to Drew's shadow over the phone's shadow, "You call yourself a shadow? You're nothing but a blur, you two-timing penumbra!"

    Thursday, October 18, 2007

    Mary Worth 44

    So Vera picks up the phone and immediately rips into him. Well done. To which Drew offers a prayer of gratitude that he didn't have to leave another voice mail.

    But what scares me the most? That fish t-shirt. Something ominous here. Funny Background Guy was wearing the same t-shirt when Dawn first hit on Drew at the Pool Party last summer! I am so afraid.

    Wednesday, October 17, 2007

    Mary Worth 43

    Because there are a lot of women out there who look to Mary Worth as a model for living (one has to assume so anyway), I want to offer some important words of counsel. There is a distinct difference between forgiveness and hooking back up with dead-weight doofuses like Drew Corey, M.D. Forgiveness means moving on without resentment; it doesn't mean getting back into a bad relationship with a player who will never be loyal to you. Whether Drew is worthy of forgiveness or not, it doesn't change the fact that he's an ass. I just had to say this because where ever this story might lead, no one really wants to see Her Blandness get back together with His Badness. And no one wants to see you, dear reader, get back together with that jerk you were dating last week either.

    Tuesday, October 16, 2007

    Folk Singers Palooza

    One of the great nights of my life:

    I was living in Manhattan the summer of 1991. Through my brother, I’d met a family who lived near Lincoln Center. One of their grown daughters shared a common interest in singer/songwriter John Gorka with my brother and me, and I became pretty good friends with the family. I still sometimes run into the parents when I travel to New York on business, but I can’t remember the daughter’s name. Let’s just call her Whatsername.

    One evening, I read in the Village Voice that John Gorka was performing at a club in Greenwich Village (and sadly, I can’t remember the name of the venue either – Let’s just call it Wazzit). I called Whatsername and asked if I could take her to see the show at Wazzit. She was totally up for it, and said she’d meet me there since I lived down on 15th Street and she lived a block from Lincoln Center. It wasn’t that far away from show time, so I walked down to the club and then hung out in front of Wazzit waiting for Whatsername.

    As I waited for her to arrive, John Gorka came out and started hanging out on the corner with me... Well, he was about eight feet away from me and we didn’t talk. Which I regret to this day, that I couldn’t just strike up a conversation. But soon, another guy came up and you could tell he was friends with Gorka.

    It was actually Cliff Eberhardt (whom I would be a fan of within a week). So, there we were, these two handsome, masculine Jersey/Italian looking folksingers, with lots of dark curly hair and friendship bracelets, and me, this skinny, dweebily-dressed balding guy. Hanging out. I’m sure they didn’t really notice me.

    Then these Brooklyn-ish girls showed up and were really friendly with John and Cliff. They seemed like fans. Big fans. Then the girls went in. Then Cliff wished John good luck. And they went in. Then Whatsername arrived. She looked very pretty and seemed very happy to be there, and she was impressed when I told her I’d been hanging out with John Gorka.

    We went in and got a table close to the stage on the far right of the room. Julie Gold opened for John. I immediately thought she was one of the coolest female performers I’d ever seen. Her voice? Not great, but gutsy, and her songs were wonderful. Almost exactly a year later, Mrs. Wanders and I would be dancing at our wedding to Nanci Griffith singing Julie Gold’s song, “Heaven.” But I hadn’t met Mrs. Wanders yet (I would in just a couple of weeks, and I wouldn’t have believed it if you told me), but I did like that song.

    I can’t remember if it was during Julie Gold’s set or John Gorka’s set (but I think it was Julie Gold’s set), Christine Lavin came on stage to do back up vocals for a song. Now, as you must know, Christine Lavin is a goddess to all folk singers because she’s amazing, and she’s been a remarkable promoter of modern folk music. And she’s hilarious. So the place went pretty crazy (at least for a nerdy folk concert). And then Christine brought Cliff Eberhardt up for the song, and said that if we hadn’t heard Cliff’s debut album we needed to go out and buy it (which I did just a couple of days later, and it is still one of my favorite albums – in fact, this was 1991, and that CD was the first CD I ever bought).

    After Julie Gold’s set, John Gorka came up and gave a fantastic performance. One of the things that made the night special was a new song called “Gravyland.” It was so new that he played it out of his spiral notebook. It’s a great song – a gratitude song. A song that simply says, I never thought things would turn out this well, and if it all ended tomorrow, I’d still have more than I ever asked for.

    Whatsername and I left Wazzit and walked over to the subway station. I was going to accompany her home, but it was a warm night and neither of us wanted to wait down in the swampy station, so I said, “Let’s catch a cab.”

    The cab ride was a treat for me, a poor graduate student. We completely enjoyed talking about the show scrunched down in the massive back seat of the Yellow Cab. There was something tremendously romantic about it all, even though Whatsername and I both knew without saying it that this was simply a platonic summer friendship. I walked her back to the lobby of her family’s apartment building and then headed home on the subway.

    The next Saturday I saw that Cliff Eberhardt was performing at a folk festival on a South Street pier, so after helping a friend move into a new apartment, I headed down. I had wrenched my back during the move, and the concert was outdoors and seating was on the planks of the pier, so I found a barrier to lean against since my back was in a lot of pain.

    I looked a few yards away, and there was Julie Gold, hanging out with several friends. They were having a wonderful time. I wanted so badly to tell her how much I enjoyed her performance the week before, but I couldn’t get up because of my back. So, another regret: that I didn’t introduce myself and hang with Julie Gold.

    Cliff Eberhardt’s concert was fantastic as well.

    So, I moved back to Ohio, met Mrs. Wanders-to-be, and fell instantly in love. We went to a Nanci Griffith concert where she sang Julie Gold’s “Heaven.” We got married. Danced to “Heaven” at our wedding.

    I guess there’s more to the story, since Mrs. Wanders and I have seen several concerts over the years (Most recently, Cliff Eberhardt at a ridiculously little venue in Germantown, Maryland). But this entry has already gone on way too long. Suffice it to say, 1991 in New York City was a wonderful summer for me....

    ...But the best was yet to come.

    Sunday, October 14, 2007

    Mary Worth 42

    There is something so sinister in Von's quotation marks followed by that chilling black and yellow camera angle that I'm really quite fearful for Vera. The dramatic halo of alarm discharging from her blondeness divulges all. No doubt she has just opened shameful blackmail photos of Vera Shields and Drew Corey riding smallish horses together.

    Saturday, October 13, 2007

    Mary Worth 41

    AHHHHHHHH! Von, whatever you are picking up with your tiny little hand, please do NOT throw it at your dear sweet sister, Vera. Lead bricks are best left in their drawers. Speaking of drawers, please, Von, put on some pants!

    Wednesday, October 10, 2007

    Mary Worth 40

    I don't mean to be inappropriate in any way, but this is not the first time that her brother Von has prompted romantic thoughts in Vera (albeit they have always been about Drew; it's just Von shows up and Vera's thought balloons start getting all hot and bothered). This is getting a lot of discussion on the tawdry Internets, and I'm not going to make a big deal about it because this blog tries to remain rated PG at worst. I just wish the authors would steer clear of this association because it is CREEPING. ME. OUT!

    Tuesday, October 9, 2007

    Dinner and Drama

    Natalie Portman as Dawn Weston

    So, I invited Natalie and John over for dramatic readings of Closure. I think it went fairly well, except Natalie brought Dustin Hoffman with her; they're acting in some new movie together about a magical toy store called Mr. So-and-So's Magical Toy Emporium or some such. Hoffman wasn't really invited, but when Natalie Portman brings a guest, you are gracious. So, I handed out the scripts, and explained the characters and what the situation was. John Lithgow played Wilbur Weston and Natalie played Dawn Weston and I thought their reading was brilliant. Dustin starts clapping and then after a pause says to John Lithgow, "Tell me about Dawn's mother." John does a little improv developing some back story on his wife. But then Dustin starts grilling Lithgow: "Where was your first date? How long were you married? What was her most annoying habit? Does Dawn have the same annoying trait?" By the end of it, Lithgow was in tears crumpled on my living room carpet and crawling feebly under the piano.

    Hoffman turned to me and snarled, "You call yourself a director?" He took over. In the end, I was glad he did. It turns out that Dustin Hoffman is a huge Mary Worth fan. The second reading was so compelling and so powerful, and so far exceeded any of our expectations, that we all just wept when it was over. Then we group-hugged and sang, "What I Did for Love" from A Chorus Line while Dustin played the piano.

    Monday, October 8, 2007

    Mary Worth 39

    Here are some other memorable quotes from men Dawn Weston once knew:

    "I guess so."
    "Huh? What ever."
    "I don't know what you're talking about."
    "Are you insane?"
    "Put down that knife."

    Sunday, October 7, 2007

    Mary Worth 38

    I haven’t bothered to blog much about this week’s Dawn Weston scene. But I put the dialog into script format so you could prepare it for your Acting 101 class. I’ll offer a review after the show:

    (or Dawn Explores Her Feelings)
    A new play
    by Karen Moy

    Setting: The Weston condominium at the Charterstone Complex. Books line many shelves. Lamps and framed prints hearken back to 1962. Wilbur is seen comforting his daughter, Dawn, a student at UC Santa Royale.

    DAWN: Oh, Dad! What a fool I’ve been!

    WILBUR: No, Dawn! What a jerk Drew has been! (Wiping Dawn’s tears) You deserve better.

    DAWN: He lied and cheated on me! I don’t think anyone deserves that! Sigh. Maybe what happened between Drew and me was partly my fault.

    WILBUR: What do you mean?

    DAWN: I only saw what I wanted to! If my eyes were open going in, I wouldn’t be in this position!

    WILBUR: I wish you had told me about you and Drew from the start!

    DAWN: What difference would it have made? The outcome would have been the same!

    WILBUR: Maybe… Maybe not! In any case, I hope you know I’m always here for you!

    DAWN: I know, and I’m grateful Dad!

    WILBUR: You know you can talk to me about anything, don’t you?

    DAWN: Yes, of course! I just didn’t want to face your arguments! With Drew and me being in such different places in our lives, and the age difference…

    WILBUR: I probably would have expressed my disapproval, but knowing you, that wouldn’t have stopped you!

    DAWN: I really cared for Drew! Part of me still does… despite what happened! With him, I experienced real joy again! Even if it was only for a short while… I can’t regret that!

    (Flowers are delivered to the Weston apartment)

    WILBUR: Roses addressed to you Dawn!

    DAWN: What does the card say?

    WILBUR (reading): “Dawn. – I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. – Drew” Do you want me to throw them away?

    DAWN: No. Like my feelings for Dr. Drew Cory… the flowers will eventually fade and die. It’s just a matter of time.


    I think this works best with Natalie Portman and John Lithgow as Dawn and Wilbur respectively. I’ll have them over for Dinner and Drama tonight and let you know how it goes.

    Wednesday, October 3, 2007

    Mary Worth 37

    Either Dawn Weston, 21st Century College Co-Ed, continues to dress like my grandmother, or Wilbur Weston just spit up on her shoulder.

    Tuesday, October 2, 2007

    Mary Worth 36

    Dawn Weston, vigilante, launches an impassioned assault preventing Drew from ever breaking another heart. Whatever it takes Dawn. Whatever. It. Takes!

    Parents, this is going to get violent. No wonder Mary Worth has disappeared from family papers across the nation and is now only readable on the tawdry and immoral Internets.