Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Mary Worth 3058

Ouch, this hurts. In 1997, Volkswagen released its New Beetle and I was smitten, mostly for sentimental reasons. It took a few years, but in 2002, I bought a 1997 model in Ian Cameron Red. At first, I was a happy driver. But very soon, the love waned. The first problem was that the cup holders were under the dashboard without enough clearance to insert a can of soda without having to tip it far enough that it would spill. The car was mostly plastic, and over the years, pieces began to break and fall off. Sometimes, the electric windows would spontaneously open, and in the last few years, they'd open whenever you unlocked the car. Sometimes the electric systems would cut off, killing the engine and (dangerously) the power steering. When a couple of friends heard that I was going to junk it in 2015, they'd ask if they could buy it. I asked why, and they both said it was for their teenaged driver. I told them no, I didn't want to be responsible for their child's death.

So now I learn that I drove the same car as Ian for over 13 years. This is a very depressing day for me, but at least I was smart enough never to drive it on a bicycle path.

17 comments:

fauxprof said...

Interesting tale, Wanders. It’s one of the very few cars I can recognize on sight (along with the 1957 Chevy and a WWII era jeep). So I was surprised to see a VW bug in what appears to be such good condition. Ian may have acquired it after the parking lot incident when Hannah Dingdon rammed into his car, so the VW must have been a used car to begin with. Perhaps Old Man Wynter has been servicing it for him.

Or maybe June thought it was a fun car to draw, let alone imagining something Ian’s size folded up to fit inside it.

Anonymous said...


Ah, some much needed levity! I nearly LOLed when I saw that Ian crams himself into that little car every day. With that lardbutt in it, I'll bet it can't top 50 mph.

I'll also bet that Toby refuses to ride in it.

Maybe that's why he bought it.

-- Scottie McW.


Vince said...

You would think that someone who's been a college professor for umpteen decades would no longer be expressing relief over having given an accurate grade to a student, especially in Jannie's case, where it would be hard to justify anything other than the F he ultimately decided to give her.

LouiseF said...

The sunroof on this model is pretty extensive...Bet it doesn't meet NTSB crash test standards. If Ian rolls on Kelrast Curve (thanks, fauxprof!), Toby may soon be a marriageable widow...

Tim said...

I'm surprised Ian is driving a car as identifiable as a Wolksvagen. And he's complimenting himself for doing what any sentient being would do.

Regina Wolfe-Parks said...

That is some story about your VW Bug. It brought back memories of my ex-husband's Beetle. It was an orange 1973 Bug and he bought it for a song. Never mind that he was 6'3" and he had to squeeze his big body in this little car; it also had a bunch of mechanical problems just like yours, Wanders. He eventually sold it for another death trap, a 1971 Camaro that had a door that didn't close correctly.

Now on to the snark:

Don't pat yourself on the back Ian, you might break your arm. Of course you should have failed Jannie. She was giving you so much false flattery that would have made Eddie Haskell cringe and like a dope, you thought she was interested in you. You Ian, are an idiot. You can commiserate with Wilbur for falling for a femme fatale.

TimP said...

FWIW, Ian seems to be driving the second generation of the New Beatle.

As others have noted, Ian's self talk leaves a lot wanting. With that degree of vapidity in his internal monologue, he really should stick with Toby as they seem to truly be on the same level of depth.

Delilah said...

I really expected Professor Chinbeard to drive an Edsel. Or one of those really, really ugly boxy Chryslers/Plymouths from the '60's - early 70's. In a tasteful beige. With those clear plastic seat covers with a little raised design on them that would brand the backside of your legs for hours if you were wearing shorts.

Downpuppy said...

Our New Beetle was a yellow 2000. It ran well, and had plenty of power, but the problems with putting things into that shape were huge. The dash was massive, with very little room for your feet underneath. And the rear window - gah. You had to have anyone in back get into crash position to shut it without hitting them in the head. The storage behind the rear seats would fit about 2 toothbrushes.
And just try changing a battery!

Anonymous said...



@ Downpuppy

Haaaa! My wife has a Ford Focus, and I swear the people who designed that thing were thinking, "How can we make it almost impossible -- but not quite impossible -- for someone to change the battery."

-- S. McW.

KitKat said...

Wanders, the thought of you driving your Beetle and having the windows spontaneously open made me laugh out loud. Then you continued about the electrical systems cutting off and killing the engine - not at all amusing. That reminded me of the Plymouth Duster I owned that had an alarming tendency to stall on left turns - yikes! What a piece of junk that that car was! No wonder the Chrysler Corporation had big-time problems.

Question: What kind of educator praises himself as being "smart" to give a student who didn't complete an assignment a failing grade? Answer: A grade-A dope, a.k.a. Professor Ian "Doofus" Cameron

Nance said...

Today's (Unavoidably Late) Boldface Haiku is titled

"The Slogans Melania Turned Down".

(Be blatant!
Smart enough
Down not!)

KitKat said...

@Nance at 12:48 p.m., your BFH title is simply marvelous! No one had to tell you twice to be best!

LouiseF said...

I see Ian as more of the PT Cruiser type...

MissScarlet said...

Thank you Nance and KitKat. I swallowed just in time!

Maxwell Bacon said...

"Grade her down"?!?!?! Whaaaaaa...????? Does this mean that she didn't get a zero for turning in NOTHING? I wish we had teachers like Professor Cameron over here at Milford High!

Anonymous said...

Ah, Jannie...
- signs up for a class with a @$#(#UO old fart who she despises
- apparently then attends the class for weeks
- eventually shamelessly and persistently sucks up to the old fart to seduce him into not expecting her to hand in an assignment (ooh, so so evil)
- when he doesn't give her a really good mark for doing nothing at all, she goes bananas, eviscerates him and stomps off
- Chinbeard IS a schmuck. No wonder Jannie is disgusted.
- I'd like to see her take on Mary... Jannie could hang around Charterstone, suck up to Mary and Toby at the pool party, then lose her mind again, mash salmon squares into Mary's portrait of Jeff, blow vape smoke in their faces and push Ian into the pool fully dressed. Next stop, drive off in Ian's VW for her audition for the Real Coeds of Santa Royale reality show.

Eliza