Not quite rock bottom, Scottie. Mary could knock on the door with a plate of muffins, and Keith could invite her to join the (egad!) group hug. Then he could break into “(You’re) Havin’ My Baby.” THAT would be rock bottom.
Heading to that nothing but real meat burger place you said so many good things about dad! I have a date there with some pudgy middle-aged balding guy I just met online.
Everyone's comments had me snorting coffee this morning! KM certainly knows how to fan the embers of a going-nowhere plot into what promises to be a forest fire...
Fantastically hilarious/hilariously fantastic comments by you people! You’re batting 1.000 for February!
KM has stumbled into awful sitcom territory, complete with annoying laugh track— “HA HA!” It would have been even dopier if Sonia had said, “I’m attending an anti-military, anti-police peace rally later!” HA HA HA!!!
Um... KM? FYI - Pretty much the last anti-military, anti-war rallies held in the US were in 2003. Saying "Sorry Not Sorry" became popular in 2001. Get out much?
Being an eternal optimist, I had hoped that KM might wrap this tedium up in this week’s Sunday Summary. I think I’m doomed to disappointment. Oh, well, another week with Keith and his dysfunctional quasi-family is a week without Wilbur. Small blessings.
I’m predicting that Keith will command the stage and convert all the peace-niks to war lovers. They’ll leave the venue and rampage through the streets demanding action and engaging in slap fights. Fortunately there is one person present greater than Keith, a lady wearing a lavender shirt…she’ll grab the mike which she has conveniently stored in her purse, and order everyone to behave. Then she’ll distribute muffins to all.
“Mom’s Root Beer” — you are so amusing, KM! That’s so much funnier than “Tires Root Beer” would have been.
Keith and Sonia both like root beer and music. Isn’t that as definitive as a paternity test? I do hope he decides to broach the subject with Kitty, though. Her reaction should be entertaining. “Keith honey, you want to do WHAT??!! @#&$!!”
"WHAT???!!! First you abandon us, and now you accuse us of being lairs??? We managed very well before you came back, Mister Hillend, and we'll manage very well again. Good day, sir!"
[Keith thought balloon] "Hmmm, that could have gone better."
Meanwhile, Sonia sees BradHat at the rally. He tells her that he had to leave because Keith threatened his life. He said that Keith will probably make up a bunch of lies about him. Sonia is furious.
Mary gets wind of all this and decides this is too much for even her, so she fakes a headache to avoid answering her door.
Feel free to use any of these ideas, KM. Gotta be better than what you've got planned.
I'm well aware that every person in the entire world loves root beer. That's a given. But seriously, Keith, what on earth were the chances that you'd run into someone else who actually loves music??!! That HAS to prove Sonia is your daughter. It's cosmic!
This will be entertaining (well, we can always hope). How on earth will he get a dna sample from Sonia. Spit on a Mom's root beer can? Fingernail on a guitar string? Or maybe like hmmmm.... suggests, Sonia gets injured at the rally and Keith gets to wipe off her bloody head.
I don't know the finer points of DNA testing, but by holding that can that way, hasn't Keith already contaminated it before he even sends it to Old Pal Sal?
Welp, I guess we’re in for another few weeks—maybe months. Stay tuned for “CSI: Charterstone”. (Why didn’t he insist on a paternity test when Sonia first showed up and screamed at him?)
Another chortle-ful day, courtesy of all of you. My first thought, fauxprof, was exactly what you wondered. Running a paternity test now seems dunderheaded, but we're talking Keith here,not the sharpest pencil in the box. And was it Sonia's planned attendance at a peace rally that made him question their relationship? Last time I checked, affinity for peace wasn't a genetic trait.
I agree, Scottie. After seeing how Keith is handling that can, I think we can safely assume that his duties as a Police Officer didn't include crime scene investigation. I can't wait to see Keith's face when Sal gets back to him with the news that he's related to himself.
Ah ha! The old Mom's Root Beer trick! Assuming that Sonia left saliva on that can (that's a really big assume), Keith will get the news that she is.....or isn't related to him. When I did 23 and Me I had to fill a test tube with spit. Guess lots of advances have been made.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the results will come back that Sonia is not Keith's daughter. However, he's so excited (desperate?) to have a family that he'll run straight to Mary and talk it through with her and the ultimate decision will be to not tell anyone and go along with the ruse.
Frank Booth - I think you're right. I thought the same thing. But then I wondered how Keith would feel about Kitty now, knowing that he wasn't the only possible father. Doesn't that put her in a rather unfortunate light?
OK, I'll be the contrarian. Keith will find out that Sonia is his daughter, but he will make the mistake of mentioning it to Kitty. The S**t will his the proverbial fan and that will be the end. Or not.
Scottie, you hit the snarkpot with your comments! The more I think about it, I can't really imagine Keith as a long term Worthiverse character. He retired and moved into a condo in an old folks building when he's clearly got a good number of swinging bachelor years to go. If Kitty rejects him, I smell a midlife crisis and a relocation to Mexico in his future.
This is why this strip survives: NO ONE (with the possible exception of Mr. Allora or the occasional waiter) ever thinks like an adult or acts like one.
It’s always up to u-know-who to hear the evidence, analyze the possible paths of action, and direct the humble petitioner to do the correct thing. Her reward: Victory Tour. No one in this strip will ever think to call an ambulance, the police, a shrink…without counseling by Mary.
Therefore, I am forming, and will lead, the SYDMMC (Shut Your Dern Mouth Mary Committee) in order to ease the “Charterstone 20” from their reliance on She Who Must Not Be Named.
Point well taken, meg. Perhaps Mary spikes her foods with a substance that makes normally functioning adults totally helpless without her assistance. Mr. Allora is the only person at Charterstone who figured things out. He dumps Mary’s muffins, banana bread, tuna noodle casserole, etc. in the trash on the sly.
Scottie, your Keith-Sal conversation cracked me up!
Now, on to Alabama:
Kitty: “Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, this is Keith Hillend, Sonia’s father.”
Keith: [Clears throat loudly] “Well, uh um Kitty, I’d been meaning to talk to you about something, but there just wasn’t time on our drive from Santa Royale to the south [cough cough]….”
“And as long as we’re down South, we’ll stop in to see my cousins Lum and Abner, my Aunt Loweezy and my Uncle Snuffy, my college boyfriend Abner Yoakum, his wife Daisy Mae, and his dear Mammy who was a second mother to me, Sonia’s cousins Jughaid and P’ok Chop…It’ll be great, there’ll be a Schmoo barbecue, served with Kickapoo Joy Juice…”
Keith: “Gosh, dear, I’ve just realized that I’m going to be busy for the next few weeks, washing my hair, picking my teeth, driving Mary Worth to the hairdresser…timing is bad, so sorry.”
If they drive to Alabama, will Keith have his banjo on his knee, and will Sonia sit in the back seat and ask “Are we there yet? How much farther?” every eight minutes?
Keith’s new family will be happily celebrating the engagement when a call comes in from old pal Sal. “Hey Keith, I got the results back from the DNA test you wanted me to run on…lemme see…oh,, year, Sonia…”.
Unfortunately, Keith had him on speaker, so it doesn’t matter what the results are. Kitty and Sonia storm out. Can Mary fix it? Keep tuning in for the next few months, provided we aren’t all comatose by then.
I agree with KitKat. Manhandling a pop can and mailing it in a Ziploc bag somewhere doesn't strike me as the most sterile or scientific of procedures. And who knows what Ol' Pal Sal did with it?
Nevertheless, this won't stop Keith from taking the negative result as gospel. So how will he broach this topic delicately? It will be interesting to find out, keeping in mind that the precise meaning of "interesting" in this strip is highly relative, even if Sonia isn't.
While trying to decide what to do, Keith wrote a song:
"Kitty" (to be sung to the tune of "Isn't She Lovely?")
Isn't she sneaky? Isn't she deceitful? Isn't she cheeky? And hypocritical I never thought that sweet Kitty Would con a clown as dumb as me She made me think that kid was mine Always explaining Why she could not marry While entertaining Tom, Dick, and ol’ Harry I can't believe what she has done I should have known enough to run She made me think that kid was mine Isn't she hateful? She knew I’d want a kid Thought I’d be grateful Until I met Sonia, I did Why did you tell her it was me? When you’ve no idea who it could be I can’t believe I’m such a schmuck Shucks!
Keith phones Kitty and gets passive-aggressive. "Sorry, something's come up. I won't be able to go to Alabama to see your REAL relatives with you and YOUR daughter."
So, we all know something is very fishy about this. Of course, Keith isn't behaving ethically. Must be all that Marine Corp and police training coming to the fore. Meanwhile, Kitty would certainly have a very good idea about who the father is, since Moy hasn't given us any clue that she's a run-around-girl. I know, let's blame everything on Sal.
Meg has asked me to explain to everyone just what’s going on. As I’m sure we all recall, Keith and Sonia shared a root beer at their first meeting, agreeing that the brand was the best, costly, but worth it. That brand was not “Mom’s” (nor was it A&W, nor Barqs, nor (ironically) Dad’s, nor (amusingly) Not Your Dad’s, (but I’m at least 157 years old and can’t remember what it was).
Keith the root beer savant would never have bought (pronounced with a sneer) “Mom’s”.
I think that Mom (Kitty) bought “Mom’s” (beverage) and that’s Mom’s dna on the “Mom’s” can.
Now, gotta run- I’m going to Record City to buy Taylor Swift’s new LP record. Toodle-oo!
Gosh golly gee, would Wanders unretire if he found out that Mary herself reads this blog? Argh, on second thought, maybe that's why he retired in the first place.
And now for something completely different: I wonder if Santa Royale still has it indoor soccer team. Any other MW veterans remember that?
Oh no, it’s a recycled panel of Mary and her mad muffin manufacturing. She spends an awful amount of time obsessing about Keith. Does Jeff know about this?
Mary's actions belie her words. Her meddle alarm went off this morning, and she immediately dove into another muffin-baking frenzy (there's at least two dozen there). She knows something is not right. She always knows.
Meanwhile, are we to believe that Sonia just sat there smiling while Keith and Kitty gorged on fistfuls of pepperoni pizza? I think not.
Mary’s muffins always look raw and unbaked. Not underbaked, just completely unbaked. I don’t fault June for this, (I draw a little, myself), but someone needs to have a word with the colorist.
While I know for a fact that there is such a thing as vegan pepperoni (carried at my local Bristol Farms) there is no way that Keith would be all that happy about it.
Also, I gotta say, vegan cheese hasn't quite risen to the standard yet. I do provide it at my pizza parties for my nephew and his partner, but truly, my dogs won't eat it when some drops on the floor. That's really saying something.
Keith spends more time eating than maybe any other character in the Worthiverse besides Wilbur. Those "happy times" (involving food) will likely lead to his deciding to take on the role of dad, despite his not being Sonia's dad. He really wants one of those "#1 Dad" tee shirts on Father's Day...
1.She can’t be my daughter! 2.Maybe she is my daughter but I can’t stand her. 3.She’s my daughter, and I think I can stand her because of Kitty. 4.She’s my daughter and I have a family! 5.Everything is perfect, I have it all! 6.Maybe she’s not my daughter. 7.She’s not my daughter, so I can’t love her now.
Looks to me like Mary's moody and depressed, so she's giving herself a pep talk and is gonna sit down and eat two dozen muffins by herself to see if that helps.
What in blazes does "thinking positive" or "living in the moment" have to do with anything here? Once Mary turns her Muffin Love Ray on Keith, she's going to get an earful about how no amount of "thinking positive" is going to turn Sonia into his daughter, and the only moment he's living in is a disturbing one.
Kudos to LouiseF for calling things on Thursday! Keith has decided to throw caution and his ol’ pal Sal to the wind and will instead live a lie. Have fun, and get ready to start paying Sonia’s tuition, Keith!
If Wilbur had been like Keith when Wilbur’s Not Son, Kurt, showed up, Dawn could have had a brother all these years.
As they're tooling along I-20 toward Alabama in Keith's gas-guzzling Jeep, Sonia cheerily pipes up from the back seat. "By the way, Keith, you're not really my Dad. We made that up! My real Dad's in prison. Gotcha!" And they all had a big laugh.
I love it! We didn't even have to suffer through Mary's sympathetic gaze at Keith over muffins and tea as he relayed his sad tale of non-fatherhood. Just a nice "delete" to rid himself of any pesky thoughts. Mary's telepathically delivered bromides did the trick unconsciously. Now if only that "delete" key works on Mary's coming victory lap...
Keith does seem like a "don't rock the boat" kind of guy. All those years following orders, many of which were probably ludicrous, has him primed to ignore reality. Little does he know that Mary has added truth serum to the muffins she is about to bring to his door.
I do wonder where this is going too @fauxprof. I'm gonna guess that somehow he finds out that she really is his daughter. Muffin spit? Fingernail clippings? Birth certificate? Red Cross blood donations?
Hey, Keith. Sylvania called and they want their dim bulbs back. Okay, go on and pretend that Sonia's your kid. Fine by me. But aren't we leaving out the part where Kitty implied you were the only possible father?
Research results have just been released by laboratory technicians in the Mom’s Root Beer factory. After consulting with the FBI, the scientists have been able to confirm that traces of human DNA can be destroyed by drops of Mom’s root beer.
An accidental spill in the interrogation room at the Bug Tussle, Texas, police station has been found to have eradicated DNA left on a cold drink dispenser from the local McMuffins franchise. Officers had hoped to confirm the identity of which third grader had obtained a refill of Delaware Punch without paying for it (the answer is every last third grader, Officer).
Now the thief will go unpunished, as will every axe murderer, shoplifter, and pickpocket who has the nous to take Mom’s along when out on a crime spree. It is unknown as yet how many villains are aware of this (all of them, now, Officer), and if other soft drinks have the same properties.
I seem to recall that Kitty had been telling Sonia about Keith her whole life. The BradHat thing is a little weird, but I attributed it to dumb Kitty trying to make Sonia happy. Although Keith should keep his mouth shut, we all know he probably won't. Of course Mom's root beer makes DNA disappear (thanks for reminding us Meg) and Sal has early stage dementia, which Keith would know, if he ever visited him.
1. Car crash 2. Injury 3. Blood transfusion needed. 4. Sonia perfect match. 5. Keith survives. 6. Good ol’ Sal loses accreditation. 7. Once again, Mary saves the day.
Alternate story line: Keith arrives to find a frantic Kitty. Sonia has been diagnosed with end-stage kidney disease, despite showing no symptoms. (Thurs out she’s violently allergic to vegan cuisine.). The hospital, working at lightning speed, has determined that Kitty is not a match for the urgently needed transplant. Hands clasped, lip trembling, tears impending, Kitty pleads, “Keith, you must save our daughter.”
Oh! @meg and @fauxprof: I like the way you are thinking. Sonia is allergic to tofu and nuts, but didn't realize it until she began eating them in such large quantities. Keith obviously has some hideous disease that is eating his face. They will save each other!!
Does this mean that we'll never find out who Sonia's real father is? Oh well. I'm placing my bet on Prince Harry. He's around 40 now. Maybe he was in Santa "Royale" 20 years ago and Sonia is half-princess.
Chin up, Keith! With Mary and her muffins on the premises, you’ll never be lonely again. Truth be told, after a couple more weeks of that, you might prefer to go back to Lonely Town.
I think we’re headed for meg’s car crash scenario. Keith shows signs of distracted driving, and Mary utters an ominous platitude. Or, I may be reading a lot more into this than it merits.
Did I miss the part where Keith was serving as an undercover op in the Ukraine? And since Kitty and Sonia hadn't heard from him in two years, they'd assumed he'd been captured and killed? I can't think of any other explanation for the two of them to go bolting out of the house when he pulled up at the end of their mysteriously shrunken walkway.
What victory lap? It seems that most of Mary's observations have been made inside her head. Since Keith has come up with the same conclusions as Mary, it seems this plot is a victory for ESP. Apparently KM has not figured out how to portray Mary's telepathic skills, which is too bad. They could have come in handy during the pandemic. Cue the sunset cruise on the embarrassingly big boat with Dr. Jeff.
Poor Toby. Mary is not so subtly telling her that she's going to have to find some other tight end to spy on with the binoculars she snagged from the teachers' storage closet after Ian got Helen Moss fired. Maybe she can talk Ian into dying his hair red and trading in his chinbeard for a mustache? Probably wouldn't help much. His saggy Sansabelt pants are not the things trophy wives fantasize about.
Is this supposed to be a 'feel good' ending? I hope not.
Keith had Sonia's DNA tested without her consent, he let her think her boyfriend just randomly decided to ghost her, and now he's pretending to be her father. Doesn't she deserve to know who her real father might be?
Ooooh all the evasiveness. "She seems to have found [a father] one" and "good for [them]....I guess". Is there an Aha here...or is KM just leading us on again?
@Garnet, well put. Keith has done his share of untrustworthy nonsense. He really has no business doubting Kitty for anything.
Mary's comment that it looks like Sonia had "found one" makes me think she knows Sonia's DNA failed the Sal test. If Mary really thought Keith was Sonia's father, wouldn't she have said "It looks like she found HIM?" I see Toby is shilling for KM to bring slacking readers up to speed about the, ahem, plot. Charterstone is so boring, only Mary keeps up with the soap opera that is her neighbors' lives.
Dear God. This plotline is degenerating into such intolerable drivel that I've entered consultations with Michael Crichton and the Santa Royale University Department of Genetics to design a gripping new plot twist that will rescue the strip.
Inspired by the unusual real-life case of Lydia Fairchild, we learn that Sonia exhibits genetic chimerism, with cells of various tissues in her body having two distinct populations of DNA. Just as Keith contemplates calling BradHat to extricate himself from his "chosen family", Mary unearths an article in the New England Journal of Medicine and deduces that Sonia's oral epithelial cells from the surrepitious root beer were a red-haired red herring. One confirmatory pap smear later, the family is reunited and move to Taft, never to be seen again.
It has everything: an inexplicable deus ex machina cop-out, drama ripped from the headlines (of 2002), and a sorely needed opportunity for meddling and victory laps. We're sending the script treatment to Karen Moy by Fedex - wish us luck. (Sadly, I think we all know the only thing she reads is Parade Magazine.)
My snark supply is on empty. If Wanders ever has second thoughts about retiring (I bet not), this “plot” would make him breathe a sigh of relief that he decided to bid adieu.
My apologies, Dr. Cameron, but I was unable to read your synopsis. Undoubtedly, whatever plot you and Mr. Crichton fabricated has to be far superior to anything that KM has ever come up with or could even imagine. However, at first glance, seeing the words "pap smear" in close proximity to the name "Mary Worth" was simply too much for me and I had to make a hasty visit to my water closet.
MissScarlet, I’m wondering about the revolting substance Mary is ladling out today. What in blazes is that stuff? Mary’s attempt at some type of chili?
Oh, Toby, I wouldn’t eat that. Nobody would eat that. What in hell is that stuff? Castor bean chili? Stewed slugs and humus, straight from the garden? I can’t even deal with Keith learning “farrier skills” right now…
KitKat and fauxprof - Mary finally cleaned out her refrigerator and made chili using the leftover gray corned beef from last year's St. Patrick's Day meal.
Rejoice! KM favored us with something new and mildly interesting! It's Mary's famous Gray Gruel, an old family recipe handed down from the Middle Ages. You don't want to know what's in it.
I agree with @fauxprof. "Farrier skills" has thrown me for a bit of a loop too. I'm just gonna leave that one be for now.
According to the Google, being a farrier requires veterinary knowledge and blacksmithing and business skills. It’s a cinch that Keith acquired all that in the marines and on the police force. He’ll be hanging out his shingle by April 1st.
Kit Kat, I love it. We had a horse shoeing school near by. It is true, foot anatomy is extremely important so you don't irreparably injure the horse. Also, there has to knowledge about how to make orthopedic shoes. It took almost a year of daily training to teach a person. No doubt Keith is on the fast track.
The Comics Kingdom time warp continues. Suprise! Mary doesn't die from her stew (that's what Toby calls it) and after she's done with Toby she's gonna tell Jeff all about Keith. Hoo boy! Exciting or what? Will Dr. Jeff suggest a real DNA test? I doubt it.
Why have we never heard about this horse shoeing stuff before? Maybe he was with the mounted police? I don't think the Marines have cavalry.
Great, green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher meat. Marinated monkey meat. Chopped up baby parakeet. Swimming in a bowl of blood, and I forgot my spoon. Nothing left to say that a camp song won't cover here.
I agree with @KitKat. Today's snark has been top notch! Kudos to LouiseF for her camp song. Made me literally laugh out loud.
Now for something completely different: "Even though Keith seems to be a conventional, serious man -- you know, unlike Ian -- I've come to like him -- you know, unlike Ian."
Rumor has it that Toby's most practiced skill is drinking. Those of us who have seen her "art" know all about her 'hobby'.
By the way, @anon, I'm sorry to have to say that UCSB (adjacent to Goleta) has very fine stables and students are welcome to board horses there. Western Union? I have no idea. But as a graduate of UCSB, it wouldn't surprise me if some nerdy student set up a telegraph just for fun.
What does Toby normally eat that makes Mary's cooking look good? Roadkill that's been sitting in the sun for over a week? It looks like Mary prepared either gray, lumpy gruel, or some sort of wet cement/gravel mixture.
@fauxprof, we need Dr. Victor Frankenstein to trumpet, “It’s alive! It’s alive!”
“Toby dear, one doesn’t ‘take up another skill.’ Why don’t you just stick with painting clown portraits, sculpting clay animals, and mixing vodka stingers?”
Does a week of platitudes (accompanied by scary food) constitute a victory lap? Are we done with Keith? Will the Sunday summary provide enlightenment and/or closure? Is anybody there? Does anybody care?
The punctuation authorities inform me that I have exceeded my question mark allowance. Apologies.
Mary - Stuart Smalley's already got the daily affirmations covered. Let's move along to something more productive please - maybe start with the recipe for that gray gruel?
Follow your own advice, KM. With the exception of Thursday's exciting strip, featuring the Magical Mystery Meal and the introduction of "farrier skills," this strip has produced nothing new in weeks. It's stagnating, KM. Try some new endeavors already. Sheesh!
Sorry Scottie, it's not gonna happen anytime soon. I don't know why this story keeps spinning in place, but it's not stopping any time soon. It appears that Toby has opted for a vodka shot instead of the 'stew'. Wise choice.
Sooo…we’re done with Keith? Or do we have another week of Mary telling Jeff all about it over salmon at the Bum Boat? (Followed by a moonlight boat ride, giving Mary a chance to elucidate further on a guy Jeff has never met or heard of.)
Visit the botanic gardens? Boy, Jeff will do anything to try to get . . . um, canoodled. But since he's just had his hair freshly painted, he might as well not waste it.
So, Dr. Jeff is allergic to cats, doesn't really enjoy flowers, has white spots on his fruit and (as Scottie pointed out) paints his hair. Is this guy really boyfriend material?
Ha haaaaa, KM deked us! We thought we were done with this dreck and moving on to the next dreck, but she pulled the ol' switcheroo. Well played, KM. You got us.
KM switched it up! Instead of the Bum Boat we get the Arboretum, but the victory lap goes on as planned. Buckle up, Dr. Jeff. You’re about to be bored to near catatonia, without the comfort of Surf’n’Turf.
“Jeff, some varieties bloom early. Unlike some pathetic middle aged doctors I could mention who are perpetually mooning around like some awkward pimple faced teen. And it’s definitely not due to global warming, that’s even more of a scam than COVID was.”
For someone who thinks flowers are Mary's thing, Jeff is savvy enough to notice that the cherry trees are blooming early. Maybe he is a scientist after all. Hmmm... Keith Hillend, DNA, cherry trees. Somehow I think Mary is going to find out that Keith is sitting on some truths he's not sharing.
It’s Bible Bingo, with Mary and Jeff. This might be a first; let’s hope it’s a last.
Jeff seems way too interested in learning more about Keith Hillend. If this was someone other than Jeff, I’d think this might be sarcasm, but Jeff’s incapable of mustering that. He’s even wearing a purple shirt to be matchy-matchy with his best girl.
1,697 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 1201 – 1400 of 1697 Newer› Newest»Root beer and a kiss.
What could be better than this?
Oh, Keith, what a guy.
Aw shucks and oh my!
"Ha ha! Terrific!"
Said no one ever after hearing a song, was she even in the room?
Com'on, KM. Cut the shucks and start a new story.
Oh gag me with a front-end loader.
On the bright side, folks, it looks like we've officially hit rock bottom. So now this dreck can only get bet . . . uh, less bad, right?
Right?
-- Scottie
Not quite rock bottom, Scottie. Mary could knock on the door with a plate of muffins, and Keith could invite her to join the (egad!) group hug. Then he could break into “(You’re) Havin’ My Baby.” THAT would be rock bottom.
Sheesh, laying it on a little thick.
I think Keith laced Sonia's root beer with drugs, a little trick he learned from "the Man".
KitKat is, of course, correct. Every time we think things can't get worse . . . well, you know.
-- Scottie
Moy is just playing with us now. How low can she go?
“WHERE are you off to, Sonia?”
A. “An old lady we ran into in the lobby offered to teach me muffin making.”
B. “I’m going to the Armed Forces Recruiting Center.”
C. I’m meeting Brad for dinner at some place called All Beef.”
Yes, where is Sonia off to? Communist Party meeting? Antifa riot? Police protest? RFK Jr. rally?
And how will Keith react to it? With overt fury? Silent disgust? Controlled paternal advice?
Wow, I don't think we've had this much reason to be excited since Wilbur pitched over the rail of that cruise ship!
-- Scottie
I think KitKat has it. She’s either headed for the Marine Corps recruiter, or applying to the Police Academy.
Heading to that nothing but real meat burger place you said so many good things about dad! I have a date there with some pudgy middle-aged balding guy I just met online.
Everyone's comments had me snorting coffee this morning! KM certainly knows how to fan the embers of a going-nowhere plot into what promises to be a forest fire...
Be still my heart. The revolution is back on!
“I’m off to join Green Peas to fight the whales!”
I hope she says that she's got an appointment with her hairdresser to re-do the red color job.
"Sonia, we'd better get going."
Does that mean that Kitty is going to the rally too?
"Please don't take this personally, Dad, but I despise everything you stand for."
"Well, have a good time. I hope you're all arrested and thrown in the hole. Did I say that out loud?"
-- Scottie
She just called him "Dad" !!!
Keith could have heard her say 'set off a bomb' and he wouldn't care if she said, "Dad".
Of course Moy let us down again. Nothing new here. Time to move along.
Fantastically hilarious/hilariously fantastic comments by you people! You’re batting 1.000 for February!
KM has stumbled into awful sitcom territory, complete with annoying laugh track— “HA HA!” It would have been even dopier if Sonia had said, “I’m attending an anti-military, anti-police peace rally later!” HA HA HA!!!
Um... KM? FYI - Pretty much the last anti-military, anti-war rallies held in the US were in 2003. Saying "Sorry Not Sorry" became popular in 2001. Get out much?
Finish Keith's thought bubble!
I wonder... when the results of that paternity test will arrive.
Being an eternal optimist, I had hoped that KM might wrap this tedium up in this week’s Sunday Summary. I think I’m doomed to disappointment. Oh, well, another week with Keith and his dysfunctional quasi-family is a week without Wilbur. Small blessings.
I wonder....if I should contact Rosie in Goleta. Maybe I have another....
I wonder....is it too late to claim Sonia on my taxes.
I wonder....if Sonia would like to go to the shooting range.
I wonder....where the yellow went (yes, I am that old).
@fauxprof: you said it. A week without Wilbur is a week of sunshine and sangria.
I wonder . . . what STEVIE Wonder would think about all this. After all, up until now, this has been a Wonder-full day.
-- Scottie
I wonder... if I should follow Sonia to that rally, just in case.
I'm predicting that someone at the peace rally will jump ugly and in some lame fashion, Keith will save Sonia's life.
I’m predicting that Keith will command the stage and convert all the peace-niks to war lovers. They’ll leave the venue and rampage through the streets demanding action and engaging in slap fights. Fortunately there is one person present greater than Keith, a lady wearing a lavender shirt…she’ll grab the mike which she has conveniently stored in her purse, and order everyone to behave. Then she’ll distribute muffins to all.
“Mom’s Root Beer” — you are so amusing, KM! That’s so much funnier than “Tires Root Beer” would have been.
Keith and Sonia both like root beer and music. Isn’t that as definitive as a paternity test? I do hope he decides to broach the subject with Kitty, though. Her reaction should be entertaining. “Keith honey, you want to do WHAT??!! @#&$!!”
When Keith broaches the subject with Kitty:
"WHAT???!!! First you abandon us, and now you accuse us of being lairs??? We managed very well before you came back, Mister Hillend, and we'll manage very well again. Good day, sir!"
[Keith thought balloon] "Hmmm, that could have gone better."
Meanwhile, Sonia sees BradHat at the rally. He tells her that he had to leave because Keith threatened his life. He said that Keith will probably make up a bunch of lies about him. Sonia is furious.
Mary gets wind of all this and decides this is too much for even her, so she fakes a headache to avoid answering her door.
Feel free to use any of these ideas, KM. Gotta be better than what you've got planned.
-- Scottie
I'm well aware that every person in the entire world loves root beer. That's a given. But seriously, Keith, what on earth were the chances that you'd run into someone else who actually loves music??!! That HAS to prove Sonia is your daughter. It's cosmic!
Do Keith and Sonia both like colors?
After all this bull we had to suffer through...he is still wondering?
This will be entertaining (well, we can always hope). How on earth will he get a dna sample from Sonia. Spit on a Mom's root beer can? Fingernail on a guitar string? Or maybe like hmmmm.... suggests, Sonia gets injured at the rally and Keith gets to wipe off her bloody head.
Monday
Is Keith putting the can of root beer in a zip bag? Also, his hair looks like a piece of bad carpet.
His “ol’ pal Sal,” who owes him. Sal will follow Sonia around to try to get a DNA sample. Sounds simple and legit, right?
I don't know the finer points of DNA testing, but by holding that can that way, hasn't Keith already contaminated it before he even sends it to Old Pal Sal?
-- Scottie
Welp, I guess we’re in for another few weeks—maybe months. Stay tuned for “CSI: Charterstone”. (Why didn’t he insist on a paternity test when Sonia first showed up and screamed at him?)
I wish Keith would instead choose to go on The Maury show and get the test results via daytime TV!
Another chortle-ful day, courtesy of all of you. My first thought, fauxprof, was exactly what you wondered. Running a paternity test now seems dunderheaded, but we're talking Keith here,not the sharpest pencil in the box. And was it Sonia's planned attendance at a peace rally that made him question their relationship? Last time I checked, affinity for peace wasn't a genetic trait.
I agree, Scottie. After seeing how Keith is handling that can, I think we can safely assume that his duties as a Police Officer didn't include crime scene investigation. I can't wait to see Keith's face when Sal gets back to him with the news that he's related to himself.
Ah ha! The old Mom's Root Beer trick! Assuming that Sonia left saliva on that can (that's a really big assume), Keith will get the news that she is.....or isn't related to him. When I did 23 and Me I had to fill a test tube with spit. Guess lots of advances have been made.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the results will come back that Sonia is not Keith's daughter. However, he's so excited (desperate?) to have a family that he'll run straight to Mary and talk it through with her and the ultimate decision will be to not tell anyone and go along with the ruse.
Frank Booth - I think you're right. I thought the same thing. But then I wondered how Keith would feel about Kitty now, knowing that he wasn't the only possible father. Doesn't that put her in a rather unfortunate light?
"Sal, I need a favor."
"Oh no, not another paternity test! What are we up to now, four? Six? Ten? Exactly how many women did you love and leave?"
"What can I say? Chicks dig the red AstroTurf implant on my head."
-- Scottie
Hmmm... that where the Keith's "desperate" part comes in.
OK, I'll be the contrarian. Keith will find out that Sonia is his daughter, but he will make the mistake of mentioning it to Kitty. The S**t will his the proverbial fan and that will be the end. Or not.
Scottie, you hit the snarkpot with your comments! The more I think about it, I can't really imagine Keith as a long term Worthiverse character. He retired and moved into a condo in an old folks building when he's clearly got a good number of swinging bachelor years to go. If Kitty rejects him, I smell a midlife crisis and a relocation to Mexico in his future.
This is why this strip survives: NO ONE (with the possible exception of Mr. Allora or the occasional waiter) ever thinks like an adult or acts like one.
It’s always up to u-know-who to hear the evidence, analyze the possible paths of action, and direct the humble petitioner to do the correct thing. Her reward: Victory Tour. No one in this strip will ever think to call an ambulance, the police, a shrink…without counseling by Mary.
Therefore, I am forming, and will lead, the SYDMMC (Shut Your Dern Mouth Mary Committee) in order to ease the “Charterstone 20” from their reliance on She Who Must Not Be Named.
Point well taken, meg. Perhaps Mary spikes her foods with a substance that makes normally functioning adults totally helpless without her assistance. Mr. Allora is the only person at Charterstone who figured things out. He dumps Mary’s muffins, banana bread, tuna noodle casserole, etc. in the trash on the sly.
Scottie, your Keith-Sal conversation cracked me up!
Now, on to Alabama:
Kitty: “Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, this is Keith Hillend, Sonia’s father.”
Keith: [Clears throat loudly] “Well, uh um Kitty, I’d been meaning to talk to you about something, but there just wasn’t time on our drive from Santa Royale to the south [cough cough]….”
Uh-oh, it looks like we're in for six more weeks of Hillend.
-- Phil from PA
Keith's thought bubble; (That waterfall with the cliff overlook is only a few hundred yards away...)
Alabama!!?? Good Grief! There are no red heads in Alabama! Everyone knows that! Gingers were outlawed decades ago.
That hike appears to have shrunk Keith's head again so his hulk-sized body dominates.
“And as long as we’re down South, we’ll stop in to see my cousins Lum and Abner, my Aunt Loweezy and my Uncle Snuffy, my college boyfriend Abner Yoakum, his wife Daisy Mae, and his dear Mammy who was a second mother to me, Sonia’s cousins Jughaid and P’ok Chop…It’ll be great, there’ll be a Schmoo barbecue, served with Kickapoo Joy Juice…”
Keith: “Gosh, dear, I’ve just realized that I’m going to be busy for the next few weeks, washing my hair, picking my teeth, driving Mary Worth to the hairdresser…timing is bad, so sorry.”
Barbecue Shmoo, not Schmoo…
Oh no! My worst fear. Keith will be injured and need a transfusion.
If they drive to Alabama, will Keith have his banjo on his knee, and will Sonia sit in the back seat and ask “Are we there yet? How much farther?” every eight minutes?
And KM mails in another one.
-- Scottie
These two are delirious. Are they anywhere near that waterfall Iris and Zak frequented? Kind of looks like the background...
Is that Pikadee Falls I hear?
Is that a cliff I see?
Is that a rattlesnake in the poison ivy over there?
Is that ole' Keith having a heart attack?
Keith’s new family will be happily celebrating the engagement when a call comes in from old pal Sal. “Hey Keith, I got the results back from the DNA test you wanted me to run on…lemme see…oh,, year, Sonia…”.
Unfortunately, Keith had him on speaker, so it doesn’t matter what the results are. Kitty and Sonia storm out. Can Mary fix it? Keep tuning in for the next few months, provided we aren’t all comatose by then.
Yes, I agree @fauxprof. Somehow Keith will open his stupid mouth and reveal the DNA test. But, Mary or not, somehow they will muddle through.
Keep movin'. Nothing more to see here.
I was going to say that love is in the air....but then I noticed the forest fire behind them. Looks more like floating embers now.
“My neighbor said the same thing to me the other day!”
“Neighbor? What neighbor?! Have you been talking about me to people I don’t know? How dare you! I hate you, Mr. Hillend! You’re a big jerk!”
Uh oh, and just before Valentine’s Day.
Ol’ pal Sal runs a “lab” in a closet and doesn’t supply any data, but he doesn’t charge a fee, either. Seems reliable to me!
I agree with KitKat. Manhandling a pop can and mailing it in a Ziploc bag somewhere doesn't strike me as the most sterile or scientific of procedures. And who knows what Ol' Pal Sal did with it?
Nevertheless, this won't stop Keith from taking the negative result as gospel. So how will he broach this topic delicately? It will be interesting to find out, keeping in mind that the precise meaning of "interesting" in this strip is highly relative, even if Sonia isn't.
-- Scottie
While trying to decide what to do, Keith wrote a song:
"Kitty" (to be sung to the tune of "Isn't She Lovely?")
Isn't she sneaky?
Isn't she deceitful?
Isn't she cheeky?
And hypocritical
I never thought that sweet Kitty
Would con a clown as dumb as me
She made me think that kid was mine
Always explaining
Why she could not marry
While entertaining
Tom, Dick, and ol’ Harry
I can't believe what she has done
I should have known enough to run
She made me think that kid was mine
Isn't she hateful?
She knew I’d want a kid
Thought I’d be grateful
Until I met Sonia, I did
Why did you tell her it was me?
When you’ve no idea who it could be
I can’t believe I’m such a schmuck
Shucks!
Yaaaay @ hmmmm. Terrific lyrics!
Is it really ethical to have someone's DNA analyzed without their consent or knowledge? This seems sketchy.
@hmmm -- Excellent!
Isn't she not mine /
Isn't she not my kid . . .
-- Scottie
Good lyrics, hmmm!
Sal’s the best in his field? Is DNA testing a competitive event?
The sight of Keith’s massive arms is stomach turning - ugh.
Sonia will be pleased as punch when she finds out how the old man used her Mom’s root beer can.
Keith phones Kitty and gets passive-aggressive. "Sorry, something's come up. I won't be able to go to Alabama to see your REAL relatives with you and YOUR daughter."
-- Scottie
The "best" in the field of human genetics isn't going to test a person's DNA and release the results to a third party without the person's consent.
"Sal" likely just threw the can away and made something up.
So, we all know something is very fishy about this. Of course, Keith isn't behaving ethically. Must be all that Marine Corp and police training coming to the fore. Meanwhile, Kitty would certainly have a very good idea about who the father is, since Moy hasn't given us any clue that she's a run-around-girl. I know, let's blame everything on Sal.
I can't wait till Keith tells Mary about this.
Hello, everyone. Mary Worth here.
Meg has asked me to explain to everyone just what’s going on. As I’m sure we all recall, Keith and Sonia shared a root beer at their first meeting, agreeing that the brand was the best, costly, but worth it. That brand was not “Mom’s” (nor was it A&W, nor Barqs, nor (ironically) Dad’s, nor (amusingly) Not Your Dad’s, (but I’m at least 157 years old and can’t remember what it was).
Keith the root beer savant would never have bought (pronounced with a sneer) “Mom’s”.
I think that Mom (Kitty) bought “Mom’s” (beverage) and that’s Mom’s dna on the “Mom’s” can.
Now, gotta run- I’m going to Record City to buy Taylor Swift’s new LP record. Toodle-oo!
Thanks, guys. I figured since I'm still stuck with that dumb song in my head, I'm entitled to make up my own lyrics.
It seems Keith and Sonia's new favorite song might be Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean"...
Did we ever learn what Kitty does? Is there any chance she is the owner of Mom’s Root Beer?
She's my first cousin once removed!!
Wow! Mary Worth reads this blog! That's so exciting that it almost makes up for Moy continuing to beat this dead horse.
Gosh golly gee, would Wanders unretire if he found out that Mary herself reads this blog? Argh, on second thought, maybe that's why he retired in the first place.
And now for something completely different: I wonder if Santa Royale still has it indoor soccer team. Any other MW veterans remember that?
"Hello, Brad, ol' buddy. It's your ol' pal Keith. Guess what. You're back in the game! They're all yours! Bye."
-- Scottie
Kitty might want to notice that Keith is asking for a "rain check" on Valentine's Day...
Just what I was thinking @LouiseF. He won't make any points for backing out on Valentine's Day. What a chump.
Oh no, it’s a recycled panel of Mary and her mad muffin manufacturing. She spends an awful amount of time obsessing about Keith. Does Jeff know about this?
Keith could really use a muffin to accompany that breakfast he's looking so depressed over.
Mary's actions belie her words. Her meddle alarm went off this morning, and she immediately dove into another muffin-baking frenzy (there's at least two dozen there). She knows something is not right. She always knows.
Meanwhile, are we to believe that Sonia just sat there smiling while Keith and Kitty gorged on fistfuls of pepperoni pizza? I think not.
-- Scottie
Mary’s muffins always look raw and unbaked. Not underbaked, just completely unbaked. I don’t fault June for this, (I draw a little, myself), but someone needs to have a word with the colorist.
While I know for a fact that there is such a thing as vegan pepperoni (carried at my local Bristol Farms) there is no way that Keith would be all that happy about it.
Also, I gotta say, vegan cheese hasn't quite risen to the standard yet. I do provide it at my pizza parties for my nephew and his partner, but truly, my dogs won't eat it when some drops on the floor. That's really saying something.
Keith spends more time eating than maybe any other character in the Worthiverse besides Wilbur. Those "happy times" (involving food) will likely lead to his deciding to take on the role of dad, despite his not being Sonia's dad. He really wants one of those "#1 Dad" tee shirts on Father's Day...
Ahoy! Muffins on the horizon, attempting a rescue!
The seven stages of Keith:
1.She can’t be my daughter!
2.Maybe she is my daughter but I can’t stand her.
3.She’s my daughter, and I think I can stand her because of Kitty.
4.She’s my daughter and I have a family!
5.Everything is perfect, I have it all!
6.Maybe she’s not my daughter.
7.She’s not my daughter, so I can’t love her now.
Well, it looks as if Sonia is pretty happy about the news.
Looks to me like Mary's moody and depressed, so she's giving herself a pep talk and is gonna sit down and eat two dozen muffins by herself to see if that helps.
-- Scottie
What in blazes does "thinking positive" or "living in the moment" have to do with anything here? Once Mary turns her Muffin Love Ray on Keith, she's going to get an earful about how no amount of "thinking positive" is going to turn Sonia into his daughter, and the only moment he's living in is a disturbing one.
Kudos to LouiseF for calling things on Thursday! Keith has decided to throw caution and his ol’ pal Sal to the wind and will instead live a lie. Have fun, and get ready to start paying Sonia’s tuition, Keith!
If Wilbur had been like Keith when Wilbur’s Not Son, Kurt, showed up, Dawn could have had a brother all these years.
As they're tooling along I-20 toward Alabama in Keith's gas-guzzling Jeep, Sonia cheerily pipes up from the back seat. "By the way, Keith, you're not really my Dad. We made that up! My real Dad's in prison. Gotcha!" And they all had a big laugh.
-- Scottie
I love it! We didn't even have to suffer through Mary's sympathetic gaze at Keith over muffins and tea as he relayed his sad tale of non-fatherhood. Just a nice "delete" to rid himself of any pesky thoughts. Mary's telepathically delivered bromides did the trick unconsciously. Now if only that "delete" key works on Mary's coming victory lap...
Whoa! Gotta say, this surprised me. A character in MW thinkings things through without having a tantrum??!! Or eating muffins??!! Who knew?
Hooray!
Keith dyes his shirts himself to match his hair and mustache.
Why rock the boat when you can rock the muffins?
Yes, let's all live a lie! What could go wrong?
-- Scottie
Keith does seem like a "don't rock the boat" kind of guy. All those years following orders, many of which were probably ludicrous, has him primed to ignore reality. Little does he know that Mary has added truth serum to the muffins she is about to bring to his door.
This is going to go on forever, isn’t it? We are officially in a Twilight Zone infinity loop.
I do wonder where this is going too @fauxprof. I'm gonna guess that somehow he finds out that she really is his daughter. Muffin spit? Fingernail clippings? Birth certificate? Red Cross blood donations?
Hey, Keith. Sylvania called and they want their dim bulbs back. Okay, go on and pretend that Sonia's your kid. Fine by me. But aren't we leaving out the part where Kitty implied you were the only possible father?
CRIMINALS OF THE WORLD REJOICE!
Research results have just been released by laboratory technicians in the Mom’s Root Beer factory. After consulting with the FBI, the scientists have been able to confirm that traces of human DNA can be destroyed by drops of Mom’s root beer.
An accidental spill in the interrogation room at the Bug Tussle, Texas, police station has been found to have eradicated
DNA left on a cold drink dispenser from the local McMuffins franchise. Officers had hoped to confirm the identity of which third grader had obtained a refill of Delaware Punch without paying for it (the answer is every last third grader, Officer).
Now the thief will go unpunished, as will every axe murderer, shoplifter, and pickpocket who has the nous to take Mom’s along when out on a crime spree. It is unknown as yet how many villains are aware of this (all of them, now, Officer), and if other soft drinks have the same properties.
Yes, Keith, by all means you should quiz Kitty. It’ll be so informative!
". . . And now I'm keeping them both in the dark about Ol' Pal Sal! Is this a great relationship or what?"
-- Scottie
I seem to recall that Kitty had been telling Sonia about Keith her whole life. The BradHat thing is a little weird, but I attributed it to dumb Kitty trying to make Sonia happy. Although Keith should keep his mouth shut, we all know he probably won't. Of course Mom's root beer makes DNA disappear (thanks for reminding us Meg) and Sal has early stage dementia, which Keith would know, if he ever visited him.
1. Car crash
2. Injury
3. Blood transfusion needed.
4. Sonia perfect match.
5. Keith survives.
6. Good ol’ Sal loses accreditation.
7. Once again, Mary saves the day.
Aaaah, spring is nigh, and once again, it's mating season for the giant land clams.
-- Scottie
@Meg, I like that story line!
Alternate story line: Keith arrives to find a frantic Kitty. Sonia has been diagnosed with end-stage kidney disease, despite showing no symptoms. (Thurs out she’s violently allergic to vegan cuisine.). The hospital, working at lightning speed, has determined that Kitty is not a match for the urgently needed transplant. Hands clasped, lip trembling, tears impending, Kitty pleads, “Keith, you must save our daughter.”
Keith: Ummmm…
Oh! @meg and @fauxprof: I like the way you are thinking. Sonia is allergic to tofu and nuts, but didn't realize it until she began eating them in such large quantities. Keith obviously has some hideous disease that is eating his face. They will save each other!!
Go land clams! We need more land clams.
I think the military and the police department are a much better state now that this lug has retired.
PS Kitty was a ho.
Does this mean that we'll never find out who Sonia's real father is? Oh well. I'm placing my bet on Prince Harry. He's around 40 now. Maybe he was in Santa "Royale" 20 years ago and Sonia is half-princess.
“How rewarding it is to have won Sonia’s affection!”?? KM’s killing us with this dreck.
Roger that, KitKat. This week has been as tedious as it gets.
Come on, KM, take some pride in your work.
-- Scottie
We've seen them eating pizza (well, Keith was). We've seen them playing guitar. But we've never seen them hugging.
Whatever was eating Keith's brain yesterday has now made him hallucinate how much Sonia likes him.
Group hug!
KM, I beg of you, make it stop!
Will he or won't he? Moy will keep this up just long enough that we won't even care anymore.
MissScarlet - I believe the HMS CouldNotCareLess has sailed.
As Libby would say: "MEOW!", then hacks up a hairball.
Chin up, Keith! With Mary and her muffins on the premises, you’ll never be lonely again. Truth be told, after a couple more weeks of that, you might prefer to go back to Lonely Town.
Congratulations, KM. You've managed to get paid for a full week of filler.
-- Scottie
I think we’re headed for meg’s car crash scenario. Keith shows signs of distracted driving, and Mary utters an ominous platitude. Or, I may be reading a lot more into this than it merits.
Life is what you make it? So, for Keith it's loneliness and beef. For Mary its muffins and platitudes. Doesn't seem to add up to much, does it?
@Scottie: too right.
Soon we'll discover BradHat cut the brake lines on Keith's jeep!
Did I miss the part where Keith was serving as an undercover op in the Ukraine? And since Kitty and Sonia hadn't heard from him in two years, they'd assumed he'd been captured and killed? I can't think of any other explanation for the two of them to go bolting out of the house when he pulled up at the end of their mysteriously shrunken walkway.
Sonia's transformation has been unbelievable.
Literally.
-- Scottie
"...annnnndddddd scene" (PLEASE!)
Peg says
This is a totally unreal story line, but of course, its Mary Worth! Enjoy!
Welcome to Day 1 of Mary’s victory lap week.
Speaking of a bachelor no more, how’s Ian, Toby?
Sorry, kids. Y'all mights just as well put those banjos away. Don't look like we's gonna git to Alabammie after all.
What the heck;"Several weeks later"?! Think of all the excitement we've missed!
Do most 20-year-olds love to hang around their "parents" this much?
And BTW, what do these women do for a living? Do we know?
Anyway, we need BradHat to return to throw a couple wrenches into this increasingly treacly relationship.
-- Scottie
Management hopes you have enjoyed this episode of Disappointing Dénouement Theater. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s presentation of the Scottish play in which Lady MacBeth goes out for cawfee with two of the three witches while her husband stays home taking an online leadership course.
Yah @ meg. I can't wait.
Well, maybe (maybe, maybe) we will finally find out that Sal made an oopsie!
What victory lap? It seems that most of Mary's observations have been made inside her head. Since Keith has come up with the same conclusions as Mary, it seems this plot is a victory for ESP. Apparently KM has not figured out how to portray Mary's telepathic skills, which is too bad. They could have come in handy during the pandemic. Cue the sunset cruise on the embarrassingly big boat with Dr. Jeff.
Poor Toby. Mary is not so subtly telling her that she's going to have to find some other tight end to spy on with the binoculars she snagged from the teachers' storage closet after Ian got Helen Moss fired. Maybe she can talk Ian into dying his hair red and trading in his chinbeard for a mustache? Probably wouldn't help much. His saggy Sansabelt pants are not the things trophy wives fantasize about.
Yes, by all means let's spend another week or two rehashing all this for Toby because it's that fascinating.
-- Scottie
Is this supposed to be a 'feel good' ending? I hope not.
Keith had Sonia's DNA tested without her consent, he let her think her boyfriend just randomly decided to ghost her, and now he's pretending to be her father. Doesn't she deserve to know who her real father might be?
He's coming off as a toxic control freak.
Ooooh all the evasiveness. "She seems to have found [a father] one" and "good for [them]....I guess". Is there an Aha here...or is KM just leading us on again?
@Garnet, well put. Keith has done his share of untrustworthy nonsense. He really has no business doubting Kitty for anything.
Mary's comment that it looks like Sonia had "found one" makes me think she knows Sonia's DNA failed the Sal test. If Mary really thought Keith was Sonia's father, wouldn't she have said "It looks like she found HIM?" I see Toby is shilling for KM to bring slacking readers up to speed about the, ahem, plot. Charterstone is so boring, only Mary keeps up with the soap opera that is her neighbors' lives.
Dear God. This plotline is degenerating into such intolerable drivel that I've entered consultations with Michael Crichton and the Santa Royale University Department of Genetics to design a gripping new plot twist that will rescue the strip.
Inspired by the unusual real-life case of Lydia Fairchild, we learn that Sonia exhibits genetic chimerism, with cells of various tissues in her body having two distinct populations of DNA. Just as Keith contemplates calling BradHat to extricate himself from his "chosen family", Mary unearths an article in the New England Journal of Medicine and deduces that Sonia's oral epithelial cells from the surrepitious root beer were a red-haired red herring. One confirmatory pap smear later, the family is reunited and move to Taft, never to be seen again.
It has everything: an inexplicable deus ex machina cop-out, drama ripped from the headlines (of 2002), and a sorely needed opportunity for meddling and victory laps. We're sending the script treatment to Karen Moy by Fedex - wish us luck. (Sadly, I think we all know the only thing she reads is Parade Magazine.)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lydia_Fairchild
My snark supply is on empty. If Wanders ever has second thoughts about retiring (I bet not), this “plot” would make him breathe a sigh of relief that he decided to bid adieu.
My apologies, Dr. Cameron, but I was unable to read your synopsis. Undoubtedly, whatever plot you and Mr. Crichton fabricated has to be far superior to anything that KM has ever come up with or could even imagine. However, at first glance, seeing the words "pap smear" in close proximity to the name "Mary Worth" was simply too much for me and I had to make a hasty visit to my water closet.
Well, over at Comics Kingdom some kind of time warp has taken place and I just read strips up to March 5!! Did anything happen? Of course not!
Is Parade magazine still around? Is Michael Crichton? Does anyone else ever wonder about KM?
MissScarlet, I’m wondering about the revolting substance Mary is ladling out today. What in blazes is that stuff? Mary’s attempt at some type of chili?
Oh, Toby, I wouldn’t eat that. Nobody would eat that. What in hell is that stuff? Castor bean chili? Stewed slugs and humus, straight from the garden? I can’t even deal with Keith learning “farrier skills” right now…
KitKat and fauxprof - Mary finally cleaned out her refrigerator and made chili using the leftover gray corned beef from last year's St. Patrick's Day meal.
Liquid concrete with rocks in it? Yum!
Haha, Leap Day Chili? Mary keeps it in the back of her fridge and reheats it every four years?
Funny comments today, all!
Rejoice! KM favored us with something new and mildly interesting! It's Mary's famous Gray Gruel, an old family recipe handed down from the Middle Ages. You don't want to know what's in it.
I agree with @fauxprof. "Farrier skills" has thrown me for a bit of a loop too. I'm just gonna leave that one be for now.
-- Scottie
“Even though Keith seems to be a conventional and serious man, I’ve come to like him,” says Mary, serving up a generous helping of asphalt.
“Even though..?!” Yes, Mary, you’re so unconventional and full of whimsy that this just goes to prove how breathtakingly open-minded you truly are.
You guys are on your game today! Hahahaha…!
According to the Google, being a farrier requires veterinary knowledge and blacksmithing and business skills. It’s a cinch that Keith acquired all that in the marines and on the police force. He’ll be hanging out his shingle by April 1st.
Kit Kat,
I love it. We had a horse shoeing school near by. It is true, foot anatomy is extremely important so you don't irreparably injure the horse. Also, there has to knowledge about how to make orthopedic shoes. It took almost a year of daily training to teach a person.
No doubt Keith is on the fast track.
Is this just another possibility for Keith to be injured and require a blood transfusion? Big o’ hoss kicks him upside the haid, er, head?
The Comics Kingdom time warp continues. Suprise! Mary doesn't die from her stew (that's what Toby calls it) and after she's done with Toby she's gonna tell Jeff all about Keith. Hoo boy! Exciting or what? Will Dr. Jeff suggest a real DNA test? I doubt it.
Why have we never heard about this horse shoeing stuff before? Maybe he was with the mounted police? I don't think the Marines have cavalry.
Great, green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher meat. Marinated monkey meat. Chopped up baby parakeet. Swimming in a bowl of blood, and I forgot my spoon. Nothing left to say that a camp song won't cover here.
Mmmmmm, Fruit Loops and motor oil.
I agree with @KitKat. Today's snark has been top notch! Kudos to LouiseF for her camp song. Made me literally laugh out loud.
Now for something completely different: "Even though Keith seems to be a conventional, serious man -- you know, unlike Ian -- I've come to like him -- you know, unlike Ian."
-- Scottie
Santa Royale has a local stable? Who knew? I wonder if they have a Western Union office too.
A stable, a Western Union, and a saloon! (that’s where Miss Kitty works)
Mmmmm, pea gravel!
-- Scottie
So let's cut to the chase Mary, I want you to cook more for Ian and me.
Rumor has it that Toby's most practiced skill is drinking. Those of us who have seen her "art" know all about her 'hobby'.
By the way, @anon, I'm sorry to have to say that UCSB (adjacent to Goleta) has very fine stables and students are welcome to board horses there. Western Union? I have no idea. But as a graduate of UCSB, it wouldn't surprise me if some nerdy student set up a telegraph just for fun.
What does Toby normally eat that makes Mary's cooking look good? Roadkill that's been sitting in the sun for over a week? It looks like Mary prepared either gray, lumpy gruel, or some sort of wet cement/gravel mixture.
As Toby praises Mary’s culinary skills, the unnamable stew concoction has eaten through the side of Mary’s bowl and is oozing out.
It may be alive!
@fauxprof, we need Dr. Victor Frankenstein to trumpet, “It’s alive! It’s alive!”
“Toby dear, one doesn’t ‘take up another skill.’ Why don’t you just stick with painting clown portraits, sculpting clay animals, and mixing vodka stingers?”
But being "a talented artist and a good friend" won't get your man fed, Toby. For that you need reservations.
Does a week of platitudes (accompanied by scary food) constitute a victory lap? Are we done with Keith? Will the Sunday summary provide enlightenment and/or closure? Is anybody there? Does anybody care?
The punctuation authorities inform me that I have exceeded my question mark allowance. Apologies.
Mary - Stuart Smalley's already got the daily affirmations covered. Let's move along to something more productive please - maybe start with the recipe for that gray gruel?
I'd like to know just one new thing that either Mary or Toby have learned. Any thing at all.
Follow your own advice, KM. With the exception of Thursday's exciting strip, featuring the Magical Mystery Meal and the introduction of "farrier skills," this strip has produced nothing new in weeks. It's stagnating, KM. Try some new endeavors already. Sheesh!
-- Scottie
So, it's time for Mary and Toby to join a ukulele band...
Ah yes, a faux family shaped by lies and deceit. How sweet. Oh well, Richard Bach wasn't perfect, you know.
Okay, I think it's time we checked in on Iris and Zak. Or maybe Estelle and Dr. Goodbody. Anybody but you-know-who.
-- Scottie
Sorry Scottie, it's not gonna happen anytime soon. I don't know why this story keeps spinning in place, but it's not stopping any time soon. It appears that Toby has opted for a vodka shot instead of the 'stew'. Wise choice.
Ah, Jeff calling his “favorite girl.” Who would’ve predicted that, beyond everyone? Bleah….
His “favorite” girl? So, Jeff has others.
TOMORROW:
"Oh, I'm just fine, Jeff. How are you?"
"Oh, I'm fine too."
WEDNESDAY:
"That's good."
"Yes, Mary, fine is good."
"My Gram liked fine."
THURSDAY:
"Are you busy, Mary?"
"No, I was just thinking about our new neighbor, Keith Hillend. He recently adopted a family."
FRIDAY:
"Oh? Tell me all about it."
//cancels newspaper subscription//
-- Scottie
Sooo…we’re done with Keith? Or do we have another week of Mary telling Jeff all about it over salmon at the Bum Boat? (Followed by a moonlight boat ride, giving Mary a chance to elucidate further on a guy Jeff has never met or heard of.)
I wonder where Mary gets her black newspaper. I don't want one. Just wondering.
“Flowers are more your thing, Mary. I’ll sit in the cafe and have a few beers while you walk around.”
Visit the botanic gardens? Boy, Jeff will do anything to try to get . . . um, canoodled. But since he's just had his hair freshly painted, he might as well not waste it.
-- Scottie
So, Dr. Jeff is allergic to cats, doesn't really enjoy flowers, has white spots on his fruit and (as Scottie pointed out) paints his hair. Is this guy really boyfriend material?
I am beginning to wonder if Moy wants to retire and by bringing up Keith again she will drive off enough readers so she gets cancelled?
Sheesh Mary, randomly inserting Keith into that conversation about trees was really a stretch. Move on my good lady, move on!
Ha haaaaa, KM deked us! We thought we were done with this dreck and moving on to the next dreck, but she pulled the ol' switcheroo. Well played, KM. You got us.
-- Scottie
KM switched it up! Instead of the Bum Boat we get the Arboretum, but the victory lap goes on as planned. Buckle up, Dr. Jeff. You’re about to be bored to near catatonia, without the comfort of Surf’n’Turf.
“Jeff, some varieties bloom early. Unlike some pathetic middle aged doctors I could mention who are perpetually mooning around like some awkward pimple faced teen. And it’s definitely not due to global warming, that’s even more of a scam than COVID was.”
Now that Mary mentions it, Keith does look a lot like a tree.
For someone who thinks flowers are Mary's thing, Jeff is savvy enough to notice that the cherry trees are blooming early. Maybe he is a scientist after all. Hmmm... Keith Hillend, DNA, cherry trees. Somehow I think Mary is going to find out that Keith is sitting on some truths he's not sharing.
Tell you more about him you ask? Well, Keith was born in the cabin his father built...
Tell me more, tell me more…with the golden oldies of Turn, Turn, Turn and Grease as a mental soundtrack, let the tedium continue.
Jeff knows that retelling news is like foreplay to Mary. Also, as close as she ever gets.
It’s Bible Bingo, with Mary and Jeff. This might be a first; let’s hope it’s a last.
Jeff seems way too interested in learning more about Keith Hillend. If this was someone other than Jeff, I’d think this might be sarcasm, but Jeff’s incapable of mustering that. He’s even wearing a purple shirt to be matchy-matchy with his best girl.
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