Mary Worth 926

Well, it was a lovely wedding... We gathered together at the Church of Math to add one man and one woman together to make one flesh, as the Bible says.

I was a little surprised when the bride's father got disoriented and walked her down the side aisle of the church, but it gave those of us with bad seats and bad mustaches a better look at all the features to love on the bride's dress.

It was a bit stunning when William Shakespeare arrived and quoted from Henry VI, Part III. In fact, it was horribly inappropriate, as Shakespeare usually is when he appears in Mary Worth. He quoted from a scene when the spineless king decides he'd rather meditate than rule, so he asks two of his former enemies to rule jointly in his stead by joining their hearts together. One of the two men pretty quickly turns back against the king and helps slay his son, if I'm remembering right, which I think I am. Anyway, I hope this isn't going to doom the marriage...

The minister had barely started the service, when Shakespeare began to read Venus and Adonis. "Love comforteth like sunshine after rain..." except he said "comforts" instead of "comforteth" so that the groom's friends wouldn't get confused. Also, the poem was way too long and is perhaps his most erotic work. I was really embarrassed for William Shakespeare.

Everyone was really happy and jumped up and started to congratulate the couple, but then the minister asked us to quiet down because he wasn't done yet. Eventually, Mr. and Dr. Scott Hewlett were happily married. I just hope that nothing insane happens at the reception, like some crazy drunk crashing through the wall of the caterer's and ruining the cake...



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The 2010 Worthy Awards

Yes, dear readers, it's time once again for the annual Worthy Awards. I'm pleased to announce that the Condo Board has done an excellent job of selecting this year's nominees just in time for Christmas, and now it is your turn to choose the winners! So make your selections before January 8, 2011. The awards ceremony will be held on January 10, 2011.

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Mary Worth 925

It's Christmas Eve, and I have a special DOUBLE FEATURE BONUS for you as a gift. Today, we get Jill's story... AND Mary's lecture!

Jill's Story
JILL: I’m going to tell you a story, Mary… and then YOU can tell ME what’s wrong with it! I warn you, though! It DOESN’T end with “Happily Ever After”!… Seven years ago, I was engaged just like Adrian!… I was high on a cloud with the man I loved! In my mind, Jordan and I were going to get married and live happily ever after!…

MARY: But that’s not what happened… was it?

JILL: Isn’t it something how things in life turn out differently than we expect?

MARY: So years ago you were engaged, but didn’t end up getting married?

JILL: Sadly, true… I still remember waiting in the church with all our guests in attendance…

MARY: Do you want something to eat?

JILL: I don’t need to! The coffee is helping… and SO ARE YOU! Seven years ago my wedding was scheduled for a day in December too! I waited for Jordan to show up. But he never did! My heart was broken and my dreams SHATTERED! I relive that awful day of waiting and then being disappointed over and over again! The events leading to Adrian and Scott’s wedding triggered bad memories for me… resulting in things I CAN’T CONTROL!

The end

That was an excellent story, but now why don't you take a little break, pour yourself a glass of eggnog, and come back for the sequel:


Mary's Lecture, No. 7,842
MARY: Jill, I’m sorry about what happened to you… but it’s unfair for Adrian to be affected by it! Especially now when she’s FINALLY found happiness. You’re traumatized by a disappointment that happened years ago, Jill… and it must be hard to process…

JILL: Hard? It was devastating being dumped by my fiance at the altar! I’ll NEVER get over it!

MARY: Adrian’s a good person… and after all she’s been through, she’s FINALLY found happiness! Why deny her that?… Because of what happened in your past? The past only exists by how you remember it! Why not keep what’s good for you and forget the rest? You can never really live in the present… if you’re dwelling in the past! Adrian’s found happiness and you will too… if you allow it in! Adrian asked you to be part of her wedding party because she didn’t want you to feel left out! Don’t pay her back with bad behavior on your part! She deserves better! What you went through was rough, but now it’s time to put it behind you!

JILL: I feel bad… and I’m so embarrassed! I need to make it up to Adrian!...

I love Mary's horrified skepticism and Jill's reckless look of determination in this panel. Well, Mary...this should teach you not to meddle. There's no way a psychopath like Jill won't make things completely worse by trying to make things up to Adrian. This should be the best wedding ever!

Mary Worth 924

I'm sorry, I've been so busy with Christmas preparations, that I really haven't had much time to blog about Jill or this strange old lady who has decided to lecture her. I wonder who she is?

Oh, and I've also been helping with the Condo Board's preparations for the 2010 Worthy Awards. The nominees will be announced Christmas Day, so get ready to vote for your favorites.

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Mary Worth 923

I'm still struggling with how a bride gets left at the altar... What kind of father walks his daughter down the aisle when there isn't a groom at the other end (as phoebes in santa fe asked yesterday). I completely blame the dad. I mean, even though Jill is the one with all the wedding planning experience and all, I would think her dad would at least have a little bit of common sense.

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Mary Worth 922

There, written in Bic ballpoint pen on Mr. Black's hand, it says very plainly, "Confirm groom has arrived, and THEN march Jill down the aisle."

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Mary Worth 921

Several thoughts on Jill's story so far...

• It looks like Jordan may have escaped from this disastrous situation just in the nick of time.

• Jill is still so drunk that she's started to suck her thumb... or she thinks she's still holding a bottle of booze.

• Mary's arms must have retracted into her chest. Otherwise, where are her elbows?

I still have no idea how this story got started...

JILL: My fiance left me stranded at the altar.
ADRIAN: So you have wedding planning experience...?

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My Compulsion to Help Others, revisited

To the anonymous poster who wanted to know more about Mary's compulsion to help others, perhaps the most-read entry on this blog is the compilation of Mary's entire story. It's a great read, and sure to get you excited as you anticipate where Jill's story may lead.

You can read the entire story here at Post 161.

And if you want to revisit Mary's story about her true love, here it is at Post 603.

And Lynn Griffin's Christmas Play, "Ice Castles" can be found at Post 397.

And Bonnie Johnson's thrilling story can be found at Post 741.

Mary Worth 920

This has been the best Christmas ever. Thank you Mary Worth. I thought Jill making a scene at the rehearsal dinner was as good as it could get, but now a story?! I love stories! Here are four of my favorites:

"Why Bonnie Compulsively Shops"

"The Man Who Got Away"
(or, "Why I Date Your Father")

"Why I Faint When I Skate"

"My Compulsion to Help Others"

Each a classic in its own right. Each a story I return to again and again. I'm sure "Why I Drink Heavily" will be every bit the classic we expect it to be.

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Mary Worth 919

Jill! We thought you'd driven off in a cab, but here you are, back where you belong: With us! And now Mary is going to help you sort this out. It's always best to help someone solve their life's problems while they're totally hammered.

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