Friday, May 25, 2018

Mary Worth 2893

"My fog is clearing because my columns are back in the local paper because the readers demanded it. So now I'm no longer depressed. I'm on top of the world because of other people's behavior. So as long as people keep doing what I want, there shouldn't be any problem."

41 comments:

Anonymous said...


I'm afraid that what we all suspect deep in the recesses of our minds will happen will indeed soon happen: Iris and Zak will come to their senses, and she'll go back to Wilbur. Wilbur will get all smug and arrogant again, and we'll see him whistling a happy tune as he fumbles through his dresser drawers looking for that old bottle of Viagra.

Sigh.

-- Scottie McW.

Regina Wolfe-Parks said...

"Don't turn to the bottle. Your friends are here for you anytime."

What friends? Mary is his ONLY friend!

All joking aside, KM once again taken a serious subject (depression, attempted suicide, alcoholism) and avoided how the real world works. Like you pointed out Wanders, Wilbur goes into a hissy fit because 1) Iris moved on after he moved on with his grifter girlfriend (whom he keeps saying he lost, but stupid forgets that she conned him out of a 30K emerald) 2) Dawn goes on an extended trip (even though he disappeared out of her life for a whole year) 3) the local Pennysaver drops his columns even though his garbage is inexplicably in other newspapers around the country and 4) his shower radio stops working because he's too cheap to buy batteries. Instead of acting like a real adult, he goes on a suicidal bender, which is all made okay with one visit to a generic therapist and Mary's meddlesome counseling. Now he's all better and we can move on. I hate to be a downer, but when you tackle serious subjects, don't act like they suddenly go away after a few days of Mary's meddling.

Now enough on Wilbur. He's a despicable crybaby. Let's get on to whatever problems Chin beard and Toby are having so Mary can meddle and mess that up as well.

Nance said...

Today's Boldface Haiku is titled

"Hugs Not Drugs".

Promise reach out!
I will!
Don't bottle. Anytime!
Realize. Fog...clearing!

r u ok? said...

To remain happy Wilbur will block all calls from George so that he never has to hear bad news from that guy ever again.

Anonymous said...

"Hugs Not Drugs" -- I need a t-shirt with that.

fauxprof said...

“Don’t bottle. Anytime!” Think of all the different organizations that could use that as a slogan, Nance! From the La Leche League zealots to the WCTU to groups we’ve never even heard of. You should copyright it right now, before it starts showing up on T-shirts and mugs. But never bottles, of course.

Downpuppy said...

Iris is Moy's Mary Sue.

She's not giving up Zak.

Ice Cream said...

Panel three: SMOOCH!!!

Nance said...

@fauxprof--I was thinking the same thing about Don't Bottle. Anytime!

It works on so many levels. Breastfeeding hardliners, AA sponsors, Jehova's Witnesses, Mormons...you name it. Even people who advocate reusable metal water cups rather than the disposable plastic water bottles that are polluting our oceans and overflowing our landfills.

I guess I should lay claim to it right now.

Don't Bottle. Anytime!©

Tamalama said...

Well look at Mary in her tight sweater vest making the moves on Wilbur! She must be drunk.

Tim said...

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Jana C.H. said...

Don't Bottle! Anytime!

Also good for those who oppose homebrewing and winemaking. Or who insist all beer should be drunk from cans.

I prefer cider to beer, but I confess to being a bottle snob. Yes, there are a few good ciders in cans, but really...!

KitKat said...

"Hugs not drugs." Didn't Nancy Reagan use that back in the 1980s?

I will be shocked (shocked!) if we actually get to see the dinner with the Camerons, Mary, and Wilbur. KM is only yanking our chains. I'm waving bye-bye at my hope of seeing Mary, Wilbur, and the Chinbeards walk into La Rosa and right into not only Iris and Zak but
Dr. Jeff and his new Colombian girlfriend, Fabiana. Bummer!

Nance said...

KitKat--Nancy Reagan was the originator of the failed "Just Say No" campaign. I have done some Googling and cannot find any link to her for Hugs Not Drugs, which is not to say that I made that up. Far from it. That saying has been around for aeons, and is used in Narcotics Anonymous, from what I've read. It's all over the place, and I used to hear my students use it sarcastically, too. It's also a meme, on teeshirts and mugs, and other doodads. I wish I could find the origin of Hugs Not Drugs, but have not, and honestly, don't feel like looking any more.

I think we should start our own "Hugs Not ___" campaigns. I personally don't care for toupees, small brachycephalic dogs, or surgically enhanced bosoms. I'll leave you to fill in those blanks now. :-)

LouiseF said...

We have a program that advocates "Hooked on Fishing, Not on Drugs" . How about "Hooked on Fishing, Not on Small Brachycephalic Dogs"? It's got a ring to it...Thank you, Nance, for that survey of boneheaded anti-drug campaigns. None of them are much help when it comes to actually DOING anything about the plague of addiction covering the country..Ever. And don't get me started on "Be Best"... I suspect that KM is trying to make up for not illustrating Mary actually meddling in Wilbur's business until now. So far, she only provided a ride home from Lookout Point as far as we knew. But following today's lecture, Wilbur can go out to dinner and crow about the big help Mary was in his rehabilitation. Otherwise, he'd have to give credit to Mr. One Session Sweater-Wearing Therapist. And that just won't do.

fauxprof said...

Wow, a quandary! A Small Brachycephalic Dog used to live next door, and she was always eager to be picked up and cuddled. In other words, she loved hugs. (I’m a cat person, myself, but she was kind of irresistible.)

MissScarlet said...

I think Nance is on to something here. I say "Hugs not .... large vessels for coffee; ...boats used to tow other boats; ...insects; ....large dull men...

meg said...

Hugs, not...euphemisms from a Norman Mailer novel; ...shallow gardening baskets;...Chicago baseball teams...

Anonymous said...

Um..and this guy writes an advice column that is nationally syndicated?

Dawn Weston's Evil Twin said...

Whaaaaa ...??? Wait, my Internet connection is not so great ... Did Wilbur just say something about FOG and a CLEARING?? Is he headed up to LOOKOUT POINT again to go for a drunken binge and maybe a JUMP???? Yikes!!!

Jana C.H. said...

meg:

Alas, the Chicago baseball team doesn't rhyme. As a Gilbert and Sullivan fanatic, I expect all rhymes to be flawless.

And I can't tell you whether the euphemism from a Norman Mailer novel rhymes properly or not because I don't know what it is, but I suspect I'm better off that way.

meg said...

What? You never heard of the Chicago Uggs? (They play all their games in the snow. Sheesh!)

Jana C.H. said...

Alas, I am a poor, ignorant Northwesterner whose first and only visit to Chicago was last November. It did snow while I was there, but I saw no baseball, only operas.

Trilkhai said...

Hugs, not...obese alcoholic loser's mugs?

I think P. G. Wodehouse described Wilbur's type pretty well:
"He has an enormous bald head, all the hair which ought to be on it seeming to have run into his eyebrows, and his eyes go through you like a couple of Death Rays."

Regina Wolfe-Parks said...

Here’s mine: Hugs, not bald headed slugs.

Yahoonski said...

I'm a fan of hugs AND drugs!

Trilkhai: I just read and immensely enjoyed Wodehouse's "The Amazing Hat Mystery." If only Moy could write dialogue like that...sigh.

Maxwell Bacon said...

SATURDAY:

Mariolatry in the hallway! Gotta love that!

Mary: DON'T feel bad. Just promise me THIS, Wilbur ...
... Don't talk about that embarrassing little episode up on Lookout Point! The Camerons don't need to know about that!

KitKat said...

SUNDAY

I was wrong - KM and June have given us a dinner scene after all. Is this Chinbeard’s first incarnation under the June administration? (Other than perhaps a holiday cameo?) He looks like Ted Miller with white hair and the most fake stick-on “beard” imaginable.

Just wait till Dawn tells Wilbur that she and Harlan are expecting a bambino in 7 months. Mama mia!

Delilah said...

Professor chinbeard is auditioning for a lucrative position as a Mall Santa. Ya can't start submitting resumes too early!

MissScarlet said...

Whoa! Ian looks like he's lost 100 pounds. That was some trip he took. No wonder he's been gone so long.

Maxwell Bacon said...

Are they at the Bum Boat? Why is Wilbur eating a hamburger? Couldn't they have gone someplace NICE? ... Oh, right, Mary's paying.

I kind of like June's version of Ian. I liked Joe Giella's Toby better, though.

Anonymous said...


I'm not liking the new Ian. His old face was so beefy and sour-looking. But at least his beard is still awful.

And good catch, Maxwell! Wilbur and Toby are each eating a burger and fries! This is going out to dinner??? Are they at Wendy's? Burger King? Couldn't they get reservations at Ponderosa?

Nothing against these places; I go there too on occasion. But they're not inviting-someone-out-to-dinner places.

-- Scottie McW.

Yahoonski said...

Yeesh. The bile rises in one's throat. Anyway, since we've already covered all the good news (were Ian and Toby privy to the so-called bad news that preceded it?), it's going to be a lonnnngg dinner. No, wait. He still hasn't told everybody how his shower radio is miraculously working again.

fauxprof said...

Ian has joined the Bad Beard Brigade from the movie “Gettysburg”. it looks as though it hooks over his ears.

mr_darcy said...

It looks as if Ian's lost weight was transferred to Mr Allora. And yet both of them look at least a decade younger. Somewhere there must a forty year old college freshman. Oh wait, that's Dawn.

lmjb1964 said...

I've been traveling and with intermittent internet for over a week, so I haven't had a chance to check in here. Now that I'm all caught up, there are too many hilarious comments for me to remember them all. Let me just say that the CSQ (Coffee-snorting Quotient) of the last few days was particularly high.

My BF and I were staying with friends the other day, and my BF brought me the following cup of coffee:
https://imgur.com/a/tvAJxZq
(I'm not sure if the URL tags work; hopefully that will be a link.)
And then I put on some footwear and went out among the flora and fauna in nature. Now I feel like I should run out and get the Santa Royale times and catch up on "Dear Wendy" and "Survivor Stories."

I love the comments pointing out that Wilbur can apparently only be happy when he gets what he wants. Sheesh! This cheery Wilbur makes me want to smack him. Of course, I also wanted to smack mopey woe-is-me Wilbur, creepy jealous stalker Wilbur, and Wilbur when he dumped Iris for some hot Brazilian women he barely knew. So, basically, I just want to smack Wilbur.

If Iris ends up leaving Zak to go back to Wilbur, I quit.

lmjb1964 said...

Oops, that should have been one Brazilian woman. But maybe there were others we didn't know about.

Anonymous said...

Okay folka, here we go. Mary and Wilbur have been passing "Thank You's" back and forth now for most of the celebratory burger and fries meal. Now Mary has announced that she's got "One more surprise" for Wilburn.

God help us, I think Iris is still going to appear as part of this celebration.

KitKat said...

MONDAY
Those burgers and fries must have strange properties - Ian's beard has climbed up over his ears, his face is fuller, and he looks older compared to yesterday. Maybe he quaffed a glass of the disgusting beverage Wilbur is hoisting - ugh.

Mary has a surprise - oh goody. Does it involve muffins? Or is she starting a rival advice column to challenge "Ask Wendy"? Did she have Wilbur's car towed from Lookout Point, sell it, and use the proceeds for a trip to the Pax Wellness Center?

On Memorial Day, let's take time from our customary well-done snarking to remember the meaning of this day. Rest in peace, and thank you.

Regina Wolfe-Parks said...

I think the surprise is she bought him batteries for his shower radio.

I am so sick of these three idiots slapping Wilbur on the back. Are we going to get a week of this? They’re acting like Wilbur won the Nobel prize for liturature.

Not only does Chinbeard look like he’s wearing a fake beard, the hair looks fake as well. Who is this man and what have you done with the real Ian?

fauxprof said...

I can’t wait for the reveal of Mary’s idea of a “surprise”. It could be anything from a muffin basket to a newly returned and newlywed Dawn and Harlan. What I’d love to see is this: “Wilbur, you’ve been a bit lonely lately, so I invited a friend of mine to come and visit. Meet Aggie, from Pax Wellness Resort!”