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Congratulations to Karen Moy for creating a truthful character. Wilbur is right. No one does care about him. I know I don't. I'm only here because, after 2,874 blog posts, I feel an obligation to my fans.

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Wilbur's neck wattle inflates when he gets angry.

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Panel 1 explains that Wilbur is watching Modern Family, so presumably, it is Sofia Vergara who reminds Wilbur of Fabiana. I'm just guessing. I see on Wikipedia that she was born in Colombia, just like Fabiana. I've never watched Modern Family, so let me see if I can find a clip on YouTube.

Wow! I am definitely going to start watching this show. She is hilarious! In fact, the only difference between Sofia Veraga's character and Fabiana is that one is better written.

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One thing Weston's have in common: Oddly strong arms.

Harlan is just the coolest professor ever, isn't he? He really is a star at the discotheque. All the co-eds want to dance with him.

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I thought the whole point of this endless country-music-in-the-shower sequence was to punctuate Wilbur's depression with music that emphasizes what a heartbroken loser he is. I mean, really, why else would we be subjected to this? So why would Wilbur sing this Johnny Cash song? "They call me bad news, because I'm bad news, breaking little girls' hearts who hate to see me go..." and so on and so forth. Maybe this marks the turning point for Wilbur. Maybe he'll turn into the next Zak, with unbounded confidence, dating a woman at least 20 years older than he is.

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It's probably best that Wilbur stops listening to Country Western music. It hasn't been helping. He really needs to change his luck, and the Charterstone Jukebox is just the trick! Just open up Spotify on your cell phone. That'll lift your spirits. I had a bad week, too. But the Charterstone Jukebox made everything alright.

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"If I'm not seen locally, Iris and Zak won't be about to read my work as they lounge around on Sunday mornings together."

On a personal note, thanks for all the sympathy yesterday, dear readers. After listing my woes, I was driving to Home Depot and got rear-ended. It has been a hilarious week. Fortunately, each thing that's happened really could have been much, much worse. So far, we're counting ourselves very lucky, and keeping our sense of humor. Mary Worth and your comments help with that.

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So it turns out that Wilbur is a Nationally Syndicated Columnist, producing two columns, presumably weekly. Who knew? And now, given that Jesus said no prophet is accepted in his own country, he's about to develop an even bigger martyr complex than he already had.

I haven't posted much this week. This week our sewer backed up and soaked into several rooms, our vacuum went out, the AC went out, and the dryer stopped working. So I've been a little busy. Thank heaven for amazingly helpful neighbors.

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So we've entered a never-ending loop of trying to win Iris back, suffering abject humiliation, showering, repeat. A story inspired by the instructions on Wilbur's Head and Shoulders shampoo bottle, "Lather, rinse, repeat," perhaps one of the greatest literary accomplishments of Procter and Gamble.

But then, Wilbur sees his Post-it, reminding himself to buy another emerald ring, and we know everything will work out eventually.

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"Do you understand what we are saying to you? We are buying camping supplies. Because we are going camping. In a tent. Together. Do you understand, Wilbur? Please tell me if you understand. I want to hear you say it."

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I'm having a little trouble comprehending a worse possible thing for Iris to say to Wilbur. And it is completely awesome. As we said in the eighth grade: "BURN!"

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Oh. It's still this story. I didn't realize.

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I have no idea why Dick's Sporting Goods wasn't willing to pay the fee for appearing in Mary Worth. Clearly, it was Karen Moy's intent to make a little bank by having Wilbur buy shoes there. I guess the promotional agreement didn't work out at the last minute, but by then it was too late to make Wilbur's shoe purchase AT ALL RELEVANT TO THE PLOT!!

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This is quickly becoming one of the greatest Mary Worth stories of all time. I expected more walking. I did NOT expect buying footwear. It's plot twists like this that make me jump out of my chair and exclaim, "You've got to be kidding!"

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Maybe you could spend the week walking in the park or standing on a cliff. That always helps to change your perspective.

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Mr. Aurora has been very busy remodeling Wilbur's bathroom while he traveled the world. Such a lovely artisan subway tile.

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That firehose showerhead is going to peel the layers of fat right off of Wilbur.

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It was Harlan Howard who is attributed as being the first to describe country music this way. He should know; he was one of the most prolific and influential country songwriters, and his passing in 2002 left a big hole in the heart of Nashville. So, yeah, I have gone through many country music phases. I have no problem with country music. What I have a problem with is country music radio. It's three songs and a pigsty full of commercials. Over and over and over again... whenever I get in a country music mood, it lasts about three days until I can't take it anymore. So hopefully, the country music station in Santa Royale plays more music from a deeper playlist.

But in honor of Harlan Howard, I've added one of his songs to the Jukebox, "Heartache by the Numbers." It ought to cheer Wilbur up immensely.

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Inspired by the Head and Shoulders commercial, Wilbur finds his shower radio. It's been a long time since he's showered. Surely this will help his mood... and OURS! Because nothing will lift our spirits like watching Wilbur shower. Naked.

I'm really hoping he tunes into the Chartersone Jukebox playlist on Spotify. Do you follow the Jukebox? The Condo Board has selected a tastefully appropriate list of songs, all inspired by the adventures of Mary Worth. If you haven't had a listen recently, Charley Smith has left some metal slugs and wooden nickels so you don't have to drop any coins into the jukebox.

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I certainly understand why Wilbur would prefer to have a frozen Hungry Man dinner rather than eating with Mary and Jeff. I fully support his choice.

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Really, Wilbur? Because Jeff doesn't know how anxious and abandoned you feel, and I know he'd love to hear it. Plus, we'd all love to hear you describe your feelings again. And to think we could have been in Italy with Harlan and Dawn! We dodged a bullet.

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ABANDONMENT

An Easter Play You Can Perform While Visiting Grandma

By Karen Moy

Wilbur: I’m used to being alone… My work is solitary by nature! But when I sit at my computer… reading reader mail… my thoughts turn back to my own problems! I’m having trouble concentrating on my work.

Mary: The quiet in your place doesn’t help?

Wilbur: I feel alone and abandoned! Dawn’s studying abroad! I miss Iris! And Mary… my past mistakes haunt me.

Mary: You’re not alone, Wilbur! We all make mistakes! We’re going to Lookout Point. Maybe the view will help us both gain perspective. (They cross the stage and stand atop a deadly cliff overlooking a turbulent ocean.)

Wilbur: It’s beautiful, Mary!

Mary: I come here when I need a change of perspective. Sometimes it helps.

Wilbur: Maybe it’ll help me. I’ve been feeling… alone and stuck in a rut.

Mary: Wilbur, you traveled for a whole year around the globe to meet and write about disaster survivors.

Wilbur: Yes.

Mary: Then how can you feel stuck in a rut?

Wilbur: I’m back in real life now, Mary. I’m facing my own personal demons and regrets. When I returned from my trip, Dawn was a godsend. She was much-needed company and my confidante.

Mary: This is after you broke up with Iris?

Wilbur: Yes, I made a mess of things with Iris. Now, with my daughter away and Iris off with another guy, I’m alone.

Mary: You’re not alone, Wilbur. As for Iris… some people aren’t meant to be in your life forever. Remember… you have friends. I’ll always have an open ear and a shoulder for you to cry on.

Wilbur: Thanks, Mary.

Mary: You have two excellent columns in the papers. How are they?

Wilbur: Business as usual. But despite my work, I feel… unsettled and anxious.

Mary: Maybe you just need to have some fun. Are there hobbies you want to pursue?

Wilbur: I can’t think of any at this time.

Mary: You’re wrapped up in your problems, which is easy to do when you’re alone. Try to find good in every day.

Wilbur: I’m trying Mary, I really am! I look at others and I feel like a loser compared to them!

Mary: This vulnerability is part of being human. Give yourself compassion rather than judging yourself as less than others.

Wilbur: I don’t know how. The feeling of hopelessness is almost unbearable sometimes! When I’m alone with my thoughts, it’s like going into a bad neighborhood… I always get beat up. When I returned from my trip around the world, I struggled to deal with complicated romantic issues. I didn’t totally go under because Dawn was there for me!

Mary: I imagine your daughter was therapeutic company after you broke up with Iris.

Wilbur: Now Dawn’s studying in Italy… and I’m feeling abandoned! I try not to think about Iris, but I’m reminded of her all the time! 

 

Wilbur: Let's have this conversation again next week.

Mary: Definitely.