Dead Ringer? That's awesome! Why didn't one of us think of that sooner??
Karen Moy is still a genius.
Definitely don't look back. If you do, you might realize that Dave, with two arms, broke up with Dawn over five months ago, leaving Wilbur to ask, "How long will this go on?" as Dawn watched Game of Thrones over and over and over and declared, "Life is Brutal."
You might remember that the entire month of June was spent making arrangements for Mary to take over Wilbur's column so he could cash in a favor with Giorgio and take Dawn on an oppressively expensive Italian vacation. Because Dave, with two arms, broke up with her.
July, unfortunately, was so full of action that it was very disconcerting for all of us. From Michelangelo's David, with two arms, to Wilbur and Dawn experiencing an international maritime disaster ripped from the headlines... and all the text, word for word, that followed the headlines.
If you look back, you'll remember that in August, everybody looked back and repeated Dawn's adventure over and over and over again, and Dawn regretted missing Dave, with two arms.
In September, Dawn met Jim, with one arm. Last week, suddenly, there seemed to be some real dramatic tension building. Dawn wanted to walk along the pier where Jim had lost his other arm, and where his sister Merry somehow lost her life. She thought taking Jim to the pier would help clear their heads. Jim's reaction, was strong and upsetting for most of us. But fortunately, this happened today:
Dawn, you always know how best to help people. The hospital ought to pay you for your awesome skills as a social worker. After all, you have finished an entire year of college, haven't declared your major, and have overcome an addiction to the Internet using the controversial Kite Flying Method. You're exactly the kind of professional the hospital staff wants working with their patients.
Enjoy the Pier.
You know how when you take an English sentence and you put it in Google Translate, and then translate it back to English, the results can be hilarious? I did that with Dawn's sentence and got this:
"I like to walk along the pier. Let's go together later."
Google Translate: 1. Karen Moy: Zero.
Ah, Mountview Hospital. So many special memories we've shared together. The cafeteria where we met. The cafeteria where we ate food. The cafeteria where I reached into my pocket for my wallet to show you this picture I still haven't shown you. Yes, we'll always have the Mountview Hospital Cafeteria. No matter what happens.
Of course, this implies that something could happen. Which would be a real change of pace.
If Dawn and Jim were really all that comfortable with each other, Jim would be all like, "Hey, check out McBeardy over there... He shaves off his sideburns. It must be a lot of work just to shave your sideburns and still grow such an awesome beard." Because that's what real friends do. They make fun of people who are different from them. It builds unity and group identity.
My boyfriend has a 100-year-old tortoise named Lenny that he lets roam around his apartment. When friends are over, he likes to put a dish towel over Lenny's shell and set drinks on him and use him as a serving table. I feel this is exploiting Lenny's innocence and cheerful disposition. Plus, the drinks sometimes topple over and make a mess, which makes me angry. What should I do?
Readers in Ohio.
P.S. Do you believe in reincarnation?
It's been said a long life is good. A short life is also good. What matters is what we accomplish while we are here... for ourselves and others. One day we'll look back on our lives and take stock of everything we've done. Why not make the view worth it? Bad things happen to innocent and guilty alike. We wonder: Why? We can't control what happens to us... only our reaction to what happens. We must do good while we can. It was Goethe who said, "Choose wisely. Your choice is brief, yet endless." Throughout the ages people wonder... why do bad things happen to good people? Some say we are the sum total of all our experiences... present and past lives. Who knows? What matters is what we do to improve ourselves and the world with our actions. HERE AND NOW.
Copyright Santa Royale Gazette. All rights reserved.
"Ask Wendy" is a weekly column written by Wendy, a fat bald man. You may write to her care of the Santa Royale Gazette.
Merry? Your sister's name is Merry? Is your father's name Don? And your uncle's name Wyllber? Has Karen Moy finally run out of generic WASP-ish sounding names and resorted to using homophones?
Of course, this could lead to some hilarious farcical hi-jinx, where everyone thinks it was Mary Worth who was killed when the ferry hit the pier. Let the MERRIment commence!
Can we please talk about baseball instead? The Giants advance to the National League Championship Series. And both the Nationals and the Orioles survive do-or-die situations to advance to the final game of the series!
As I ponder the value of a short life well lived, I think I will fill my time with my absolutely favorite short film. I have probably posted this before, but I don't care!
Back in the day, you could read Mary Worth and come away a better person. Wiser. Kinder. With a clearer direction. These days, Mary's advice will drive you tens of thousands of dollars into debt, and enable nothing less than total self absorption.
From one comic strip character to another:
Yesterday, there was quite a bit of outrage from readers in our comments section when they learned that Dawn, who apparently has been attending Local University for at least eight years, declared that she had not declared a major because she had so many interests.
Today, Mary continues enabling Dawn's vapid apathy by telling her to take as much time as she needs.
Dawn, since your father is a complete nincompoop, and unable to relate to you in any way, I'm going to give you some fatherly advice: "Get your degree! College is essential, but it is an expensive speed bump in your life that you need to get over as quickly as possible. It doesn't matter what you major in. Enjoy it, but get out of there and get on with life.
"Oh, yeah, and stop wearing purple business suits."
Once an undergrad has spent nine years at the university, declaring a major is pretty much pointless. You might as well just keep exploring your options for as long as they keep cashing your tuition checks.
I thought Dawn might enjoy watching Paul Ryan's video diary:
You know, it isn't just the water! In the Worthiverse, everything else is changing all the time too: Lamps, china closets, landscaping, accessories, book shelves... In fact, it's hard to think of anything that doesn't change regularly.
But it still feels like everyone is standing still.
I know there's a joke in here somewhere, but I just can't seem to come up with it.
In the meantime, here's a commercial about two friends enjoying coffee together. This commercial reminds me of Jim and Dawn because the man only has one arm. And clearly they're just friends.