Mary Worth 300

Does Toby really fear for her life? This is absolutely startling. Judging by the thick, yellow mucus dripping from her empty eye sockets, this is serious. I had pegged Ian as a lot of things (blowhard, pompous windbag, sea captain), but I never figured him for a wife killer.

But don't worry, Toby; he probably won't literally kill you. Since you keep separate credit card accounts, Ian can simply divorce you and let you pay off the loan yourself by selling your miniature art pieces. Or, if suspicions are accurate and you really are a robotic gynoid, Ian will simply sell you online to pay off the debt. How ironic.

Today's full strip.

Mary Worth 299

"Someone bought me a house? I've always wanted to live in Canada!"

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 298

Even Mrs. Toby "Victoria" L. Cameron, with her superior and tremendously well reconstructed nose in the air, knows she hasn't moved to Canada, thus proving her point: Bank of Santa Royale is an idiot.

Today's full strip.

Mary Worth 297

I don't think we've seen Toby's tail before. Beautiful plumage!

Gertrude McFuzz would be envious.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 296

"I better not call my bank back. This sounds like some kind of scam to get me to reveal my credit card number over the phone."

Today's Full Strip.

Mary Worth 295

Mrs. Toby L. Cameron has fallen to the floor in anguish! This looks like a job for the Protectors of the Earth!



Today's Full Strip.

Mary Worth 294

Yeah, give me something I do need! Like a 45-pound bucket of tile grout, or a bank that can decide whether or not to include the article 'The' as part of its name, or an answering machine that doesn't shape shift like Odo the Changeling on Deep Space Nine so I can find the 'erase' button before this message concludes and get busy tiling my kitchen floor!

Today's full strip.

Mary Worth 293

Aha! New plot: Toby retiles her kitchen floor. We'll spend the first week watching her pull up the old tile.

Week two: She'll sand down the left over grout.

Week three: Toby will lay down 1/2-inch cement board.

Week four: Toby discovers that she needs to adjust her floor boards to accommodate her new floor height. And she remembers to seal the edges to prevent water damage.

Week five: She starts to lay down the grout and tile using her spacers to help create a tasteful, artistic pattern.

Week six: Toby gets out her wet-saw and cuts the edge pieces to fit.

Week seven: We watch the grout dry.

Week eight: Mrs. Toby L. Cameron seals the grout and checks her answering machine.


Today's Full Strip.

Mary Worth 292

I'm not sure what the heck is wrong with the roof of your car, Toby, but for heaven's sake, keep your eyes on the road. If you roll that vehicle, you'll be donating your heart to some needy soul at Mountview Hospital. So will Ian, since clearly he's had the airbag removed to make room for his considerable girth. Of course, Ian's booze-sodden liver is not eligible for the organ donor program.

Today's Full Strip.

Doesn't it just go figure that the day my ZAF! Gear arrives in the mail...

... dear reader Chris informs me that Zaf! is already a very expensive line of jeans!

Mary Worth 291

As a public service, I have not reprinted panel one from today's strip as it is highly disturbing. You may view the strip in its entirety by clicking the "full strip" link below. Public reaction will no doubt be strong since it is such an upsetting image. I feel the need, once again, to request that comments on this blog remain rated PG or milder, only because my initial reaction upon viewing Ian's line of sight and his waistline (if you can call it a waist), was to call the FCC and complain about decency standards in the media.

Rather, today I wish to focus on panel two and the hope we've been given that no one will mention Scotland again for at least a week!

One must wonder if Ian is traveling to Chicago in his swimsuit since this is the second time his wife has said she'd see him when he gets back. Apparently, this is their good-bye scene. At least he won't get held up at the metal detector, unless of course he gets stuck in it.

Today's Full Strip. If you dare.

Mary Worth 290

So, while Toby is upstairs figuring out how to pay for the collector's edition of Scotland, Ian is down at the pool inviting strangers to attend the teachers conference in Chicago? One gets the impression, however, that the women of Charterstone are used to Professor Cameron's overtures. Perhaps this is his standard greeting when poolside, as common as "Good afternoon, buttercup."

And did Ian say Chicago? Next week? I totally recommend the Amalfi Hotel!

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 289

This story is going to take a few years to tell because paying for Ian's gift will require bearing a child and then selling it on the open market. After all, it was a hard-to-find item.

Today's Full Strip.

Mary Worth 288

We should be grateful each day for the blessings in our lives. Today, I'm especially grateful that when Toby imagines her husband naked, she only thinks about him from the neck up.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 287

Gosh, the plot has turned in a completely new direction: Alzheimer's. This is going to be really powerful. Or we stay with the stolen credit card story and wait until her next bill arrives three years from now. By that time, this criminal mastermind will have run up charges on Toby's credit card at dollar stores all over Florida's greater Suncoast region. It's frustrating for the merchants, too, because each of those $1.00 purchases costs them more than $1.00 in fees.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 286

Such sweet mercy that we didn't have to spend the entire week listening to Ian go on and on about his collector's edition of Scotland narrated by Sean Finnery. Of course, Toby's been babbling about it since July 30th.

Sadly, Toby and Ian's credit card is issued by Fred's Bank. Not only won't they alert you about any suspicious activities (such as $14,000 in international cash withdrawals in just over a week), but you don't even get frequent flier rewards for fraudulent charges. Their bills sure come fast though.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 285

Yesterday, I posted some strips from 1998, when John Saunders was still alive, before Karen Moy took over the writing of Mary Worth. Today's strip really points out Ms. Moy's superior skills as a writer. Under Saunders' hand, Ian was all, "What the blazes? I haven't the faintest clue!" and, "Bloody thing is almost human." Today, Ian speaks more like a soap opera comic character ought, "You mentioned it being a hard to find item." Thank heaven she's replaced vulgar expressions that gave insight into Ian's character, with prim and passive sentence construction to teach the many children who read this strip how to speak like true Americans.

Today's post is brought to you by ZAF Gear.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 284

Wait a minute! Sean Finnery is a knight? And he has a goatee? You know, he starting to remind me of Sean Connery, the Oscar winning actor from - wait a minute - Scotland. What a strange coincidence.

Speaking of knights, it was brilliant of them to film this documentary in the pitch black of the night. It's the next best thing to sleeping there.

I stumbled across these Mary Worth strips from over ten years ago. It appears that perhaps as early as 1998 Toby and Ian had discovered their computer ineptness.



Don't forget to enjoy your FREE Secret Messages.

Am I the only one who thinks this strip is much, much better in black and white? Of course not; I'm sure Joe Giella agrees.

Mary Worth 283

Clicking a button? Do we click buttons? I thought we buttoned them. I don't recall seeing buttons in Santa Royale; I'll have to check that with Tina at Mary Worth, Style Maven. I'm assuming they were banned years ago when The Mary found people were using them as some sort of amulet to protect themselves from her meddling. Oh, wait. I know why I'm confused: Toby is talking about her mouseless-computer. I tried using the Internet without my mouse this morning, and guess what: it wasn't easy! But Toby, being smart and resourceful, must have found a way after Ian hid her mouse in his secret place to keep her from doing something stupid online.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 283

Toby, if you think searching online for a DVD about Scotland and clicking "Add to Cart" was difficult, just wait until you discover that your identity's been stolen. I think it's going to take a little more effort than just entering a password and listening to one of Mary Worth's platitudes to solve that problem.

Yesterday, dear reader Eats Shoots and Leaves suggested that Ian did not look like a college professor. To present my counter-perspective, I offer this photograph (circa 1992) of Wanders with the director of my graduate program. Shave the mustache and, voila! He even spoke in a voice you'd imagine coming from Professor Cameron. However, that's where the similarities end; Professor Carl H.P. Dahlgren was an outstanding teacher and administrator. He's since retired, but we still love him! In fact, a scholarship fund in his name at the University of Cincinnati's College-Conservatory of Music just closed a $600,000 campaign, so, rock on, Carl!

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 282

Oh, Ian, how we've missed you and your subtly manipulating beard. "You wouldn't happen to have prepared an unnecessary dinner for me to eat after a long hard day of work, would you? I hope you didn't strain yourself by saving money in the self serve lane, did you? You haven't happened to be giving our credit card number out to strangers again, now have you?"

The great thing is that Toby is secretly delighted that she actually has planned an unnecessary extravagance. Something very special: $14.95 for a DVD about Scotland. It may not seem like much, but something tells me that this will be one birthday he'll never forget!

Change of subject: In case anyone hasn't noticed, a few days ago I added a new link on my Blog Links widget to Mary Worth, Style Maven. If you haven't visited yet, check it out! It is wonderful.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 281

What are all these people cheering about?

He's back! All hail the conquering hero.



Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 280

Internet secrets are never good for a marriage. You can't fix the problem until you know what the problem is. That's why Mary Worth and Me recommends PC Tattletale. It's easy to install and could just save your relationship. PC Tattletale secretly records everything your spouse does on the computer. Believe me, you aren't going to like it. But it is for the best.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 279

This is what happens when you become completely dependent on others telling you what to do. When you try to do something on your own, without Mary Worth or your husband's beard there to show you how, you make decisions that will absolutely ruin your life for years to come. We've been screaming at you all week, Toby, but you aren't listening. Just think what'll happen when Professor Chinbeard finds out he's got no credit, he's in debt up to his eyeballs, his condo goes into foreclosure, his car is repossessed, and he's kicked off the faculty at Local University. Then he gets his DVD. Yup, he's going to be very pleased with his smart, resourceful soon-to-be ex-wife. This is going to be hilarious!

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 278

Internet safety quiz:

What should Toby do?

A) Click the link and enter her credit card number, Social Security number, or other personal information.

B) By-pass the link, and go directly to Enormoushop.com to see if there is a problem with the account.

C) Read this.

Let me hasten to warn all my readers. If you receive an email that requires you to click a link to re-enter personal information, or re-authorize an account, or update your credit card, do not click the link. I get them from senders claiming to be PayPal sometimes. By holding your cursor over the link without clicking, you can sometimes see that the link will take you to someplace other than the trusted site. If the URL is something like paypal.fkeosk.com, it is not a PayPal site; rather, it belongs to fkeosk.com.

The best thing to do is just go to the trusted site directly, the way you normally would. If there is a problem with your account, the company will notify you there. But divorcing your husband and getting a life is a good second option.

Belive me, you don't want to be the victim of identity theft, or this could happen to you.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 277

After all the attention Toby's credit card has gotten this week, I just have this image stuck in my head:

Tonight, sitting near the steel glow of the Philco, a sweaty waiter in a white shirt talks business with his two creepy buddies. "I got one today," he says, wiping a smudge of stew from off his elbow.

"So did I," says the hippie in the oil-stained camouflage. "Easy as checkin' under the hood."

"Me too. Me get one too!" says the brilliant computer hacker who happens to be a fairly good speller for a four year old.

Imagine their surprise when they realize they all have stolen the identity of the same person! "But we can't all be Toby Cameron!"

----------

Lunch with Mary Worth: $21.17

Filling up in the full-service lane: $112.48

Purchasing a rare documentary about Scotland: $11.29.

Having your identity stolen three different times on the same day? Priceless.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 276

Toby sure knows a lot about computers and junk. Having completed her order at enormoushop.com for a used copy of Scotland narrated by Sean Finnery, she's off to demonstrate another way computers can be useful: Email. Email is short for electronic mail. From what I understand, email is like sending a letter using a computer. If someone else has a computer, you can use a special software program to send the letter directly to that person's computer. The panel above is confusing because she uses the phrase "SPAM and junk." We all know that SPAM is a processed meat product that comes in a can and is delicious. But in technical computer lingo, it can also mean email that the recipient does not wish to receive, sent by a stranger. Toby's redundant use of the phrase "Spam and junk" is merely to help us understand what she means by the word "Spam," which is generally sent for the purposes of selling illegal prescription drugs, promoting non-existent stocks, or recommending ways to increase your junk. But who needs more junk? Not me.

And here we all thought this was going to be a story about credit card debt or identity theft. Turns out, it is even more exciting: Computers Can Be Helpful and Junk.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 275

Like most Mary Worth fans, I've hesitated to use the Internets. It's pretty intimidating stuff. I've been especially nervous about shopping online, but if anyone has convinced me to give it a whirl, it's been Toby Cameron. What impresses me the most? How quick online shopping is. Three years from now, when her rare item arrives, Ian is going to be pleased with his smart, resourceful second-best wife.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 274

I actually set up an e-store about eight months ago, but found that there was such little interest that I disbanded it. However, given the sudden theme of e-commerce in Mary Worth, I thought I'd let you all enjoy exploring Mary Worth's favorite online marketplace:

Click to visit the Mary Worth & Me Store. It really does sell everything!

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 273

I have no idea who runs enormoushop.com, but they had it up within 30 minutes of the midnight launch of today's strip. In fact, according to godaddy.com, they had the site registered on August 1. Somebody had some inside information and used it for the betterment of the entire world. I suspect the Dharma Initiative.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 272

We're all feeling the pain at the pump, and the fact that Toby drives a Mary Kay Pink Cadillac that takes only the most refined fossil fuel, and she refuses to use the self-service lane... well, that's going to max out her card right there. Tonight, she'll weep, "Oh, Ian. I couldn't get you a special present to suit your particular tastes because I maxed out my credit card on lunch for Mary Worth and a tank of gas! Waaaah!"

Kudos to Pandagrandma who may have come closest to predicting our new storyline in yesterday's comments section.

Dear readers, your comments are almost always wonderful, even if they're just to tell me how great this blog is (in fact, those are the best). However, it is once again time for me to remind us all that this is a family friendly blog. Comical and lighthearted jests about pedophilia, human trafficking, pornography and other forms of miscreant behavior are best directed to one of my favorite blogs, the Comics Curmudgeon, where they will be greatly appreciated. I'm not trying to lose your readership, or your commentary, it's just that several families are reading this blog - bizarre families, but families nonetheless. Please, do it for the children.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 271

I don't know what to say anymore. Many faithful readers speculated that yesterday's episode ("Paying the Check") would actually lead to some sort of plot about identity theft. But no, it turns out, it really was just about paying the check. Today's episode ("Looking for a DVD") is slightly more exciting, but only because of that guy's ZAP shirt. Tomorrow's episode ("Finding a Gift on Amazon.com") will no doubt blow my mind. If the story had actually followed Mary Worth as she attended to her paperwork I think it may have been more exciting.

Today's Full Strip