Mary Worth 224

I still don't get how we're defining the word "friend" here. What is this outlandish statement based upon? A depressing platitude? "We cannot change what God determines." Some obvious advice? "Your mother wants you to reconcile with your brother." A questionable medical assessment? "Talk to her, Ron. Your brain-dead mother can hear you." Super-natural prophecy: "Your dead mother must have known you reconciled." And a little social banter? "Thanks for inviting me to your mother's funeral, Ron!"

I'm sorry, but "What did I do to deserve you," is a line reserved only for the most intimate relationships, like the Captain and Maria. Just saying you're friends doesn't really make it so. Jeff and Mary, now that's friendship! They sail together, and take long walks, and conspire to send the children off to Vietnam. Mary supports Jeff in his hobbies, like doctor stuff and fund raising, and Jeff - until recently - supports Mary in her meddling projects. If Ron is this desperate for friendship, I have no idea how he maintained the political network necessary to be appointed to the town council. (And it still bugs me that he wasn't elected.)

But one thing is for certain, Mary Worth can use all the friends she can get these days. The Oklahoman has added itself to the long list of newspapers cutting our beloved Charterstone matriarch.

Mary Worth 223

We've got a lot of ground to cover at La Rosa, so let's get started, shall we?

You can tell by the carefully prepared brown lumps of food and the fact that Father McIrish-Green-Jacket dines here with the head of the Women's Auxilary (albeit without a table), that La Rosa is nothing less than a Five Star (★★★★★) dining experience.

Gosh, Ron Amalfi is so committed to this mysterious, political-sounding thing called "downtown revitalization," that he's willing to trade a normal life for late nights at work, long hours on the phone, and boring business trips... Wait a minute. For most of us, that is normal life. Dining at five star restaurants with Mary Worth, however, would be anything but normal.

Finally, the opening panel demands a little attention.

If you're so intent, Ron, on making a change, then why don't you start by changing your expression?

The King Features Store

Did you know that King Features Syndicate has a King Features Store? It's a Cafe Press store where you can buy licensed shirts, mugs, tote bags, and framed art of King Features' characters.

They feature Beetle Baily, Bizarro, Baby Blues, Zits ... even Hagar the Horrible, and the Lockhorns. So why not Mary Worth? I for one would love a few Mary Worth T-shirts or sweaters. Heck I'd even love a T-shirt with just "Moy & Giella" signed across the back.

Ita Golzman is the vice president of North American licensing at King Features. Why not shoot her an email and let her know you'd love to see Mary Worth included at the King Features Store.

Mary Worth 222

Uh oh. Politics. Tricky subject for Mary Worth. Obviously, Mary Worth was supporting Hillary Clinton because they're both women, and according to cable news, women supported Hillary Clinton. Additionally, Mary Worth will now be voting for McCain because according to cable news, people who supported Hillary Clinton could never vote for Barak Obama. Even though Clinton and Obama are so alike on so many issues that it led to a major split in the Democratic Party, Clinton supporters are so angry that they will abandon all their political principles and vote for McCain out of spite. Also, McCain is old according to cable news, so that's another reason Mary Worth will vote for him.

Mary Worth 221

Yesterday's cliffhanger: "Where will we eat?" Today's climax: "La Rosa." Whew! And so many of us were certain they were going to the Bum Boat. I totally didn't see this coming. I love when the plot takes a complete left turn like this. Whoa. It's what makes Mary Worth so exciting. And Mexican food is so much spicier than seafood, which also says something about Ron vs. Jeff.

Plus, Ron has been appointed to Santa Royale's Town Council making him spicey and powerful. Apparently, in Santa Royale they realize that the citezenry is too simple-minded to actually choose their officials through a democratic election. So the King of Santa Royale appoints them.

Exciting news: According to Archie News, our very own legendary comic artist Joe Giella has inked the cover of the upcoming "Archie's Pals & Gals Double Digest" #122. Look for it in specialty stores on June 11th, and on newsstands June 25th. This man just doesn't slow down!

Mary Worth 220

Please don't eat at the Bum Boat. Please don't eat at the Bum Boat. If Ron takes Mary Worth to the Bum Boat, despite their ridiculously early reservation, Jeff might see them, or the wait staff might get suspicious, but no doubt it will only make things worse. And that would mean a plot might start to develop, which could be too much for Mary Worth fans to handle.

But the main reason I don't want them to go to the Bum Boat is that I am only aware of three restaurants in Santa Royale: The Bum Boat (★★★); Three Trees (★★★★); and the Junction Road Cafe (★). And it's always fun to discover a new place to eat.

I was thrilled by the panel above. Since Mary Worth read the Charterstone bylaws and discovered that, yes, pets are allowed, everyone is getting dogs to carry. And it makes them so happy!

Mary Worth 219

This is it: The Big Moment. Mary Worth has been waiting for weeks to find out just exactly how much Ron is inheriting.

I have to admit, when I first read this, I thought Mary was the one saying she had good news to share, i.e.: I dumped Jeff. I was disappointed when I figured out the first balloon was coming from the phone.

Somewhere down this lumbering storyline, there's going to be this moment when Jeff admits feeling jealous of Ron Amalfi. And if Mary even so much as hints that her feelings were completely altruistic and not romantic in the least, she deserves to burn in hell for eternity. Skin worms eating her flesh, eyeballs dangling from their sockets. Because that's what liars get.

Mary Worth 218

So this is the conversation that Mary Worth broke up with Dr. Jeff Corey over. Ouch.

Mary Worth 217

You know what would be AWESOME? If Jeff and Mary Worth took a mini-vacation to the Amalfi Hotel in Chicago like Mrs. Wanders and I did last weekend. Wouldn't that just creep Jeff out? "Uh, Mary, why'd you pick this hotel?" And she answers, "It was recommended on Mary Worth and Me." That would be awesome! (Separate rooms, of course, for Mary and Jeff.)

Mary Worth 216

It isn't serious, Mary Worth? Then why does it look like he's punched you in the lip?

"Of course I didn't misunderstand him, Toby! How dare you insinuate that the fault could somehow lie with me! I think it's time for you to leave. Clearly, we both need a little breathing room."