The 2013 Worthy Awards

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Sixth Annual Worthy Awards!

Thousands of your votes have been tabulated! The citizens of Santa Royale have walked the fuschia carpet, and are now ready to congratulate themselves for their wonderfulment. They've taken their seats for what promises to be an evening of glamour, embarrassing acceptance speeches and political controversy.

So without further adieu, it's time for an opening number:

Here's a special encore performance of Broadway Legend Ken Kensington singing his classic "Some Enchanted Mugging!"

It's time to present our annual Aldo Kelrast Award. This coveted prize is awarded each year to a character who dies. And this year's winner is Eleanor Dill!

Congratulations Eleanor! We were lucky to have you as long as we did. Sorry we couldn't attend your funeral. We had better thangs to do.

And now onto our first Worthy Award!

The nominees for Outstanding Use of a Prop are:

Mary Worth for Yoga Matt-Ress.

Shelly Cohen for Bagels, Onions and Lox.

Mary Worth for Soup Pot.

John Dill for Cake Topper.

And the Worthy winner is:

John Dill for Cake Topper.

John Dill was unable to attend tonight's awards ceremony because he is in New York City studying with Chef Pierre. His trophy will be mailed to him. And as a special tribute to John Dill, his trophy is made out of pink sugar.

The nominee for Outstanding Floating Head are:

Beth Kinley for Nightmare.

Mary Worth for Beach Ball Head.

Tom Harpman for All Around Greatness.

The Girls of Pax for the Girls of Pax.

Mary Worth for Mary in the Sky with Dill.

Jeff Cory, M.D., for Heavy Matter.

Mary Worth for Patron Saint of Owed Favors.

And the Worthy winner is:

Mary Worth for Mary in the Sky with Dill.

Mary Worth was unable to attend tonight's awards because she is in New York City secretly dating Broadway Legend Ken Kensington. Her trophy will be mailed to her. And as a special tribute to Mary Worth, her trophy is made out of pink sugar.

The nominees for Outstanding Guest Character are:

Aggie

Shannon Brown

Dr. Milton Smith

Elinor Kinley

Central Park Troll

Ken Kensington

And the Worthy winner is:

Dame Elinor Kinley

Dame Elinor Kinley is too sick to attend tonight. Her trophy will be mailed to her. As a tribute to Dame Kinley, her trophy is made out of pink placebo sugar.

The nominees for Outstanding Performance by a Regular Character are:

Dr. Jeff Cory, M.D.

Mary Worth

Wilbur Weston

Toby Cameron

And the Worthy winner is:

Mary Worth

Well, this is embarrassing. Mary Worth still hasn't arrived... We will mail... yada yada yada... pink sugar.

The nominees for Most Beautiful Use of Nature:

The Beauty of Nature Cake

The Beauty of Nature Park

The Beauty of Nature Wellness Center

And the Worthy winner is:

The Beauty of Nature Cake

Accepting the award for his cake would be John Dill if he were here... ::sigh::

The nominees for Panel of the Year are:

Better than Carrie Underwood, but not as good as Julie Andrews.

Prestigious Names

Mary Relives Aldo's Death

Mary Never Spills

And the Worthy winner is:

Better than Carrie Underwood, but not as good as Julie Andrews.

And... accepting the award isn't Mary Worth... But I'm sure she's pleased. So far, we've got an auditorium full of losers.

The nominees for Best Hug are:

Mary Worth and John Dill

Shannon Brown and Mary Worth

Shelly Cohen and Mary Worth

Shelly Cohen and Dr. Milton Smith

Tom Harpman and Beth Kinley

And the Worthy winners are:

Tom Harpman and Beth Kinley

I don't believe it! Tom Harpman is actually here to accept this award! His wife couldn't be here tonight because she's home taking care of her sick mother. This is a new award category, and just goes to show that the Citizens of Santa Royale love awkward touching! Congratulations to the Harpmans!

And now, the moment we've all been waiting and waiting and waiting for: The nominees for Story of the Year are

The Widow June

Tom Harpman Gets a Wife

The Beauty of Cakes

Shannon Brown Means to Help

And the winner is:

The Beauty of Cakes

Thank you for voting and selecting this year's winners. Okay, okay... so we didn't have a lot of acceptance speeches tonight. But I'm sure we are all very happy for the winners! And who knows, maybe next year's Worthy awards will be held in New York City! Don't you just HEART New York? But its cold there this time of year, so I'm headed to Disney World. I'll see you in a week!

Mary Worth 1759

Well no wonder there was almost an accident. Two green lights. Wake up Mayor de Blasio, get the lights of 42nd Street back online!

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 1758

It's easy to love New York when you have a heroic Broadway legend protecting you from every mugger and giant flying taxi in town.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 1757

Beware the Scarf of the Triffid! It walks... it talks... it stalks... it KILLS!

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 1756

"Oh, Jeff, I'm so confused. I don't know what I want anymore. I met the most dashing man who has wooed me relentlessly. We've seen each other every day -- he even bought me a ten dollar scarf! He wants me to stay here in New York City so we can be together. Oh, Jeff, it's so stimulating here, but it would be a big change. It would mean leaving the Bum Boat and the warm Santa Royale winters. But I've never been this happy. Oh, Jeff. I'm so glad you called. What should I do? You've always been such a good friend, I know I can count on you."

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 1755

Sights you've never seen before? Like the Natural History Museum and the Public Library? Or sights like the look in Broadway legend Ken Kensington's eyes as he tenderly wraps a ten dollar scarf around your chilled throat and asks you to stay with him forever? Because I think that's the same look in Jeff Cory's eyes pretty much all the time.

And it's called the city that never sleeps because it's so noisy/hot/cold/smelly at night that no one can sleep.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 1754

Ha ha ha ha! This is so awesome. First there was Aldo Kelrast (death), then Ron Amalfi (politics) and Frank Griffin (ice skating). John Dill even knew when to call it quits (cake school in NYC). But Jeff never gives up. If there was ever an opportunity for Mary to dump Jeff, now would be it: "Jeff, something's come up. I'm staying in New York. Now please don't call me anymore."

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 1753

Floating Head Jeff has been really working out!

Looks like somebody got a new phone for Christmas. If you are looking for a new phone, with no contract, and lots of affordable package options, here's a little link to a new company we just signed up with for my son: Republic Wireless. Use the link and get a $19 credit. We're getting our family off of our Big Carrier contract and we've really been happy with this service. Okay. End of commercial. Back to Mary, the texting addict.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 1752

Mary is mesmerized, as are we all, by Ken's yellow toupee and its remarkable tenacity for staying adhered to his scalp in this biting wind.

Don't forget, just a few more days to vote for the 2013 Worthy Awards!

Today's Full Strip