Mary Worth 270

My jaw literally dropped when I saw today's strip. Stay tuned for tomorrow's exciting installment when Mary Worth and Toby Cameron, satiated on Salad, Stew, and Dessert, actually stand up. Such action packed episodes should be avoided by people who are pregnant, or who have back, neck or heart problems. Talk with your doctor before reading Mary Worth. Possible side effects include increased blood pressure, drowsiness, impotency, short-term memory loss, hair loss, and spontaneous greasy discharge. You should not operate electrical machinery while reading Mary Worth. You may set out a bowl of hard ribbon candy on your coffee table after reading Mary Worth. Tell your doctor if you experience increased gambling, sexual or other intense urges such as a compulsion to help others.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 269

Stepford wife alert! Stepford wife alert! It's a good thing Toby has been thinking of Ian because in the three years since the iconic character last appeared in this strip, I think most of us had totally forgotten all about Professor Chin-Beard. I wonder if he'll make an appearance soon, or if Toby will simply continue to think about him all the time.

In panel two it appears that Mary Worth has once again gotten her straw stuck on that little flap of skin that connects her gums to her lips. Ouch.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 268

I love when people quote Shakespeare and have no idea what they're talking about. The actual speech begins:

If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.

Duke Orsino is suggesting that if he listens to enough music, it will be like eating too much food, and help kill his love and desire for Lady Olivia. Get it? It's just like when you read a lot of Mary Worth and you lose your appetite.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 267

If you've ever seen a concert at the "Venue" in Santa Royale, you know what Mary's talking about. The acoustics are AMAZING. Especially when the "Singers" perform there. But of course, they have beautiful harmony anywhere.

Waiters always make me uncomfortable, and today's waiter is no exception. Especially with his shirt tucked into his mom jeans like that. Whatever ominously shadowy sandwich he is delivering for lunch should be avoided, Toby, or you'll need more than music to heal what ails you.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 266

So, uh, Mary Worth's taste in music is a little better than we all imagined? But surely Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova are better dressers than this. Congratulations to them both though for being featured in Mary Worth! What an incredible honor! I hope someone points this out to them. They'll love it!!

This is the strangest cross-over between the Worthiverse and reality that I think I've ever seen. (Read the original strip here.)



Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 265

If any single question has plagued me this past week, it has been, "What musical duo does Mary Worth want to see?" As you know from my YouTube video, I was hoping for the Weepies, who actually do make beautiful music together, and do it in a far more superior manner than Mary Worth and Jeff Corey ("Blech"). But from the poster on the wall in the panel above (for quite a while I thought it was a door), it is clear that the group is the Dweebs. The name starts with a D and they're well known for their famously tiny guitar. They also dress like freaks. Oh when, oh when is fifth grader and coloring artist Beatrice Chestnut going to realize that denim just isn't that shade of blue?

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Mary Worth 264

I hope we can continue to enjoy this too! This is the most thrilling Mary Worth plot ever, and should it conclude, I mean, where would we go from here?

My flight out of Ohio was canceled late Wednesday night, so I decided to drive home to Maryland. I saw a family in a bit of a panic because the single dad was trying to rent a car and all his credit cards had demagnetized. I asked myself, "What would Mary do?" and offered them a ride as well. We got them to Baltimore in time for the Orioles game at 1 p.m. - their last stop on their annual baseball stadium tour. But I'm so tired that Mary Worth looks brilliant to me.

Today's Full Strip

Yesterday's Full Strip

Mary Worth 263

"I can't see a rose tree without thinking of La Rosa. Ah, La Rosa. So many fond memories of meals there with Ron. I wonder what he's doing now. Perhaps I should give him a call."

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Mary Worth 262

C'mon, Mary, take responsibility. I love how she uses the passive voice: "Mistakes were made." In other words, "You made mistakes, but I'm too kind to blame you directly, my puppet." Never has she suggested that she yearned for the handsome town councilman who tried to beat up his brother in the hospital parking lot, or that perhaps canceling dates with Jeff to console Ron over intimate dinners at romantic restaurants might cross some kind of boundary. No, Mary's her own woman and they have agreed that she need never change; it is Jeff who needs to shut up and accept it.

But the important thing is that Mary has forgiven him because she is such a good person.

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Mary Worth 261

It's a nice thought, Mary, but, no, some things that are old, are just old.

Mary Worth 260

I didn't know Mary Worth was a big Weepies fan- very cool.



And credit resident poet, Scott, for the new banner and the latest addition to the Charterstone Jukebox: Glow Worm. Thanks, Scott!

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Mary Worth 259

My family returned from our camping trip last night, and I couldn't wait to get caught up on this week's Mary Worth. But I was also thrilled to receive "Eats Shoots and Leaves" selection for the Charterstone Jukebox: "See the USA in Your Chevrolet."


If you want to know what my camping trip was like with my family, this video captures it almost precisely. Except we were in a Honda Odyssey.

We camped at Deep Creek Lake in Maryland, and visited several nearby state parks, including Swallow Falls and Blackwater Falls in West Virginia. If you ever have the chance to visit the lodge at Blackwater Falls, do! They recently celebrated its 50th anniversary and I'm pleased to announce that the lodge is permanently stuck in 1957, which has to appeal to any true Mary Worth fan. While the scenery and hiking trails were spectacular, I constantly felt like I was vacationing in some sort of 1957 travel reel. This "Virtual Tour" of the lodge will give you some idea. Have fun exploring the many fine amenities.

But on to Mary Worth:

I have to admit that I was more than a little satisfied with the story's direction this week. All seemed to be just fine until this morning when Jeff turned passive aggressive. Waiting until he's completely satiated himself on seafood scampi, he stabs Mary in the back by bringing up her recent behavior. I almost expect Mary to toss her water onto Jeff's really cool shirt.

Today's Full Strip

Yesterday's Full Strip

And the day before that.

Where's the Bun?

Wanders is camping with his lovely family this week and will return shortly.

In the meantime, I wanted to leave you with this observation: I've always assumed that Mary Worth wears her hair in a bun. However, I've been watching very closely the past few weeks, and from whatever angle I stand, I just can't seem to glimpse Mary's bun.



It's some sort of weird, freaky, rotating hair style. No doubt it travels just like [spoiler alert!] the island in "Lost." Her hair seems to be pulled so tightly that it actually enters the back of her skull.

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Mary Worth 258

Every great tale is thrust forward by its Major Dramatic Question - the question that hooks our interest from the very beginning of the story: Will Adam eat the apple? Will Indiana Jones recover the lost ark? Will Superman save the world?

And now we know the answer to the Major Dramatic Question of the epic Ron Amalfi v. Jeff Corey story: 2A. Mary Worth's apartment number is 2A.

Today's Full Strip

New Banner

Congratulations to Eats Shoots and Leaves for submitting a new banner incorporating today's Most Brilliant Mary Worth Panel Ever. I won't promise to keep it up forever (I'm so fond of "Capisce," and I'd enjoy seeing other ideas - particularly ideas that enhance the Brand. ES&L will be adding a song to the Jukebox soon.

Mary Worth 257

Well, this sure was a wonderful story. Jeff dared to suggest that Mary was paying too much attention to the man whose mother died while he was out beating up his brother in the hospital parking lot. Mary threw Jeff out of her condo for daring to tell her how to run her life. Then she waited school-girl-giddy by the phone for her new boyfriend to call. The new guy takes her out to dinner at the most romantic restaurant in Santa Royale, political power dripping off his Botox tight complexion. When the paparazzi plaster their romantic interlude on the front page of the News, Jeff's feelings are hurt and he dares to say so to Mary. Mary feigns ignorance, claiming her raging desire for this new man is nothing more than friendship, and Jeff storms out of Mary's condo, this time on his own volition.

It's not a bad start, but here's where the typical Mary Worth plot pattern occurs: Ron Amalfi breaks two dates in a row with Mary. Mary cheerfully suggests that because of his busy life, they perhaps shouldn't get too involved with one another and "leave it at that." They thank each other for being so great, and then Mary Worth cooks something. She decides to give Jeff a call, and now he's coming over for some scampi and comfortably boring conversation. Maybe tomorrow they'll even go sailing together.

Yes, the story went from pretty good to absolutely amazing!

A reminder to anyone who is new (and who might have managed to read this far into an unusually lengthy entry): Don't forget to get your FREE Secret Message by holding your cursor over each image (most of them at least).

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Mary Worth 256

Now it's shrimp scampi? Mary, make up your mind. Seafood? Shrimp? Ron? Jeff?

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Mary Worth 255

Jeff: Run. For. Your. Life! In some sort of insane rage, Mary Worth has stuffed every single one of her knives into the toaster. Then, grabbing the last knife and waving it menacingly, she has one thought: "Jeff and I need to 'talk.'" Run, Jeff, run! And whatever you do, don't eat her seafood scampi unless she takes the first bight!

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 254

I can't tell if this is Mary Worth's thought balloon, and the thought balloon is thinking of the Bum Boat, or if this is the fish on the wall's thought balloon, and the thought balloon is thinking about Mary and her really, really tall refrigerator.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 253

Could it be that Mary Worth has become so accustomed to being taken to dinner by elderly gentlemen, that she has forgotten how to cook? She seems quite confused in her own kitchen. However, I'm sure once she gets back in the swing of things, she won't be able to stop. The sun will rise to find Mary Worth smudged with flour and cocktail sauce, asleep beneath her kitchen table, surrounded by mounds of seafood scampi, pies, frosted cupcakes and noodle casseroles.

[Edited to add this link to a recipe for "seafood scampi")

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 252

Right now, every man who reads Mary Worth (and, yes, there are millions of us), is thinking, "That's how you end a relationship! No tears, no vindictiveness, no Ex-lax brownies on the doorstep." But, guys, you forget how Mary broke up with Jeff Corey; you forget that Mary Worth is the most psychotic of all comic strip characters - more so than Jon Arbuckle or Ziggy, or even that dog in Peanuts. You forget that she's showing up at the next town council meeting dressed in that pink hot pants outfit, waving a carving knife. So before you start thinking you wished every woman you dated was like Mary Worth, take a good hard look at the teary-eyed Bum Boat Bum, Jeff Corey, alone at a table for one, muttering to himself with a shiny string of spittle running down to the edge of his cocktail glass.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 251

As soon as her magic mirror is off the phone, Mary Worth is going to get a good look at who has been handing Ron blank pieces of paper.

Yes, Mary, let's just leave it at that. Tomorrow you can call Jeff Corey and tell him you're sorry for neglecting him; he'll apologize for being such a proud male; and the two of you can go have a delightful seafood dinner at the Bum Boat. It will be the perfect Mary Worth ending to a perfect Mary Worth story.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 250

I love this plot! It never gets old.

• Mary Worth puts on a miniskirt and awaits Ron Amalfi's arrival.
• Jeff Corey calls, but Mary screens his call, mocking his pathetic voice mail message.
• Ron Amalfi breaks their date but promises to call again tomorrow with details about their next romantic dinner together.
• Mary eats a can of tuna, alone. Repeat forever.
  

This could go on for months. It already has. It is totally awesome.

It reminds me of the Usual Suspects or Pulp Fiction or the Sixth Sense - It's so obvious you just don't see it coming! Now we can add Mary Worth to the list of greatest stories ever told.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 249

Meanwhile, back at the Suburban Man Cabin, Dr. Jeff Corey indulges in some mental self-flagellation. One comment, though, Jeff: You may have been petty, you may have been unreasonable and proud. You may even have been stupid and male. But you were certainly not wrong. In fact, you were very, very right. Your girl friend was doing everything she could to spend as much time as possible with Ron Amalfi. She was deeply seduced by the power of his appointment to the town council. And although she claimed that their romantic dinner at La Rosa was all about friendship, the ache in her chest was not arthritis, nor pulmonary disease, but unrequited puppy love (although in dog years, she's like 408). No, Jeff, you may be a loser in every way humanly possible, but you were definitely not wrong.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 248

If only Aldo Kelrast could say the same thing, Jeff. But no; Mary's "intervention" literally drove Aldo to his death. Oh, such poignant irony.

Does anybody else thank goodness that your doctor hasn't appeared in Mary Worth? It's the most incompetent collection of medical professionals ever. But even the doctor who graduated at the bottom of his (yes, his) class is still a doctor. And then he is hired at Mountview Hospital. "Your girlfriend gave you medicine? Thank goodness!"

Mary Worth 247

I realize some of you are new to Mary Worth, and you keep hearing Jeff allude to someone having saved his life. I'll try to fill you in. A couple of years ago (in real time), Jeff went off to Vietnam and ended up getting some sort of virus. Mary, having dreamt that Jeff fell off his boat, goes to Southeast Asia to find him, and discovers him in a Hanoi hospital. An English speaking doctor with a really Asian sounding name, Doctor Tran, was perplexed by Jeff's lack of response to the antibiotics he was receiving. Mary then connected Doctor Tran with the fabled Doctor Ling (Ling?) in Santa Royale, California. Dr. Ling recommended a risky, experimental new protocol that he had developed at the esteemed medical facility, Mountview Hospital. This new protocol consisted of something very doctor-ish sounding: "A wider course of antibiotics." And that's how Mary Worth saved Dr. Jeff Corey. Or Dr. Tran did, or Dr. Ling... somebody saved Jeff anyway, but Mary gets all the credit.

Now, if it worked once, why not give it a shot, Dr. Corey. A "shot" of antibiotics that is! Har har.

Oh, by the way, Dr. Jeff's memory of his encounter with Mary in the hospital is a little different than what it was really like:

Scary, huh?

Mary Worth 246

That chart in Dr. Phocomelia's shriveled hand is pretty depressing, just like Jeff's relationship with Mary Worth. The line graph is about to drop down onto those little square thingies, which is never a good sign. What is Jeff going to suggest for Mr. Abner? I'm guessing a day of sailing and dinner for two at the Bum Boat.

Mary Worth 245

Can you find the six differences in these two panels?

Answers:

1) Mary's drapes are open; Ron's blinds are closed when he surfs the Internet.
2) Mary prefers vertical art; Ron's art is horizontal.
3) Mary likes a good wicker-back chair; Ron enjoys fake leather.
4) Mary dresses up for a phone call; Ron likes hanging out in a good cotton T.
5) Mary uses pen and paper to correspond; Ron uses a waffle iron.
6) Ron doesn't need dentures; Mary doesn't have teeth.

Now go enjoy the six differences game!

Mary Worth 244

So after Mary Worth innocently suggests Ron and she go to the Bum Boat for dinner, Ron gags and tells her he doesn't like seafood? It's like a splash of cold water! Maybe she doesn't have as much in common with Ron Amalfi as she first thought when Ron beat up his brother in the hospital parking lot. The man who holds her heart must sincerely appreciate a pan-seared tilapia served with a subtle mango sauce next to a nice rice pilaf and steamed baby carrots. Even if he is the Bum Boat Bum (thank you, Shandyowl! Brilliant!)

I think I've found another clue in my Mary Worth Conspiracy Theory. The Bum Boat seems to have tremendous power over its customers. Just like the island on "Lost." Even after they escape, it calls to them, driving them to make irrational decisions. Anything to protect it from outside influences that might cause it harm, or restrict its liquor license.