Thursday, December 31, 2020

The 13th Annual Worthy Awards

Welcome to the 13th Annual Worthy Awards. Because there is nothing fortuitous about our 2020 ceremony being our 13th. Nothing at all. 

It's a night of glamor and glory, agony and achievement, drubbing and debacle, embarrassment and humiliation, shame and discomfiture, tears and suffering, loss and ... okay, I'm getting carried away. But I promise you, there will be disappointment tonight!

Speaking of disappointment, what are the Worthy Awards if we don't begin the evening with an exciting opening number?

And so, without further ado, the most exciting 1980's music video ever:

Thank you to the Robert Palmer Orchestra. You are all really excellent musicians.

Before we announce the winners chosen by you, we want to take just a moment to present one very special award: the Aldo Kelrast Memorial Award. Each year, this award is given posthumously to a Mary Worth character who has died. And this year's special award goes to a very special lady, Gram! What can we say about Gram? She loved colors. She was a lot like Mary Worth. Also, she had a very secret ingredient that she used in banana bread. It was so secret that even Gram's creator didn't know what it was. Gram, you made 2020 livable.

And now, Local Accounting Firm has tabulated your votes, so let's get right to it!


This year, the nominees for Outstanding Floating Head are... (and let's hope we see more floating heads in 2021)... The nominees are:

Hugo Lambert

Jared Mylo

And the Worthy Award goes to:

Jared Mylo

Congratulations, Jared. You won Dawn's heart, and now you have your very own Worthy Award to prove it.



Chin Napkin



And the winner for outstanding inconsequential character is:

We are pleased to announce that Vin is unable to accept the award tonight because he entered rehab three days ago after his inspirational encounter with his best friend, Tommy.

The nominees for BEST PROP are:

Banana Bread

Blueberry Cobbler


Christmas Display

And the award for Best Prop goes to:

Christmas Display

Unfortunately, Christmas Display could not be here to night; it was destroyed on Christmas Eve by a child running down the frozen foods aisle. The little cherub spent Christmas in the emergency room.



Jared Mylo



And the Worthy Award for Best Performance by a Guest Character goes to:


Congratulations, Madi, on your Worthy Award! Parents of middle school girls everywhere understood your performance deep in their souls and rejoice at your rehabilitation.


Mary Worth

Saul Wynter

Toby Cameron

Tommy Beedie

And the Worthy for Outstanding Performance by a Regular Character goes to:

Saul Wynter

This is Saul's first nomination as a Regular Character. See what happens when you take Geritol everyday?


The nominees for the 2020 Panel of the Year are:

Keeping it Professional

Take this Onion Ring

Post-it Kind of Love


My Water Dish is Empty

And the Worthy Award for Panel of the Year goes to... Ladies and gentlemen, this is unprecedented. We have two nominees who are virtually tied. The judges have asked that we continue with the ceremony and they will consult the rules and report back to us before the end of the program. Stay tuned. 


The nominees for the best line of 2020 are:

Varied and Difficult Situations

Undeniable Connection

Wacky Naked Yoga Practice

If I was Addicted...

And the winner is:

Wacky Naked Yoga Practice

Here's hoping we never hear the phrase "Wacky Naked Yoga Practice" in 2021.


Addicted to Love

Dawn's Dilemma 

Gram Loved Colors

And the winner of Outstanding Story of 2020 is....

Gram Loved Colors

It's been a wonderful year in the Worthiverse, even though the contest for Panel of the Year was too close to call. As the polls closed, "Take This Onion Ring" and "My Water Dish is Empty" were within one vote of each other (no joke), forcing a runoff according to Charterstone Condominium Association Rule 58a (II)c (1997 edition). It looks like this isn't over yet, folks! 

And so, the Condo Board has asked that you go to the polls one more time to determine the Panel of the Year. Please vote for your favorite:

Take this Onion Ring

My Water Dish is Empty

The final determination will be announced on Tuesday, January 5. Thank you for your patriotism. Please vote as often as you feel the winner deserves. And have a happy happy New Year!

Please consider making an end-of-the year donation (it doesn't have to be your entire stimulus check!) to help rehabilitate people like Tommy Beedie, Lyle in Venezuela, and the Eighth Graders at Mountview Middle School. Also, and more sincerely, the Wanders family will be most grateful. 

Your friend and fellow Charterstone resident,



Nance said...

I am outraged. This entire thing was rigged. None of my selections won. This was clearly a hacked election. I refuse to accept these results. No way that Vin beat out Ed, who never even appeared, thus was more inconsequential. Sad!

UC Santa Royale said...

LOL, Nance. And when will there be an award given for the best bold face haiku?

KitKat said...

I see that Nance is channeling the Gallup Poll Most Admired Man of 2020. Nance, I’m shocked, positively shocked! (I’m also shocked that that man was selected - aaaaaaiiiiiieeee!!!)

Wanders, I’m speechless at this year’s wonderful Worthy Awards ceremony - huzzah! I also hope for more floating heads in 2021. Also, I finally realized what this year’s winning floating head reminds me of: one of my favorite Twilight Zone episodes, “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet,” starring William Shatner. That episode is evergreen.

Happy New Year to all, and to all, my wishes for a safe, healthy, peaceful 2021!

MissScarlet said...

Thank you, Wanders. So much to laugh at. So much fun. Thank you.

@KitKat You and me both, sister! (aaaaaaiiiiiieeee!!!) And although Jared is pretty gruesome, I'm not sure if he measures up to that thing that still haunts my dreams from Twilight Zone.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Nance. I demand a recount! I, too, voted for Ed; how could there ever have been a less inconsequential character than one we never even got to see!

And I'm really surprised that we didn't hear from Chin Napkin Groupie; he (she?) must be totally torqued that his (her?) beloved Chin Napkin was relegated to the inconsequential category.

Finally, I have to say that I was never a fan of Robert Palmer. Considering this horrid year we've had to wade through, I think we all could have used a return of the wonderful Mr. Trololo. Of course, considering that he was Russian, that might have added a little more intrigue to the suspicious results of this year's Worthy Awards. And the fact that he's dead; yeah; that too might have been a factor.


Mrvy said...

HelenClark, I don't see why being dead should exclude Mr. Trololo from providing Worthy Awards entertainment. I'm not so sure the drummer in the Robert Palmer band is still alive, yet there she is.

Thank you Wanders, Nance, and all the usual commenters for entertaining those of us who like to lurk but are not nearly as witty.

Mrvy said...

Also, Robert Palmer passed away in 2003, per Wikipedia. Being alive is definitely not a prerequisite for entertaining at the Worthy Awards, it would seem.

Carlye said...

I was playing the Robert Palmer number while scrolling down through the awards, and my cat came in to check it out. He seemed to enjoy it. Of course, no one ever said he was a music critic. He likes it when I sing along to commercials.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Wanders, this entire production was a boffo hit! Your emcee comments are superb as usual, although the commenter objections are also funny as usual.

My only beef is that "Keeping It Professional" was not given its rightful due as one of the greatest panels of any comic of any year. Just look at Tommy's face! How could anyone see that wretched expression and not be changed forever?

Ah, well, the Philistines have spoken.

Welcome New Year, everybody!

-- Scottie McW.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, folks, Tommy looks like Unfrozen Caveman Stockboy!

You gotta respect the grotesqueness!

-- S. McW.

Yahoonski said...

Great job as always, Wanders! KitKat and Miss Scarlet: here's a fun fact about the gremlin from that Twilight Zone episode (and forgive me if I've already shared this). He was played by a fellow named Nick Cravat, who in addition to being Burt Lancaster's longtime acrobatics partner, played the Indian they called Bustedluck in Disney's "Davy Crockett at the Alamo." Because of his thick Brooklyn accent, Cravat didn't get too many speaking roles.

KitKat said...

Yahoonski, your anecdote reminds me of the story about Tony Curtis when he starred in some medieval epic. His line “Yonder lies the castle of my father” came out “Yonder lies da castle of my fodder.” This might be apocryphal but it’s still a giggle.

Wanders said...

KitKat: Here's an anecdote about Harrison Ford that builds on your Tony Curtis anecdote. Ford had been cast in a small part and the producer (or someone) chewed him out saying he'd never be a star, with words like, "Tony Curtis' first part was as a bus boy! But when he entered the scene, everybody knew he was a star!" Ford replied, "I thought he was supposed to be a bus boy," and walked out. Anyway, that's how I tell the story.

Archaeopteryx said...

Pouring one out for "Keeping it Professional", a true masterpiece of comedy

Unknown said...

I'm changing my vote from "Take this onion ring" to "my water dish is empty." At first I was captured by onion ring's beaming glory, but nothing tops the absurdist pathos of a bow-tied dachsund goulishly slurping the grief of an angry teenager.

Anonymous said...

Burt Lancaster's longtime acrobats partner. Did Burt make a lot of circus themed movies?

Selena said...

I always imagine that when Madi whispered the secret ingredient to Toby all she said was “skill”.

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!