Wednesday, January 12, 2022

The Fourteenth Annual Worthy Awards

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the fourteenth annual Worthy Awards! Tonight we honor all that is great about Santa Royale, California! Your votes have been tabulated. After careful review by the Charterstone Condo Board, the winners have been determined. 

Before we begin, I would like to thank the following contributors for sponsoring tonight's program with their very generous donations to Mary Worth and Me:

              • Jim S.
              • Mary Y.
              • Richard J.
              • Leslie S.
              • Ann C.
              • Helen M.
              • Buckley G.
              • Louise F.
              • Vincent R.
              • Cheryl J.
              • Elizabeth Y.
              • Deborah H.
              • Jana H.
              • Karen K.
              • Carlye N.
Your gifts and fun messages have meant a lot to me during a difficult couple of months. If you haven't had the chance to donate and would like to, you can use the link in the right-hand column. Or click here.

But let's get things started, with a very special opening number!

Before we begin handing out the loving cups, we want to take just a moment to hand out a very special award to a character that died in 2021. Each year, the condo board recognizes a character who will no longer be making any contribution whatsoever to the Worthiverse. This year, the Aldo Kelrast Memorial award is presented to Drew's Patient!

Thank you so much, Drew's Patient, for your contribution to medical science and comedy gold.

And now, let's get started!

Each year, June Brigman creates hundreds of scenes, immersing us all in the beautiful and "varied landscapes" of Santa Royale, California. This year we recognize these efforts by nominating the following for Outstanding Set Design:

Outstanding Set Design

The Santa Royale Boardwalk

Dolphins at Sunset

Typical Bachelors' Kitchen

The People's Clinic

And the Worthy Award for Outstanding Set Design goes to:

The People's Clinic

We would also like to recognize the Red Cross for not suing King Features and its subsidiaries for violation of their trade mark. 

Karen Moy continues to impress and amaze with her ability to turn a phrase. This year's nominees for Outstanding Dialog are:

Outstanding Dialog

Dogs are Great

Jags and Lags

Chick Magnets

A Variety of Muffins

And the Worthy Award goes to:

Check Magnets

2021 will long be remembered for amazing performances by guest characters... characters we most likely will never ever see again. The nominees for Outstanding Performance by a Guest Character are:

Outstanding Performance by a Guest Character

Ashlee Jones

Eve Lourd

Max the Dog


And the Worthy Award goes to:

Ashlee Jones

Ashlee Jones has not been seen since boarding a Greyhound Bus to Goleta, but Shauna! will gladly accept the award on her behalf.

And now, the much anticipated award for Outstanding Floating Head. The nominees are:

Outstanding Floating Head

Ashlee Jones

Ashlee Jones

Ashlee Jones

Ashlee Jones

The winner is:

Ashlee Jones

And what a surprise, here comes Shauna! to accept the award on Ashlee's behalf.

Perhaps the most difficult decision to make, is to award the Worthy Award for Outstanding Performance by a Regular Character. Each character brings so much to their performance that choosing just one is almost painful. The nominees for Outstanding Performance by a Regular Character are:

Outstanding Performance by a Regular Character

Dr. Drew Cory, M.D.


Libby the Cat

Mary Worth

And the winner is:

Libby the Cat

Only a cat could give such a nuanced performance. 

And now, perhaps our favorite category, and always the most controversial... Panel of the Year. The nominees are:

Outstanding Panel of the Year

We haven't seen each other for a year!

I... I.. Uhnn...

Torn Between Two Lovers

A Definite Add

Click Click Click

And the winner is:

Torn Between Two Lovers

Thank you June Brigman for your art. We joke and kid, but we love what you bring to this strip.

And now, without further ado, the nominees for Outstanding Story of the Year are:

Outstanding Story of the Year

Wilbur and Estelle Break Up Again

Drew Dates an Aspiring Model/Waitress

Dogs are Great!

And the winner is:

Drew Dates an Aspiring Model/Waitress

Thank you for your votes. It has been a difficult year for many of us. The world is a different place than it was when Mary Worth and Me first started. I wish you all a joyful 2022, although it hasn't started out all that joyful in the Worthiverse. In fact, I'm already depressed.


Gina said...

And a big hand for our beloved host, Wanders! May all your dogs be great, may all your muffins be edible, and may all your Wilburs be waterlogged. And may brighter days be ahead for us all.

Bill the Butcher said...

Trashlee's acceptance speech, as delivered by Shauna Of The BrainDead. Someone please write it.

Thunderheels said...

Wanders, thank you for excellent nominees and winners! The blog and community start my day with a smile.
May 2022 bring joy to the Worthyverse (Who am I kidding?).
Up next, Estelle is so grief stricken the captain lets her pilot the ship!

KitKat said...

Bravo, bravo, another outstanding Worthy Awards production! Wanders, you consistently amaze and entertain us - THANK YOU! I was delighted that you started the proceedings with this terrific ensemble from one of my favorite musicals. What a bonus that you selected something that even spotlights the current drama in the Worthiverse. You are a theatrical master! Thank you for brightening our days, especially in such difficult times.

I wonder if Shauna! will celebrate her resurgence by delivering a 16-ounce coffee to the People’s Clinic and showering Drew with affection.

Bill the Butcher said...

“Captain, we sang to karaoke bands,
Microphone in Weelbur’s pudgy hands:
Stood at the rail, would’ve kiss’d
While from his weight the ship took a list,
And the full moon i’ the air;
Told me not to be an idiot there.
Shark! Shark!
Off the bow.
His fins and teeth so stark.
Off the bow
Shark, shark! Swimming near
In hopes of a meal sodden with beer
Gone, my hopes of a diddle, though.”

“Full fathom five thy Weelbur lies;
Of his mayo are oil slicks made;
There are lobsters that chew’d his thighs:
To his belly a hagfish put paid,
Came aboard for a change
While his combover got the mange.
Mary dragg’d him down to hell:
Sing song.
Shark! now I hear it—sing-song, hell.”

Anonymous said...

Today I learned: Kelrast is an anagram for Stalker.

Anonymous said...

Huzzahs, Wanders, for another superb show and another superb year of mockeration and snarkicity!

-- Scottie McW.

Sandi Ego said...

Thank you, Wanders! I wish I could've joined in donations this year. We lost everything due to the pandemic. Next year I hope to contribute!
I really appreciate this blog and everyone's snark and great observations to keep me laughing. Wear those N95 masks and avoid people like the plague. Because they are the plague.

Mike said...

I think the ship's camera will show Wilbur falling off. The ship will turn around and find him floating around. This strip needs Wilbur.

Steve said...

The Guys and Dolls video, the awards and the comments have me smiling. Thank you everyone.

LouiseF said...

Merci, M. Wanders, for another well-planned awards ceremony in the Worthiverse! The Golden Globes could learn a few things from you. I'm glad 2022 is off to a wonderfully dramatic start. Look forward to the crew hoisting a flag with the letter "O" for "Oscar", which apparently signals a "man (sic) overboard". Here's more on what to expect when someone takes a dip off the ship during a cruise.

MissScarlet said...

Thank you, Wanders, for another hilarious and entertaining trip down memory lane Worthy Awards presentation. It is a highlight of my year.

I read this morning that this week is the 10th anniversary of the Costa Concordia cruise ship disaster. Could it be that Moy has a sense of humor after all?

@Mike. No, no it does not.

Bill the Butcher said...

“Willa,” Mary said. “Stellan. Listen carefully.”

Willa and Stellan swam around their aquarium and eyed each other doubtfully.

“You need to go out on a Very Important Mission.” Mary illustrated how important the mission was by waving around a muffin. “It’s a matter of life and death!”

Willa and Stellan continued to exchange doubtful glances.

“It’s about your daddy, Weelbur.” Mary tried to summon a tear, and failed. “He’s fallen off the cruise ship he and, prospective mum, Eshtelle, were on. The crew on the ship have been looking for him, but they haven’t found him. And he’s been missing for, let’s see...” Mary looked at the calendar. “Five days. It’s terrible. So it’s down to you two.”

Willa and Stellan said nothing.

“Oh, come on!” Mary exclaimed. “It’s just water, and there’s plenty of moonlight to see by. It’s been full moon for literally years and years. The Werewolf’s Union is complaining of overwork. Are you going or aren’t you?”

There was a long pause. It threatened to become an interminable pause.

“Oh, all right,” Mary said. “If you’re afraid of a little salt water, I’ll put you in fresh water wetsuits. How’s that?” Without giving them time to complain, she fished them out of the aquarium, slipped them into a couple of tiny contrivances that enclosed them completely except for their fins and eyes, while their mouths and grills were guarded by a salt eliminator. “Do you know how much I had to pay Zak’s friend Kaz to make these?” Plopping the two fish into a bucket, she picked up a phone and summoned Dr Drew (or Dr Jeff, I don’t recall which is which and can’t be bothered to check.)
Dr Drewjeff pulled back on the throttle of his huge launch. “Here we are,” he said. “The open ocean. Are you sure you want to do this?”

Mary looked at Stellan and Willa in their diving suits. “Hell, yes. When did I last have the chance to meddle a pair of fish?” Without further ado, she emptied the bucket over the side.
Willa and Stellan swam down through the water. The fading moonlight above did not disturb the rhythm of their swimming, nor yet their speech, which was of a nature divorced from sound and vision.

“Our daddy,” Stellan said. “She called that fat slob our daddy!”

Stellan laughed shortly. “So, do you want to swim back to land right away, and look for fresh water?”

“Let’s just go a little further,” Willa replied. They swam on down for a while.

“Something big is coming up,” Stellan said suddenly.

Willa signified assent. “I can feel the pressure wave. Something enormous.”

Before they could decide whether to escape, a voice came from far below, in a moaning trail of bubbles. “Eshtelle,” it said. “Will you marry me now?”

Willa and stellan turned round and swam away as fast as they could.

“Eshtelle?” the voice moaned through the water. “Are you there? I want to marry you and sing karaoke.”

Bill the Butcher said...

Wary Morth:

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league sternward,
Back over the deep sea bed
Where (hopefully) lies Weelbur dead.
“Code Oscar! Code Oscar I bade!
There's a slob overboard!” he said.
Through waves like a heaving bed
Below which sinks Weelbur's head.

A failure, this cruise so staid
Would the passengers be dismayed?
(That's if they ever knew
   Weelbur had floundered.)
   There's a full moon in the sky,
   Yellow in purple, like a jaundiced eye
   Perhaps a drunk jumped off to die
   Taking along his alcohol breath
   (Along with a bit of meth.)

Weelbur to right of them?
Weelbur to left of them?
Weelbur in front of them?
They think he should be murder'd.
Put the crew through stress and hell,
Drunken into the sea he fell,
Didn't do the job so well
Might still be alive, hell!
So the crew hunted.

Flashed all their searchlights there,
Stabbing through the moonlit air
Looking with a little care,
Seeking a barmy, while
All the passengers wondered.
Those who were sleeping woke
Raised their heads from lines of coke;
Karaoke and fashion
Alike from their routine broke
As onward the ship blundered.
Then they changed track, but not
Not the one they wanted.

Weelbur to right of them?
Weelbur to left of them?
Weelbur behind them?
Their peace of mind he'd plundered.
Put the crew through stress and hell,
Should have fallen into a well,
"Someone make up a wreath
And someone else toll a bell
Before our profits grow stunted."

If only he'd used a razor blade
Or jumped off Aldo's Cliff, they said
As the ship's engines thunder'd
Forget the alarm Eshtelle raised
To hell with Weelbur's shade
Sodden blighter's dead!

KitKat said...

Hey Your Captaincy, in addition to raising the Oscar flag, how about sending a radio message to any ships in the vicinity? The Oscar flag may not be visible in this purple haze.