Wednesday, August 3, 2022

Mary Worth 3984

"Take for example Estelle. She wants to break up with me just because I didn't die when I fell off a ship. And because I'm a drunk. And obese. And a complete charicature of a man."


RogerBW said...

"I mean, Estelle only saw me with my head in the mayonnaise bucket, but she seemed really revolted!"

meg said...

The time: late summer, 2022

Although Mary, Wilbur, Dawn, and Jared are skulking about their condos and railroad flats, some of Mary’s
alleged ‘friends’ are on vacation, and postcards are wending their way toward the stay-at-homers.

Dear June-
Hope you are enjoying Martha’s Vineyard- it was nice of Alan Dershowitz to invite you. Is he as charming and attractive in person as he is on TV? I’m having a grand time in Tahiti. Whadda ya think of all those suckers looking at your repeat panels and my repeated dialog?

Dear Dawn:
Hugo here in beautiful Paree. My person and I are leaving for St. Tropez tomorrow. Hope you and your person have some equally pleasant holiday plans, but holidays in France are much better, of course.
Avec amour.

Dear Estelle-
We are here at Dogs are Great Camp in Woofa Woofa, WA. We were originally scheduled to attend the camp in Arf Arf, AR, but it was too hot. Greta and! Yeah that’s his name, anyway Eve’s dog, are very popular with the other campers and their owners, although just between you and me, the other dogs and their owners don’t seem too bright and they’re all homely, too, unlike some people you know. (Smile, wink). Maybe you can bring Pierre up here to join us. Sorry, but Winky, er….er…Libby, won’t be welcome. Maybe Mary can keep her? Yes, I know Jeff is supposed to be allergic, but, he only sees Mary once a year, and that’s not for a _____ call! Haha.

Dear Mary-
Ian and I are having a wonderful time in Montecito! We’ve been touring around all the interesting places- Oprah’s house, Rob Lowe’s house, Harry and Meghan’s house, Julia Child’s former taco cart, Ellen DeGeneres’ house, and I can tell you Mary, Ellen is not NEARLY as nice in person. When Ian knocked on her door and asked for a glass of 35 year old Old Coot, and to use the “bog”, why, she all but slammed the door on his dirk (he was just using it to clean his nails)! Montecito is very convenient- we don’t even need a hotel, we just drive home at the end of each day.


Dear Tommy and Brandy:
I am in Las Vegas with Zak. He’s attending a gamer convention, and all day he is networking or playing games. I have a routine here. Every day I get a mani pedi and a blowout. By then it’s time to play the slots.
After that I go back to the suite and change into cocktail clothes, and then I drink cocktails of course. Sometimes Zak joins me- he usually drinks a Red Bull with vodka. Afterwards he goes back to networking, and I keep working on the cocktails.
Could you two come to visit? We have a two bedroom suite, and Brandy can share with me, and you can sleep on the couch, Tommy. I’m sure you can find someone to game with, while Brandy and I drink cocktails.



meg said...

Dear Wendy:
I don’t know what to do. I’m taking a break in my relationship with “Walter”. He’s not bad, at least he’s rich and fairly generous. But he’s not very attractive physically, and his idea of fun is singing karaoke. Sometimes he sings Barry Manilow songs, and sometimes Elton John. Now he wants me to go on a vacation cruise, but I want to visit my prison pen pal Artheur instead. What should I do?


Dear “Evelyn”:
Ditch both of them and find yourself a nice retired doctor.


Dear “Wendy”:
I don’t know who is writing this column, but he/she gives terrible advice.


Dear Drew:
I want to go on vacation. Where’s that $5000 you promised to send me?
Thanks in advance; I’ll send you a postcard.

Dear Mary Worth, my “so-called friend,”

It must be nice to go on vacation like you do- with your fancy spas, and your ritzy cruises, and your monied friends in New York City!
But I never get to go anywhere except down to the mailboxes in Somerset to see if Sean has gotten the latest issue of AARP magazine, or Nose and Ear Hair Clippers Monthly.
You shouldn’t drive, you told me, move into Somerset you said, marry charming Sean Hastings, you insisted.
Well, I did, and now Mr. Charm sits around in his underwear all day, with his teeth in a glass, complaining about his lumbago. And all night long, if it’s not his snoring, it’s his catarrh keeping me awake.
And my daughter Amy never comes around any more because she says it ‘smells funny’ here. She’s right! It smells like mothballs and Vicks Vaporub and prune juice. And my darling grandson Gordy calls himself
G-Money now and rides a motorcycle.
And it’s all your fault, Mary. You could never give me a ride or even explain Uber to me, and now I’m stuck for life with Smells Funny Sean!
I’ll get you for this, Mary Worth!

Hanna Dingdon Hastings

Sent from the all new AOL app for iOS

KitKat said...

@meg, you have induced hysterics in me. I haven’t laughed out loud so early in the morning since…since…well, I’ve never laughed out loud so early in the morning EVER! You can keep writing the strip!

“People fall out of love over the smallest things, like threatening to kill their cat (hey, it was a joke! Sort of…) or getting drunk as a skunk and embarrassing them at that new Thai place, or hiding in the bushes and spying on them, or, I don’t know, all kinds of petty little things.”

meg said...

Simmer down, KitKat!

Downpuppy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chester the Dog said...

Those poor "Ask Wendy" readers, they must get terrible advice.

LouiseF said...

Inspired, meg! My milk-snorting guffaw came from imagining the cover of "Nose and Ear Hair Clippers Monthly". Thank you! It appears both Dawn and Wilbur need to read an article on how to use silverware properly so they don't starve to death.

Jerry Smith said...

Meg, well done! Can you forward me Ashlee's address? I have some nature photos I'd like to take with her ...

Ian Cameron, PhD said...

Meg, excellent job on the postcards. I’ve been enjoying leafing through them on the drive back from Montecito.

Sometimes, people fall out of cruise ships over the smallest things.

Anonymous said...

Well done, meg! I suspect you've put more thought and time and effort and imagination into those two comments today than KM has put into the last ten years of her Mary Worth stories.


Anonymous said...

Wanders, you forgot Wilbur’s horrible, horrible comb-over. And Ms. Brigman certainly captures it from every awful angle — like a giant spider trying to crush an egg.

Garnet said...

It's weird how people dump you over things like letting then think you are dead for a week, having a tantrum over a cat meowing, or acting like a drunken, lecherous fool in public.

In the first panel, is that a picture of Wilbur in his underwear? (Or a Speedo?) Why would you have that in your house?

Wilbur seems kind of pleased over Dawn's utter cluelessness.