Mary Worth 231

It seems that after Jeff eventually discovered the way out of Mary's labyrinthine apartment (at least, we assume he found his way out. We never got to see him actually exit; for all we know he is still meandering through doors that go nowhere and climbing stairs that end at the ceiling, like the Winchester Mystery House, which was a big deal when I was a kid growing up in what would eventually be called Silicon Valley: "Keep building! Keep building!" Ah, intermission at the Moffett Field Drive In. But I digress) somehow Jeff gave Mary the impression that he'd come crawling back. Mary, guess what. You can't break up with Jeff; he just broke up with you. The best you can hope for is to control the life of a powerful politician recently appointed to Town Council.

To our anonymous winner of Not-A-Real-Contest 3, your musical selection has been approved by the Condo Board and added to the Charterstone jukebox on the right. Thanks for bringing a little humor to this house of heartbreak.

Not-A-Real-Contest 3 Winner!

Thanks to everyone who participated in yesterday's Not-A-Real-Contest contest. I enjoyed reading what everyone in Santa Royale is thinking when they look at the picture of Ron and Mary in the newspaper. Lots of great entries. The Condo Board was able to narrow it down to two entries and then I determined the final results.

First Runner Up: Carol, for her poignant "Oh, look, there's a sale at Walgreen's."

And our grand prize winner is the Anonymous writer who captured verbatim the succinct single thought of the entire city of Santa Royale: "Oh look, Mary Worth is obviously cheating on her boyfriend, Dr. Jeff Corey. I feel so sorry for that foolish cuckold, Dr. Jeff Corey. Dr. Jeff Corey must be a real fool. That poor stupid Dr. Jeff Corey. Poor Dr. Jeff Corey. She made a fool of Dr. Jeff Corey, alright. What a dope that Dr. Jeff Corey is! I bet Dr. Jeff Corey feels stupid. I should call all my friends and tell them how Mary Worth made Dr. Jeff Corey look foolish. Poor foolish Dr. Jeff Corey! My, my, my. Dr. Jeff Corey. Dr. Jeff Corey. Dr. Jeff Corey."

Congratulations Carol and Anonymous. You each win the opportunity to suggest a song for the Charterstone Jukebox (in the right column of this blog). Since all songs must be approved by the Condo Board, I encourage you to listen to the jukebox to get a sense of what they like. You can email your suggestions to MaryWorthandMe@gmail.com.

Mary Worth 230

It's time once again for another Not-A-Real-Contest Contest! You, the reader, get to decide what everyone thinks when they look at the picture of Mary Worth and Ron Amalfi holding glasses in the Santa Royale News.

Submit your answers in today's comments section. Remember, the winner isn't always the snarkiest, nor is it the most violent. Sometimes it is just the most pure in heart. The winner will have the opportunity to suggest a new song for the Charterstone Jukebox. (Not-A-Real-Contest contests are not real contests. All songs on the Charterstone Jukebox must be approved by the Condo Board. No prize is guaranteed.)

So submit your best (family-friendly) guess today! What do people think when they look at that photo? Come on, you know you want to.

EDITED TO ADD: A winner has been selected which you can read about here. However, feel free to add comments if you'd like, and be sure to read all the entries.

Mary Worth 229

He's having trouble getting past that one sentence. Isn't that exactly what Jeff said yesterday? He's also having trouble getting past Mary who has completely power blocked his attempt to leave her apartment. The question is, will we ever get past this silly little plot development. Does anybody really doubt Jeff and Mary will work it out and reunite? I mean, her love for Jeff actually killed a man less than two years ago. But if they do break up, does anybody really care?

Mary Worth 228

Well, I just spent two exhausting days with some incredible teen-agers who worked their tails off doing volunteer service. Did you like the Old Time Mary Worth blogs I scheduled while I was away? It kind of made me appreciate Joe Giella and Karen Moy even more, who are producing another story of misunderstanding and jealousy (some things never change) only without the cleavage (some things do). I didn't think I would want to recap what I missed, but I have to comment on one thing that was hysterical: Mary Worth's mood channeling Mexican talavera sun.

First, the talavera sun is all, "Talk to the hand, Mary," and then it's grabbing onto Jeff's ear and encouraging his romantic rage, whispering, "You go, Jeff. You aren't wrong; Mary was totally school-girl giddy when Ron called and took her out after she scorned you." I always thought those talavera suns had mystical powers, but this one is fun and wacky.

Now on to Sunday's recap...

"Yes, Jeff, the whole story! Sit down and I'll tell it to you!" Awesome. It really is going to be a Sunday recap! I love it when the plot doesn't advance for weeks.

"Retraction: The News recently referred to Ron Amalfi's election to Town Council. No election occurred. Councilman Amalfi was appointed to the city's Town Council by someone. The News humbly apologizes and thanks the elderly Zombie Woman who visited our offices and clearly pointed out our shameful mistake before eating our features editor."

No need to apologize, Jeff; the whole world is laughing at you. And we mustn't have that, mustn't we. It's wonderful that you've been able to jettison any feelings you ever had for Mary Worth with the realization that it's what people think about you that really matters. And people think you're an idiot and a fool for having hung out with this neglectful, self-righteous meddler for so long. Still, we're rooting for you Jeff. Now get back to your fund-raising; you're going to have plenty of time for it.

Mary Worth Love Stories #3, Part 2

So, are you dying to find out how Mary Worth plotted to save the relationship of two strangers no matter whose life she destroys in the process?

Dalton Westlake needs a new agent.

Duchess Chichi immediately dumps school principal Hal Winston and hooks up with the actor, believing he's a wealthy older gentleman. To Mary Worth, Chichi is a trashy gold digger and deserves to get stuck with an out-of-work actor. And Dalton Westlake is a lazy man of the stage who deserves a phony duchess. Same old Mary Worth. She's been rather consistent over the last 60 years, I'd say. However, a few days later Mary's heart starts to soften, and she almost warns Westlake that the duchess ain't all she appears to be.

Well, he asked for it! Heaven forbid Mary should ever try to help someone avoid trouble.

So, Hal and Sue Carrol reconcile (Hal writes a silly love note and has a student hand it in with a writing exam).

If an image is too small, you can click it for the larger scan.

But what of our evil duchess and charlatan actor?

I have to admit, I actually found the story more entertaining than the modern version. It was just as improbable, but there seemed to be a little more wise-cracking. And how about our Mary Worth screwing up the lives of those two no-goods? Just wait until they con her out of her late-husband's pension fund!

Mary Worth Love Stories #3, Part 1

What? You didn't think I'd leave you, dear reader, high and dry, did you?

I may be out of circuit for a few days, but I have scheduled a couple of posts in my absence and hope you'll enjoy them.

On eBay, I found a copy of Mary Worth Love Stories #3, a 1950 comic book that I assume is a collection of Mary Worth strips from the forties, put together as a complete story. The title scared me to death - who wants to see Mary Worth getting her jiggy on 1940's style. Fortunately, the romance revolved around two much younger and prettier characters. It included lots of kissing and even some cleavage! Mary only appeared on about four pages of the entire comic book.

Let me give you a taste!


Mary Worth is staying at the home of the wealthy Darcy family in a small town called Willowbrook. The husband has business dealings with a French widow named Countess Chichi de Chambery-Fraise (ooh la-la). The local school principal Hal Winston, who is secretly engaged to teacher Sue Carrol, is hired to translate French during Chichi's business meeting. Chichi makes the moves on Hal, and it turns out that she's not even really French. She's from Kansas and just married a French count (now dead) for his money (now gone). So when she finds out that Hal has $3,000 saved for his wedding, she plots to marry Hal so she can pay her hotel bill. Local gossip breaks Sue's heart. Naturally, the queen of meddling takes an interest. Read about it below, if you're interested (click for the larger scan):

Mary, who isn't nearly as talkative in 1950 as she is now, hatches a plan:

What is her plan? You'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out! But, dear reader, I have to say, it is the most diabolical and evil scheme I have ever seen Mary Worth carry off. She's able to destroy two lives, including one innocent by-stander. Woot woot!

Mary Worth 227

If Ron is just friends with Mary Worth, then why is he lying on her living room floor, sticking his hand in the air, getting ready to subtly choke Dr. Jeff Corey?

Dear Readers: I will be busy for the next couple of days doing volunteer service activities because I, like Mary, am such a wonderful do-gooder. This will prevent me from even reading Mary Worth on Friday and Saturday. As always, you can follow Mary Worth at the Washington Post while I'm gone. I'm looking forward to catching up on Sunday. Hopefully, by then, Jeff will have completely dumped his two-timing trollop.

Mary Worth 226

And here I've been worrying that Mary Worth was not appearing in enough papers.

Yesterday, I had a telephone conversation with Steve Massey, Features Editor at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. You'll recall that they took a survey last March to determine which comic strip they should consider cutting when Doonsbury returned. He told me that they'd heard from hundreds of Mary Worth fans asking them not to cut the strip. He said that Mary Worth always comes in last in these surveys, but the fans who actually do read it (and who happen to be, he said, in their subscribers' elderly demographic) are such a vocal minority, that his paper can't cut her... as much as he'd like to. The Post-Gazette is keeping Mary Worth, he said, "beyond my fondest dreams." So it pays to let the papers know how much you enjoy Mary Worth. (Massey also told me that they were cutting the Amazing Spider-Man, which would disappoint the children. I can't blame him, though. Now that's a boring strip.)

Mary Worth 225

No wonder Dr. Jeff Corey prefers living as a bachelor in his suburban man cabin: mix and match canisters; a giant island shoved against the counter; manly smoking jacket; and the simple pleasure of reading the obituaries over a bowl of cold cereal and a jug of moonshine.

EDITED TO ADD: Kudos to the San Diego Union-Tribune for sparing Mary Worth! They're getting ready to dump one of three comics, and Mary Worth isn't one of them. You can send them an email at comics@uniontrib.com to congratulate them on their advanced sense of humor! Be sure to mention Mary Worth and Me.