Mary Worth 252

Right now, every man who reads Mary Worth (and, yes, there are millions of us), is thinking, "That's how you end a relationship! No tears, no vindictiveness, no Ex-lax brownies on the doorstep." But, guys, you forget how Mary broke up with Jeff Corey; you forget that Mary Worth is the most psychotic of all comic strip characters - more so than Jon Arbuckle or Ziggy, or even that dog in Peanuts. You forget that she's showing up at the next town council meeting dressed in that pink hot pants outfit, waving a carving knife. So before you start thinking you wished every woman you dated was like Mary Worth, take a good hard look at the teary-eyed Bum Boat Bum, Jeff Corey, alone at a table for one, muttering to himself with a shiny string of spittle running down to the edge of his cocktail glass.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 251

As soon as her magic mirror is off the phone, Mary Worth is going to get a good look at who has been handing Ron blank pieces of paper.

Yes, Mary, let's just leave it at that. Tomorrow you can call Jeff Corey and tell him you're sorry for neglecting him; he'll apologize for being such a proud male; and the two of you can go have a delightful seafood dinner at the Bum Boat. It will be the perfect Mary Worth ending to a perfect Mary Worth story.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 250

I love this plot! It never gets old.

• Mary Worth puts on a miniskirt and awaits Ron Amalfi's arrival.
• Jeff Corey calls, but Mary screens his call, mocking his pathetic voice mail message.
• Ron Amalfi breaks their date but promises to call again tomorrow with details about their next romantic dinner together.
• Mary eats a can of tuna, alone. Repeat forever.
  

This could go on for months. It already has. It is totally awesome.

It reminds me of the Usual Suspects or Pulp Fiction or the Sixth Sense - It's so obvious you just don't see it coming! Now we can add Mary Worth to the list of greatest stories ever told.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 249

Meanwhile, back at the Suburban Man Cabin, Dr. Jeff Corey indulges in some mental self-flagellation. One comment, though, Jeff: You may have been petty, you may have been unreasonable and proud. You may even have been stupid and male. But you were certainly not wrong. In fact, you were very, very right. Your girl friend was doing everything she could to spend as much time as possible with Ron Amalfi. She was deeply seduced by the power of his appointment to the town council. And although she claimed that their romantic dinner at La Rosa was all about friendship, the ache in her chest was not arthritis, nor pulmonary disease, but unrequited puppy love (although in dog years, she's like 408). No, Jeff, you may be a loser in every way humanly possible, but you were definitely not wrong.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 248

If only Aldo Kelrast could say the same thing, Jeff. But no; Mary's "intervention" literally drove Aldo to his death. Oh, such poignant irony.

Does anybody else thank goodness that your doctor hasn't appeared in Mary Worth? It's the most incompetent collection of medical professionals ever. But even the doctor who graduated at the bottom of his (yes, his) class is still a doctor. And then he is hired at Mountview Hospital. "Your girlfriend gave you medicine? Thank goodness!"

Mary Worth 247

I realize some of you are new to Mary Worth, and you keep hearing Jeff allude to someone having saved his life. I'll try to fill you in. A couple of years ago (in real time), Jeff went off to Vietnam and ended up getting some sort of virus. Mary, having dreamt that Jeff fell off his boat, goes to Southeast Asia to find him, and discovers him in a Hanoi hospital. An English speaking doctor with a really Asian sounding name, Doctor Tran, was perplexed by Jeff's lack of response to the antibiotics he was receiving. Mary then connected Doctor Tran with the fabled Doctor Ling (Ling?) in Santa Royale, California. Dr. Ling recommended a risky, experimental new protocol that he had developed at the esteemed medical facility, Mountview Hospital. This new protocol consisted of something very doctor-ish sounding: "A wider course of antibiotics." And that's how Mary Worth saved Dr. Jeff Corey. Or Dr. Tran did, or Dr. Ling... somebody saved Jeff anyway, but Mary gets all the credit.

Now, if it worked once, why not give it a shot, Dr. Corey. A "shot" of antibiotics that is! Har har.

Oh, by the way, Dr. Jeff's memory of his encounter with Mary in the hospital is a little different than what it was really like:

Scary, huh?

Mary Worth 246

That chart in Dr. Phocomelia's shriveled hand is pretty depressing, just like Jeff's relationship with Mary Worth. The line graph is about to drop down onto those little square thingies, which is never a good sign. What is Jeff going to suggest for Mr. Abner? I'm guessing a day of sailing and dinner for two at the Bum Boat.

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Can you find the six differences in these two panels?

Answers:

1) Mary's drapes are open; Ron's blinds are closed when he surfs the Internet.
2) Mary prefers vertical art; Ron's art is horizontal.
3) Mary likes a good wicker-back chair; Ron enjoys fake leather.
4) Mary dresses up for a phone call; Ron likes hanging out in a good cotton T.
5) Mary uses pen and paper to correspond; Ron uses a waffle iron.
6) Ron doesn't need dentures; Mary doesn't have teeth.

Now go enjoy the six differences game!

Mary Worth 244

So after Mary Worth innocently suggests Ron and she go to the Bum Boat for dinner, Ron gags and tells her he doesn't like seafood? It's like a splash of cold water! Maybe she doesn't have as much in common with Ron Amalfi as she first thought when Ron beat up his brother in the hospital parking lot. The man who holds her heart must sincerely appreciate a pan-seared tilapia served with a subtle mango sauce next to a nice rice pilaf and steamed baby carrots. Even if he is the Bum Boat Bum (thank you, Shandyowl! Brilliant!)

I think I've found another clue in my Mary Worth Conspiracy Theory. The Bum Boat seems to have tremendous power over its customers. Just like the island on "Lost." Even after they escape, it calls to them, driving them to make irrational decisions. Anything to protect it from outside influences that might cause it harm, or restrict its liquor license.

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"Mary Doesn't Answer Jeff's Calls
and Other Fun Facts About Mary Worth."

Mary sits on a bed.
Mary uses Liquid Pledge.
Mary has a hard mattress.
Mary's pillows don't fluff.
Mary carries a grudge.
Satan fears Mary.