Mary Worth 20

This is my 20th Mary Worth entry. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but I just wanted to point it out.

And what a Mary Worth we saw today. It included this startling scene at the doorstep of Dr. Drew's father's log cabin in the suburbs. Dr. Drew reveals to Mary:

Why is Mary concerned? Well, any Mary Worth reader will remember this scene from just 25 days ago when Dawn Weston revealed to Mary Worth that she was in love:

It's been a mere 25 days, so of course the irony is glaringly obvious to Mary, who fortunately doesn't suffer from Alzheimer's Disease. It's this kind of snappy writing that really keeps us Mary Worth fans hooked and coming back for more.

It's taken the entire summer to set up this conflict, but I think we're finally going to get down to some good old fashioned Mary Worth meddling. Meddle, Mary Worth. Meddle!

Mary Worth 19

I now understand why mind readers find their gift to be such a burden. Besides being sort of creepy, it is just so sad to know what shallow, delusional ideas flow through the thought balloons of my fellow men on this bland journey vaguely reminiscent of real life.

Mary Worth 18

I have to admit, when I first saw this, I thought for certain that the woman on the left was Vera (sans pony tail) and that #71 was Drew and Vera's adorable child. Super busy indeed.

Mary Worth 17

Hmmm. Interesting question, Vera. If snogging your neighbor's boyfriend on a first date is love, then, yes, in an eighth grade sort of way, I suppose you have.

Do NOT Fall Asleep

Mrs. Wanders and I went out to see The Invasion last night. Despite some remarkable editing, cool car crashes and decent acting, it was so fake! So fake! So, so, SO fake. I'm all for a good sci-fi flick, and I have a pretty decent imagination, but you know there's a problem with a movie when you keep checking your watch, which I did five or twelve times.

- - - Spoiler Alert (if you care (which you shouldn't)) - - -

The ending was outrageously pandering. I don't really recollect the other Invasion of the Body Snatchers movies that well (for some reason, though, I can remember the Donald Sutherland Mad Magazine version very clearly). As I recall, the endings were depressing - the hero can't do anything to stop the pod people. In this version, however, everything ends up just hunky-dory. Everyone (except those who were killed presumably) goes back to normal like nothing ever happened. Listen, if 700 degrees Fahrenheit can't kill the virus, then how did they create an anti-virus from a strain of acute Chicken Pox?

- - - End of Spoilers - - -

And it was ironic that Nicole Kidman's major dramatic question was, "Will she be able to stay awake?" That was pretty much my major dramatic question as well.

But WAIT! I should mention that I did dream about the movie all night. I dreamt that Mrs. Wanders and I were trying to fool all the pod people so they wouldn't kill us. So we disguised ourselves as gorillas. The dream went on and on as we mingled with and fled from the pod people in our costumes. Although we weren't as sexy as Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig (at least not in our gorilla suits), it was a very clever dream and far funnier than any previous version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

One Hobbit out of five. So I've saved you $10. You can thank me later.

R.I.P. Elvis

Thirty years ago today, Elvis Presley died at the age of 42. Mrs. Wanders (my All-New Really Hilarious Nickname for my Wife) and I commemorated his passing by watching “Elvis Lives” on PBS, a rock concert performed in Memphis by Elvis’s old band mates. During the concert, they projected footage on the big screen of Elvis performing in Hawaii and Las Vegas. But they had taken out all the music and back up vocals in the film so that all that was left were Elvis’s vocals. Then his former band members and back up singers accompanied the film live. It sounds kind of cheesy, but it was a really cool gimmick and it would have been amazing to have been there.

Hundreds of people began to gather in Memphis yesterday, where it was 105 degrees, to mourn Elvis Presley with a candlelight vigil last night. One person died in their trailer because of the heat. One guy who recently lost a lung showed up with his oxygen tank. I can only admire this level of devotion. We went to Graceland last year at my wife’s suggestion, and I was completely converted to the Church of Elvis, but more at the Buy-a-lot-of-Elvis-Hits Novice level, not the One-Lung Fanatic level. And Memphis in general was a great city to visit – very cool. Well, maybe not when it’s 105.

Mary Worth 16

Do you know what I think is missing Vera? Dawn Weston. What are the odds that she'll have dinner tonight here at Three Trees? Wouldn't that be a coincidence!? I'm even going out further on my limb: She'll arrive with her father, Wilber, who turns out to be good friends with Head Waiter McSnooty-Pants, and tips him a Franklin to dump Today's Special (Lumpy Nondescript Brown Stuff) upon the head of Doctor Drew "The Playah" Corey.

Oh, wait, that won't work because we'd miss the scene where Dawn has to explain all this about the age difference to her dad. I'd hate to miss eight days of that!

I prefer my prediction so much more.

Mary Worth 15

I know I won't say anything you aren't already thinking but, a pink car?? This car has a teeny tiny steering wheel, massive headrests, it drives itself - and it is pink! It's the coolest car since the Mach 5. You know, the Mach 5? Speed Racer's car? You are familiar with Speed Racer aren't you? If not, you will be. They're making a movie. I smell another blog item coming up.

Uh, no, Drew, I expected it. In fact, I staked my reputation on it in yesterday's Free Mary Worth and Me Secret Message (hold your cursor over the picture to reveal your Free Mary Worth and Me Secret Message).

Mary Worth 14

I was worried when Dr. Drew Corey took a call without using a hands-free device; however, it turns out a hands-free phone isn't necessary when driving a hands-free car! But just to be safe, you better fasten that seat belt.

Harry Potter and the Suspension of Disbelief

Yes, I finally finished Harry Potter Installment the Seventh. I know, I’m the slowest reader in the world, but remember, I just got reading glasses, and that helped me speed things up.

I won’t give anything away; however, if you haven’t read it yet, you probably don’t care if I give anything away or not. You probably don’t really care to read my review of the book, either, so I’ll keep this brief. I like the Harry Potter books, but as I’ve mentioned earlier, I’m simply a muggle when it comes to getting into these things. Every time, I really have to force myself through the first half of the book, and then, every time, I’m simply gaga-pants over the ending. What I enjoy about the books are the puzzles that Harry and his friends have to solve, and I always like it if there’s a good violent climax at the end.

Harry Potter books, however, ask me to suspend too much disbelief. It all boils down to page 20 of Installment the First: “He wore round glasses held together with a lot of Scotch tape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose.” Okay, I can understand the glasses before he finds out he’s a wizard, but he wears the dang things for thousands of pages! Dumbledore wears them too. They can restore the bones to Harry’s arm, but, what, they can’t make a simple adjustment to his eyes?

My wife says it’s no big deal, but it is. It’s symptomatic of the entire book. The author has created a world that just has so many inconsistencies that it takes me half the book, always, before I can start to buy into it.

But once I do buy into it? Oh, what a return on investment. Thank you J.K. Rowling for showing me Hogwarts, regardless of how long it took me to open my eyes to see it. Maybe I just didn’t have the right pair of glasses.

Now about that cheesy epilogue…

No Real Than You Are

A giant Lego man washed ashore in the Netherlands yesterday. This picture ran in today’s New York Times with a short Reuter’s article. Apparently, the Lego man is eight feet tall and was coming from the direction of England.

But the article makes no mention of the mysterious message emblazoned across the Lego man’s chest: “No Real Than You Are.” And yet, this is the most baffling part of the story. What does it mean? He doesn’t sound English to me.

Is the Lego man an emissary from some distant dimension bringing us a message of peace, or is he merely some intergalactic traveler warning us of imminent destruction?

Regardless, be sure to order your own “No Real Than You Are” T-shirt today! (I receive no income from T-Shirt sales. This is simply a public service.)

No Real Than You Are

A giant Lego man washed ashore in the Netherlands yesterday. This picture ran in today’s New York Times with a short Reuter’s article. Apparently, the Lego man is eight feet tall and was coming from the direction of England.

But the article makes no mention of the mysterious message emblazoned across the Lego man’s chest: “No Real Than You Are.” And yet, this is the most baffling part of the story. What does it mean? He doesn’t sound English to me.

Is the Lego man an emissary from some distant dimension bringing us a message of peace, or is he merely some intergalactic traveler warning us of imminent destruction?

Regardless, be sure to order your own “No Real Than You Are” T-shirt today! (I receive no income from T-Shirt sales. This is simply a public service.)

Mary Worth 13

I appreciate the concern expressed by Drew's colleague. It's important to make sure a Player like Dr. Drew Cory is actually dating an adult. However, something really disturbing has happened at the hospital, and it relates to my time-warp worm hole theory. In the course of just a few moments, in an attempt not to appear too young himself, Dr. Drew's colleague has aged 40 years, as you can see in this clip from yesterday's Sunday edition:
This entire time warp conspiracy is freaking me out.

Mary Worth 12

A lot of people have been asking me if I followed Mary Worth while I was on my long vacation. The answer is an enthusiastic, "Yes! Duh." If you need an update on what's going on, here's where we're at. If you already are up to speed, jump down to the next paragraph: Basically there's been a lot of horse back riding going on, and I haven't been particularly comfortable with that. Dawn's been lying to her father about riding smallish horses with Drew and claiming to be studying for exams worried that Dad will not approve of the 12-year age difference. However, now she has confided in reliable Mary Worth who has encouraged her to let her father know about her feelings for Dr. Drew Cory. So that's where we're at.

I'm not sure what to say about today's brilliant installment except that in panel two, Dawn's hands say, "I'm the Virgin Mary," but in panel one, her T-shirt says, "Two kittens boiling in a cauldron: I'm wicken."