Mary Worth 357

Oh, now I understand. This isn't about coaching Lynn to win the championship ice skating game. It's about Frank turning Mary Worth into a fan.

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Mary Worth 356

Wow. Frank's coaching is so insanely intense that Lynn's entire cell structure has undergone rapid mitosis. That, or this has something to do with the Dharma Initiative. Either way, somebody put the reins on this guy. He's nuts! Mary Worth, that's your cue.

Mary Worth 355

Speed? Jumps? Drama? I can think of something else that's a LOT like skating:



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Payback Mary Worth Style

For those who enjoyed Sunday's post about Li'l Abner's parody of Mary Worth, I have searched and searched for the Mary Worth story that was satirizing Al Capp, the beloved author of Li'l Abner.

Using a resource sent to me by Tina, I've been able dig through the Cedar Rapids Library archives and grab these scans from the original 1957 paper. They are hard to read, but I think they're worth the effort! You can click on the images for larger versions.

Mary Worth 354

"Old Friend" is what I call someone when I can't remember their name. It's a little social trick I've been using since the ninth grade. "Hello, old friend, it's so good to see you once more." "I admire your turtleneck, old friend." "What is your Donkey Kong high score, old friend?" It really works well, and helps avoid any social awkwardness.

However, in Mary's case I get the strong impression that this is simply code for, "We're keeping this strictly platonic, buster." We should hear Frank referred to as "old friend" at least twenty times. Today was the fifth time so far.

Mary Worth 353

Once again, Santa Royale International Airport fails to keep Jeff Corey, M.D., from getting to the gate without a boarding pass. And I think it was sweet of Delta Airlines to give Mary Worth the best first class seat on the plane so that she can wave good-bye to Jeff. But that's Delta for you! They'll even drive the plane up to the terminal window just for last good-byes.

That lady with the black hair? The most unfortunate airline passenger of all time. If she turns her head at all forward, it's over. The meddling will begin.

Okay, I get it. The clouds look like waves. But, really, how does Mary come up with this kind of wisdom? It seems to be some kind of quote, from some wise, wise person, but really I think she's quoting herself. Only Mary could notice that waves ebb and flow, like progress. Except, of course, when they're ebbing. Which would be more like the opposite of progress.

For those of you who need a little more Mary Worth on a lazy Sunday morning, I thought I'd share this fantastic article from a 1957 issue of Time Magazine.

Once you've read the article, you'll enjoy these Lil Abner cartoons even more (click them to enlarge them). And if anyone can find copies of the Mary Worth retaliation comics, please let me know!





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Mary Worth 352

Too soon, Mary. Too soon.

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Mary Worth 351

Jeff passively gives Mary Worth permission not to invite him along for a romantic trip to Lake Placid Tranquil by indicating he can't travel to see Drew in Vietnam because his knees are acting up. Mary's all, like, "Whatever. I'll have to wait ten minutes in a security line before I spend the week with my friend Frank Griffin in the Adirondacks."

But the last time we visited the Santa Royale International Airport, TSA was no where to be seen.

Mary Worth 350

That's right, Jeff, and if ever anyone exemplified the Prime Directive, it's your girlfriend, Mary Worth. Now she's off to Lake Tranquil for a weekend of skiing with a "friend" and non-interference.

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Mary Worth 349

Please, for the love of nondescript meat and bleached peas, let this not be a Drew Corey story! Please let it be a Mary Worth road trip story. Anything but a Drew Corey story! I was just about to throw in the towel on Mary Worth during the identity theft public service announcement, but I have been so excited to see Mary hit the road in this new adventure. Now they have to bring up Drew Corey?? If this turns into a Jeff goes back to Vietnam to check up on Drew story, I'm going to reject Mary Worth the way Jeff rejects a second helping.

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Mary Worth 348

Speaking of "Old Haunts," Mary looks quite ready for Halloween. Goth suits her.

Jeff has quickly changed the subject and is thinking about going back to Vietnam where he almost died until Mary rescued him. It's a pretty desperate attempt to get a little attention from Mary. But the last time Mary had that look on her face, Jeff tried blatant jealousy and look where it got him. Mary's so enthusiastic about seeing "what it takes to train a skating super-star," she's barely aware that Jeff is still in the room.

In celebration of all the great "Road Trip" comments yesterday, I've added "King of the Road" to the Charterstone Jukebox. If you're like me, you enjoy clicking the "Pop Out" button and listening to the Charterstone Jukebox throughout your work day.

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Mary Worth 347

No, Jeff, she's not a dog. Frank is her "Coach." But why don't you nip this one in the bud and just take Mary to a Weepies concert, or have you forgotten already what this is really all about? Here's a simple reminder:



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Edited to add: If you haven't read these song lyrics posted yesterday by an anonymous reader yet, click here.

Mary Worth 346

You know who else is sorry to hear that? Jeff Corey.

Oh, sure, Jeff will have no problem with this suggestion. He had a cow when Mary appeared in the paper with a two-bit town councilman. Why would he have a problem when Mary appears on NBC Sports with a celebrity coach at Lake Tranquil, one of the most romantic spots on earth?

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Mary Worth 345

And those who can't teach, teach gym... that was the complete expression as I recall. However, I'm not sure it is one Mary approves of, and I hope that she won't let it stand unchallenged. Wouldn't it be awesome if this story developed into The Battle of Clichés?

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Mary Worth 344

"In fact, I'm so blatantly obsessed with my daughter's success that I didn't even notice my computer getting swiped right out from under my nose."

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Mary Worth 343

"Frank, this is Mary Worth. You need to put your computer monitor up on a phone book or something or you're going to give yourself some terrible neck problems. You don't want to herniate a disc. If you have any questions, please speak to Terry Bryson on the third floor. She knows a lot about computers."

After "Identity Theft Toby," this new story looks so, so promising. Which is great because Mary Worth fans thrive on disappointment!

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Mary Worth 342

Road Trip!!

One thing's for sure: Mary Worth sure is up on her geography. I had to Google Lake Tranquil, and even then I could only find it in the Ozarks which is nowhere near Upstate New York.

Speaking of upstate New York, my wife and I went to see The Express (Mrs. Wanders went to Syracuse). Do not miss it. Go to the theater tonight, lay down your cash, and enjoy the movie! My wife and I both thought it was the best movie we'd seen in years. And we've seen some good ones.



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Mary Worth 341

Ol' Whatsizname has gotta be ready to hit the ceiling by now. Wait... Jeff? That's right, his name is Jeff.

I'm hoping this is not going to be a story about performance enhancing drugs (I just don't want to see skaters on steroids!). I think it will be about how ice skating has become way too big of an obsession in our country, judging by the 80,000 fans sitting in the stadium.

Mary Worth 340

"I haven't seen him for ages. Not since just after I bought this black & white television set."

Often, when we start a new plot, there's a bit of a transition. Mary and Toby sharing stew for instance and rehashing recent events. But coming off the worst Mary Worth story ever(!), it's probably best just to put it in our past. Two images will never be forgotten however: That pink power paper shredder carton, and Ian without his shirt. No matter how hard I try to forget, they're seared into my brain forever.

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Mary Worth 339

You know, I don't care how sickening Ian and Toby's private conversations are. Today I wept for joy when I learned that they already had "followed up with all the the actions they tell you to do." (I'm not sure the linguistics and pedagogy lecturer approves of that sentence.)

I'm especially grateful that this story covered the "tell you" part, but skipped any "actions" part. It isn't easy, especially in a medium that uses pictures (like comics, or movies, or television) to eliminate all action from a story and just talk about the action instead. But, remarkably, "They" managed.

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Mary Worth 338

Well, I guess we can look forward to the next three weeks of Toby repeating everything Terry said.

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Mary Worth 337

Considering how they never have had anything remotely resembling a real conversation, I'm not sure that's very reassuring.

But, given the profound depth of their true love ways, I've added a Buddy Holly tune to the Charterstone Jukebox. Awesome.

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Mary Worth 336

"My dear, sweet, stupid, stupid wife. Of course I still respect you... nearly half as much as I respect my colleague. I know how much that must mean to you. After all, my respect is what matters most. Now where's my dinner? And why isn't the kitchen re-tiled?"

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Mary Worth 335

I agree. Chicago is a great city (as anyone who was reading this blog last May when Donna Amalfi died knows). And I'm sure that the conference was definitely better than the goings on here in Santa Royale. But you don't want to trip over that low bar.

So now Toby has confessed to being careless with her identity. I'm afraid those of you hoping for a little domestic violence really will be disappointed.

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Mary Worth 334

"Nothing's wrong, Ian. Just the Black Plague. It's very contagious."

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Mary Worth 333

What ever's necessary? Then you had better start tiling fast. There isn't much time since you wasted the entire week worrying about identity theft.

Toby has had a change in perspective, and so has her kitchen. The counter down is from a right angle, while the cupboard up is from the left. Great use of art as metaphor! This strip is genius. Pure artistic genius.

Brilliant Solution!

This just in: The Herald-Mail in Hagerstown, Maryland, has done something brilliant. They've moved Mary Worth from the comics page, to their "Break" page featuring advice columnists and horoscopes! That way, all those idiot comics readers who are expecting quick laughs will stop picking on her. And mature readers who are seeking ways to improve their lives, will find her where she belongs, amidst Ann Landers and Lovesick Annie and all the other do-gooders! This is a far better solution than just kicking her out of their publication.

If your paper has already cut Mary Worth, why don't you pass this idea along to them!

Mary Worth 332

Dear Dream Diary,

I dreamt I was married to that fat, pompous elderly grouch with the strange beard again. In the dream I was terribly intimidated by him. I didn't want him to think less of me, so I kept important information from him: Other people were spending our money; I like plaid; his ear hair disgusts me. But he discovered my secrets and exploded. I woke up in a cold sweat. At first, I was relieved to discover I was alone and my bed is too small to hold such a fat husband. Then I remembered: We sleep in separate beds! Oh, save me dream diary! Save me!

P.S. Tomorrow, I think I'll re-tile the kitchen.

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Mary Worth 331

One day, I came to a bridge. As I began to cross it, I noticed my boat was rocking. How peculiar, I thought. I don't remember being in a boat. Suddenly, the train exploded down the line. "What train?" I asked out loud. "The metaphor train," Mrs. McGovern, my ninth grade English teacher answered from her grave. "Try as it might, it just can't seem to leave the station." But that's water under the bridge. Hey, we've come full circle!

Love Matters

My favorite radio program? Delilah, of course. I'm sure she's on a radio station near you, and you can find out by visiting Delilah.com. Whenever I'm out with my family, we tune in and the kids just laugh and laugh at the callers, who phone in with some sort of story about how their boyfriend broke up with them eleven months ago, but they love him so much and they're hopeful they can still work it out. And then Delilah tells them to get over it and thank God for their blessings and then plays an Air Supply song for them. I tell my kids to shut up and not laugh because she's a do-gooder fixing everybody's problems and the world needs more do-gooders. Sounds like a familiar old meddler we all know and love, doesn't it?

If you visit Delilah.com, be sure to click the "Sounds to Hear" link that has a whole bunch of recordings of Delilah's callers sharing their hearts and souls.

Mary Worth 330

Dear Dream Diary,

I had the nightmare again last night. I was wandering through the Santa Royale Forbidden Jungle of Fear. I was filled with such emptiness and blackness. I leaned against something to steady myself, and I nearly swooned when I discovered I was leaning against a casket! I opened it, and inside was my Identity, dead as a door nail and laughing at me. I began to run. Time moved so slowly that the Santa Royale Glacier caught up with me from behind. But that's not the worst part: Mary Worth was there, and she kept trying to convince me that I was married to an old, fat, pompous man with a chin beard. Then I woke up, and it was true! Oh, save me dream diary, save me!