Mary Worth Adventures #430

It just wouldn't be an interesting story if a dysfunctional elderly rage-aholic didn't make a move on Mary Worth. Let's face it, when Toby had her identity stolen, no one picked up on Mary Worth, and that story wasn't interesting at all. It's a formula I'll never get tired of and hope to see it many more times.

And thank you, Mary, for reiterating the FREEDOM of ice skating once again. It's the greatest freedom of all. It's better than the freedom of walking, or the freedom of biking, or even the freedom of retiling the kitchen floor.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth Adventures #429

Actually, Frank, it's not like riding a bicycle at all. Trust me on this.

I'd like to thank Karen Moy for telling us all about the endless freedom of ice skating. Rather than showing us. Perhaps tomorrow the choreographer will stand on the sidelines and narrate for us: "Mary is skating with a sense of FREEDOM I've never seen before! The wind is in her hair as she skates over the flow of ice! Her grace is remarkable. For a woman of advancing years, she looks as though she's twenty again! She must have been quite a skater in her youth!" But I don't blame Karen Moy for treating her readers like idiots. What else would explain why we read this strip?

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth Adventures #428

Well, well, well. What do you know. Every once in a while, Moy pulls it off. This ought to be good. Suddenly, my expectations for the week have improved. I can't wait to see some of this old pair's moves. Especially in the Toast Sweater and the Anorexia-hiding layered T ensemble.

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 427

I better get back home before I waste away to nothing on this "Ice Rink Coffee Machine" addiction I've developed.

Mary Worth 426

Yes, Mary Worth, as soon as you spoke to her, the childhood loss of her mother, the tragic car wreck that crushed the life out of her best friend, and years of verbal and emotional abuse from her own father, were just magically lifted. Thanks, Mary Worth. You're the best!

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 425

"You hear that little girl! You don't have a chance against Vicky and Lynn and me! So quit it with the 'V-for-Victory' formation. Try lowering your left arm, and it's the 'L-for-Loser' formation. Because you're a loser!"

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Mary Worth 424

Actually, overcoming your rage addiction will take much more than just a few concessions, Frank. Try years of therapy. But at least you're making progress. That sweater has completely emasculated you, so that helps.

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Mary Worth 423

I guess I got confused. I thought we already had the nationals. This story is just barely getting started. But don't worry: There is no better way to enjoy figure skating than watching it rendered two panels a day by Joe Giella.

Today's Full Strip.

Mary Worth 422

And let's also toast to the endless possibilities of a new Mary Worth story which will get underway in just another week or two as soon as this ridiculous toast is concluded.

What does she mean by a "stronger and improved team?" Is this some sort of hidden clue that Moy has been fired and someone new is coming in? I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I notice the blood in Mary Worth's glass has turned black. Lynn's transformation to soulless minion is complete.

Mary Worth 421

Whoops. I hate to break it to you, but you missed the Nationals, honey. They ended on Sunday night in Cleveland. And it's too bad, because they really could have used you, based on the Washington Post article I posted yesterday. All of this build up, and you missed the big game. Perhaps Vicky can draw on her vast network of professional contacts and get you a job at the local Dairy Queen.

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Mary Worth 420

After Lynn skates her long program . . . AND changes into her cute little battenburg lace collar outfit... AND cuts her choreographer's hair into a classic "Dawn Weston..."

... Frank believes he can fly! (Sending a new song to the top of the Charterstone Jukebox Playlist!)

I'm nervous because whenever Lynn wins an ice skating game, someone dies.

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Mary Worth 419

What? And she couldn't get you better seats?

Today's Full Strip.

Mary Worth 414

Moments that seem to last for hours, hours that last for weeks, and weeks that last an eternity. Oh, please, please, please, move on to the next moment.

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Mary Worth 413

I don't mind that the story has come to a jolting halt, like a skate blade hitting a piece of shag carpet that somebody tossed out on the lake, because the Free Skate promises to be as action packed as the "Ice Capades Presents Indiana Jones on Ice!" What am I looking forward to the most? Finding out what song Lynn skates to so we can add it to the Charterstone Jukebox.

However, since our story's present dialogue has failed to sustain itself these last few weeks, this might be a good time to remind everyone that there are only four more days to vote for the Worthy Awards! Some of the categories are extremely close!

Today's Full Strip.

Mary Worth 412

Lynn, skating free at the Free Skate. Earning the medal for herself. And for Dead Greg.

Frank, letting go. Watching the beauty of his daughter's Free Skate, Frank's icy heart finally melts and he realizes how much he misses Lynn's mother, dear ol' what's-her-name.

Mary Worth, winning one herself. Watching Lynn receive her medal, Mary earns her own meddle award, and carves another notch in her handbag.

Today's Full Strip.

Mary Worth 411

Kudos to dear reader Robert for calling today's strip perfectly. I have to admit, I didn't see this coming at all. But then again, I wasn't really looking that hard.

Now, the only question remains: Whose soulless puppet is she? It looks like Mary will be returning home just in time to watch Lynn on television as she competes in Cleveland. I'll be watching too, Lynn!

Today's Full Strip.

Mary Worth 410

Looks like Frank has given up any hope he had of being a motivational speaker after he quits coaching. As Lynn would say, "Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, coach. Those who can't coach, charge a $5,000 speakers fee."

But if Frank can't get you stoked Lynn, then perhaps this will:



Lynn, get on the very next bus to Cleveland! The championships are only five days away!

Today's Full Strip

Mary Worth 409

Join me, Lynn! Together we can rule the ice rink!



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Mary Worth 408

"You won the Junior Championship later that year! See, here's the medal you won. No wait. This is a framed photo of the medal. The medal is on the wall. See. See your medal. I have a photo of it in my wallet if you want to see that."

But for those of you who can't get enough of Frank Griffin, dear reader Amber has shared this information on his book tour (click to enlarge):



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Mary Worth 407

There's something in the tone of Frank's denial that seems to say, "Does she know? Does she know that I cut the brake lines on that boy's car?"