Mary Worth 3709

Well, Drew is ready to move on for real it looks like. But me? Heck no. He hasn't eaten a single muffin. I was really, really hoping Ashlee was the one.

Mary Worth 3708

The agony, the despair. Get that man some muffins!

Mary Worth 3707

She also pulled at your Rolex. Maybe that's why you dreamt she pulled your arms 20 feet long - you were trying not to lose your watch.

Mary Worth 3706

Ah, the dog days of summer. Just what we've waited for. We endured girl fights, profanity, bizarre dreams, and at last we've finally arrived: Meddling on a Bench! It's why we're here. It's what we live for. Please don't let it end too soon!

Mary Worth 3701

I spent quite a while before this morning's sun came up, trying to figure out what lesson Drew could have possibly learned. I think the answer is, "Don't go out with all the women who throw themselves at you." Drew deserves a greater challenge. Perhaps his receptionist. She seems to understand pretty clearly that Drew is an idiot.

Mary Worth 3700

I'm back. Shauna's back. All is right with the world.

Mary Worth 3698

Text dumped. It's okay... Shauna still loves you, Drew.

P.S., I came home from work late last night to discover I had forgotten to press "publish" on yesterday morning's post. Today is like a single admission double-header.

Mary Worth 3697

Great job offer out of town: Denny's in Keokuk.

More PayPal thank yous: Thank you to Cheryl and Buckley for their generous donations to the "Santa Royale Rehabilitation Fund." I'm sure Ashlee Jones will be rehabilitated in no time.

Mary Worth 3696

"Your kindness and compassion as a doctor inspire me to go to medical school. Please PayPal me $200,000 instead of five grand."

Mary Worth 3694

"Sometimes I get so caught up in my job that I totally forget what my job actually is. When my brain finally clears, I'm left wondering, why am I covered in blood, and whose body is that?" A great big thank you to Cheryl and Karen for your donations yesterday. They were very generous.

Mary Worth 3693

Psycho Ashlee is even more frightening than Violent Ashlee. Drew truly looks scared for his life.

By the way, you can PayPal me $5,000 right here, right now:

I will do my best to pay you back in laughs, eye rolls, and a special tote bag. Don't have $5,000? I will still do my best on the laughs and eye rolls. But for $5,000, you get a tote bag.

Mary Worth 3692

Perhaps a more accurate text should read, "Killed another patient today. Buried in paperwork. Don't barge in and swear at me."

Mary Worth 3691

Drew prays that one day the clinic can buy a defibrillator.

Mary Worth 3689

"It's five grand, five thousand clams, 50 Benjamins, quite a lot of moolah, five thousand smackers, a real bucket of samolians, five thousand smackaroonies... what I'm really trying to say is, it's a lot of bread. But I'm happy to lend you the dough so I can share you with the world."

Mary Worth 3688

Ashlee only asks because she loves to be compared to Shauna.

Mary Worth 3686

Wow, the price of a good grift has really dropped. Ten or 12 years ago, Ted Confrey got 50 G's, a few years back, even Arthur Zero could get $10,000. It is definitely a victim's market.

Mary Worth 3684

"Thanks! The security video of you slugging me in the head was also fab!"

Mary Worth 3683

"What time?"

"I have no idea. My Rolex is missing again."

Thank you to Matthew Cunningham at the super-underground dark-Facebook page that I will not name. I totally stole this joke without asking his permission because it was too good not to steal.

Mary Worth 3682

"I am tired. My coffee is on your face."

Mary Worth 3681

"There is no moving on." Accurate.

But, listen, this is the best story we've had since "Dogs are Good," and I for one hope it never ends.