Mary Worth 243

"Mary Doesn't Answer Jeff's Calls
and Other Fun Facts About Mary Worth."

Mary sits on a bed.
Mary uses Liquid Pledge.
Mary has a hard mattress.
Mary's pillows don't fluff.
Mary carries a grudge.
Satan fears Mary.

Mary Worth 241

I'd like to point out that one year ago yesterday, Drew Corey and Vera Shields met for the first time: "Well, hello there! The name's Drew Corey! Dr. Drew Corey! And what might yours be?" And here it is, one year later, and as I pointed out the other day, Karen Moy is recycling the exact same plot. But this time, Mary is Vera, and she's torturing another Dr. Corey. If she and Ron end up going to the Junction Road Cafe, full of rotating donut display cases, and having a painfully dull and lengthy discussion with Jeff about how wonderful it is to be playing the field at this age, I may have to start reading Hagar the Horrible, which makes no pretense about its quality.

Mary Worth 240

Why, Mary Worth, you little ol' flirt. So the rumors are true.

Today's strip has really helped to advance the plot. Now we can watch Mary screen calls from Dr. Jeff Corey as she waits for Ron Amalfi to call back tomorrow and tell her all about their dinner plans. Just like last week. The best thing about Ron is that he keeps Mary waiting by the phone and off the street, meddling, where she can do real damage.

Mary Worth 239

This looks familiar,

Vaguely familiar,


Almost unreal yet,
It's too soon to feel yet,

Close to my soul, and yet,
So far away

I'm going to go back there someday.

Mary Worth 238

Wow. We always knew she was a selfish, acrimonious old dame, but this is just awesome! This is what happens when Mary Worth stops taking her meds. Her true colors come shining through, and she's beautiful, like a rainbow. In honor of today's strip, I've added "True Colors" to the Charterstone Jukebox on the right.

I wonder if Ron Amalfi knows anything about her plans? I don't even want to think about what plans she might have. Heaven help the man.

(By the way, if you haven't read NellieOlsen'sConjoinedTwin's poem in yesterday's comments section, do not miss it. The poem is even better than her name! Positively medieval.)

Mary Worth 237

Because of her hearing loss, Mary Worth has her voice mail machine turned up so loudly that passersby can hear it, even through closed windows. She keeps her windows closed in this gorgeous weather to help cultivate that old lady smell inside her apartment. And it is the old lady smell that has turned Mary into a cranky old game playing love diva. "I'd like to forgive you, Jeff, but after what you said about my breaking our date so I could go to La Rosa with Ron, well, I think I'm going to have to key your car and carve my name into your bucket seats."

Mary Worth 236

I would scream, "Run, Jeff. Run," but really, where would he go? He's crawling back to Mary Worth determined, in his doctorly way, to fix things, even if it means sacrificing his chances at a normal happy life. On the other hand, Mary has some great legs at 67. So, maybe he knows what he's doing. I don't think it is worth it, but who am I to judge?

Mary Worth 235

I never want to see Mary Worth showing this much skin again. Ever.

Fortunately, Jeff is now crawling back as we all new he would. Unless of course, Mary has simply added that last bit on the outgoing message of her answering machine to bring her comfort in her loneliness.

Mary Worth 234

I agree with Toby completely. That is unfortunate! I would have paid money to watch Mary Worth go all Sean Penn on some hapless photographer for the Santa Royale News.

This is a funny rose garden. I assume it is a public garden, either on the Charterstone compound proper or nearby. Either way, Mary feels perfectly at ease walking around with her pruning shears snipping roses and then discarding them wherever she pleases. Oh, I get it. Another profound metaphor for how Mary Worth treats everyone.

Mary Worth 233

Speaking of reactions, yesterday there was some political controversy. I'm not speaking of whether or not Barak Obama agressively pursued an agreement on public campaign financing with McCain, or whether their staff discussions solved the 527 problem that surely would have made a joke of any such agreement. No, I'm talking about me. Yes, yesterday I joined with the Sierra Club, American Steel, AFSCME, Al Gore and a host of other evil-doers, and endorsed Barak Obama for President.

But just because Wanders endorses Obama, do not fear: Mary Worth proudly endorses John McCain, and here, in his own words, is why:

Mary Worth 232

You know what I'm wondering about? Why hasn't Ron Amalfi called to apologize or at least discuss with Mary Worth the photo in the paper? I guess he has taken a page out of the current administration's book (Does President Bush own books?) that says, "Never read the papers. Let your Yes Men tell you what's going on."

Obama in 2008. Donate to his campaign today! He won't leave you hanging like Ron Amalfi.

Mary Worth 231

It seems that after Jeff eventually discovered the way out of Mary's labyrinthine apartment (at least, we assume he found his way out. We never got to see him actually exit; for all we know he is still meandering through doors that go nowhere and climbing stairs that end at the ceiling, like the Winchester Mystery House, which was a big deal when I was a kid growing up in what would eventually be called Silicon Valley: "Keep building! Keep building!" Ah, intermission at the Moffett Field Drive In. But I digress) somehow Jeff gave Mary the impression that he'd come crawling back. Mary, guess what. You can't break up with Jeff; he just broke up with you. The best you can hope for is to control the life of a powerful politician recently appointed to Town Council.

To our anonymous winner of Not-A-Real-Contest 3, your musical selection has been approved by the Condo Board and added to the Charterstone jukebox on the right. Thanks for bringing a little humor to this house of heartbreak.

Not-A-Real-Contest 3 Winner!

Thanks to everyone who participated in yesterday's Not-A-Real-Contest contest. I enjoyed reading what everyone in Santa Royale is thinking when they look at the picture of Ron and Mary in the newspaper. Lots of great entries. The Condo Board was able to narrow it down to two entries and then I determined the final results.

First Runner Up: Carol, for her poignant "Oh, look, there's a sale at Walgreen's."

And our grand prize winner is the Anonymous writer who captured verbatim the succinct single thought of the entire city of Santa Royale: "Oh look, Mary Worth is obviously cheating on her boyfriend, Dr. Jeff Corey. I feel so sorry for that foolish cuckold, Dr. Jeff Corey. Dr. Jeff Corey must be a real fool. That poor stupid Dr. Jeff Corey. Poor Dr. Jeff Corey. She made a fool of Dr. Jeff Corey, alright. What a dope that Dr. Jeff Corey is! I bet Dr. Jeff Corey feels stupid. I should call all my friends and tell them how Mary Worth made Dr. Jeff Corey look foolish. Poor foolish Dr. Jeff Corey! My, my, my. Dr. Jeff Corey. Dr. Jeff Corey. Dr. Jeff Corey."

Congratulations Carol and Anonymous. You each win the opportunity to suggest a song for the Charterstone Jukebox (in the right column of this blog). Since all songs must be approved by the Condo Board, I encourage you to listen to the jukebox to get a sense of what they like. You can email your suggestions to MaryWorthandMe@gmail.com.

Mary Worth 230

It's time once again for another Not-A-Real-Contest Contest! You, the reader, get to decide what everyone thinks when they look at the picture of Mary Worth and Ron Amalfi holding glasses in the Santa Royale News.

Submit your answers in today's comments section. Remember, the winner isn't always the snarkiest, nor is it the most violent. Sometimes it is just the most pure in heart. The winner will have the opportunity to suggest a new song for the Charterstone Jukebox. (Not-A-Real-Contest contests are not real contests. All songs on the Charterstone Jukebox must be approved by the Condo Board. No prize is guaranteed.)

So submit your best (family-friendly) guess today! What do people think when they look at that photo? Come on, you know you want to.

EDITED TO ADD: A winner has been selected which you can read about here. However, feel free to add comments if you'd like, and be sure to read all the entries.

Mary Worth 229

He's having trouble getting past that one sentence. Isn't that exactly what Jeff said yesterday? He's also having trouble getting past Mary who has completely power blocked his attempt to leave her apartment. The question is, will we ever get past this silly little plot development. Does anybody really doubt Jeff and Mary will work it out and reunite? I mean, her love for Jeff actually killed a man less than two years ago. But if they do break up, does anybody really care?

Mary Worth 228

Well, I just spent two exhausting days with some incredible teen-agers who worked their tails off doing volunteer service. Did you like the Old Time Mary Worth blogs I scheduled while I was away? It kind of made me appreciate Joe Giella and Karen Moy even more, who are producing another story of misunderstanding and jealousy (some things never change) only without the cleavage (some things do). I didn't think I would want to recap what I missed, but I have to comment on one thing that was hysterical: Mary Worth's mood channeling Mexican talavera sun.

First, the talavera sun is all, "Talk to the hand, Mary," and then it's grabbing onto Jeff's ear and encouraging his romantic rage, whispering, "You go, Jeff. You aren't wrong; Mary was totally school-girl giddy when Ron called and took her out after she scorned you." I always thought those talavera suns had mystical powers, but this one is fun and wacky.

Now on to Sunday's recap...

"Yes, Jeff, the whole story! Sit down and I'll tell it to you!" Awesome. It really is going to be a Sunday recap! I love it when the plot doesn't advance for weeks.

"Retraction: The News recently referred to Ron Amalfi's election to Town Council. No election occurred. Councilman Amalfi was appointed to the city's Town Council by someone. The News humbly apologizes and thanks the elderly Zombie Woman who visited our offices and clearly pointed out our shameful mistake before eating our features editor."

No need to apologize, Jeff; the whole world is laughing at you. And we mustn't have that, mustn't we. It's wonderful that you've been able to jettison any feelings you ever had for Mary Worth with the realization that it's what people think about you that really matters. And people think you're an idiot and a fool for having hung out with this neglectful, self-righteous meddler for so long. Still, we're rooting for you Jeff. Now get back to your fund-raising; you're going to have plenty of time for it.

Mary Worth Love Stories #3, Part 2

So, are you dying to find out how Mary Worth plotted to save the relationship of two strangers no matter whose life she destroys in the process?

Dalton Westlake needs a new agent.

Duchess Chichi immediately dumps school principal Hal Winston and hooks up with the actor, believing he's a wealthy older gentleman. To Mary Worth, Chichi is a trashy gold digger and deserves to get stuck with an out-of-work actor. And Dalton Westlake is a lazy man of the stage who deserves a phony duchess. Same old Mary Worth. She's been rather consistent over the last 60 years, I'd say. However, a few days later Mary's heart starts to soften, and she almost warns Westlake that the duchess ain't all she appears to be.

Well, he asked for it! Heaven forbid Mary should ever try to help someone avoid trouble.

So, Hal and Sue Carrol reconcile (Hal writes a silly love note and has a student hand it in with a writing exam).

If an image is too small, you can click it for the larger scan.

But what of our evil duchess and charlatan actor?

I have to admit, I actually found the story more entertaining than the modern version. It was just as improbable, but there seemed to be a little more wise-cracking. And how about our Mary Worth screwing up the lives of those two no-goods? Just wait until they con her out of her late-husband's pension fund!

Mary Worth Love Stories #3, Part 1

What? You didn't think I'd leave you, dear reader, high and dry, did you?

I may be out of circuit for a few days, but I have scheduled a couple of posts in my absence and hope you'll enjoy them.

On eBay, I found a copy of Mary Worth Love Stories #3, a 1950 comic book that I assume is a collection of Mary Worth strips from the forties, put together as a complete story. The title scared me to death - who wants to see Mary Worth getting her jiggy on 1940's style. Fortunately, the romance revolved around two much younger and prettier characters. It included lots of kissing and even some cleavage! Mary only appeared on about four pages of the entire comic book.

Let me give you a taste!


Mary Worth is staying at the home of the wealthy Darcy family in a small town called Willowbrook. The husband has business dealings with a French widow named Countess Chichi de Chambery-Fraise (ooh la-la). The local school principal Hal Winston, who is secretly engaged to teacher Sue Carrol, is hired to translate French during Chichi's business meeting. Chichi makes the moves on Hal, and it turns out that she's not even really French. She's from Kansas and just married a French count (now dead) for his money (now gone). So when she finds out that Hal has $3,000 saved for his wedding, she plots to marry Hal so she can pay her hotel bill. Local gossip breaks Sue's heart. Naturally, the queen of meddling takes an interest. Read about it below, if you're interested (click for the larger scan):

Mary, who isn't nearly as talkative in 1950 as she is now, hatches a plan:

What is her plan? You'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out! But, dear reader, I have to say, it is the most diabolical and evil scheme I have ever seen Mary Worth carry off. She's able to destroy two lives, including one innocent by-stander. Woot woot!

Mary Worth 227

If Ron is just friends with Mary Worth, then why is he lying on her living room floor, sticking his hand in the air, getting ready to subtly choke Dr. Jeff Corey?

Dear Readers: I will be busy for the next couple of days doing volunteer service activities because I, like Mary, am such a wonderful do-gooder. This will prevent me from even reading Mary Worth on Friday and Saturday. As always, you can follow Mary Worth at the Washington Post while I'm gone. I'm looking forward to catching up on Sunday. Hopefully, by then, Jeff will have completely dumped his two-timing trollop.

Mary Worth 226

And here I've been worrying that Mary Worth was not appearing in enough papers.

Yesterday, I had a telephone conversation with Steve Massey, Features Editor at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. You'll recall that they took a survey last March to determine which comic strip they should consider cutting when Doonsbury returned. He told me that they'd heard from hundreds of Mary Worth fans asking them not to cut the strip. He said that Mary Worth always comes in last in these surveys, but the fans who actually do read it (and who happen to be, he said, in their subscribers' elderly demographic) are such a vocal minority, that his paper can't cut her... as much as he'd like to. The Post-Gazette is keeping Mary Worth, he said, "beyond my fondest dreams." So it pays to let the papers know how much you enjoy Mary Worth. (Massey also told me that they were cutting the Amazing Spider-Man, which would disappoint the children. I can't blame him, though. Now that's a boring strip.)

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No wonder Dr. Jeff Corey prefers living as a bachelor in his suburban man cabin: mix and match canisters; a giant island shoved against the counter; manly smoking jacket; and the simple pleasure of reading the obituaries over a bowl of cold cereal and a jug of moonshine.

EDITED TO ADD: Kudos to the San Diego Union-Tribune for sparing Mary Worth! They're getting ready to dump one of three comics, and Mary Worth isn't one of them. You can send them an email at comics@uniontrib.com to congratulate them on their advanced sense of humor! Be sure to mention Mary Worth and Me.

Mary Worth 224

I still don't get how we're defining the word "friend" here. What is this outlandish statement based upon? A depressing platitude? "We cannot change what God determines." Some obvious advice? "Your mother wants you to reconcile with your brother." A questionable medical assessment? "Talk to her, Ron. Your brain-dead mother can hear you." Super-natural prophecy: "Your dead mother must have known you reconciled." And a little social banter? "Thanks for inviting me to your mother's funeral, Ron!"

I'm sorry, but "What did I do to deserve you," is a line reserved only for the most intimate relationships, like the Captain and Maria. Just saying you're friends doesn't really make it so. Jeff and Mary, now that's friendship! They sail together, and take long walks, and conspire to send the children off to Vietnam. Mary supports Jeff in his hobbies, like doctor stuff and fund raising, and Jeff - until recently - supports Mary in her meddling projects. If Ron is this desperate for friendship, I have no idea how he maintained the political network necessary to be appointed to the town council. (And it still bugs me that he wasn't elected.)

But one thing is for certain, Mary Worth can use all the friends she can get these days. The Oklahoman has added itself to the long list of newspapers cutting our beloved Charterstone matriarch.

Mary Worth 223

We've got a lot of ground to cover at La Rosa, so let's get started, shall we?

You can tell by the carefully prepared brown lumps of food and the fact that Father McIrish-Green-Jacket dines here with the head of the Women's Auxilary (albeit without a table), that La Rosa is nothing less than a Five Star (★★★★★) dining experience.

Gosh, Ron Amalfi is so committed to this mysterious, political-sounding thing called "downtown revitalization," that he's willing to trade a normal life for late nights at work, long hours on the phone, and boring business trips... Wait a minute. For most of us, that is normal life. Dining at five star restaurants with Mary Worth, however, would be anything but normal.

Finally, the opening panel demands a little attention.

If you're so intent, Ron, on making a change, then why don't you start by changing your expression?

The King Features Store

Did you know that King Features Syndicate has a King Features Store? It's a Cafe Press store where you can buy licensed shirts, mugs, tote bags, and framed art of King Features' characters.

They feature Beetle Baily, Bizarro, Baby Blues, Zits ... even Hagar the Horrible, and the Lockhorns. So why not Mary Worth? I for one would love a few Mary Worth T-shirts or sweaters. Heck I'd even love a T-shirt with just "Moy & Giella" signed across the back.

Ita Golzman is the vice president of North American licensing at King Features. Why not shoot her an email and let her know you'd love to see Mary Worth included at the King Features Store.

Mary Worth 222

Uh oh. Politics. Tricky subject for Mary Worth. Obviously, Mary Worth was supporting Hillary Clinton because they're both women, and according to cable news, women supported Hillary Clinton. Additionally, Mary Worth will now be voting for McCain because according to cable news, people who supported Hillary Clinton could never vote for Barak Obama. Even though Clinton and Obama are so alike on so many issues that it led to a major split in the Democratic Party, Clinton supporters are so angry that they will abandon all their political principles and vote for McCain out of spite. Also, McCain is old according to cable news, so that's another reason Mary Worth will vote for him.

Mary Worth 221

Yesterday's cliffhanger: "Where will we eat?" Today's climax: "La Rosa." Whew! And so many of us were certain they were going to the Bum Boat. I totally didn't see this coming. I love when the plot takes a complete left turn like this. Whoa. It's what makes Mary Worth so exciting. And Mexican food is so much spicier than seafood, which also says something about Ron vs. Jeff.

Plus, Ron has been appointed to Santa Royale's Town Council making him spicey and powerful. Apparently, in Santa Royale they realize that the citezenry is too simple-minded to actually choose their officials through a democratic election. So the King of Santa Royale appoints them.

Exciting news: According to Archie News, our very own legendary comic artist Joe Giella has inked the cover of the upcoming "Archie's Pals & Gals Double Digest" #122. Look for it in specialty stores on June 11th, and on newsstands June 25th. This man just doesn't slow down!

Mary Worth 220

Please don't eat at the Bum Boat. Please don't eat at the Bum Boat. If Ron takes Mary Worth to the Bum Boat, despite their ridiculously early reservation, Jeff might see them, or the wait staff might get suspicious, but no doubt it will only make things worse. And that would mean a plot might start to develop, which could be too much for Mary Worth fans to handle.

But the main reason I don't want them to go to the Bum Boat is that I am only aware of three restaurants in Santa Royale: The Bum Boat (★★★); Three Trees (★★★★); and the Junction Road Cafe (★). And it's always fun to discover a new place to eat.

I was thrilled by the panel above. Since Mary Worth read the Charterstone bylaws and discovered that, yes, pets are allowed, everyone is getting dogs to carry. And it makes them so happy!

Mary Worth 219

This is it: The Big Moment. Mary Worth has been waiting for weeks to find out just exactly how much Ron is inheriting.

I have to admit, when I first read this, I thought Mary was the one saying she had good news to share, i.e.: I dumped Jeff. I was disappointed when I figured out the first balloon was coming from the phone.

Somewhere down this lumbering storyline, there's going to be this moment when Jeff admits feeling jealous of Ron Amalfi. And if Mary even so much as hints that her feelings were completely altruistic and not romantic in the least, she deserves to burn in hell for eternity. Skin worms eating her flesh, eyeballs dangling from their sockets. Because that's what liars get.

Mary Worth 218

So this is the conversation that Mary Worth broke up with Dr. Jeff Corey over. Ouch.